Calumet, page 25
years to have this talk with you, and it isn’t going at all like I
imagined.”
“Are you kidding me right now?” The flip remark seemed
to ignite Iris’s anger, and her tears stopped cold. “Sorry, but
I don’t know what you’re hoping for here.”
“I’m not asking you for anything. The thought of calling
you has crossed my mind more than a few times through
the years, but I let those urges die away with a lot of other
juvenile hopes I had.”
“What in the hell did you do? And why didn’t Roy help
you with all this?” She put her hand up when Iris went to say
something else. “Don’t deny it. You and Daniel had as much
chance of creating a kid who looks a lot like me as the kid
actually being mine. Roy’s been close the whole time, and
he has to know about her. We might not be in each other’s
lives as much anymore, but he’s not a complete asshole.”
“You know how Roy and I felt about each other back
then, and that hasn’t changed much. I didn’t want him
involved. He was just a means to an end, and he was fine
with the situation as it was. Like I said, I’m not asking you
for anything. I loved you—a small part of me still does—so I
wanted a reminder of what you meant to me. A reminder I
thought I wouldn’t have to share or let go of.” Iris wiped her
face with the sleeve of her blouse, and it smeared the little
makeup she had on.
“Why in the world did you not tell me all this? I can
understand that you were young, but you had to have some
idea what the consequences were going to be.” She had to
stop talking, or she’d start screaming again.
“I didn’t think ahead. I wanted a baby, and I found a way
to do that and keep her. Only now, just like you, Sean is
waiting for the day she can leave and not come back. She’s
got her scholarships lined up, and all that’s stopping her is
her next year of school.” Iris stopped and took some more
deep breaths. “I could have let her skip some grades, so
she’d be done, but I thought sixteen was too young to be on
her own.”
“I don’t know her well, but I can understand wanting to
go. If that’s all you’re going to tell me, then what can I do
for you?”
“I can help her with what she wants, like going to college.
What I can’t give her is the guidance she desperately wants
because she doesn’t fit in. At least, that’s the impression
she gives me, but she refuses to talk to me. I don’t want her
out there thinking I’m ashamed of who she is, what she
wants, and who she loves. Sean needs someone like you to
talk to, a mentor of sorts, and I’d like it if you would be that
someone to her.”
“How’s Daniel going to take that? I doubt he’d like me
talking to you, much less Sean.”
Iris paused and seemed to think before putting her hand
over hers. “Don’t worry about Daniel—that’s not why I’m
here. I know I don’t have the right to ask, but I’m thinking
about Sean and what she needs. At this point in her life it’s
easy to go in the wrong direction and not find her way back.
She’s full of questions, and she’s angry. I’m doing my best,
but she’s getting farther out of my reach.”
“Are you afraid she’ll go, or stay?” The way this
conversation was going was like being on a hamster wheel.
She was picking up speed but going nowhere.
“I can’t answer that yet. I have time before she decides
on a school. All I know is that in the last few months I’ve lost
her. Something happened, and she won’t talk to me.” Her
pain sounded genuine. “If I can’t get her to talk to me…”
“What? She’d talk to me?” she asked when Iris stopped
talking abruptly. “Your daughter is sixteen, so I’m not sure
what a great idea it is for me to forge a relationship with her.
For one, she needs answers from you, and then there’s
Daniel. What’s so hard about telling her what happened?
You decided to have a baby to make yourself happy, and
that’s what you did. She’s not going to hate you for that.”
“Sean wants the same things you did. It’s scary how
much alike you are. I’ve tried telling her that I’m fine with
Adeline and what she means to her, but it seems to just
push her farther away. I know it wasn’t easy for you, but you
might be able to give her insight I don’t have. You know
what it is to be a gay kid in a small Southern town who
leaves it to see the world. I screwed up, but like you saw
yesterday, she’s a great kid.” Iris gripped her arm and
scooted to the front of her chair. “And don’t let her fool you.
Daniel wasn’t that bad. He has his moments when the past
overrides his mouth, but he didn’t treat her any differently
than he did our son.”
“That he stayed when he figured it out says something
about him.” It made the bile rise in her throat to admit it,
but it was true.
“Daniel and Sean see the world completely differently,
but he’s her dad, and he loves her. I’m not here because I
think she needs another or a better parent. What I think
Sean needs now is a teacher and a mentor in life. She’s got
the educational part down. I need to know someone will be
there to help her get along after she leaves here. You can
give her a place to go if she starts to get lost out there.”
“I gave her my card in case she wants to talk again.
Beyond that, I don’t know what you want or expect from me.
If that’s not what you want to hear, you’ve got to
understand I’m at a disadvantage here. The girlfriend who
dumped me, and apparently knew she was going to dump
me, had sex with my brother so she could have a baby that
looked like me. Surreal doesn’t begin to cut it.” The
enormity of the situation was starting to make her tired. She
glanced down at her watch, wondering if she had time for a
nap.
“Do you like your life, Jax?” Iris finally sounded normal as
she stopped crying.
“It took me a while to find my way, but I do, very much.”
She thought of Margot and her urging her to do this. Did
Margot have any idea what a mess coming back was going
to be? “Why, don’t you?”
“You may find it hard to believe because our expectations
are so different, but yes, I do. I’m happy with my children
and my job. My marriage isn’t a grand passionate affair, but
whose really is after so many years?” Iris shrugged.
“You’re still young—if you’re not happy, don’t settle just
because it’s comfortable. Life’s too short for that.”
“I don’t feel like I am settling. It took time and work, but
Daniel and I are the best of friends, and I love him. When
my youngest, Danny, started school, I started working as
the high school secretary. It’s not as exciting as your career,
Dr. Lavigne, but I like it. What I’m trying to say is I could’ve
had a completely different life by making different choices,
but overall, I’m happy.” Iris smiled and she did as well. “This
is a mess, and I’m sorry.”
Jax stared at the water for a while, pondering the
situation. “Your apology really isn’t necessary. I saw my
mother while I was here, and she’s still fussing about the
same things. What I went through made me appreciate what
I have now. With a little time, I think we both can see that
what we had was that first puppy love, and it was nice but
meant to end. And teenagers do stupid things.” She reached
for Iris’s hand and squeezed her fingers. “I’m glad we both
ended up where we were supposed to be, even if I am pretty
pissed at Roy right now.”
“Thank you, Jax. It might’ve been puppy love, but it was
nice. Like you said, Sean found someone, and she seems
happy, but we’ll have to see where that leads. That’s why I
want you to be there for her if she reaches out to you. I
want Sean to be able to say she’s where she’s supposed to
be when she’s our age.” The request made Iris’s eyes water
again. “As for your mom, I should tell you I finally ran into
her again. I know this town is the size of a postage stamp,
but I really haven’t seen her much.”
“She shouldn’t have any problems with you. If anything,
you’re the daughter she would’ve wanted.”
“I’ve seen her in church and some other places, but I
think this is the first time I had Sean with me.” Iris cringed
as if expecting a bad reaction from her. “I don’t think she’s
ever seen her as a teenager.”
“I’m sure you both got that trout-in-the-mouth look. Roy’s
life should be interesting for the near future. Tell me about
Danny, your son.” The request surprised her as she made it,
but she wanted to keep talking to Iris now that they’d made
peace. At least there was one issue she could put to rest.
Iris’s laugh made Jax smile. “He’s a lot like his father,
only I’ve tried to teach him to be a nicer person. It’s hard to
keep him humble during football season, but I try my best. I
told him I wouldn’t tolerate a bully.”
“I’m sure Sean and her girlfriend appreciate that.”
“He idolizes his sister and has gotten into more than one
fight when anyone gives her trouble.” Iris reached in her
purse and took out a picture of her son in his football
uniform. “After school he wants to follow his dad into law
enforcement, but I have a few years to work on him about
that crazy idea.”
“The world needs all kinds of people, and a career as a
police officer isn’t a bad choice. It’s good that he and Sean
get along.”
“Danny’s my party boy, and Sean’s my bookworm, and
she’s the reason he does so well in school. He sits for her
tutoring because he doesn’t want to get benched. It’s a
blessing they’ll always have each other to get them through
the tough times.”
“I’m happy for you, Iris. You might’ve thrown me for a
loop with all this, but I’m glad I came back. If you don’t mind
my input, don’t knock your life by comparing it to mine or
anyone else’s. You have a lot to be proud of.” Jax held the
picture up before she handed it back. “I’m also glad you
went with your gut and stayed where you’re the happiest.
You might have some lingering doubts that you made those
choices out of fear, but I don’t think that’s true.”
“I’m not that noble,” Iris said. “At the time they were
totally out of fear. Please know that I talked to Daniel plenty
before I accepted his proposal. I never forgot how he treated
you.” Iris dropped her eyes again and seemed to study the
picture of her son. “Even then I felt like such a sellout.”
“We both know he fell in love with you the day he saw
you. I don’t think it was an act, and I’m glad he’s given you
a good life.”
“Can I ask you something?” Iris waited for her to nod.
“Why didn’t you come back before now?”
“I’m not proud of myself, but I didn’t realize how angry
I’ve been until I drove past the sign that welcomes you to
town.”
“I’m so sorry,” Iris said.
“Stop saying that. I was angry for a lot of reasons, and
there was nothing here that was going to make that better.
Once I started teaching and met Margot, this stopped being
home. I still talk to Birdie, and she’s come out to visit like
Roy has, but Mom and Dad haven’t budged. It still hurts, but
it has made it easy to let all that go.” She laughed and
pointed at Iris. “I should thank you for sending me that
invitation. I’m not sure why you all think this five-year
interval is a good idea, but it’s taken this long for me to
admit that keeping all that anger bottled up isn’t healthy.”
“I’ve missed you, and I’ve been curious about you. It’s
not often you see your old friend on the cover of those
gossip magazines in the grocery store.”
She laughed that her life sometimes revolved around
trying to avoid the paparazzi. “Margot works hard but is also
lucky. That show started off a little slow, but it took off, and
her career went with it. It makes it hard to have a date
night.”
“I’m happy for you. All the pictures I’ve seen of you two,
you look like you love each other.” Iris closed her eyes as if
building her courage. “Do you ever think about me?”
Jax could almost feel the thump on the back of her head
Margot would’ve given her for answering the question
honestly. The truth was, she had thought of Iris, but never
with good intentions. She was sure that would change now,
and there was no reason to be cruel. After all, Iris had gone
through a lot, by her own design, to keep a semblance of Jax
with her.
“I didn’t hate everything about this place. You were a big
part of the things I loved about that time. Sorry this is so
late, but thank you for that, and for all those happy
memories you gave me.”
“Could I have a hug now?” Iris stood and held her arms
out again.
Jaxon held Iris against her, remembering the last time
she’d done it. That memory revolved around a painful good-
bye. This time it was both a welcome and a farewell, and it
brought with it a sense of resolve. What they’d shared never
had a chance at success, but it did help shape the people
they’d become. That could be counted as success enough.
“Promise me you won’t turn her away if she calls, Jax.”
Iris squeezed her and pressed her face against her shoulder.
“You would’ve loved watching her growing up, playing every
sport we could sign her up for. She’s talented, smart, and
she has your adventurous heart.”
“I promise I’ll do my best.” Her answer made Iris smile up
at her. If Sean did turn to her, she’d give her all the advice
she wanted, and part of that would be giving her the
roadmap home if that’s what it took to make her content.
Finding a niece hadn’t been on her radar, and what Iris
said made her wistful. What would it have been like to
watch the kid grow up? There were plenty of clues of what it
would be like now to include Sean in her life. When you
added her, Roy, Daniel, and Iris, that meant messy and
drama fueled, but they were adults. They should be able to
find a balance to give Sean what she needed. She’d be sorry
if she didn’t at least try, no matter how long it took her. Like
it or not, Sean was her family now.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Sean lay back on the stack of blankets Adeline had piled in
the loft of the barn at the back of her parents’ property. She
had her arms around Adeline and was rubbing her back.
They’d spent the afternoon in their private space after she’d
heard her parents arguing again. It was ridiculous that they
could never get past that one same fight. If they’d stop and
realize what they’d done to her, they’d figure out how badly
they’d failed. The shit she’d taken for her looks was
ridiculous, and yet it’d always been about them.
“What are you going to do?” Adeline kissed the side of
her neck, and whatever she was worried about didn’t seem
so horrible.
“She gave me her number, so I’ll keep it in case I need it.
The thing was, she had no clue about me. I could see that
when I sat down. I’ve waited so long for the story, and she
was my last chance.” She moved her hands down to
Adeline’s hips when she sat up and glanced down at her.
“It’s weird that my mom was in love with her. I showed her
that picture, and she remembered it, but I was a stranger. A
stranger with her face.”
“I can’t blame your mom there, baby. Jaxon Lavigne looks
so much like you, and I think you’re hot. Your mom has good
taste, but she’s brave. Having a kid and listening to people
give her shit about it must’ve been hard.”
“My dad wasn’t thrilled—still isn’t.” She didn’t want to
talk about it any longer when Adeline kissed her. “And you
know damn well I’ve taken more shit than she has. We both
have. I’m so lucky that you didn’t do what she did and drop
me for some guy to make your life easier.”
