“Yeah, somehow. I’m just glad we did.”

  “Me too.”

  Alex kissed me. Kissing Alex was always exciting. It was like the first time over and over. I wanted more though.

  I slid my hands under her t-shirt, grabbing onto her hips as she straddled my lap. My hands slid higher and higher until I grazed underneath her breasts. She sat back suddenly.

  “I’m sorry,” I said quickly.

  “No, don’t be. I’m sorry. It’s just I meant what I said when I told you I was a virgin. I’ve never done anything before.”

  She sounded so nervous when she spoke. I caressed her cheek, looking into her green eyes. “Hey, I never have either. So, when we are ready to do anything else, it will be a first for both of us.”

  “Okay. I want to, I just want it to be perfect, for both of us.”

  “It will be. We’ll be together.”

  I wanted to feel closer to Alex, but I would have to wait until we were both ready for that.

  Chapter 19—Alex

  Emma and I were on a double date with AJ and Kyle. We both kept stealing looks at each other.

  AJ and Kyle were getting in the way. Every time one of them spoke, it reminded me why I hated this arrangement so much. I wanted to be with Emma, not AJ.

  I was with Emma. I just couldn’t be with her in public. It was like having her and not having her at the same time. It could be a major mind-fuck.

  “Ms. O’Keefe is crazy,” AJ said. “I can’t believe she assigned five chapters to read in one weekend. Doesn’t she realize we have lives?”

  “Yeah,” Kyle agreed. “School isn’t the most important thing for some of us.”

  I rolled my eyes and glared at Emma. They were so annoying. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could take listening to them. Dumb jocks. I usually hated that stereotype, but in this case, it applied.

  I was a jock, that didn’t mean I had to be an idiot too. Being a jock didn’t mean you couldn’t care about school.

  Emma looked so pretty tonight. She always looked pretty, but I loved the way she curled her hair. I wanted to reach across the table and hold her hand. But I couldn’t. Stupid AJ and Kyle. Stupid us for putting ourselves through this.

  Emma looked at and smiled sadly. I guess she could sense my unhappiness of the situation. We were so in sync. It was incredible how much we knew each other already.

  Emma rubbed her foot against my leg. I smiled at her, suppressing the laugh I felt.

  I hated this arrangement. I wanted to be on a date with Emma. Not a date with Emma, AJ, and Kyle.

  It made me want to come out sooner rather than later. Watching Emma kiss Kyle was awful. It was worse than having to kiss AJ. It felt so wrong. I was with Emma. She should be the only person I was kissing.

  I didn’t necessarily like either boy, but they didn’t deserve to be used this way. I felt so guilty for stringing them along as our covers.

  “I have to use the restroom,” Emma said. “Al, want to come with?”

  She knows I can’t contain myself when she calls me Al!

  “Sure.”

  “Hurry back,” AJ said, pecking my lips before I got up from the booth.

  Emma looked at me apologetically before heading towards the bathroom together.

  When we got into the bathroom, I couldn’t hide my displeasure. “I’m tired of this.”

  “I know,” Emma said, holding my hands in hers. “I am too. I want to be alone with you. Maybe this double date idea was a bad one.”

  “No, it’s the only way we can have a date in public.”

  I turned around and looked at myself in the mirror. I was becoming someone I didn’t even recognize anymore. I wasn’t this type of girl. I didn’t use people for my own advantage.

  “Tell me what you’re thinking,” Emma said worriedly.

  “I’m thinking that I don’t like doing this. AJ is nice. I don’t like him, but I shouldn’t be using him because I’m afraid to come out.”

  “You can’t think of it that way. Trust me, I’ve known AJ for a long time. He wouldn’t care if he knew. He’s kind of a pig.”

  “Pig or not, I hate kissing him. I want to kiss you and only you.”

  Emma pulled me into her arms. I felt so calm with her arms around me.

  “I hate kissing Kyle. Every time I do, I get sick to my stomach. I try to just picture you when I’m kissing him.”

  “That’s insulting,” I joked. “There’s no way his kisses can compare with mine.”

  She laughed, kissing me tenderly.

  I sighed in relief as we pulled away and looked into each other’s eyes.

  “Picture me when you’re kissing AJ. I promise, this is just temporary. Soon, we’ll be able to kiss only each other. It won’t matter if anyone sees.”

  I wanted to believe her. But I had this nagging feeling that we would always be hiding what we felt for each other. I kept thinking the same dreadful thought. That I would never truly have Emma.

  Chapter 20—Emma

  Alex and I decided to go to my house after swim practice. It was Wednesday. That meant Mom would be at church for the evening and Dad would be at work, where he usually stayed. Although, I can’t be sure if he was actually working or if Mom was right and he was having an affair again.

  “You don’t go to church with your Mom?” Alex asked, closing her textbook and sitting back on the couch.

  “Not usually. I’m more of a Christmas and Easter kind of church goer.”

  “Hey, it’s more than I go. Mom’s not very religious. But, she is spiritual.” She emphasized the last part comically.

  “I always wonder what that means when people say that. Isn’t it the same thing?”

  “No way,” Alex insisted. “Religion is structured. There are rules you have to follow and if you don’t follow them, you go to hell. Spiritual people are more lenient. They don’t think every terrible thing you do means you’re going straight to hell when you die.”

  I was raised in a Christian home. My parents weren’t exactly the model Christians, but I knew they believed everything the church preached. According to them, being gay was a sin. An “alternative lifestyle” that didn’t express family values.

  What a load of shit? So, because I liked Alex I didn’t express family values? What did that even mean? That I came from a broken home and I wanted to continue to have a broken home? I valued my family. They just didn’t value me.

  “What are you then?” I asked.

  “Me? I guess I’d be spiritual too. Definitely not religious. What about you?”

  “I was raised religious. I’m not into going to church though. It’s so boring and I feel like everything they say is hateful towards someone in some way.”

  “Like the gays?” Alex asked, smiling at me.

  “Yes,” I giggled.

  “That’s why I don’t like religion,” Alex said, putting her arm around me. She kissed the side of my forehead, leaning her head on top of mine. “How can what we feel for each other be considered wrong? Liking you doesn’t make me a horrible person.”

  “It’s not wrong. What we feel for each other, it’s not wrong!”

  If I didn’t think it was wrong, then why was I forcing her to continue dating AJ? Why couldn’t I just come out and not care what other people thought of us?

  Chapter 21—Alex

  Emma was hanging out with Katie and Kris this weekend. I missed her, but I knew it was important for her to still see her friends. She offered for me to come with, but I didn’t want to impose on her time with her friends. Katie and Kris were okay. We got along, but I wouldn’t call us friends. Not yet anyway.

  That left me here, alone, on a Saturday catching up on homework. I usually did my homework with Emma, but we were proving to be a distraction for each other.

  It was hard working on homework when I only had so much alone time with Emma. This whole arrangement was really starting to get to me. I wanted to be free to like Emma in front of anyone. It made me want to come out so badly.

  “Hey,” Mom said, coming into the kitchen. “What are you doing here?”

  I looked at Mom in confusion. “I live here?”

  Mom laughed. “Of course, you do, I just meant that you usually hang out with Emma or AJ on Saturday.”

  I looked down at my textbook. “Not today. Emma is hanging out with Katie and Kris. That’s not exactly my idea of a good time.”

  “Oh.”

  Mom had that look on her face. The look she had when she was trying to piece something together.

  “What about AJ?” she continued. “How are things going with him?”

  “Fine. He’s probably hanging out with Kyle and Jeff today.”

  “Are you two still dating?”

  “Yes. But, that doesn’t mean we have to spend every minute together.”

  “No, of course not. But, you don’t seem to spend any minutes together. You’ve gone on a couple dates and most of those dates are doubled with Emma and Kyle.”

  I wasn’t sure what my mother was getting at exactly. I didn’t like being asked questions about AJ or Emma though.

  “Yeah, we all hang out together.”

  “You just seem to be more interested in spending time with Emma, than AJ,” Mom said gently.

  She knows! She has to know! Otherwise, why compare the two? Did she see us? How could she possibly know?

  “We just have a lot in common. We both love swimming. Plus, her parents are constantly fighting, so I’ve been helping her deal.”

  “That’s nice of you,” Mom said. “Listen, I just want to make sure you know that you can tell me anything. You know that, right?”

  I couldn’t take the way Mom was looking at me anymore. She looked like she was so ready to listen. I wasn’t ready to tell her yet. A huge part of me wanted to though.

  “Yeah, I know,” I said. I looked back down at my work, determined to make her drop the conversation.

  “Okay, so long as you know,” Mom smiled. “Now, I’m going to the grocery store with Chloe. Any special requests?”

  “No, thanks. I’m good.”

  “Alright, I love you Alex.”

  “I love you too Mom.”

  Maybe Mom would understand. She had never been the least bit homophobic. I knew I could trust her with this. But, coming out was a big step. A step I wasn’t sure I was ready for just yet.

  Chapter 22—Emma

  My parents were out of town for the weekend. They were on some couples retreat that the church was hosting. In my opinion, it was their attempt at putting a Band-Aid on the problem that had become their marriage. The only problem was, there was no Band-Aid big enough to fix their problems.

  I decided to invite Alex over to spend the night. I had to spend the entire day away from her. The whole time that I was with Katie and Kris, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I wanted to be with her as much as I could.

  How crazy was that? One day away from her and I felt like it had been months since I had seen her. I think I was falling in love with Alex. I hadn’t been in love before, but I imagined this is what it felt like. The aching feeling that I had when I was away from Alex. The aching feeling that I had when I was with Alex. Overall, love was proving to be quite painful, but in the best way possible.

  “How was hanging out with Katie and Kris?” Alex asked, looking at me when I came back into the living room with the pizza that we had delivered.

  “It was okay,” I shrugged. “I missed you though.”

  “I missed you too. You should still hang out with your friends though.”

  I placed the pizza on the coffee table and opened the box, giving her a slice first. “Yeah, you’re right. You can hang out with us too though.”

  “I know, and I will sometimes. I guess I just feel like I’m stealing you away from your best friend. I don’t want to do that to Katie.”

  “Aww, how thoughtful.”

  “I try,” Alex said, taking a bite of her pizza. The cheese wouldn’t break and when it finally did, it fell onto Alex’s chin.

  I laughed as I helped her get the cheese from her chin into her mouth. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

  “I wouldn’t go that far,” Alex said.

  “No, seriously. You’ve been the best girlfriend and the best friend I could ask for. You listen to me whenever I need to ramble about my crazy parents. Even Katie doesn’t do that.”

  “I get what it’s like to have parents that are arguing. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I hate that you’re going through it.”

  I smiled sadly at her. I didn’t know what I would do if I didn’t have Alex by my side. I probably would have lost it by now with how much Mom and Dad kept going at each other. “Sometimes I wish they would just get divorced already.”

  “I know. In the meantime, you have me no matter what. I’m always here to listen and you can spend the night at my house whenever you need to.”

  I gazed into her eyes and I couldn’t think of any reason not to say exactly what was on my mind in that moment. “I love you.”

  Alex looked at me with an adorable wide-eyed expression. Slowly, a smile appeared on her face. “I love you too.”

  With those words, I plunged forward and pressed my lips against hers. Her hands traveled to my hips, pulling me as close to her as possible.

  I pulled back and looked into her eyes. “Why don’t we go to my bedroom?”

  She bit her lower lip nervously. Something that made me weak at the knees. She nodded her head. “Okay.”

  I had no idea what I was doing. Neither did she. That was the beauty of it though. We were taking this huge step together.

  I kissed every inch of her body, going slow, memorizing every part of Alex.

  I finally understood what Katie and Kris were talking about. Having sex with Alex was magical.

  It meant so much more knowing that she loved me, and I loved her.

  Chapter 23—Alex

  I agreed to go on a date with AJ. Mom was right. I wasn’t spending enough time with him and if I wanted to continue pretending to date him, we had to actually date.

  We switched it up for once and went out for sushi. All I could think about was how much Emma would like this place.

  I wished I was with her, not AJ.

  “Want to catch a movie after this?” AJ asked.

  “I don’t know. I have a lot of homework I need to get done.”

  “Come on, it’s like an hour and a half.”

  The truth was I wanted to meet up with Emma before I headed home. Ever since we had sex, we couldn’t get enough of each other.

  “Sure,” I gave in. “I guess an hour and a half is doable.”

  “Gee, thanks,” AJ said, smiling.

  I hoped that he was joking. I felt like a terrible person. What we were doing to AJ and Kyle was wrong. Not only was it wrong for Emma and me to have to hide how we feel about each other, but it was unfair to drag the boys into it.

  “Hey, I actually wanted to talk to you about something,” AJ said quietly.

  Oh, no. Maybe he knows something is up. Hey, that could be a good thing. Maybe he’ll end things and I won’t have to feel bad anymore.

  “Okay, what is it?”

  “Well, we’ve been dating for three months now.”

  Wow, I couldn’t believe it had been that long. Time really flew when you were falling in love and pretend dating someone at the same time.

  “Yeah.”

  “So, I was just wondering what your thoughts were about sex?”

  My mouth went dry. I didn’t know how to respond. Sex? He wanted to have sex? What am I talking about? Of course, he wanted to have sex. He was a teenage boy. It was amazing that he actually waited three months to ask.

  “With me, that is?” AJ joked.

  “Right, um I don’t know. I—I haven’t really thought about it.”

  That was the truth. It completely slipped my mind that AJ would eventually want more out of this fake relationship. I didn’t know why I didn’t think about it before. I guess I was just so consumed with my relationship with Emma that nothing else seemed to matter.

  “I don’t want to put any pressure on you and you don’t have to answer now, but maybe think about it? We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

  Well, yeah obviously.

  The thought of having sex with anyone but Emma didn’t seem feasible. It just wasn’t something I could imagine doing.

  Being with Emma was so exciting. It was indescribable. I didn’t want to explore that with anyone else.

  “Yeah, I’ll think about it.”

  AJ smiled, eating his sushi.

  I needed to talk to Emma. We had to put a stop to this. Things were getting out of hand. I didn’t want to kiss AJ, let alone have sex with him. I wouldn’t have sex with AJ.

  We had to come out.

  Chapter 24—Emma

  “Hey, what happened last night?” I asked. “I thought you were going to come by afterwards.”

  “We have to talk,” Alex said seriously.

  “Okay.”

  Alex was starting to scare me. She seemed upset about something. I was afraid she wanted to end things between us.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t come over last night,” Alex said. “AJ wanted to see a movie and then I had to get home before curfew.”

  “That’s okay. Just tell me what’s going on.”

  Alex got closer to me, looking around the hall to make sure no one was close enough to be listening. “AJ wants to have sex.”

  The thought of Alex and AJ having sex made me angry. I didn’t want AJ touching her in the places where only I had touched her. That was something special that we shared together after we said I love you. We didn’t just have sex. We made love.

  “Did he try to?”

  “No,” Alex said quickly. “He just asked about it at dinner. He wants me to think about it. Em, I can’t have sex with AJ. I don’t want to have sex with anyone but you.”

 

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