The Stardust in the Ashes, page 15
Cal grins. “That you are. That’s why you’ll make a great king.” My face falls and Cal frowns. “What did I say?”
I shake my head and pull the blanket tighter around my shoulders, fixing my gaze on the lantern.
“Ehren, what’s wrong?” Cal presses, his voice gentle.
“I don’t think I’ll make a good king.”
“What? Of course you will! How can you doubt that?”
I raise my eyes back to his, fighting back tears. “Because I’m broken, Cal. How can I fix a broken kingdom if I can’t even fix myself?”
“You’re not broken, Ehren,” Cal insists, his expression looking as shattered as I feel. “You’re just struggling right now and, given everything you’ve been through, that’s normal.”
“Even if it’s normal, it makes it difficult to be everything I need to be in order to lead a kingdom.”
I feel a hot tear on my frozen cheek as the darkness and shadows I’ve been keeping at bay come creeping back to drown me. My chest feels tight and I can’t breathe. I squeeze my eyes shut, shaking my head. Cal clasps both my shoulders.
“Hey, look at me.”
I open my eyes and stare into the swirls of brown in Cal’s. I take a deep breath and release it slowly.
“You are the strongest person I know. The fact that you’re dealing with all of this and still managing to function at all is an amazing feat. You’re an incredible person, Ehren, and you will make a wonderful king. I’ve known this for years. It’s okay if you don’t have faith in yourself right now, because I have enough faith for both of us.”
“Do you really think I can do it?”
Cal smiles and nods. “With every ounce of my being, I believe in you, my prince and my king.”
“Will you stay by my side?”
“Of course,” Cal says without a breath of hesitation. “There is nothing that can keep me from my duty.”
I look down at my hands clasping the blanket. “Ah, yes,” I mumble with a nod. “Your duty. Your oath.”
“Ehren, you will always be more than an oath to me, and I think you know that.” I jerk my eyes back to his as he continues. “I don’t feel obligated to stay by your side. I want to be here. There’s no place I’d rather be, and nothing can keep me from being here for you in whatever capacity you will allow.”
Gods, I want to kiss him. More than anything I want to kiss him. But what would he do? Would he kiss me back? Or would it ruin everything? I hesitate a moment too long, and he breaks our gaze, glancing toward our packs.
“So do you want cheese, bits of dried meat, or dried fruit for dinner?”
I swallow and exhale slowly, trying to slow my racing heart. “Surprise me.”
We settle on bits of cheese and fruit, falling into easy, more casual conversation as we eat. By the time we’re done, the tent feels warmer, but we adjust our bedrolls so they touch. We extinguish the lantern and slide beneath both blankets.
My heart thrums inside my chest as I stare up at the tent roof, my hands folded across my chest. I feel Cal shift next to me and realize his hand is at his side, mere inches away. I release a shaky breath and let my hand slide down my chest to the ground, brushing his beneath the blanket. His breathing hitches and his hand shifts to push firmly against mine, which does nothing to calm my heart. I inhale and exhale slowly, debating my next move. Slowly, deliberately, I fold my fingers into his. I half-expect him to pull his hand back, but instead he tightens his grip. I smile.
I suspect we’ll both have sweet dreams tonight. I know I will.
Chapter Fourteen
ASTRA
I still smell the blood when I jerk awake. My heart races and I’m soaked in sweat. Alak hasn’t even been gone a full day and my nightmares have already returned in full force. I thought they might. On our journey to the Summer Palace, there were a few nights when Alak was on watch and not sleeping next to me. On those nights, my nightmares would return to an extent, but his presence nearby was enough to calm them some. Now, he’s gods know where and I’m alone.
I’m still exhausted, but I can’t make myself close my eyes, not ready for more blood-soaked battlefields. With a sigh, I rise from my bed and wrap myself in a robe. I slink down the dark corridors and out into the garden. It’s cold, but I don’t care. I need to see the stars.
“Shouldn’t you be in bed?”
I glance over my shoulder as Kai steps out of the shadows.
“I couldn’t sleep.”
Kai gives me a knowing nod. “You’re not used to sleeping alone.”
I sigh and look back up at the stars, pulling my robe tighter around me. “I’ve never slept alone. Not really. Even when I didn’t share a bed, I still shared a room. But it’s more than simple loneliness.”
“Nightmares?” Kai asks, stepping to my side and following my gaze to the night sky.
I nod. “Yes.”
“I know I’m not Alak, and I don’t have Ehren’s spell skills, but if you want, I can keep you company.”
I pull my eyes from the sky and meet Kai’s eyes, smirking. “So, Alak and I share a bed and you automatically opt to sleep on our floor, but he goes away and you decide to ask permission?”
The corner of Kai’s lips twitch as he fights a smile. “I am watching out for you.” His expression sobers as he adds, “Sometimes I need to see you with my own eyes to know that you’re okay, that you’re alive and breathing. It puts my mind at ease.”
I smile and loop my arm with his. “I know, and I appreciate it. But I also appreciate alone time with Alak.” I lift my eyes back to the stars. “Just a few more moments of fresh air and then, if you’re done with whatever you were doing, I wouldn’t mind the company.”
Kai nods and shifts closer. We stand for several more minutes in silence, staring at the stars winking down at us. When we finally resign to my room, I curl up against Kai, praying the nightmares stay away. I drift into sleep, and what I find might as well be a nightmare.
“It’s been awhile.”
“What are you doing here, Aoibhinn?” I snap, my voice sharp.
“Your hostility is uncalled for,” she replies with a scowl.
“You withheld information from me that could have changed everything. I think my hostility is very well placed,” I reply, crossing my arms. “You knew Kato was under the influence of Caedios and didn’t think to warn me until it was too late.”
She shakes her head. “You know that’s not exactly true. I only had a vague awareness of what was happening, and I did give you the information when I could.”
I shake my head, turning away. “You could have done more.”
“Let me make up for it now.”
I spin and face her, my eyes flashing. “How?”
“I know how to defeat Caedios. I’m the only one who has ever done it.”
I stumble back, my eyes widening. “I don’t want to kill Kato. I—I can’t kill him. He’s my twin. He’s—”
“He’s lost,” Aoibhinn cuts me short, her eyes filled with knowing sadness. “I know exactly how you feel, Astra. I’ve been there myself.”
“No,” I snap, shaking my head. “You know nothing about what I am going through. Killing your lover”—Aoibhinn flinches—“and killing your brother are two very different things. I will not kill Kato unless I am sure there is no other way.”
“Very well. And while you wait, the rest of the world can just go to hell.”
All color leeches from my face. “That’s not fair.”
“No it’s not,” Aoibhinn says, her voice hard. “That’s how life works. There’s nothing fair about this situation. There was nothing fair about when I had to kill Caedios the first time. Whether or not it’s fair changes nothing.”
“I will not kill my brother on your word alone simply because you failed to properly dispose of the demon haunting his mind. Your failure will not dictate my actions.”
Aoibhinn rears back as if I slapped her. “You have no idea what you’re up against.”
“Maybe not, but I’m looking for more answers.”
Aoibhinn sighs, shaking her head. “I would wish you luck, but I’m afraid the time for luck has passed. When you’re ready to listen, I’ll be here.”
Without another word, she disappears and I’m left alone. I should be relieved, but somehow I know the worst is yet to come.
Kai is up, staring out a window when I wake. He glances toward me with a smile as I ease into a sitting position.
“Did you sleep okay?”
I nod, rubbing the sleep form my eyes. “I slept well enough. You?”
Kai nods, looking back out the window. “As well as any other night.”
“Have you been awake long?”
Kai shrugs. “A few minutes. I didn’t want you to wake up alone.”
I smile at him affectionately. “Thanks, Kai. I know you have rounds to make, so I won’t keep you.”
Kai nods and walks toward the door, pausing halfway to look back at me.
“What are your plans today?”
“I don’t know. I feel a little lost right now, to be honest. My instincts tell me to go to the library. Knowledge is one of the greatest resources and books hold their own arsenal.”
A smile plays at the corners of Kai’s lips as he nods. “You’re not wrong, but may I propose a different option than immediately locking yourself away?”
“Of course.”
“Come with me and check the borders of our wards. Shift and run with me. It’s been a while since you’ve shifted, and I think it would be good for you.”
I smile, the idea of shifting warming my soul. I nod, pushing back the covers and rising from the bed.
“All right. Give me a few minutes to get ready for the day. I’ll meet you down by the kitchen.”
Kai leaves without another word and I dress quickly. The castle feels still today, almost too quiet. Only a few people are missing, but their absence is felt in every corner. Things are finally moving forward and we all bear the weight of what that means. War is already here, but now we march to battle. Or, at least, we will in the very near future.
The kitchen feels alive compared to the rest of the castle. Kai leans against the wall outside the main door, a steaming mug in his hands.
“I thought you might need this,” he says, handing me the mug as I step to his side.
I accept it from him and breathe deeply. “Coffee. You do love me.”
He rolls his eyes and pushes away from the wall. “I figure if we’re going to spend the next hour or so together it would be best to have you in a good mood.”
I narrow my eyes at Kai. “I can be in a good mood without coffee.”
He arches an eyebrow as I take a long sip, sighing in contentment.
“Though,” I add, “coffee does help.”
Kai shakes his head, the corners of his lips turning upward into what could almost be called a smile.
“Drink that and we’ll get going. When we come back, you can have a proper breakfast.”
“Coffee is br—”
“It is not.”
“Fine. As long as I get coffee, I don’t even care.”
It only takes a few minutes for me to drain my mug. As I drink, I listen to the casual chatter coming from the kitchen. Two young men talk about a pretty girl. Cook scolds a kitchen maid for spilling milk. Moments like this make things almost feel normal.
When I finish my coffee, Kai takes my mug to be washed and we head outside. Once in the courtyard, Kai shifts and I follow suit, taking the form of a silver wolf. Kai meets my eyes and I sense his excitement. He races off and I chase after him. A few of the guards and servants dive out of our way, watching with wide, concerned eyes, but I don’t care. After weeks of being trapped inside, I feel free.
Kai winds around to the farthest edge of the wards. I follow. Even in my wolf form I can sense the magic. It’s mostly constructed by Alak and I weaving our magic together, but it’s also reinforced by spellwork. Now that Alak is gone, it’s my responsibility to make sure that the wards remain intact. When Alak was here, maintaining the spell was as easy as breathing for both of us. Now that he’s gone, I can feel the drain on my magic. It’s not enough to exhaust me, but it’s enough that I notice. I haven’t told anybody yet, but I really need to figure out another way to maintain the wards while Alak is gone.
It takes roughly half an hour to check all the wards. At the final corner, I shift back into my human form. Kai looks disappointed but shifts back as well.
“Feel better?” he asks as I sink down to the ground. “Or was it too much?”
I reach out and touch the ward, the magic tingling against my fingers.
“Not too much but I am a little tired.” I scowl at the invisible ward, twirling my fingers in the magic.
“What is it? Is the ward weak now that Alak is gone?”
I shake my head, standing up and brushing loose bits of grass and dirt from my dress. “It’s not weaker, but it’s harder to maintain on my own.” I raise my eyes to meet Kai’s as I grin. “I know you wanted to keep me from the library, but I think I need to go search my books for a new spell or two that can maintain this magic with less help from me.”
Kai chuckles. “I didn’t necessarily want to keep you out of the library all day. I merely wanted to remind you to live and breathe. You are doing good work here, Astra. When we win this war, it will largely be due to you. But you need to remember to take time for yourself, too. You can’t bear the burdens of everyone without breaking.”
I smile softly. “I know. You’re right.” I place my hand on his arm. “Thankfully, I have you here to remind me.”
“I’ll always be here for you,” he replies. “Let’s go in and get you a proper breakfast and then you can hole up in your library as long as you need. Sound good?”
“Can I eat my breakfast in the library?” I ask as we start walking.
Kai sighs and shakes his head. “I suppose.”
I go straight to the library, Kai arriving a few minutes later with a plate of sausages, toast, and fruit. Kai doesn’t stick around long and leaves me to my work. The books left behind at this palace aren’t terribly helpful. From what Cadewynn told me when we first arrived, this castle was built when her grandfather was king. While that means many things are nicer and less worn, the library is stocked with more recent books and texts, not the ones I actually need right now. There’s very little here on magic, and what magical texts are available are more history and less practical instructions. With a sigh I close yet another book, leaning back in my chair.
“Do you need help with the big words?” Ronan teases from the doorway, a tray of sandwiches balanced in his free hand.
I grin. “Not yet, but I’ll keep you posted if I find any really tough words.”
He laughs and takes a seat across from me, setting the tray on the table between us.
“I was looking for you and was told you’d likely be in here. I wasn’t sure if I would be disturbing you or not, so I brought food. I’ve discovered in my vast life experience that people are much less likely to hate your presence if you arrive with the offer of food.”
I laugh and reach for a sandwich. “You’re not wrong. I don’t mind a little company either way.”
“What exactly are you researching?” Ronan asks, opening the nearest book and scanning the pages while I nibble my sandwich. “Magical histories?”
I nod, swallowing. “I need a spell to reinforce the wards. I was hoping to find something in these books, but so far they’ve been pretty useless. Ehren might know a spell, but he took most of his spell books with him.”
“Hmm,” Ronan muses, tapping a finger to his chin. “I might be able to help, if you’ll allow it.”
“Really? I’d be open to any and all help.”
“Good,” Ronan grins. “You see, I’m a bit of a bookworm myself. My favorite place in my home is the library. It’s my sanctuary. When magic resurfaced, I gathered every text on magic I could, including spell books. I brought a few with me.”
My eyes light up. “Really? I would love to look through them.”
“Of course. I’ll go fetch them right away. Though, I may be able to help you more directly.”
I tilt my head. “How?”
Ronan’s grin fills his face. “Well, my particular magical skillset so happens to be wards and shielding of all sorts. The magical ward you created with Alak is far beyond what I can typically do, but if we work together, I believe we can make a decent shield around the palace that will be more than sufficient. I think even have some books containing a spell or two to make the wards self-sustaining so they don’t drain our magic constantly.”
“That would be amazing! Can we go get the books now?”
Ronan laughs. “We can, but it would be a pity to leave these sandwiches sitting here. It would make them sad not to fulfill their life purpose of being eaten.”
I throw back my head and laugh. “I wouldn’t want that. Let’s eat and then we can get those books.”
We make quick work of the sandwiches. I have a feeling Ronan could have downed the entire tray without my help, but I do my part. Ronan leads me up to his room, and I’m pleasantly surprised he’s been given a room only a couple doors down from my own. He opens the door and sweeps into the room, and I follow behind. Everything is neat and organized, and if it weren’t for the many books and papers scattered across the desk in the far corner, I would doubt this room was in use. There are seven books stacked on top of the desk with a few more piled on the floor next to a bag that looks to be filled with scrolls and other loose texts.
“Feel free to look at any of these,” Ronan says, walking toward the desk and nodding to the books.
“Are there any you would recommend as a good starting point?” I ask, picking up a smaller green book with silver etching.
“Well, not that book.” He chuckles, easing onto the edge of his bed. “I’m afraid that one is mostly a work of fiction I enjoyed as a boy.”
I turn the book over in my hands, eying it curiously. “Faerie stories?”
