Stiltskin, page 28
They didn't like Raymond because he didn't follow the tourist trend. He always turned up out of season, and he kept himself to himself, not to mention he'd built a ghastly, great big mansion on the outskirts of town.
Raymond was in fact a billionaire who had quite methodically worked out when the off-season occurred for every beautiful place on Earth. He would travel round all year to these places, then build a house where he could stay for a couple of weeks, and that was his life, day in and day out. All he ever wanted was a quiet life, and when his one-hundred-fourteen-year-old grandmother died, she left Raymond, her only living relative, all her money. Although on the surface a quiet and very innocent-looking lady, she had made her money by running drugs from the United States to Japan. She was a little old lady with too much time on her hands, and she liked traveling to the Orient. Or that's what all the security people at the airports thought as they helped her off the plane and even carried her drug-filled luggage for her. Her drug-running name was Silent Grasshopper. Raymond had no knowledge of this, as she told him that she won all her money on the lottery, and so he remained blissfully unaware.
Raymond had been an Olympic swimmer before the inheritance, and although he remained in good physical condition, he no longer swam. When he got the money from his grandmother, he decided to follow up on his high school dream to do absolutely nothing. He traveled around the world, spending the vast amount of money he'd acquired. He partied occasionally, hired women to satisfy his carnal pleasures, hired people to cook for him, but really did nothing of any importance. If he vanished off the face of the Earth, the only person who would miss him would be his bank manager, who talked to him every few days and who could have been considered to be Raymond’s only friend.
As Raymond walked out onto the bridge that crossed the local river, he stopped and admired the sunset. He could see a couple of children playing soccer at the other end of the bridge, a little too close to the road, he thought. There really wasn't that much traffic in the town, so there was probably nothing to worry about. At least, that's what Raymond thought right up until he saw the bus.
The bus driver's name was Dante and he was on the last route of the evening. He was, however, currently preoccupied with the sudden appearance of what appeared to be an orange object descending from the sky. Dante was so enamored with the strange object that he failed to see the young boy who ran out into the road after his run-away ball.
Raymond started sprinting before he even knew why. The urge hit him in the form of one simple word that felt very strangely as if someone had spoken it directly into his head. Run!
Everything happened very quickly. Raymond reached the boy just in time to push him out of the way; he looked up at the last minute to see an orange swirly thing plummeting toward him.
The orange swirly thing, consequently, was the last thing Raymond Miller saw in his life, as a millisecond later he was hit by the bus that killed him.
Moments later, the soul of Raymond Miller came face to face with a disgruntled-looking man dressed in a black robe standing next to a large neon sign that pointed up.
A various amount of blood, sweat, tears, and a number of other fluids (including Mountain Dew… shameless product placement, send money) went into writing this book. Most of all I want to thank my family for being supportive of my insane writing endeavors, especially my wife who is, above all else, a constant inspiration to me. I’d also like to thank Ricky Gunawan for his amazing cover art, Lisa and Eugene at Curiosity Quills Press for continuing to accept bribes in order to publish my work, and my amazing editor, Mary Harris. Without Mary, every single word in this book would be in a different order, separated by a comma, and preceded by an inappropriately placed ellipsis…
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Andrew Buckley (born 1980 in Lees, Manchester, UK) – is a contemporary Canadian novelist (an author of satirical fiction), marketing professional, freelance writer, and podcaster.
Buckley attended the Vancouver Film School’s Writing for Film and Television program where he graduated with Excellence. After pitching and developing several screenplay projects for film and television he worked in marketing and public relations for several years before venturing into a number of content writing contracts. During this time he abandoned screenwriting altogether and began writing his first novel, Death, the Devil, and the Goldfish, which was published in December 2012 by CQ Press.
Andrew lives in the Okanagan Valley, BC with his wife, 3 children, two evil cats, and a very needy dog. Fueled only by Pop Tarts and Tetley Tea he spends his time writing, working, and podcasting for more hours than are actually contained in a day.
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ISBN: 978-1-62007-394-0 (ebook)
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Death, the Devil, and the Goldfish, by Andrew Buckley
(http://j.mp/16mcDtr)
From the Bahamas to Heathrow airport, to the rain soaked streets of London the dead have ceased dying.W hat’s the real reason behind the chaos?
In London we find Nigel Reinhardt to be a disgraced, confused, and gifted London police constable who owns a prophetic goldfish. When the Devil hatches a nefarious plot to take over the world by possessing a cute little kitty and seizing a factory of robotic Christmas elves, it’s up to Nigel and a group of unlikely companions to save the world or die trying… or both.
Extra Credit Epidemic, by Nina Post
(http://j.mp/1aIh7Mm)
Taffy Snackerge is a high school senior who likes doing things her way. Gifted in science, she'd rather analyze infectious diseases and pick up a girl for the occasional fling than deal with her boring schoolwork or the high school social scene. When she notices a surprising number of cases of food poisoning in the area, she's eager to dig in and find the cause.
As cases multiply, Taffy knows it's up to her to find out what's making people sick. But can she learn to work with her two quirky teammates and locate the source of the outbreak before it reaches epidemic proportions?
The Last Condo Board of the Apocalypse, by Nina Post
(http://j.mp/1hu3pQk)
Kelly Driscoll tracks down monsters for a living, but the job isn’t what it used to be. When a reclusive client hires her to locate a rival angel, Kelly’s search takes her to a downtown highrise that has become home to hundreds of fallen angels and dimension-hopping monsters.
As the fallen angels take over the condo board, argue over who’s handling pizza delivery, and begin planning for a little shindig otherwise known as the apocalypse, Kelly must team up with an unlikely group of allies to find her target and keep the fallen angels at bay.
The Last Donut Shop of the Apocalypse, by Nina Post
(http://j.mp/1f4bzwO)
After narrowly preventing the last apocalypse, Kelly Driscoll signs up for a new mission: locating the missing president of the famed Cluck Snack brand. As she quickly learns, the missing executive is only the beginning of Pothole City’s problems—including a new plot to kill the beloved single-purpose angels and set the stage for another apocalypse.
Teaming up with her allies—Af the Angel of Destruction, Stringfellow the ferret, and Tubiel and the other single-purpose angels—will Kelly rescue the missing president and restore peace in Pothole City before it is destroyed yet again?
One Ghost Per Serving, by Nina Post
(http://j.mp/1h0Urwj)
Possessed by Rex, a mischievous spirit, Eric Snackerge’s life has careened out of control. He is at his wits’ end trying to piece his life together – and the solution may lie in the biggest sweepstakes of his life.
As Eric and his ghostly companion soon learn, the people behind the contest have some… shady… secrets – and an even shadier agenda!
Teaming up with ghostly allies, Eric and Rex rush to prevent a dangerous supernatural pathogen from entering the food supply—and making the Snackerge family its next victim.
Danger in Cat World by Nina Post
(http://j.mp/HswQVE)
On the verge of losing himself in his work, Shawn Danger, a homicide detective, investigates the murder of a reclusive heiress, but when he discovers a window to another universe and dozens of cats begin appearing out of thin air, he must embrace the unknown to solve the case.
Can Shawn embrace the unknown and find the answers he needs to solve the case, and can he act quickly enough to restore balance between the two worlds?
The Kulture Vultures by William Vitka & Bill Vitka
(http://j.mp/1f4bGIB)
In the black of the cosmos, the Combine rules over entire planetary systems with an iron fist, maintaining a monopoly over hearts and minds everywhere with their terrible sitcoms.
Just so happens that the best pirated culture comes from Earth. The human monkeys might not be smart, but damn if they aren’t entertaining.
Earth’s biggest fan, a lowly intergalactic cab driver named Zel, joins a few not-so-loyal companions in a race to prevent humanity’s extinction – by resurrecting Earth’s great pulp writers and scientists. The only ones with enough creative craziness to figure out how to stop the Combine.
Appetizer:
Book Cover
Title Page
What Celebrities are saying about Stiltskin!
Illustrated Map of Thiside
Foreword
Main Course:
Prologue
Chapter One: Robert Darkly
Chapter Two: 10 Minutes Ago...
Chapter Three: Lily
Chapter Four: The Exchange
Chapter Five: The White Rabbit
Chapter Six: Best Laid Plans
Chapter Seven: The Mating Rituals of the Jubjub Bird
Chapter Eight: The Goatheads
Chapter Nine: Fire, Cat, & Rats
Chapter Ten: Bandits of the Old Forest
Chapter Eleven: Niggle
Chapter Twelve: The Historian
Chapter Thirteen: Big Bad Wolf
Chapter Fourteen: Tweedle
Chapter Fifteen: Fanderwinking
Chapter Sixteen: Follow That Dwarf
Chapter Seventeen: A Grave Situation
Chapter Eighteen: Double Crosses & Awkward Situations
Chapter Nineteen: Scraacchhhhhhaakkk!
Chapter Twenty: The Cheshire Cat
Epilogue
Dessert:
A Taste of Death, the Devil, and the Goldfish, by Andrew Buckley
Acknowledgements
Closing
About the Author
Copyright & Publisher
More from Curiosity Quills Press
Andrew Buckley, Stiltskin
