Stiltskin, page 11
The copse of trees loomed up ahead of them, throwing dark silhouettes against the grim sky. The path ran for about a mile through the trees before emerging at the other end. Dry leaves blew across the cracked and faded yellow brick road and swirled through the trees.
“Why’s it feel so intensely creepy in here?” asked Robert. There really wasn’t any reason for it. The trees were alive and rustling to the melodic tunes of the breeze, the green hills and pastures could be seen in breaks through the trees. It was nothing like the Dark Forest, but it still felt chilling.
“Some say that the trees are angry,” said Gnick. “This entire valley was once forest but it was felled to make the farmlands for the three kingdoms. The copses that remain are in a constant state of aggravation at losing their tree brethren.”
Lily laughed. “What a load of crap.”
“Yeah but it adds to the effect,” said Gnick grinning.
Robert noticed something through the trees to the left and for a moment, thought he saw the lost kitten playing in the leaves. “Did you guys see th―?”
“Shh!” said General Gnarly and everyone came to an abrupt stop. “We’re being watched.”
“General, if this is more crap about angry trees―” said Lily.
“Shh!” he said. And then in direct paradox, he yelled “Come out, we know you’re there!”
“Look,” said Robert, “how do you know…”
Six men emerged from the trees not far in front of them. Four of them looked like they were made for hiding behind trees. They wore ragged looking, tree coloured clothing and their limbs were long and spindly. They wore large brimmed pointed hats and gave off a sense that everyone should probably just do what they say. In order to back up that particular sense, the fifth and sixth members of their group were extremely large and Robert wondered how they had missed them as hiding behind a tree would seem like a physical impossibility for them. They were tall and broad, wearing similar clothing as their companions, although somewhat tighter, with fists the size of a good ham shank and faces that looked like they were chiselled from granite.
One of the thin ones stepped forward, removed his hat to reveal a completely bald head, and bowed low. “Greetings, fellow travellers, it is a good day to walk the yellow road, a good day indeed.”
“It is that,” said General Gnarly.
“No argument here,” agreed Gnick.
“I wonder, might you move aside, as we still have a ways to go and as you mentioned, it is a good day to travel,” said Lily diplomatically.
“You should say something,” said the voice in Robert’s head.
“Hello,” said Robert.
“Bold and moving all at the same time,” said the voice with only a hint of sarcasm.
“Of course we’ll have you on your way in no time. Allow me to introduce ourselves. My name is Arollis. My three brothers here are Mikolin, Gaulo, and Jillik. Our two larger cousins are Gruntnard and Abbigail.”
Robert noted that Abbigail had started to drool.
“And in whose company do we find ourselves today?”
There was a pause while General Gnarly weighed up the six men.
“I’m General Gnarly of the Warrior Gnomes of the Grimm Mountains and this is my Lieutenant, Gnick. Lily here is an Agent assigned out of Oz and the moron on the end there is Robert.”
Robert barely even noticed the insult. He was watching Gruntnard and Abbigail as they appeared to be flexing their fists.
Unbeknownst to Robert and his companions, Abbigail had originally been named Bockrick but had voluntarily changed his name to prove a point. That point being that if one were big enough, mean enough, and had the ethical capacity to turn a grown man literally inside out, then it really didn’t matter what one was called.
“An Agent, well, well. And you, General, we’ve definitely heard of.”
“Aye,” agreed the General, “and I know of you as well. You’re the Bandits of the Old Forest.”
Arollis clapped his hands in delight. “I’m so happy that our reputation has spread so far.”
“It’s true,” agreed Lily, “we’ve heard reports of you as far as Oz.”
“Splendid,” said Arollis, “then we can dispense with any further pleasantries, I suppose. Normally I have to speak at length about what we do and why we’re here and so on. It actually gets boring after a while but being that you already know us, then you know what the next step is?”
“You’ll be expecting us to hand over all our belongings,” said General Gnarly with a bit of a grin that suggested he had no intention of handing anything to anyone.
“Gentleman,” began Lily, once again diplomatically, “I’m sure you understand the gravity of robbing an Agent, and as you have heard of General Gnarly, then I assume you also know that he is actually quite dangerous. I’m willing to overlook this interruption in our journey if you’ll just step aside and we’ll pretend that none of this ever happened.”
The skinny bandits laughed in a way that Robert found condescending. His impression of Agents was that they were feared but disliked, sort of like a fairy tale Gestapo. But any authority that instilled even a small amount of fear usually garnered at least some respect.
“Well, I see that this conversation has gone quite as far as it can,” said Arollis.
“Oh dear,” said the voice.
“What?” said Robert.
“What do you mean, ‘what’?” asked Arollis.
“There’s going to be a fight,” said the voice.
“Surely not,” said Robert.
“Surely not what?” said Arollis, who was clearly getting thrown off his game. He was used to a standard order of things. His family would fall upon travellers, Arollis would act as the spokesman, always the gentleman, and then they’d rob the travellers of everything. If they resisted in the slightest the bandits would beat the travellers within an inch of their lives. Sometimes less than an inch.
“You should apologize,” suggested the voice.
“Will you please shut up!” said Robert.
“All right I think I’ve had quite enough,” said Arollis, losing his temper.
“Sorry,” said Robert, “got lost in my own mind, carry on.”
Lily and the Gnomes were staring at him. General Gnarly had a glint of realization somewhere behind those old eyes.
Lily tried diplomacy one more time. “Arollis, you have a lovely family and I’d hate to see anyone get hurt here today. We’ve never met before and I keep the knowledge of my existence to a minimum and even then only among those I trust. I can however assure you that if you continue along this particular path of trying to rob us that it will end badly for you and your kin.”
The bandits laughed again. Even Abbigail let out a giggle. It sounded a lot like someone chewing on rocks, but still, a giggle, nevertheless.
“Gruntnard, please take care of the one they refer to as the moron; Abbigail, please take care of our friendly Agent, and brothers, we will take care of our two small problems.”
Abbigail moved with surprising speed to grab Lily but was met with a very diplomatic kick to the testicles that caused him to literally rise off the ground a few inches. Lily grabbed a handful of the large man’s shirt and heaved him backwards over her head into a tree, causing a cracking sound that could have been the tree trunk or possibly the permanent realignment of Abbigail’s spine.
The four brothers dived for the Gnomes, who were now brandishing shiny, sharp weapons, and Lily moved to help them.
Robert was left facing Gruntnard who, after seeing his own brother thrown aside by a small female, was proceeding with caution. Gruntnard wasn’t known for his thinking skills. There was a very good chance he couldn’t spell skills. He was more known for his ability to snap bones and cause internal bleeding. Normally, he would have lunged at Robert, who would quickly be rendered unconscious and then relieved of all his worldly possessions.
“Uh,” said Gruntnard.
“Don’t be rude,” said the voice in Robert’s head, “say something.”
“Please don’t hurt me,” said Robert meekly.
“No, be more confident,” demanded the voice.
“I mean, don’t even think about hurting me, or, ehh…”
“Or else,” suggested the voice.
“Or else!” finished Robert.
“Or else wot?” said Gruntnard
“Or else what?” Robert asked the voice.
“That’s wot I sed,” grumbled Gruntnard, scratching his head. This was more conversation than he was used to with his victims. He raised a fist like a sledgehammer and waved it menacingly as if trying to figure out the best place to hit that would cause the most damage.
“Maybe we should change the subject; ask him about his family?” suggested the voice.
“How’s your mother these days?” asked Robert with as much sympathy as he could muster.
“Well, we don’t talk anymore, do we,” said Gruntnard lowering his fist a little.
“Well, that’s no good, everyone needs a mother,” said Robert.
“Uh yeah. Do you ‘ave a muther?” asked Gruntnard.
“No, I’m an orphan. Never knew my mother. Why don’t you talk to your mother anymore?”
“She don’t like tha’ bizniss I’m in, she thinks it’s too ruff.”
“You know, she might have a point,” said Robert.
“Oh nice, I see where you’re going with this,” said the voice.
“Well, it’s all I’m good at really. Hurting people’s what I do.”
“Surely there’s something else you’d like to do, maybe something that your mother might not mind so much? What else are you good at?”
Gruntnard dropped his fist to his side. “Well, I like to bake every now un then.”
“Baking… really?” said the voice.
“Shut up,” said Robert.
“No really, I love to bake every now un then. Nothin too complicated, just bread or some scones or maybe a nice apple pie.”
“Well, maybe you should do that? Think how much better your mother would feel. I’m sure she loves you a lot and probably doesn’t like all the bone-breaking you’re probably used to.”
“Well, yes,” said Gruntnard, tearing up slightly, “she’d be much happier if I’d stop making people bleed all the time.”
“And she probably works hard,” suggested Robert. “Must break her heart to see you not doing what you enjoy doing. And I’m sure you don’t want to break her heart.”
Gruntnard started sobbing slightly. “Well no…”
“Of course, you’d have to stop what you’re doing right now but just think how happy she’ll be. I’ll bet she’ll have a twinkle in her eye when you tell her you’re going to become a baker.”
Gruntnard’s large shoulders were shaking as the tears began to flow freely. “I wanna see my mummy!”
“You should hug him,” said the voice.
“Are you sure?” asked Robert.
“Look at him; he’s bawling. The least you can do is give him a hug.”
Lily ducked beneath Arollis’ arm as he swung a dagger in a wide arc. She grabbed his wrist and swung her head up, breaking his arm. She punched him in the stomach, then threw him onto the pile with his brothers as he doubled over. General Gnarly was re-concealing his weapons while Gnick dusted himself off.
“Robert!” said Lily. She often got lost in the moment when fighting and Robert had slipped her mind completely. She and the Gnomes turned around to where they’d left Robert before the fight started. What they saw was surprising.
Robert was hugging and consoling a blubbering Gruntnard, who was crying uncontrollably.
“There, there. You should probably get your family and head home. I look forward to tasting one of your pastries one day.”
“I’d like that,” said Gruntnard.
“Now go on, run along,” said Robert.
“Thanks ver much,” sniffed Gruntnard and shuffled off past Lily and the Gnomes and began gathering up his unconscious family members.
“Robert, what the hell happened?” asked Lily in disbelief.
“And you thought I couldn’t handle myself,” said Robert confidently.
“Why was he crying?”
“Obviously he was scared of me,” said Robert.
“She’s never going to buy that,” said the voice.
“There’s no way that’s true,” said Lily.
“Told ya,” said the voice.
“I appealed to his better nature. He’s going to be a baker now and give up beating the hell out of everyone.”
One of those moments took place where no one really knew what to say. When someone should say something profound but can’t figure out who should say it or what they should say. The four of them just stared at each other.
“You’re weird, moron,” said Gnick finally.
“Good job not getting killed,” said General Gnarly. “Lily, we need to talk, now!”
The pair of them moved away, leaving Gnick and Robert wondering what had just happened.
As Lily followed General Gnarly farther into the forest to escape earshot, she was surprised by the emergence of a feeling. She felt a sudden wave of admiration for Robert Darkly. She wasn’t used to feelings and she wondered what it could mean.
he concept of having a City of Oz that resided in the province of Oz was completely lost on many residents of Thiside. When the Emerald City had been left in ruins almost three hundred years ago, the best architects in all of Thiside were commissioned by the Wizards of Oz to build a new city. The architects charged an extortionate amount of money but no one batted an eyelid as they were, after all, the best. Despite many residents of the ruined Emerald City being homeless and living in overcrowded camps, the architects took almost a year to design and release their first plans for the new city, but this was completely understandable because they were the best.
Once the plans were released, most people had to look twice out of sheer disbelief. Upon review, the Wizards of Oz became severely confused. Instead of carefully laid out plans for an entire city, there were several large sheets of paper with some of the nicest finger-painting seen anywhere in Thiside or Othaside. The architects explained that they were the best at what they do and that drawing up plans was beneath them and that if the wizards wanted something more coherent than their highly detailed finger painting they should have said so. The architects were promptly fired.
The second group of architects to be hired had to be brought out of retirement as they were once the best but had since retired to a nice cottage on the Fairy Islands. They were Humanimals with the heads of pigs and the bodies of humans and there were three of them. They had built a great many houses in their time but had retired when an economic downturn, in the form of a particularly mean dragon, stole a large store of gold from the Seven Dwarves Mining Company, caused the bottom of the housing market to drop out entirely.
As construction of the city was already a year behind schedule, the Wizards of Oz agreed to use magic to help move the construction of the City of Oz along quickly. The three architects drew up plans, masonry was shipped in, the Wizards garnered the necessary magic, and construction of the city was completed in just under two weeks. The River Oz separated the city itself into two halves. It was a sad fact that, although steeped in magic, the Wizards of Oz had the creative capacity of a brick. When it came to naming the city, its landmarks, and other important elements, all the names ended up having Oz in the title somewhere. On the north side of the river lived the downtown and industrial areas and the south comprised the residential end of the city. The roads were all cobblestoned and narrow to maintain the look and feel of the old Emerald City. The buildings were tightly packed and stacked high and the High Castle of Oz that housed the City Guard and the Council of Wizards was built out of emerald stone quarried from the ruins of the Emerald City.
It was the tall green towers, sparkling despite the overcast sky, which Rumpelstiltskin observed from his hiding spot in a nearby alleyway. He needed to talk to someone in those towers, one wizard in particular; an old acquaintance. The Dwarf guessed that the wizard probably wasn’t going to be happy to see him but Rumpelstiltskin needed a favor; a favor that only a wizard could do.
He pulled on the ragged cloak he’d found in the alleyway and kicked the old man he’d found wearing it as he groaned on the alley floor. The Dwarf slipped from the alley, quickly crossed the street, and scrambled up and over the emerald wall, then dropped heavily into the Castle gardens.
The gardens were created by a colour-blind wizard horticulturist by the name of Eric. He didn’t want to be a wizard; he just wanted to grow pretty flowers. It’d been Eric’s parents who had forced him into wizardry, although really no one was forced into wizardry, it just naturally found them. No one really understood how, but it had something to do with magic accidentally penetrating the womb not long after conception. The wizarding community experimented with forcing magic into the wombs of several pregnant women, but the result was a group of children who came in a variety of interesting and unique shades of purple. Magic accidentally had to intrude upon the foetus for it to produce a wizard, concluding with a certain amount of finality that even magic likes to have a little fun now and then.
Eric was found to have the wizard’s gift at a young age when he blew up his aunty Flo’s pet borogove. His love of gardening always intruded upon his magical training but he was overjoyed to find that he could blend his necessity for magic with his love of horticulture by creating and growing fabulously strange plants and shrubs. The other wizards avoided the Castle Gardens at all costs, as they often failed to perceive the beauty that Eric saw in his beloved creations.
It was these horrifically multi-coloured creations that now stared at the Dwarf with looks ranging from bewilderment that someone was actually in their garden to anger that someone had the audacity to intrude upon their garden. A horrible side effect of creating plants using magic was that they were often not only self-aware, but also aware of everything that was going on around them. Many of them also had the capacity to move and in some cases to talk, although not always in an understandable language. Magic being an ancient force, it was sometimes associated with the language of the Jabberwockies which was simply called Jabberwocky. Some believed it to be a grand language full of wisdom and the hidden meaning of the creation of all things. Others believed it to be a load of crap.
