Firecracker, page 11
‘What do you wish?’ I asked, when she didn’t continue.
She sighed. ‘It’s pointless.’
‘No, go on…’
‘I just wish a was a normal girl, with normal parents. I wish I could date who I want, when I want. If that’s a girl, so be it…’
‘I’m a normal girl, Dax, and I’m not allowed to date another girl,’ I commented.
She looked at me then. ‘I suppose that’s true.’
I felt the weight of our situation pressing heavily on my shoulders. ‘This isn’t really a good idea, is it? You and me,’ I murmured, realising that whatever there was between us was unlikely to become more.
She scanned my eyes, her gaze intent on mine. ‘Don’t say that,’ she murmured. ‘We’ve barely just met.’
‘I know, but this thing which exists between us-it’s intense. Maybe we should back off before this gets complicated.’
‘It’s already complicated, Fiya. I’ve never met anyone like you before. I’ve never wanted to be with someone as much as I want to be with you!’
‘Exactly,’ I sighed. ‘That isn’t good, Dax. Why start up something when there’s no chance of it ever leading anywhere? If it became more, we’d both end up heartbroken,’ I told her.
‘What are you saying?’ she said, very quietly, her eyes intent on mine.
‘I’m saying I’m rethinking this, Dax. I’ve enjoyed being with you today, but maybe we should literally stop this before it starts. I mean, we’ve become involved incredibly quickly. Maybe too quickly.’
‘You’re finishing this with me? Now?’ she questioned.
I sighed, shaking my head. ‘I have a bad feeling, Dax. I really like you-but you’ve said it yourself-we can never be together. Your parents wouldn’t allow it, and neither would my mother. It’s not expected of us. We’re destined for other things.’
She scanned my eyes, and hers were full of regret. ‘I just wanted to watch a film with you, Fiya.’
I shook my head, swallowing hard against the emotion in my throat. ‘No, you didn’t. If we watch a film, we end up on your bed. What comes next? Cuddling, kissing? Even more after earlier? What next? Your parents find out and become furious? They order you never to see me again? My mother finds out and tells me I’m a disgrace and I’ve let her down? I can see how it all would play out, Dax. It’s not worth it…let’s just stop now before we let our feelings get involved.’
‘My feelings are already involved!’ she exclaimed. ‘They have been since the moment I met you.’
I hardened my heart. ‘Well; shelve them,’ I told her, bluntly. ‘There is no positive ending for this, is there?’ I questioned.
Her eyes wavered, as they bore into mine. ‘Ultimately, no…but in the meantime…’
‘In the meantime?’ I interrupted her. ‘No, Dax! Think! If we carry on, I know I’ll become emotionally invested in this. It felt too good to be with you, you see. At some point, you’d finish it, because it’s a forbidden love. I’d rather end this now than further down the line when I’m going to be even more heartbroken.’
‘So that’s it?’ she asked, her expression going cold.
‘I’m not saying that’s it, but we need to stop this, I think. It’s for the best.’
‘And how do I shut off the feelings I have for you, every time I’m around you?’ she asked.
‘I don’t know,’ I said, honestly. ‘But at least it’s easier now rather than sometime in the future, when you’ve been so, damn amazing that I find myself falling for you.’
‘What if I told you I’ve already fallen for you, Fiya?’ she said, very quietly, her eyes intense as they held mine.
I gaped at her, utterly stunned. ‘I…’
‘Don’t tell me it’s ridiculous, don’t tell me it can’t have happened so soon…I have very intense feelings, Fiya. Please don’t do this…’
I took a step back, feeling the weight of the world pressing down on my shoulders. ‘I think I want to go home,’ I said, regretfully.
‘Fiya, please…’ she said, reaching out for me.
‘No, Dax. If you let yourself think clearly, without becoming emotional, you’ll realise I’m right. Please drive me home. This wasn’t a good idea.’
‘You’re serious?’ she questioned.
I nodded. ‘Deadly. Please take me home.’
She looked frustrated, unhappy and annoyed. ‘Fine,’ she said, deflated. ‘But you know something, Fiya? You’re breaking my heart.’
I bit my lip, feeling the quivering in the pit of my stomach. ‘Better now than later.’
‘How can you say that?’ she exclaimed, looking upset.
‘Please take me home,’ I said, stepping back. Walking over to the door, I waited for her. ‘Please,’ I said again.
‘Fine,’ she muttered, angrily. ‘But this is one hell of a fucking mistake.’
Dax led me back down the staircase and out to her car. On the drive back to mine, we sat in silence, both lost in thought. A lot of regret flooded my system, but I couldn’t let that sway me. I realised now that becoming involved with Dax would be fruitless. It could also bring a lot of pain, distress and unhappiness to those around us.
When she pulled up in front of my house, I looked over at her with sadness flooding through me.
‘Thank you,’ I said, quietly. ‘And I’m sorry to end this like this,’ I murmured.
‘Just go,’ she muttered, without looking at me.
‘Dax…’ I tried.
‘You’ve made your decision, so leave,’ she said, coldly.
I sighed, supposing it was easier to be mad at me than to long for me. ‘I’m sorry if I hurt you, Dax.’
‘If?’ she exclaimed. ‘Just go,’ she said, turning away from me.
‘I’m sorry,’ I repeated, and then reached for the door handle and left. Hurrying up the drive, I let myself into the house before hurrying upstairs. Slumping on my bed, I cried.
Sometime later, I pulled myself together and went to the bathroom to put some make-up on to hide the fact I’d been crying. My mother had clearly been out again, but I heard her return and noise from downstairs.
Checking my reflection, I decided it wasn’t obvious I’d been upset, so headed downstairs.
‘Hey Mum!’ I called out.
‘Fiya?’ she said, frowning as she stuck her head around the door. ‘I thought you’d gone out with the Princess?’
‘I did,’ I murmured, walking past her, ‘But she dropped me back because she’s got a lot on this afternoon and some royal engagement tomorrow too. I think she’s pretty busy.’
My mother frowned at me. ‘She wanted to take you out for the afternoon though…I thought you’d be gone longer.’
‘Well, so did I, but her Mum was pretty strict with her-telling her she needed to get everything done so I said I’d come home.’
‘Probably sensible. She must have so many commitments,’ my mother mused. ‘How exciting that you get to be friends with a princess!’ she gushed. ‘If only it were the prince, then you could have royal prospects for marriage.’
I scoffed. ‘I don’t think so, Mum!’
‘Don’t be so dismissive of yourself, Fiya-and set your sights high, for goodness sake! I’ve told you; I want you to do better than I ever did.’
I sighed. ‘I rather just be happy,’ I murmured.
‘Fiya! Happiness would come from marrying well-and into affluence! You don’t want to live like this all your life!’ she said, gesturing around to our humble home.
I sighed. ‘There’s nothing wrong with our house,’ I told her. ‘And money doesn’t buy happiness, you know.’
‘Maybe not,’ she mused, ‘But it makes life a lot easier-and comfortable if you have enough money coming in each month.’
I shook my head, knowing she wouldn’t accept my argument even if I tried. ‘I’m going to go and get some work done,’ I said, grabbing an apple from the bowl.
‘Okay, love. I’m going to get the laundry done and then I have my shift from four till ten,’ she told me.
My mother waitressed every Saturday. It was the third job she held, and I always felt bad, seeing her leave to do more work when she was tired. ‘Hopefully you can hand your notice in if you get the job at the palace,’ I mused.
‘I’m praying I can,’ she admitted, somewhat wearily.
‘I’m sure it’ll happen. I’ll think good thoughts about it, Mum,’ I told her.
‘Thank you, Fiya. Now, go and get your work done, then you can relax for the evening.’
‘Yes Mum,’ I nodded, and then trudged up the stairs. She wasn’t the only one feeling weary today, but it was for completely different reasons.
Chapter 7
Up in my room, I completed my assigned work in an hour and then found myself restless and unsettled. Pacing my room, I realised I could scent Dax and her presence in my room. I felt shaken by the loss of her from my life, even though she’d only just entered it.
Slumping onto my bed, I lay there and thought about Dax for some time, stunned by the affect she’d had on me in the short time I’d known her. I’d gone from not being able to bear her presence to a short, heady and passionate fling-which had lasted for no time at all. I stared at the ceiling, wondering if I’d made a mistake. The way I felt around Dax was what I’d been hoping to feel for such a long time-and now I was turning my back on it. Reminding myself it was a hopeless cause, I turned onto my stomach and groaned into the pillow. Losing myself in grief over what might have been, I cried, mulled and mused on the events of the past few days, driving myself crazy.
When my mother left for her shift, I waved her off and then went to the phone. Calling Avi, I knew she would always be there for advice.
‘Hey Fiya, what’s up?’ she said, brightly.
‘Hi Avi…have you got time to talk?’ I asked, going over to sit down on the sofa.
‘Yeah, of course. What’s going on?’ she questioned, sounding cheerful.
‘I need some advice…about Dax…’ I added.
‘Oh my God, I knew it! I absolutely knew it!’ she exclaimed. ‘There’s something going on with you two, isn’t there! I could tell you were being weird…come on, out with it! Tell me everything.’
I groaned, whole-heartedly. ‘I wouldn’t know where to start,’ I complained.
‘Oh, for goodness sake, just tell me everything…from start to finish. Come on! This, I need to hear!’
I sighed. ‘Okay; well, it started at the party…you know, when we had to go in that closet…’ I began.
She gasped. ‘I knew it! Did you kiss?’ she asked, excitedly.
‘Well, yeah…and then again outside afterwards…and, uh…well even more since…’ I said, somewhat awkwardly.
‘Fiya Kaira! You’re a dark horse! I never even knew you liked women!’ she exclaimed.
‘I don’t, usually,’ I said, feeling embarrassed. ‘I mean, I’ve never liked anyone in this way. Dax is the only person I’ve ever had this kind of attraction to,’ I admitted.
‘Oh my God! So, when you say even more…what are talking about here?’ she wanted to know.
I sighed. ‘She came to my house this morning to drop off my jacket which I’d left in her car. She stayed and Mum went out…we kind of…well, we kind of…’
‘What?’ she exclaimed, wanting to know.
‘Well, uh…we made out some more and then…kind of…touched and stuff…’ I said, evasively.
‘Touched and stuff?’ Avi cried. ‘Details, Avi! I need the details! What are you saying?’ she asked, desperately. ‘This is so exciting!’
‘I know,’ I sighed. ‘Well, was before you hear how the day ended…’ I muttered.
‘Hang on, hang on…you’re in bed and kissing, that’s as far as we’ve got. What did you do with her, Fiya?’ she asked, incredulously.
‘Well,’ I said, drawling out the word. ‘She, uh…touched me-with her hand,’ I told her, ‘And then it got a bit more passionate and…well then with her mouth,’ I said, blushing furiously as I spoke on the phone. ‘And then I, uh…. did the same to her,’ I admitted, not quite believing how far I had let it go with her.
‘Oh…my…God!’ Avi exclaimed. ‘Are you serious? You’re not messing with me, right? Fiya! Oh my God!’ she continued, like this was the best gossip she’d ever heard.
‘But then we went out and had a wonderful time. I found myself enjoying her company and loving every minute of it,’ I told her.
‘That’s a good thing, right?’
‘No!’ I cried, ‘It’s not,’ I said, sadly. ‘We went to her mansion house, and I met her mother. She’s worse than mine and Dax admitted that she’d never be allowed to be with another woman and that this thing between us wouldn’t ever be able to go anywhere because of the expectations of how she lives her life. I realised it’s the same for me and I had this crisis! I told her that we couldn’t do this and had to end it. She argued but then drove me home. Now, she’s upset with me, and I don’t know what to do,’ I said, rambling but uncaring. I just needed to get it all out.
‘Oh, Fiya,’ Avi consoled. ‘You’re young, honey. You don’t need to be thinking about all that serious stuff just yet. Sure, maybe those expectations are in place for the future but live a little while you’re young and free. Neither of our parents have to know, if you’re careful.’
‘What are you saying?’ I questioned, confused.
‘I’m saying, you like her, right?’
I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me. ‘I really do…’
‘And she likes you?’
‘Well, yeah…she did, anyway. I’m not sure about now.’
‘You want my advice?’ she asked.
‘I really do. What would you do?’
‘I’d advise you to see her quietly, Fiya. You both come from difficult backgrounds-for different reasons-and that’s not going to make things easy. Be that as it may, you’re not ready to settle down yet, right?’
‘Absolutely not!’
‘So, see this as a chance to explore!’ she exclaimed. ‘We’ll all be tied to a ball and chain at some point so you might as well enjoy your freedom while you’re young, honey. Does it feel good to be with her?’
I sighed, ‘It feels amazing.’
‘So, enjoy it, Fiya. It’s not like you get to enjoy much with your mother dictating your every move. After college it’ll be University and after that it’ll be the expectation of being claimed by a male. Then it’ll be cubs. You need to grasp this chance for happiness while it’s on offer.’
‘But she’s so amazing, Avi. I’ll just fall in love with her and have my heart broken if I do what you suggest.’
‘Maybe you will,’ she replied, softly. ‘But they always say it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.’
‘You think that’s true?’ I questioned.
‘I really do,’ she told me, kindly.
I sighed again, heavily. ‘I’ve upset her, Avi. She won’t want to talk to me.’
‘Look; maybe have the weekend to cool off from all of this and then approach her on Monday. Apologise for what you said and just suggest you take things as they come. Explain what you were scared of, and I’m sure she’ll understand.’
‘Yeah,’ I murmured, thoughtfully. ‘Thanks, Avi. You’re literally the best friend I could ask for.’
‘Hey, that’s what I’m for! I’m still in shock though, Fiya! You’ve stunned me with how quickly you’ve gone from not even having your first kiss to getting intimate…with a woman!’ she exclaimed.
I chuckled, shaking my head. ‘Yeah…pretty mad…’
‘Can I ask-was it…good?’ she asked, hesitantly.
‘Oh my God,’ I groaned, remembering the heat she’d instilled in my passionate body. ‘It was incredible.’
‘Really? Wasn’t it weird,’ she wanted to know, ‘When she…well, you know?’
‘What?’ I questioned.
‘Well, I can pretty much imagine a guy putting his hand down my pants,’ she began, ‘But to go down on you like that…I’ve always wondered how that would feel…how intense it would be.’
I made a groaning sound in response to her words. ‘God, Avi, you have no idea…’ I murmured.
‘That good, huh?’
‘Better,’ I confirmed.
‘See! Why would you throw all that away! You’re seventeen, girl! Enjoy yourself before you can’t anymore,’ she advised.
‘Maybe you’re right…’ I murmured.
‘I am right, Fiya. Sort you head out-it’s screwed on wrong. And keep coming to me for advice. I may not have been through any of this myself, but I can still tell when you’re being a dick.’
I laughed at that. ‘Don’t be a dick,’ I murmured, to myself.
‘That’s right. Stick to our life motto, right?’
‘Right. Okay, well, thanks Avi. I feel a lot better now.’
‘I’m glad. You chilling now?’ she asked.
‘Yeah. Mum’s gone to work so I’m going to have an early night. All of this drama has got me exhausted!’
‘I’ll bet. Well, at least you have some drama in yours! I didn’t even get my first kiss at the party…and I tried!’
‘Oh Avi, that’s rubbish.’
‘I know. Aradam just didn’t seem up for it, for some reason,’ she sighed. ‘Maybe he’s not the right one for me.’
‘Maybe not,’ I said, thinking that it was wise to steer her away from him, seeing as he was gay.
‘I’m not giving up though!’ she told me, determinedly. ‘I will get my first kiss soon! I’m sure of it!’
‘Me too, Avi. It’ll happen when it’s meant to, anyway.’
‘Thanks, Fiya.’
‘No, thank you, Avi. I feel so much better after talking to you.’
‘No worries. That’s what best friends are for.’
‘Very true. Speak to you soon, Avi.’
‘Yeah, call again if you need to. I’m always here, Fiya.’
‘Thanks, bye,’ I said, smiling to myself.
‘Bye honey,’ she replied, and hung up.
Setting the phone aside, I sat on the bed for long moments. I felt better after speaking to Avi, and although I wasn’t going to act on what she’d suggested immediately, it gave me something to think about. I was going to consider her ideas because I knew she was completely right. My life was mapped out for me, to the nth degree. If I was going to steal a few moments for myself, it might as well be now, I mused.
