Zero Tolerance, page 5
Now, if I can only figure out where the hell I fit into the equation.
Eight
Z
Dinner with Lilly and Chance is both sweet and chaotic. She is making some sort of oven-fried chicken that Chance must be familiar with because he pulls over a stool and she lets him “help.” Which seems to be more like code for “make a mess.” But Lilly takes it in stride.
“Do you work out in California?” I ask.
She glances at me over her shoulder. “A couple days a week. I work from home the rest of the time.”
I nod at Chance and she interprets the “Who the fuck watches my kid?” question correctly.
“There’s a really good preschool he goes to the mornings I work.” Her defensive tone and posture are pointless. I’m glad he’s got a routine or schedule or whatever. I just want him to be doing it in New York.
Fuck, I haven’t even thought about what the fuck I’m gonna do if she’s going back to Cali. I sure as shit am not uprooting my life to move out there. Except when I look at Chance, I start thinking of the two Lost Kings MC charters we have on the West Coast. One is in fucking shambles right now, according to what I heard at our last national meeting. But fuck, maybe I can help clean it up.
Then I’m pissed again because why the fuck should I be considering moving?
“Shoot.” Lilly wipes her hands on a towel and opens one of the cabinets. “I don’t have any of his stuff here,” she mutters.
She takes down plates and glasses and rinses everything off.
“I can do that,” I offer.
“Thanks.”
“You really did just get back?”
“Yes.” She bites her lip. “I know you don’t believe me, but I was going to call you as soon as we were settled.”
I flip off the water and set the plates down. God, she’s so fucking close, I can smell the faintest hint of vanilla from her skin. Same damn lotion, or perfume, or whatever I remember. Makes me want to lick her, which just pisses me off. “Yeah, and what exactly were you planning to tell me?”
She shakes her head, her hair falling around her cheeks. “I’m not sure.”
“Well, I’m glad I didn’t have to wait around until you figured it out.”
Something about my low, angry tone pulls Chance’s face into a scowl and I feel like an utter shithead. He stomps over and presses his little hands against my leg in an attempt to push me away from Lilly.
He blinks up at her. “Mommy?”
She forces a big smile for him. “Mommy’s fine. Z and I are just good friends who haven’t seen each other in a while.”
Chance scowls up at me again, not seeming to buy her explanation. Not a surprise since she seems on the verge of tears.
I give him what I hope is a reassuring smile and hold up my hands. “I’m real happy to see your mom again, little guy.”
My words seem to convince him because he stops frowning at me. Hard not to be convincing when the words are unfortunately the truth.
I’ve missed the hell out of Lilly, and I am happy to see her. Even if I do want to strangle her.
How the hell is this ever going to work?
“Cookies!” Chance announces as soon as we finish dinner.
“After we clear the table.”
He pouts but trots behind her, carrying a plastic cup in each hand. A few seconds later, he races out of the kitchen and tosses an animal cracker at me.
“Thanks, buddy.” I glance at the tiny lion in my fingers. “That supposed to be enough for me? I’m ten times your size.”
He hands over one more cookie.
Lilly walks out of the kitchen, setting a glass of milk and a small bowl of more animal crackers in front of me.
“We were planning on movie night.” She gestures toward the living room, almost as if she’s apologizing.
I get it. She has a weird notion about me. That I need the loud, constant entertainment of whatever she thinks club life consists of. What she would’ve known if she’d bother to stick around is that it got old a long fucking time ago. Over the last couple of years, I’ve watched four of my brothers settle down with good women. It’s made them happier. That’s what I wanted. With Lilly.
So, movie night with the two of them sounds pretty damn good to me.
Of course, the reality is that it’s awkward as fuck.
For me and Lilly anyway. Chance seems fine.
I wait for Lilly to sit on the couch and then drop down closer to her than I probably should.
Chance wriggles in between us, casting a suspicious look at me.
“You want your blankie?” Lilly asks.
“Yes!” He shoots off the couch and races down the hall, returning a few minutes later with a raggedy blue blanket. Still giving me the side-eye, he curls up against Lilly’s side and pops his thumb in his mouth.
“No, no,” Lilly corrects, gently taking his hand away. “I’m trying to break this,” she explains. “He’s down to only at night when he’s tired.”
“Not sleepy,” Chance says.
The corner of Lilly’s mouth curls up. “I know you’re not.”
When he looks away, she rolls her eyes and it makes me laugh.
I’m so wrapped up in the simplicity of hanging out with my kid and…Lilly, I can’t even remember what we watch. Chance is into it for a while, but then his eyelids start to droop and Lilly nudges him. “Let’s brush our teeth and get PJs on.”
Chance gives her a weak protest but lets her carry him into the bathroom. I want to follow, learn all his routines and stuff, but it feels…intrusive, which again pisses me off.
“Z?” Lilly says, poking her head around the corner a few minutes later. “Do you… ah, do you want to read him a story?” She almost seems afraid to ask. As if I’ll be insulted. Or hell, maybe she thinks I don’t know how to read.
Let’s face it, most of our prior relationship consisted of us getting together and fucking, not chatting about our hobbies.
It’s awkward as I lumber into his room. I feel like a giant circus bear being shoved into a tiny cage in the small bedroom. It’s furnished but barely. The bookshelves have a short stack of children’s books and a few toys, but not a lot else.
“Alex had to put the room together for me quickly when I told him I was coming home,” she explains.
“He’s never been here?”
“No.”
Something worse occurs to me. “Have your parents even met him?”
“Uh, not exactly.”
Well, at least I wasn’t the only one shut out. Fucking weird, though. I thought she was tight with her family.
“Alex?”
She looks away. “He was with me when Chance was born.”
Fury burns right through me. Don’t give a fuck that it’s her brother. It should’ve been me.
“It should’ve been me with you,” I growl.
Her bottom lip quivers and her eyes widen. She shakes her head lightly. “Please.”
She’s asking for mercy. But not for herself.
“Mommy?” Chance asks, peering up at us.
Again, I fucking scared him. I gotta get this shit under control.
“Pick a book?” I ask, trying to chase the cranky asshole out of my voice.
He holds up one about airplanes and I take it, flipping through the first few pages. “I’m pretty sure Alexa has this too.” I laugh.
Lilly raises an eyebrow.
“Please, there’s been baby sh-stuff from one end of the clubhouse to the other since Heidi brought her home from the hospital.”
She helps Chance into bed, and he watches me as I search for some place to sit. Finally, I give up and just sit on the floor next to the bed. A few minutes later, Lilly joins me.
I barely get a few pages read to him before he conks out. I watch him for a few seconds before setting the book on his nightstand and leaning over to kiss his forehead. “We’ll finish it tomorrow, buddy.”
Lilly has tears glittering in her eyes and quickly looks away when I stand. I hold out my hands to her and help her off the floor.
Lilly
The enormity of the mistake I’ve made pummels me every second I’m with Z.
“Thank you,” I whisper as he pulls me up off the floor. “He might get up in a little while for a glass of water.”
Z keeps his dark blue eyes pinned to my face. “I’ll be here.”
“Okay.” I can’t stand the intensity rolling off him, so I lean over and click the light off. On my way out, I flip on a night light and leave the door open a crack.
Z’s so close, I can feel the heat pouring off his body. My heart picks up. I don’t know if I have the strength to argue with him tonight. At the bathroom, I stop and he’s following so close he crashes into me.
“Shit, Lilly.” He grabs my shoulders to steady me. “I’m sorry.”
His touch jolts me for a number of reasons. “Can I pee in private or are you planning to follow me into the bathroom?”
He hooks his fingers into the pockets of his jeans and smirks. “Only if you’re going to jump out the window and disappear on me.”
I guess I had that coming. I roll my eyes and shove past him, closing the door in his face.
Think. I need a few seconds without him in my space. I splash water over my wrists and face. Spend some time brushing my hair and pulling it into a ponytail before leaving the bathroom.
Z’s not waiting for me outside like I feared he might. He’s back in the living room, flipping through channels.
“Do you want anything to drink?” I ask.
“I’m fine.” He glances over. “I know where the kitchen is if I need something.”
I sit as far away as possible from him on the couch, tucking myself into the corner. Without Chance as a buffer, I feel completely exposed and vulnerable.
“What are we doing, Lilly?” he asks without turning away from the television.
“You tell me.”
He snorts and sets the remote down, slowly swiveling his head. “Seems to me you’re calling all the shots. You get to make all the decisions, apparently. So, you tell me.”
“What do you want?”
His eyes narrow. I’m not an idiot. I’ve always known Z was capable of violence. I just always trusted that he’d never turn on me.
I still trust him, but there’s a thump of fear that makes my heart beat faster. Fear of what he wants from me.
“I want my son, Lilly.” He closes his eyes. “I want…things you can’t give me back.”
“I’m staying,” I blurt out. Wait, what? When did I decide that?
Maybe it was the second Chance asked if he could go to the store with Z. Or maybe when Z plopped down on the floor next to Chance’s bed to read a bedtime story.
Whatever it is, I can’t leave again. It should be safe for me to stay now. And I really want to stay. I think it’s too late, and I’ve done too much damage for Z and I to ever be together, but at least Chance will have his father.
He blows out a breath, as if that’s a huge relief to him, and guilt presses down on me even harder. Not only did he learn about his son today, but he’s probably been worrying about how long we’re staying.
“I mean, I probably need to go back and pack up my apartment. Ship my things home…” Am I really planning this already?
“I’ll help you,” Z says quietly, still not looking at me.
“You don’t have to. I can’t ask you to do that.”
“You’re not.”
“I’m not lying—”
“Can’t you accept my words at face value, Lilly? Now that I know about Chance, there’s not a fucking place on this planet you can run that I won’t find you.” Now he turns and stares at me. “I’m offering to help you because I want to help you. Not because I’m worried about you disappearing again.”
I’m too stunned by his words to say anything intelligent. “I didn’t disappear,” I mutter.
He smirks, but not in the flirtatious, playful way I’m used to. His dark blue eyes are hard and cold. “I knew where you were. Spent some time tracking you down after you disappeared on me.”
Fear quickens my blood. How much does he know?
He squeezes his eyes shut. “I almost visited once or twice.” His gaze drops to my stomach. “If I’d fucking known…”
“How?”
“How’d I know where you were?” He looks away. “That’s part of what I do for the club. Find out things.”
“That’s not vague or anything. Besides, Hope knew where I was.”
“Not until months later.” He snorts. “Guess I can’t be too insulted. You ghosted on your friends too. Not just your fuck-buddy.” He cocks his head and gives me a lopsided smile that still looks more dangerous than genuinely amused. “If talking about being exclusive scared you so much, you could’ve just said so. I can take a hint without you moving across the country.”
Shame races over my skin, turning my cheeks hot and tightening my throat. I wanted nothing more than for us to finally… “That’s not why I left. It had nothing to do with you.”
He quirks an eyebrow, his gaze darting toward the hallway.
“I can’t right now,” I whisper. Not now. Not ever. Unfortunately, I don’t think he’s going to quit until he has an explanation.
My gaze drops to the crown tattoo on the side of his neck, traveling lower to the ink covering his hands. I’ll have to come up with something more mundane but believable for why I ran away.
“Do you want me to show you the guest room?” I ask.
“Sure. Never had an opportunity before.”
My gaze snaps to his and those dark blue eyes aren’t cold now. They’re filled with heat and a thousand memories of the way we’ve spent time together in this house. He can’t possibly…?
“Were you planning to stay in my room?” I ask.
The playful smile I remember well makes a brief appearance. “I’ll stay wherever you want me to, sweetheart.”
He glances down at Chance’s tiny, furry blue slippers, propped up against the coffee table and frowns. “Show me the guest room, Lilly.” My heart jumps as he lifts his gaze. “I promised your brother I’d do what was best for Chance. I keep my promises.”
Unlike you.
He doesn’t say it, but I feel the words pulse between us.
I stand and pull down my sleeves, tucking my thumbs into the fabric. “Follow me.”
He follows me to the narrow staircase on the other side of the living room.
“I never noticed this before.”
I huff a laugh but don’t comment. Of course, he didn’t. My bedroom’s in the opposite direction.
The entire way up the stairs, I’m painfully aware of his gaze resting on my ass.
At the top of the stairs, I stop and flip on the light. It’s an open loft-style room with shiny hardwood floors and a low ceiling.
“There isn’t a lot of privacy. Sorry about that.”
“It’s fine.” He pokes around the space, turning on lights and checking out the furniture. “It’s a much bigger room. How come you don’t use it?”
“I used to use it as a sitting room, but I turned it into a bedroom to make it more appealing when I was renting it out.”
He nods.
I cross the space behind him and push open another door. “It does have a private half-bath. But you’ll have to use the shower downstairs.”
“That’s fine.”
We stand there staring at each other. If I want to leave, I have to walk right past him. Fear that I won’t make it keeps my feet rooted in place.
He jerks his thumb toward the stairs. “I’m gonna run outside and grab my stuff.”
“Sure.” I follow him down the stairs. “Alex had the locks changed after my last tenants moved out. I’ll get an extra key made up for you tomorrow so you can come and go as you want.”
“Damn girl. Only took, what? Four, five years, and a kid for you to finally give me a key to your place?”
This time his teasing words are laced with humor instead of anger and I actually smile. “You’re the first.”
At the bottom of the stairs, he stops abruptly and grabs my shoulders, staring into my eyes. “Good to know.”
Nine
Z
Flirting with Lilly is no different than running my hand through an open flame. I can get away with it in short, quirk bursts, but eventually I’ll get burned.
Been there. Done that.
A flush creeps over her chest and up her neck as I stare at her. Finally, I release her shoulders and head outside for some much-needed cool air.
It’s peaceful outside. Not unlike the clubhouse’s property. Fewer trees, so more of the inky night sky remains visible.
My phone buzzes and I pull it out.
Rock: Everything okay?
Me: Yeah. Settling in now.
Rock: Call if you need anything.
Me: Thanks, brother.
I scroll through my messages and find a bunch from the other brothers. A picture of one of the girl’s costumes at Crystal Ball from Dex with a funny story attached. Pictures of Ziggy and Zipper napping in front of her fireplace from Trinity.
I shoot Murphy a quick thank you for the seat and dinosaur and answer a few other messages before heading back inside.
Lilly’s nowhere to be seen. Most of the lights are off downstairs. I glance toward her bedroom and almost consider checking on her. Except that’s fucking dangerous and I know it.
A breeze brushes over my skin, drawing my attention to the open sliding glass door straight ahead. Soft light from a flickering candle gives off enough of a glow to reveal Lilly’s profile.
Should I say something? Or ignore her and go to bed?
After a second of hesitation, I drop my bags by the staircase and step outside.
“You warm enough?” I ask.
She startles, although I don’t know how she missed my approach. It’s not like I’m small or quiet.
“No, I’m okay.” She rubs her hands over her upper arms, contradicting herself. “I’m about to go inside anyway.”
There’s just enough light from the candle and the moon to notice her hard nipples, pressing against her flimsy long-sleeved T-shirt. I curl my hands into fists and keep them by my sides.
