Lamented Pasts, page 16
part #1 of Timeless Affection Series
"I need to think about it," I say hesitantly. My answer makes his eyes light up.
"So, you're not saying no?" he says, hope shining through his voice.
I can't help but smile at his eagerness. It's charming and naive, and I like the sound of it.
"I'm not saying no," I agree, feeling like it wouldn't be so bad to dedicate my life to making this man happy.
We're quiet as we walk back to the Smiths' home. He gives me a tentative kiss on the cheek, and then bids me farewell.
I walk into the chaos of the Smiths' home, their two children Brigitta and Samuel are chasing each other around the living room. Mrs. Smith looks up from her sewing, her lips pinched in displeasure still at the fact that I was alone with Gabriel today.
"It's time for the children to go to bed," she says to me stiffly, and I nod, and shuffle the two heathens up the stairs. I was lucky that I was able to get time off today from the store and nannying in the first place.
I wrestle them both to bed, and then assure Mrs. Smith that I will be up to work in the store first thing in the morning. Afterwards, I go to my little bedroom and lay on my hard, stiff mattress, restless with my thoughts.
I think of Gabriel's sparkling, blue eyes, the shy but hopeful way he proposed marriage.
My life has been a litany of storms. I've been running for what feels like forever. But when I think of his little cottage on the edge of the sea, it's like the clouds part, and the sun comes out. What if I could finally be at peace there?
The idea of it plagues me the rest of the night and all through the next day. Gabriel doesn't stop by, I'm sure trying to give me time to mull over his offer.
After a long day at the store, I sneak away from the house, and find myself walking along the sea not far from Gabriel's home.
The wind is ferocious today, whipping my hair into my face, and churning the ocean under its power.
Looking out at the raging water beneath me, I wonder how I became this person. Did I once have a passion? Did I once have a dream to be more than what I was now? Would I always be made up of the broken pieces of a past that I couldn't escape? Would I always hurt? Or would accepting this sweet man's proposal give me the freedom to escape everything that haunted me? Could the gentle kindness and silent strength that I saw in Gabriel empower my new beginning? I close my eyes and listen to the sound of the wind roaring around me.
I decide to say yes.
Not wanting to wait any longer to tell him, I walk the rest of the way to Gabriel's cottage. I hear the heavy blow of an anvil, and I follow the sound to Gabriel's workshop where he's hard at work. I stand there watching him for a moment. Sweat beads on his brow, and the strong line of his muscles bunch and pull with exertion as he works. It definitely won't be a burden to have to look at him every day.
He finally looks up from his work and gives a start when he sees me standing in the doorway.
"Juliet? What are you doing here?" he asks, hope and fear at war in his gaze.
"I've made my decision," I tell him nervously, thinking for the first time he could have changed his mind since we last spoke. "That is, if the offer still stands."
"You're saying yes?" he asks, disbelief heavy in his voice.
I laugh and nod.
"Whoop!" he yells, surprising me by picking me up and spinning me around. He flashes me a jaw-dropping smile that makes me weak in the knees. It's contagious and before I know it, we're both laughing with happiness and shock that this is actually happening.
He finally sets me down, and then takes my hand in his. "I'm going to make you the happiest girl in the world," he says, pressing my hand to his heart.
The emotion in his voice makes me uncomfortable, and I feel my walls come up. I slowly drag my hand away from his. He looks disappointed but says nothing about the change in my demeanor.
We walk back to the Smiths' house where I announce that I'll be marrying Gabriel much to their astonishment. When they ask when the event is happening, I look over at him, forgetting that we haven't discussed a date.
"Tomorrow?" he asks, a curl in his lip as he waits for my reaction.
Having thrown myself into this impulsive, crazy idea, I shock myself by shaking my head in agreement.
As the Smiths' household erupts in an uproar, my eyes stay locked in his midnight blue eyes. We're getting married.
Gabriel Williams
We get married on the cliff in front of his cottage. No one is invited except one of the town's Protestant preachers who is officiating. I'm wearing a borrowed dress that's a size too big, and Gabriel is wearing his best shirt and waistcoat. As we hold hands, and the preacher begins his monologue, I realize that this is the first of my weddings that I've ever made it to.
Large, rolling waves of grief hit me and I'm almost knocked over from their intensity. I find a numb space in my mind, drawing so far from reality that I block out everything around me. I lose the ability to draw in air and I feel like I'm going to faint at any second. They all should be standing here right now.
A squeeze of my hand yanks me back to the present. I see Gabriel's concerned face staring back at me.
"It's all going to be alright," he mouths to me, stroking my hand softly.
His strength is what I need to anchor myself to the here and now. I focus on the preacher's words, memorizing the vows as he recites them.
"I, Juliet Caris, take you, Gabriel Williams, to be my lawful husband. To have and to hold, till death do us part…"
I squeeze my eyes shut briefly as I recite the words. The idea that the end of my life with Gabriel could end with one of our deaths instead of me disappearing into the abyss of time, is a wish that won't come true.
My eyes open when Gabriel starts his vows. He never takes his eyes off of mine as he says them, and I can feel the power and the intent behind the words. I could fall in love with this man.
When it's time to kiss, we take steps to close the gap between us. Careful and sure, Gabriel's kiss is a gentle caress, but somehow it sends shivers down my back.
The preacher leaves, and we work together in the cottage's tiny kitchen, preparing our wedding meal side by side. We eat by candlelight, and somehow it feels like one of the most romantic moments of my life.
As bedtime looms, I get more and more nervous as I realize that now that I'm Gabriel's wife, I'll be expected to fulfill all of my obligations of being a wife.
Gabriel goes outside to get some water from a well while I get ready for bed. I pull on my nightgown and stare at the bed tucked into the corner of the cottage. What do I do now?
Gabriel comes through the front door and stops just inside the entry, staring at me raptly.
"What?" I ask, tugging on my braided hair self-consciously.
"It's just better than I ever dreamed," he says.
"What is?"
"How you would look standing in our home, all mine," he whispers, his voice heavy with something that I find myself wishing would be love.
"Should we go to bed?" I ask, just as quietly. He nods and begins to undress.
I avert my eyes, feeling like I'm not allowed to watch him despite the fact that this man is my husband. I get in the bed, and slide all the way to the other side, turning over so my back faces him and he can't see the way my body is trembling, and the confusion that I'm sure is written all over my features.
He blows out the candle sitting on the table next to the bed, and silently gets in. After years of sleeping alone, it feels strange to have someone next to me.
"Can I hold you?" he asks softly into the darkness.
"Yes," I answer, sliding my body closer to his. I feel his arms wrap around me, and it feels like home. He doesn't make any other movements, and I soon fall fast asleep.
I stay wrapped in his arms for hours, comforted by his breath on my neck every time I wake up.
He's gone the next morning when I open my eyes, but there's a white rose laying on the pillow next to me. There's also a piece of parchment next to it. I pick it up and read the words scratched in small, tidy writing.
If ever any beauty I did see,
Which I desired, and got, 'twas but a dream of thee.
A tear rolls down my cheek unbidden. I recognize it as lines from a poem written by John Donne. The night before, and the sweet gestures of this morning are far more than I expected.
A few weeks pass like this. His tender, gentle touch, sweet words, and romantic gestures are there waiting for me every day. It soothes the rough, broken, jagged edges inside of me, and I find myself praying that it will last.
I'm walking on the beach by the cottage one day. The water is gentle and warm. The waves roll onto the beach, coloring the white sand a dark beige.
I turn around when I hear footsteps behind me. It's Gabriel. He's walking barefoot towards me, his shirt untucked and dancing in the light breeze. He's beautiful, and I'm scared at how fast I've come to see him when I close my eyes to dream of a future I never thought I'd have.
"Hi," he says, delight all over his face at the sight of me.
I smile in return.
He takes my hand and we walk along the shore.
"Are you happy?" he asks after a moment. I stop and look up at him, struggling to answer because it's so hard for me to put into words what he's given me.
"I want to make your life better than it's ever been," he says, his eyes somber as he searches mine.
My eyes tear up and I squeeze his hands.
"Gabriel. Every day with you has been a miracle. I wouldn't wish away the last few weeks for anything."
He laughs, and I bask in the sound of it and want to call it my home.
Tentatively, he leans in towards me. Like all of his kisses, this one starts out slow and gentle. But then it becomes more. A tilt of his head, a brush of his mouth, a tug from his teeth, the slightest hint of his tongue until I'm breathless. It's as if he's savoring me. This is the kind of kiss that could last for days.
This connection, this extraordinary connection, is absolute perfection.
All of a sudden, it's not enough, and I become reckless in my response to him. From careful to careless, I can't hold myself back any longer. I take his hand and drag him behind me until we're back in the cottage.
Tall and broad, he's bathed in the failing light of dusk. I swallow down a question as he leans in to press his hands on either side of my face, watching me watch him.
"There are few things in the world I've ever been able to call my own," he says in a tone that struggles to hold in his emotion. "Please, belong to me, my Juliet."
The only thing I can do is to kiss him. Kiss away history and the uncertainty surrounding the present. His tongue sweeps into my mouth with the same urgency, until it's not enough and I want more. More of everything.
Later, when I'm wrapped in his arms, reveling in the ache of my muscles after the hours we've spent exploring one another's bodies, I can't stop myself from asking him a question.
"Do you think you'll ever love me?" I whisper. I watch the outline of his shadow as he moves behind me. In the dark, we're united perfectly, a captivating illusion. If only it was that way in real life.
He lifts my chin to look at him.
"Juliet, you foolish girl. I've loved you since the first time that I saw you walking in the street. Getting to marry you has been the completion of every dream I've had since that day."
I stare at him in disbelief. "You love me?" I whisper, my voice aching with the longing for it to be true.
His eyes find mine just as he moves to cradle my cheek. I lean into the warmth of his palm and grin. The smile that burns across his face is so stunning that I can't help but kiss it. A sloppy, teeth-touching, giggle inducing kiss that's quick to turn hot and needy as his mouth works over mine. My heart leaps before I pull back to hide in the crook of his neck, my heart racing.
This is different than I imagined it would be.
"Always," he whispers into my hair, and then he kisses me again. It's gentle this time, even when I try to deepen it, he forces the pace and it's slow, tender...perfect.
We were happy, so happy that sometimes at night I would stay awake, just watching Gabriel's chest rise as he slept, and wondering when it would all end.
We would sit on the front porch of our little house holding hands, watching the tide roll in and talking about everything and anything.
"I want to remember us just like this," I whispered to him one night as we lay intertwined, blissfully worn from hours of lovemaking.
"We'll always be like this, so you'll never have to remember it. It will just be how it is," he smiles back at me.
And then came Colin.
I cried when I first realized that my cycle hadn't appeared. Gabriel didn't understand why I was beside myself at the news. After all, what could be bad about a physical manifestation of our love as he phrased it.
He held me through the nightmares that haunted me. I would cry myself to sleep with worry over the fact that I had been so careless to bring something into the world that I would someday abandon.
But then he was born.
Colin was the most perfect thing I had ever seen. Gabriel and I were obsessed with him, obsessed with our roles as parents. Rocking him during those long, sleepless nights, I would memorize the feeling of his little body curled against mine. Everything he did was the best thing I had ever seen. His laugh filled up all the empty parts of me that even Gabriel's love couldn't reach.
I was walking home from town one day for some groceries when it happened. That tingly feeling that I had dreaded for so long began. I dropped the packages in my arms and started to run for home, screaming for Gabriel and Colin as I ran. But just like all the times before, I disappeared. And every last part of me was broken.
Now
I wake early the next morning, a sense of unease stirring in my stomach. My mind full of the misery of my past. What have I done? I obviously was doomed to relive the mistakes of my past over and over again. I would never learn.
I turn to see where Liam is, but he's not in the bed. Before making any rash decisions, I pull the shirt he cast off on the floor the night before over me, and I walk to go find him. I'm almost around the corner when I hear him talking on the phone to someone in the kitchen.
"She actually believes she's from the past. Or at least she's the most convincing liar I've ever met. She has every detail of her story so mapped out that it's almost impossible to find any inconsistencies. I'm gone over this girl. More in love than I thought possible, but she needs help," he says to someone on the phone.
I feel like I've been stabbed in the gut. Agony washes over me and I feel paralyzed. Paralyzed...and then angry. How dare he? I've literally poured my heart out to him. I've told him almost everything about my journey. He's heard all about Landon, Will, James, Gabriel...and Colin. All about the years I've spent alone in foreign places. He's bribed all the dark, ugly things about my life out of me, things I haven't told anyone.
Along with my anger, I feel foolish. Foolish to have taken the chance and trusted him. I had been so focused on not hurting him, on not falling in love and leaving another piece of my heart behind, that I had forgotten the possibility that existed in a normal life to be the one who is hurt. I had forgotten that love stories don't always end where the girl and guy are equally in love and keep their promises to each other.
I quietly hurry back to the bedroom, not bothering to hear what else he has to say.
I'm almost ready to go when I hear him coming down the hall. He steps into the room, two mugs in his hand. He's shirtless, his body a work of art, and I hate him a little bit more for torturing me with his looks right after he just broke my heart.
"You're up," he says warily, watching me as I finish getting dressed and collect my things.
"I have to go run an errand," I tell him softly as he walks towards me holding out the coffee that I know will be made exactly how I like it.
Because for some reason this man bothered to find out everything about me even though he thinks I'm a nut case.
He stills at my words, and his green eyes hold me hostage.
"You're running," he says quietly.
"I'm not. I just have something I need to do," I tell him, the words sounding like a lie to my own ears even though they are the truth. Or at least a version of the truth.
"Let me at least make you breakfast," he says, setting the mugs down on the night table and taking a shirt out of a drawer.
I'm awestruck for a moment as I watch the muscles in his back move as he pulls on the shirt. I can tell by the tight way that he's holding himself that he's upset with me.
Like he has any right.
I should just let it go. It's best that he be the one to sever ties. Even if this worked out, if he didn't think I was crazy. There is no happy ending for me regardless.
We eat breakfast in tense silence. Liam shoots me tentative looks throughout all of it and a sense of deep self-loathing settles over me. Why did I do this?
He walks me to the door after I shoot down his request to drive me home.
"Tell me what I did wrong," he chokes out, tipping my chin up so that I'm forced to look into those intoxicating eyes.
I ignore his comment. I don't want to hear him groveling. I want to carry my anger and indignation with me so that it's easier to say goodbye and keep away from him.
"I'll see you later," I lie to him as I paste a smile on my face that I know he can see right through.
He smiles at me painfully and pulls me into him for a kiss that's so passionate, it leaves me reeling and questioning everything for a second.
His eyes are soft as he gazes down at me.
"Hurry back," he whispers as I memorize his face, so I can keep it locked away with all the other heartbreaking, exquisite memories I carry with me everywhere.
