Rush Into You, page 18
I ran with no destination in my mind besides getting away.
“I’m going to make you pay, Gabby Carter! I will destroy you just like you destroyed me. That’s a promise!”
Tears filled my eyes and blurred my vision. I kept running, trying to get as far away from the pain as I could, but it would never be possible. The pain was within me, growing until it overtook me.
Until it completely consumed me.
I hadn’t realized that I’d run into the street until the blaring horns of oncoming traffic sounded around me. I gasped, standing still with wide eyes as an eighteen wheeler barreled toward me. I heard a wailing screech as the monstrous vehicle tried slamming on its brakes, but the truck was moving too fast to stop. It plowed down the pavement, aiming at me. I figured it was only fair to be taken out this way, killed by a vehicle as I should have been in the first place. I resigned myself to my fate, not making a move to run. I stared at the oncoming truck, waiting for it to kill me.
Strong arms wrapped around my middle, tightening their hold on me and lifting me in the air. My eyes remained glued on the truck that was only feet away from me until I was thrown on the sidewalk. Lying on the cement, my stare was unblinking as I gazed at the black sky.
I could hear Ryker’s frantic voice in the distance of my mind. “I think she’s in shock! Hendrix! Let me take your car, you follow me on my bike!”
I thought I was doing okay, but tonight’s encounter with Keith proved that I’d never be okay. I’d never be normal. I shouldn’t have fooled myself into trying.
I was lifted by familiar arms, the smokey leather scent of Ryker welcomed but not enough to pull me from the dark place my mind was in. I closed my eyes and turned into him; the movement of his walking rocked me and brought about a sense of comfort. The sounds of a car registered through the haze and I was jostled slightly before laying down in the backseat of a car. I sighed at the feel of cool fabric beneath my cheek.
“Gabby, baby, stay with me,” Ryker pleaded, “I’m bringing you home now.”
“Don’t leave me,” I whimpered.
“Never.”
I MUST HAVE passed out on the ride home because the next thing I remembered was Ryker carrying me like a small child into my home. The bright colors and cheeriness of my apartment that I’d once found comforting seemed to taunt me, calling me out for my phoniness. No matter how normal I’d acted in public, or how hard I’d tried to become a new person with a new start, it would never be enough. It would never change who I really was on the inside. It would never change what I’d done.
Ryker knew about the drugs, and he’d heard some of the things that people had said, but he didn’t know the truth. I knew he must have some questions, and after tonight’s freak out, I knew I’d have to answer them.
Or leave him.
I didn’t want to do either.
I wanted to continue living my life pretending that everything was okay. I wanted to pretend that I was someone else. That I was normal. Even if I didn’t deserve him, I wanted to be selfish and keep Ryker as my own.
His arms pulled away from me, and all the warmth seeped out of my body. I shivered uncontrollably, my teeth chattering together.
“Ryker?” My voice was barely above a whisper.
“I’m here, Gabby. I’m just getting you some water.” His usually strong voice matched my whisper.
“You would run if you knew what was good for you.”
He came walking back with a tall glass of water. The ice cubes clinked against each other, the only sound in the otherwise silent room. I forced myself into a sitting position, my body feeling as if it was put through the wringer, and I winced at the pounding in my head and the aches making themselves known in my back. Without needing to ask, Ryker handed me one of my prescription strength ibuprofen. I popped it in my mouth and chased it down with a big gulp of the icy water.
“I don’t want to run,” Ryker said, responding to my earlier statement.
“You would if you knew the truth.”
“Why don’t you tell me the truth, then let me decide that for myself?”
I put my drink on the table and laid back down, rolling away from him. I didn’t want him seeing the tears that filled my eyes when I said what I needed to say. “Go home, Ryker.”
“No.”
“You don’t know me, Ryker!”
“We’ve had this conversation before, Gabby. I know you. You can’t fake everything you do around me. That shit’s real, and you fucking know it!”
Ryker rarely swore around me. My shoulders tensed, reaching for my ears. I was pissed at myself for getting him upset, but I felt as if I had to give him an out.
He grabbed my hands, forcing my attention on him. “This is a fucked up way to tell you, and not how I planned it at all, but I love you. I fucking fell in love with you, Gabby.”
Time seemed to stand still all around me. It was something I’d been wanting to hear from someone for a long time. I’d given up on finding someone to love and be loved by…until Ryker. The feelings I had for this man came instantly and had only grown stronger over time. I knew I was in love with him. I had fallen in love with him a while ago.
“It will turn into too big of a responsibility being with me,” I said sadly, “You’ve heard the things people say about me.”
“I don’t fucking care what people think or say!” Ryker’s voice was steadily rising. “The first time I met you, I saw how people acted around you, and you told me how much everyone hated you. I could’ve backed out then, and I could’ve backed out when I saw you again at the beach, but I didn’t, and I won’t!”
“You should.” My voice sounded emotionless.
“Yeah, you said that. Tell me why, dammit!”
“I’m too fucked up! Happy now?” I yelled, angry at him for finally getting a reaction out of me.
Ryker shook his head, his eyes a burning blue next to the gold. “You’re not fucked up.”
“What do you know about being fucked up, Ryker? Do you ever wake up at night in a cold sweat, screaming as if you’re being murdered? Do you ever break down into a full blown panic attack in public? I’m a crazy person, Ryker! Fucking crazy.”
Ryker looked confused. I nodded, confirming the question in his eyes. “When you stayed with me, it was the first time I’d slept soundly without nightmares.”
“So I’ll sleep with you every night,” he told me simply as if it were an obvious answer to my problem.
I gave him a small smile. “That’s what I mean, babe. I can’t have you staying with me just because you feel obligated. You can’t be my babysitter.”
“I wouldn’t be babysitting you. I want to do it. I loved falling asleep beside you and waking up in the morning with you.”
“Are you really ready to take on the responsibility of being with a crazy person?”
“Stop calling yourself crazy. I wish you’d just tell me what the hell happened to you. I know I can’t fix it, but I can at least help you out by being there for you,” Ryker begged.
“You’ll look at me differently if you know the truth,” I whispered. “I won’t see that spark in your eyes when you look at me. You’ll end up feeling bad for me, or just completely hating me.”
“Well, can you at least talk to a professional about whatever is going on if you’re not ready to talk to me?” he asked sincerely.
“They don’t help! I tried to talk to doctors before, but they treated me just like everyone else did. My entire city turned against me. Half the time the adults were worse than the kids. Those doctors that sign confidentiality agreements? That’s bullshit. They were the biggest gossipers of them all, telling the other adults every single thing I fucking said, then they would tell their kids. They used my own words against me. The doctor denied telling anyone what we’d discussed, but I knew it was bullshit. Needless to say, that was the last ‘professional’ I saw.”
“I get it. You’re scared. I want you Gabby, but this secret that you have…it’s destroying you. It’s making you push me away. I’m not going to run out on you when I know the truth. I’m in this too deep for that.”
“You say that now,” I countered, fighting my tears. I was so sick of crying over my past. I just wanted to move on. As much as it hurt, I knew what he was saying was true. He had opened up to me, and I’d repaid him by shutting him out. I owed it to him to tell him the truth. I owed it to us.
“Here’s the deal….I’m going to give you some time to think about what you want to do. I’m not running, I’m just giving you space. I’ll come back to you the second you call me, I won’t be far, but I think you need some time to yourself to make this decision. I want to be with you, Gabby, but I want all of you. Your past is a part of you, and if we’re going to make a future together you’re going to have to work on letting me into your past. I’m not asking you to put everything out there right away, but give me something, babe. Whatever happened to you, we’ll get through it together.”
“I’m just upset Ryker. I don’t really want you to leave.”
“I know, babe. I’m just going home for the night, that’s all. I’m not leaving you. We’re still us. Like I said, you call me, and I’ll be here. I don’t want you to regret telling me what happened because I pressured you into it, but, if you want to be with me as I want to be with you, then we can’t keep doing this shit for years to come. And I plan on being with you for years, Gabby. You’re my girl. Always. And no fucked up past is going to change that.”
Ryker pulled back and looked at me seriously. “I could tell you were different from the very beginning. When I saw you for the first time at Max’s, sitting at the bar fiddling with your phone, I knew I needed to talk to you. I didn’t really give a shit about girls. I only wanted them for sex and nothing more.”
His hands squeezed my hips. “I won’t lie, I definitely thought about having sex with you. That was the first thought that popped into my head when I saw you. I wanted to know what you looked like naked. All I could imagine was ripping your fucking clothes off with my teeth and finding out how many ways I could make you bend for me. But when you looked at me, I could see the pain in your eyes, and I knew you didn’t need that shit from me.”
I remembered that night so well. I knew the pain that I was in, and could picture the pain that was in my eyes.
“I sure as hell wasn’t trying to be your white knight, riding in to fix you, but I wanted to be there. I still want to be there for you. I want to try and take away that pain that’s inside you. I still see that haunted look in your eyes sometimes. I can’t even guess what goes on in your head but after what happened tonight? Fuck, Gabby. You could’ve been killed! I didn’t think I’d be able to get you away from that truck in time. I wanted to kill Keith for setting you off like that, but I still don’t know what happened between you two. I need you to talk to me, even a little. I need you to give me something. You need to let me in.”
Ryker leaned down and kissed me on my lips. He meant it to be a simple yet loving peck on the lips, but I wanted more. I wrapped my arm behind his neck and pulled him into me, desperate. I kissed him long and hard, telling him everything with that kiss; showing him how much I loved him and how much I wanted us to work. His hands gripped my shoulders, gently pushing me away. He kissed my forehead, then took a step backward, his stare locked on mine. Ryker walked out the door, and when it shut behind him, I dropped to my knees on the hard tiled floor.
AFTER RYKER HAD left last night, I kept replaying the night over and over in my head.
I wished I’d had the courage to give him the answers to all his questions.
I wished I’d been strong enough to trust that he would stay with me.
I wished I’d been strong enough to give him his own choice whether he stayed or left.
I’d told him to leave last night, and it killed me when I’d said it. I hadn’t meant it, and I think he knew that, but he’d left anyway. It killed me when he’d walked out my front door, it absolutely broke me, but I knew it was no one’s fault except my own.
After hours of tears, I’d eventually cried myself to sleep.
I’d woken up screaming at the top of my lungs this morning. My heart was banging around inside my chest a mile a minute, and it felt like there was a cracked out jackhammer pounding away, trying its hardest to escape through each layer of bone and muscle. I’d pushed my hair off my face and cringed at the feel of my clammy hands. A cold sweat covered my skin, and my hair was damp—it was disgusting. My teeth were chattering, and I pulled the blanket tightly around me, but I couldn’t get warm.
Last night’s nightmare was worse than anything I’d had in a while. Every night was bad, but the nightmare I’d just experienced was horrible. I dreamed what I always did, but everything was extra vivid. My nightmare was a combination of actual memories and added horror. I saw the accident play out detail for detail, and saw the dead bodies that I saw every night, but last night those dead bodies spoke to me. Kasey Jacobs, Madison Monray, and the Rayburns all opened their eyes and stared directly at me, yelling that everything was my fault. They screamed that I was a murderer and that I would pay for my crime. There was an extra person in my nightmare, but I couldn’t make out the face. There was just an additional dead body laying off in the distance, far away from the realistic zombies of my nightmare. I tried to run to the person and find out who it was. I wanted to find out what happened. I never made it.
I didn’t know what it meant. I didn’t know why the nightmare I had every night for years would finally change so drastically now. I got out of bed with an unsettled feeling in my stomach, and a deep sense of foreboding.
I shuffled to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee, and was shocked when I saw what time it was. 12:47pm. I had a hard time believing I’d slept that many hours and went to check the time on my cell phone, thinking the stove clock must be wrong, but it wasn’t. I really had slept late.
As I drank my coffee, I stared down at the light liquid in thought. A sad smile touched my lips when I remembered sharing coffee with Ryker in the morning.
My cell phone rang, and I saw that my mother was calling. Guilt instantly flooded me. I had forgotten all about our planned meeting for lunch today. With everything that had happened last night, and sleeping so late this morning, meeting with her had completely slipped my mind. I felt horrible.
I swiped my phone to answer the call. “Hey.”
“Gabriella, I’m so excited to see you. I’m on my way now.”
My mom’s voice was cheerful, and it made me happy and broke my heart all at the same time. I was happy that she was happy, but I also wondered if maybe I’d called her too soon. I’d thought that I was at a good enough point in my life where I could try and build on the relationship that I’d destroyed, but after last night’s incident, I was afraid I may have been wrong. I wanted her to see that I was doing okay and that I was happy, but my mother would know something was up the second she saw me. All the years I’d spent away from her wouldn’t have diminished her mommy radar. She’d know that I was upset. I had been looking forward to telling her about Ryker, and had hoped that they’d get a chance to meet. Now, that wasn’t going to happen.
“I can’t wait to see you, Ma.” I tried to make my voice sound cheerful like hers, but I knew I’d failed miserably.
“What’s wrong, Gabby?”
I smiled, knowing I was right about her mommy radar. “I just had a bad sleep, that’s all.”
All of a sudden, I realized that I wasn’t going to have a ride to meet her at the restaurant. “Oh, no!”
“What? What!” My mother sounded frantic.
“Oh, Mom. Gosh, I’m an idiot. I don’t even have a ride to meet you.”
“It’s okay, baby, I’ll come to you. I’d love to see where you’re living anyway.”
“Are you sure?”
“More than sure. I’d actually prefer just going to your home and spending time with you.”
I gave her my address. She’d be here in about thirty minutes. After we’d said our goodbyes, I drained the remaining sips of my now warm coffee and rushed into the bathroom. I had to hurry up and get ready before she got here. I wanted to look presentable and not like I just rolled out of bed.
I was trying to apply a coat of mascara in the last few minutes before my mother was due to arrive, but it looked horrible because of how swollen my eyes were. It was nearly impossible to make my eyes look good because of the amount I’d cried last night, and my lack of sleep. Between the two things, my eyes looked like shit. They were red and puffy, and no amount of makeup was going to cover that up.
Three firm knocks sounded on my front door, and I knew it was my mother. I threw my makeup in my cosmetics bag and took one last look in the mirror, but there was nothing I could do to fix my face now. She was going to know something was up whether I told her or not.
I walked quickly to the door with my heart pounding from nerves. I opened it up and almost dropped to my knees. My mother was still the most delightful and loving person in the world. I looked at her from head to toe, love filling my heart so much that it hurt. She looked as beautiful as ever. Her hair was as dark and chocolatey as mine, but she had golden highlights throughout her shorter haircut. Where my hair was long and wavy down my back, she kept hers cut above her shoulders in stylish layers.
She’d always had great clothes, and today was no different. My mother was wearing the softest looking cashmere sweater in a beautiful shade of coral with fitted, dark-denim jeans. Her outfit was complete with a pair of black leather ankle boots. Her makeup was minimal but perfect, and her jewelry was simple. Gold hoops adorned her ears, and the diamond engagement ring and matching wedding band my father bought her over two decades ago still graced her left hand.
My mom was stunning, but the tired look in her eyes couldn’t be disguised. It was a fatigue that had set deep in her bones. Her eyes were still a gorgeous blue, though they didn’t sparkle as I remembered. That was something I wanted to fix.
