The truth was, I wasn’t sure who I was attracted to yet. I thought boys were hot, but I didn’t get that head over heels feeling that most girls seemed to get. I told myself that it was because I was picky, and I just hadn’t found the right one yet. But, deep down I knew what it was. I was just too afraid to admit it.

  The bell rang. Everyone cleared out as fast as possible. Lunch was next, and the lines got long quickly.

  When Emma went to pick up her backpack, she dropped it back onto the floor, causing all of her belongings to spill out onto the floor.

  I told myself to keep walking. Go to lunch. You’re hungry and you’re going to end up being the last person in line and having five minutes to scarf your food down.

  But I couldn’t. I had to help her pick up her stuff.

  “You don’t have to do that,” Emma said, not bothering to look at me.

  “It’s fine.”

  “No, really, just go.”

  “Emma, it’s no big deal.”

  She sighed, giving in. “Thanks.”

  “No worries.”

  Emma smelled so nice. Like a mix of flowers and vanilla. I wanted to ask her what it was, but we weren’t friends. We barely even acknowledged each other, even at swim practice.

  I stopped when I noticed a book I recognized. It had two girls on the cover, kissing. It was a lesbian book. What was Emma doing with a lesbian book?

  I picked it up to hand it to her, but she snatched it away quickly.

  “Uh, sorry.”

  Emma looked at me with such panic I thought she was going to break down in tears. She shoved the book and the last of her belongings into her bag and stood up.

  “Thanks again,” she said before rushing out of the classroom.

  What the hell just happened?

  Emma couldn’t be a lesbian. I mean she didn’t seem like a lesbian. There’s really no way to tell for sure. That must be so annoying, trying to find another person that’s a lesbian and having no way to know for sure. I guess that’s what gay bars were for.

  The petrified look on her face was heartbreaking. Did she think I was so terrible that I would tell anyone about it?

  Little did she know, I felt the same fear. The fear that the other girls in the locker room would think I was looking at them the wrong way. The fear that one day someone would call me a ‘dyke’. God, I hated that word. Everything about it screamed hate.

  It looked like Emma and I were more similar than I thought.

  Chapter 8—Emma

  Dammit! I told her to just go! I could pick up my own shit! Of all the times she chose to be nice to me it had to be today?

  I didn’t want her to see that damn book! I knew I shouldn’t have bought it. I should have at least been smart enough not to bring it to school with me.

  What if she tells someone? What if she tells her mom? Can she tell my parents?

  Stop! Get a hold of yourself! You’re being paranoid right now.

  I didn’t need anyone to know that I was questioning who I was. That was my business. No one needed to know that about me. I might not be normal on the inside, but no one on the outside needed to know that.

  I needed to swim. I needed to get my mind off of what happened today. Tryouts were over, so now practice was three days a week. Unfortunately, today wasn’t one of those days. Or maybe it was fortunate. I wasn’t ready to face Alex.

  When I walked into the locker room, the exact person I didn’t want to see was getting changed.

  Ugh, she was in her bra and panties. What did I do to deserve this? I must have been a seriously messed up person in one of my past lives, because there’s no way I’ve done anything in this lifetime to deserve this.

  As Alex turned toward me, I looked away quickly.

  Great, now she thinks I’m a perverted lesbian that was just checking her out. This was exactly why I didn’t want anyone to know about me.

  I went to my locker, trying like hell to not look at Alex. This was the most awkward situations I’d ever been in. I should just leave now. Forget about swimming.

  “Hey,” Alex said, walking by me. She had shorts and a t-shirt on. She was probably going for a jog. I noticed she did that a lot. Of course, she did. It wasn’t enough that she was about to be the best swimmer on the team. She was going for track too apparently.

  “Hey,” I managed to get out. “Wait!”

  She stopped, turning back to look at me. “Yeah?”

  She was acting nonchalantly. I was struggling over here, and she was acting like it was no big deal. It wasn’t, at least not to her.

  “About earlier, please don’t say anything to anyone about what you saw.”

  Alex stared at me like she had no idea what I was talking about. Seriously?

  “What did I see?”

  That was it. She knew what she saw, and she knew what I was talking about. “Stop playing dumb.”

  Alex put her hands on her hips and smirked at me. She looked so hot when she did that. What was worse is that she was the type of girl that was hot but didn’t act like it. That made her even hotter.

  “Did you really just call me dumb, Kenner?”

  I couldn’t let her cute mannerisms distract me. This wasn’t a game.

  “Alex! I’m serious!”

  “Emma, even if I did see anything, I don’t have anyone to tell. I don’t exactly have many friends yet. And even if I did have friends to tell, I would never do that.”

  The serious look on her face told me that Alex was telling the truth. She spoke with such conviction.

  “I might be a bitch, but I’m not heartless.”

  She smiled at me before walking out of the locker room.

  Maybe Alex wasn’t such a bitch after all. She did have some likable qualities. Not much, but some.

  Chapter 9—Alex

  After I finished five miles on the track, I headed back into the locker room to get changed.

  The conversation with Emma was still on replay in my head. I couldn’t help but feel sad for her. I knew what it was like to feel like you have to hide who you are from the world.

  I wasn’t necessarily sure who I was, but I knew I felt things that were different from other kids in school.

  When I got into the locker room, Emma was there. Crying.

  I had to fight the urge to walk up and embrace her in a tight hug. One nice conversation didn’t make us best friends and I didn’t want to risk ruining the little bit of progress we made towards being civil with each other.

  I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t the best when it came to other people showing emotions. I tried to avoid emotions altogether.

  I finally stopped standing there awkwardly and approached her carefully. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

  Emma looked startled by my presence. She must not have heard me come in.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  “No, I’m sorry,” Emma apologized tearfully. “I didn’t know anyone else was in here.”

  “Are you okay?”

  Seeing Emma cry made me want to cry. This was exactly why I didn’t like dealing with other people’s emotions. It made me feel emotional and I hated feeling emotional.

  “I’m fine, it’s nothing.”

  I smiled sadly at her. “It can’t be nothing if you’re crying over it.”

  Glassy blue eyes looked into mine. She looked like she was contemplating telling me what it was but wasn’t sure if she could trust me.

  “I just have a lot going on right now,” she said. “Sometimes it’s overwhelming.”

  “Is this about the book I didn’t see earlier?” I asked with a smirk.

  That got a smile from her, which made me smile proudly. Her smile was beautiful. It was impossible not to smile back and knowing I was the reason she was smiling was even better.

  Emma sniffled, wiping away some of her tears. “I’m not gay.”

  “I never said you were.”

  “I’m not. Honest, I just liked the book. I heard it was sweet. I like to read new things.”

  I nodded my head. “Sure. Makes sense.”

  I sat down next to her on the bench, careful to keep a little distance between us. “Then what’s bothering you?” I asked.

  For some reason I couldn’t leave without making sure she knew I would be there to listen if she wanted me to be. Maybe it was because she was crying. Or maybe it was because she seemed to be on my mind all the time. Whatever it was, I wanted to be there for her.

  “I’m stressed about school. I have to do well this year and try to get a swimming scholarship. Or at least an academic scholarship if I want to get out of here. I need to go away for college. I have to get away from home.”

  I knew all too well what it was like to have a crappy home life. “Is home not so great?”

  “My parents hate each other. Though they won’t admit it. It’s just not a happy house. Anyway, that’s not a big deal. I just want to get away from their drama.”

  “I’m sorry about your parents. But, you’re a great swimmer so I don’t think you have anything to worry about. You’re almost better than me.”

  She laughed and looked at me for the first time with genuine happiness. “You wish Blake.”

  Yeah, I wished a lot of things in that moment.

  “Jokes aside, I’m sure you are going to get into a good school and get a scholarship. You can’t think that it’s going to be the end of the world if you don’t. You have to relax, or you’ll drive yourself crazy over nothing.”

  “Easier said than done,” she said seriously.

  “No, I get it. That’s saying a lot coming from me. I’m usually the first to stress myself out. Even my mom calls me a rigid uptight bitch.”

  Emma burst out laughing. “Did she really call you that?”

  “Not the bitch part, but I’m sure she’s thought it, more than once.”

  She smiled at me, wiping away the last of her tears. “I don’t know. You don’t seem like that much of a bitch to me.”

  “You don’t know me.”

  “I know you enough,” she smiled.

  I gazed into her eyes, neither of us saying anything. When we were looking at each other for too long, I cleared my throat. “I should get going. We’ve got a shit load of homework tonight.”

  “Yeah, don’t remind me.”

  “Are you going to be okay?”

  “Yeah, thanks. Talking about it really helped.”

  “Anytime,” I said. I could deal with Emma’s emotions anytime. Part of me even wanted to.

  I got up and started walking away but turned around. “By the way, the book is sweet. Great ending!”

  Chapter 10—Emma

  Me and the twins decided to go out for pizza with Jeff and Kyle. The five of us had been friends since preschool. Kris liked Jeff, or maybe it was Kyle. It was hard to keep up with all the guys Kris liked.

  Katie and Kris couldn’t be more different. Katie was trying to find a boyfriend, Kris was trying to have five. I tried to stay out of that.

  I yawned as they went on about some party they were throwing. The late nights were starting to catch up with me. Between school work and my parents fighting, I was getting less and less hours of sleep each night.

  “Someone needs a nap,” Katie commented.

  “Yeah, classes are kicking my ass.”

  “That’s what you get for taking three AP classes in one semester,” Jeff said.

  “Sorry, we’re not all slackers like you,” I smiled smugly.

  “Excuse me! I’m not a slacker. I just don’t bite off more than I can chew.”

  Jeff was the definition of a slacker. He did the bare minimum required of him to pass. He got by. It must be nice.

  “Uh, oh,” Katie said. “Look who’s here.”

  Alex and AJ walked in—together. Were they together? I didn’t even know they were friends. I guess they did talk a lot in English and study hall, but it had only been a couple weeks since school started. They couldn’t be dating. Could they?

  I don’t know why I even cared. What did it matter if Alex liked AJ? She could date anyone she wanted.

  “AJ!” Kyle hollered.

  No! Why is he calling him over? She’s going to come too!

  I couldn’t think straight when Alex was around. I didn’t need my friends to know what a spaz I became when she was around.

  “Hey, what’s up guys,” AJ smiled.

  AJ was nice. He was dumb, but he was nice. He would be good for Alex. I guess she liked her guys dumb.

  Stop it! You sound like a jealous sociopath.

  “Hey, Alex, right?” Kyle asked.

  “Yeah.” She stole a glance at me, smiling. I smiled back awkwardly. I needed to get a hold of myself. Just act normal, or at least as normal as possible.

  “You guys should sit with us,” Kyle said.

  “Is that cool with you?” AJ asked Alex.

  “Sure.”

  Great. Just what I needed. Eat pizza with the girl I was pretty sure I had a crush on and the guy she’s dating. Sounds like the best night.

  “So, how was the movie?” Jeff asked in a feminine voice. “I want to hear all about it.”

  Jeff was always the class clown. It was something I usually liked about him, now it was kind of pissing me off.

  I kept zoning in and out of the conversation. I was tired, and I didn’t want to be there. Every time I looked at Alex, she would smile at me. God, she was making it impossible not to look at her. She was perfect.

  “I met your mom officially today,” Kyle said. “She’s mean.”

  “She can be,” Alex laughed.

  “All I did was skip study hall. That’s not a crime.”

  “You skipped study hall five times and school started three weeks ago,” Kris said.

  “That’s not the point,” Kyle said. “It must suck having your mom be the principal.”

  “Not really,” Alex shrugged. “I always get the best grades for a reason.”

  I could tell that was a joke, the others didn’t seem to catch on. My friends could be so clueless sometimes.

  “That was a joke,” Alex said.

  “Funny,” Kyle said. “She’s funny AJ. Don’t screw this one up!”

  “Trust me, I don’t plan on it,” AJ said, putting his arm around Alex.

  Alex looked uncomfortable, but she didn’t push him off her. Maybe she was just being nice. Maybe she didn’t even like AJ. She kept looking at me with a look I couldn’t really place.

  Being around Alex made my stomach feel uncontrollable. Not in a bad way. I think it was butterflies. I always heard about them, but I never felt them. Not until I met Alex.

  Everyone kept talking. I couldn’t pay attention anymore. Not with AJ’s arm around Alex. That was the only thing I could think about.

  It bothered me. Why did it bother me so much? Alex wasn’t mine and she never could be.

  Chapter 11—Alex

  When I got home, Mom was in the living room reading. She smiled at me expectantly.

  I knew she would be waiting to hear how it went. The second I told her I was going on a date with AJ, she started trying to help me pick out what I was going to wear. She really wanted me to get a boyfriend for some reason. It was annoying.

  “So, how was it?”

  “It was fine.”

  “That’s it? That’s all I get? Fine?”

  “It was a first date. We went to the movie and then we went to get pizza. We ended up eating with some other kids from school. By the way, Kyle thinks your mean.”

  “Kyle had it coming. Tell him to go to study hall and we won’t have any more problems.”

  I grinned, going to the kitchen to grab a water bottle. She followed me.

  “So, tell me more.”

  “There’s nothing more to tell.”

  “Did you guys kiss?”

  “Mom!” I exclaimed, horrified at the prospect of talking about this with her.

  “Come on, I’m living vicariously through you. Give me details.”

  “Mom, we just hung out. We’re probably going to hang out again next Friday again, if that’s okay.”

  “Of course, it is.”

  “Alright, well I’m going to go to bed.”

  “Okay, good night. I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about Emma. She looked so pretty tonight. I could tell me being there was making her uncomfortable. I wished it didn’t.

  The whole night, the only person I cared about was Emma. AJ kept putting his damn arm around me and I didn’t want to embarrass him by shoving him off me, but that’s the urge I had all night.

  I hated going out with AJ. He seemed nice, but I knew he wanted to be more than friends and I couldn’t see that happening. The thought of kissing him didn’t excite me. I think that was a big enough sign that I didn’t like him.

  One good thing happened tonight. We all exchanged phone numbers. That included Emma’s.

  I had Emma’s phone number in my phone and she had mine. I hoped she might text me tonight, but so far, I got nothing.

  Maybe I should text her. We were cool with each other. Why not?

  It was almost eleven, maybe she was sleeping. Or maybe not. If she was sleeping she just wouldn’t respond.

  I pulled my phone from the charger on my night stand and opened a new message to Emma. I stared at the phone for a moment, trying to figure out what to say.

  Alex: Hey

  That was easier than I thought. I was overthinking this. Emma’s just a girl. There was no reason to be nervous about texting her. Well, there was the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about her amazing blue eyes, her shiny brown hair, her smile…

  Emma: Hey!

  OMG! She used an exclamation point! That meant she was excited to hear from me, right? Yeah, that’s what that meant.

  Alex: What’s up?

  Emma: Nothing, just got home. About to watch some TV before bed.

  Alex: Same

  What did I say next? I was never very good at holding a conversation. I wanted to keep talking to Emma though.

  Alex: What are you watching?

  Emma: I’d rather not say.

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8