A Change of Heart, page 17
He shakes his head. “No. How can I be? I didn’t tell him about myself. His secret was someone else’s.”
“Then what’s got you so frustrated today?”
“I talked to my dad yesterday, or I tried to. I didn’t tell him about my being fae and not his blood relation, but I tried to tell him that I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to marry Princess Jaya. He wouldn’t listen to me. So, then I went to my mother and told her that she needed to talk to him, and she said that it would break his heart if he found out.” He covers his face with his hand, and I hold my breath.
“She shouldn’t have said that to you.”
“He needs to know that I can’t marry Princess Jaya. I’ll be found out.” He doesn’t acknowledge what I’ve said, and I can tell that he wants to brush past what he’s told me, but I also can see the hurt that he’s not hiding very well.
“You are not what would break his heart.” I say, trying again.
“No, learning that his true son died would break his heart.”
“Learning that your mother lied to him for the last thirty years would break his heart.” I shake my head. “Blood doesn’t make a family. You are his true son.”
He gives me a small smile that doesn’t look real and presses his lips together. “You don’t have to do that, Catherine. You don’t have to take care of me.”
“I don’t like it when you’re sad.” I say in a moment of honesty. “You’re my friend, and I want to help you.”
He swallows, and I watch his throat. His jaw is clean shaven today and I want to reach out and touch the corner of his jaw. I fold my hands in my skirts.
“I can feel that your magic is still flowing freely, and you’re not losing control now. Would you try again to make me some raspberries?”
His smile grows just a fraction, and he turns to the side and looks at a spot on the ground. His eyes close for a moment and I feel a swell of his magic in the air.
I watch, chewing on the insides of my cheeks as a plant starts to push its way through the dirt. I have no idea what a raspberry bush looks like, but when small deep pink berries appear on the branches, I clap my hands together and laugh.
“You did it!” I cry and I rush forward toward the plant. “You made a raspberry bush!”
“Whatever you want, Catherine.” He says quietly, and I turn to look at him, my hands already full of raspberries. His gaze is more intense than I’ve seen it, and it makes the hair at the base of my neck stand up. I feel my cheeks start to flush and then I hear Kohl.
“You did it? Took you long enough, Em.” He claps Emery on the shoulder and starts toward me. Emery doesn’t avert his gaze even as Kohl starts picking the berries. “We’ll have to make jam with all of these. My mum makes the best raspberry jam.”
I start to squeeze my hand shut, forcing myself to look away from Emery. I feel a soft tickle on the side of my hand, and I look down to see that I’ve crushed a few of the berries. I switch them to my other hand and wipe the juices on my skirt.
He felt the bond between us. There is no visual proof of this, but I don’t need any. I can just feel it, same as him.
29
Something has shifted between Catherine and I. Seeing her joy at the raspberry bush that I’d managed to create for her, cemented that for me.
Realizing that I can’t stay here, realizing that I can’t marry Jaya, it made room for other realizations that I’d been pushing against since Catherine showed up here in the city.
Kohl never managed to light the candle that Catherine had given him, but he seems undeterred. I was sure he was full of shit when he told me this morning that his mother is a witch and that Catherine had offered to teach him how to use magic. It felt a little too perfect, but I have met Sylvia, and it isn’t hard to believe that she is a witch. Now that I have magic of my own, I feel like I can go back in my memory and pick out who I’ve met who had magic of their own. There’s a different flavor to them. Perhaps that is part of what drew Kohl and I together in the first place. The magic in his blood spoke to the magic in my own.
“So.” Kohl taps my arm with his elbow as we’re walking back to the house.
“What?”
“Never mind. I was gonna ask if you were still upset with me, but I can tell that you are now.” He rubs at his jaw, and I elbow him in his arm now.
“I’m not upset with you. I mean I am, but not really.”
“Ah.” He snorts. “Thanks for clearing that up for me.”
“I think I’m in love with Catherine.”
He’s quiet, and I think I’ve shocked him until I look over at him.
“You think?”
“Don’t pretend you knew.”
“I’m not pretending. I knew she was gonna cause problems for you when we were back at the tavern.”
I groan and look down at the ground. “Yeah. Well, it’s taken me a bit longer to admit to that.”
“What are you gonna do about it?”
“Nothing dishonorable.” I look over at him in time to see him roll his eyes. “What was that?”
“Nothing.” He sighs.
“No no no. What was that?”
He stops walking and I stop as well, turning to face him. “You’re a bastard, alright? You’re always trying to do the right thing and take care of everyone else and make the right choice, and do what is expected of you, and that’s great for your parents. But it sucks for you. I’m your friend, your brother, I don’t want you do keep acting like there’s anything you could do that would make me walk away. I’m not going anywhere, Emery.”
I feel my throat get tight and I try and clear it. “I know that.”
“No, you don’t. You have this image of yourself in your head that you have to live up to, and you think that if you fall short of that, then people are going to be angry with you, and that’s just not true.”
I press my lips together. “I don’t want to disappoint anyone.”
“Sure.” He nods. “But you’re going to. And that’s okay. It’s part of life. I disappointed you this morning, yeah? I knew I was going to, but that didn’t stop me. I don’t seek out to disappoint you, but if I need to do something and I know it’s gonna piss you off, I’m still gonna do it. Or should I expect that you’ll never forgive me?”
I clench my fists as my side and narrow my eyes at him. “I mean, I’d rather you didn’t do shit like what you did yesterday, but of course I’m going to forgive you.”
“So, I’m allowed to mess up and you’re not?”
I shake my head, frustrated. “Of course, I’m allowed to mess up. I’m just not going to go around and mess up on purpose.”
“You’re worthy of our love and admiration, even when you’re not making our lives easier.”
My throat feels tight and I’m shaking my head. I reach out and hit his shoulder with the palm of my hand. “I know that. Why are you- What are we- I just told you that I’m in love with Catherine, why are you lecturing me about my self-worth?”
“Because you hadn’t even decided not to marry a woman who makes you miserable until yesterday. Do you think you fell in love today? Have you told her? Have you done anything about it?”
“I made her a damn raspberry bush!” I throw my hands in the air and then turn and start walking toward the house again.
“Oh! Well, I didn’t realize what a grand gesture that was at the time. That’s on me.” Kohl teases and I shoot him a look over my shoulder.
“It was a grand gesture.”
“Does she know that?”
“Yes! I’m sure she does.”
“How sure? Because when I was talking to her yesterday, she was going on about how there was nothing going on between the two of you because she’s just your teacher and you’re betrothed.”
I grind my teeth together. “I wouldn’t say or do anything until this situation with the princess is taken care of properly, you know that.”
“Right. Because that’s the honorable thing to do.” He nods. “But what if she leaves before you figure things out with your father and the king?”
“I’m not worried about that.”
“Oh?” He laughs. “You’re so sure of yourself, are you?”
I stop walking again. “She came here, Kohl. She showed up here a couple of weeks after we’d met in the tavern, and we just ran into one another like we’d planned it. Whenever I’m walking down to the cottage, I can tell if she’s going to be there, or if she’s gone off to the city. I don’t know how, but I know.” Sometimes I feel as though I can tell when she’s asleep as well. Some part of my brain perks up late at night and I have to fight the urge to go down to the cottage. The idea of her sleeping in the woods alone, completely vulnerable and unprotected keeps me awake, until the rational part of my brain that knows she can keep herself safe is able to talk me down.”
“You just know where she is? So, you think the two of you are magically linked?”
I rub my hand over my face and shrug. “Yeah. I think that we’re linked. Has your mom ever said anything about something like that?”
“About a magical link between two people?” He puts his hands on his hips and looks past my shoulder as he thinks. “You can link two people with a charm I suppose. Do you think that could have happened?”
Catherine has been making a lot of charms with material that we’ve both manipulated with our magic, but I don’t know if that’s what happened, that doesn’t seem big enough. And whatever it is that’s between us, it was there before she started making the charms.
“I don’t know. I’ll have to talk to Catherine about it eventually, but I’m going to do this in the right order.”
“Are you going to try talking to your dad again?”
“He’s still mad that I wasn’t home when the king came by yesterday, but yeah, I don’t see what other option I have.” I run my hand through my hair and look up at the house. I can the see the window to my father’s office. He’s most likely there at the moment, going over paperwork that keeps the estate running smoothly.
I’d like to be entirely sure that he’d still love me if he knew what I was, that I wasn’t truly his blood, but I don’t know that for sure, and it’s got me thinking differently of him before I even give him a chance to react to the news, and that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I don’t want to do that, but I don’t know how not to do it either. I should be able to be sure of him. I should know without doubt that his love is unconditional. Why don’t I?
“Good luck, brother.” Kohl claps me on the back and heads off toward the stables. He has no business in the house right now, but I’d like for him to accompany me anyway. Now that he knows everything, it’s a comfort to have him around. He’s no longer a person that I have to worry about spotting anything strange going on around me.
“Thank you, Kohl. Even for the stuff that pissed me off.”
He laughs and nods his head. “Anytime.”
I knock on the door to my father’s study and then walk in without waiting for a response. He’s sitting behind his desk, a quill in hand, and a large sheet of paper in his other hand, half resting on the desk.
“Afternoon, son.” He motions with the quill to the chair that is sitting in front of his desk. There are two chairs sitting in front of his desk, and they usually hold advisers or bankers or some other set of important people that have business with my father.
It has always felt strange to sit across from him in this room.
“Afternoon.” I say, taking a seat. My nerves have my magic rising to the surface, but I take a deep breath and try to center myself. Pushing back at it will not help for more than a few minutes, and I expect this to be quite a long conversation.
“I saw you and Kohl walking up to the estate together. Where were the two of you all morning?”
I tilt my head to the right and stretch my neck, then I tilt it the other way. “I needed to talk some things out with him.”
My father sets his quill down.
“Ah. A nice long walk with a friend to untangle your thoughts.” He taps his fingers against his desk and narrows his eyes slightly. “And have you come here because you wish to share what you’ve learned talking to Kohl?”
I sit up straighter and nod. “I have. Well, I suppose I’ve already started to share my thoughts with you, but I need to explain them more fully I suppose.”
“You suppose?”
“If you have the time to listen.” I amend.
“I always have time for you, my boy. I’m going to be honest though. Your disposition has me a bit nervous.”
I nod, not giving him any reason to stop being nervous, and he shifts his weight in his chair at my silence.
“Let’s have it then.”
“I’ve always been rather blunt, so I’m just going to come out and say it.” He nods, and I take a deep breath, trying to steel myself for whatever his reaction is going to be. “I can’t marry Princess Jaya.”
He blinks at me. Then he leans forward, clasps his hands together, and blinks at me a few more times. His eyes look over my face, though I don’t know what he’s searching for.
“You cannot?”
“I cannot.” I nod.
“An interesting choice of words.”
I hadn’t meant for the choice of my words to be what he focused on. “How so?”
“I know that you’ve had your reservations about the princess, so I wouldn’t be all that surprised if you said that you do not want to marry the princess. But to tell me that you cannot. That is interesting.” I shift in my seat, despite wanting to appear unflappable. “Why can you not marry Princess Jaya?”
I start tapping my fingers against the arm of the chair and realize that it’s a habit that I picked up from him.
“And understand that you did not tell me that you don’t want to marry her, or even that you will not. You said you cannot. Please explain.”
I shift in my chair again and feel myself getting defensive. He can tell that something is up, and he’s not wrong. I shouldn’t be talking to him first, but my mother said that she didn’t want to tell him the truth. And I don’t think there’s a way I can tell him the truth without telling him all her secrets. If I’m fae, I’m either not his son, or my mother has been a secret fae. In both cases, she’s spent my entire life lying to him.
This isn’t a fair situation that I’m in. None of it is fair.
But it’s also not fair to him. It’s not fair that my mother has kept all of this from the both of us. It’s not fair that her child was dying, and she was offered this choice. It’s not fair that someone made the choice to give me away.
I can’t lie right now, I can’t bring myself to do it.
And I can’t tell the truth either.
“I won’t marry her.” I say, leaning forward, resting my elbows on the edge of the chair arms.
He takes a deep breath through his nose, not blinking as he looks at me. “You said you cannot. I need you to tell me why.” He presses his lips together for a moment. “Do you think I haven’t noticed that something has been going on with you lately? I’m your father. I’ve known you your entire life. You haven’t been acting like your usual self, you’ve been disappearing at all hours of the day, you’ve been cagey and secretively. We haven’t talked for more than a couple of minutes at a time in the last month or so and you always seem to be on the move. What is going on?”
I shift on the chair and run a hand through my hair. “Dad, I don’t know…” I trail off. “I don’t know what to tell you.” It’s the most honest thing I feel like I can say, and I drop my face into my hands. “I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Is there a girl?”
I laugh, because even though he’s on the wrong track, he’s still right.
“Of course, there’s a girl.” I say, shaking my head and then leaning back in my chair. “There is a girl.”
He nods. “And why can’t you tell me about her? Is that where you’ve been sneaking off to?”
“I haven’t been sneaking, but yeah. I’ve been going to see her.”
“Has anything happened that would threaten the betrothal?”
I sigh, because I’ve already told him that I can’t marry Jaya. It shouldn’t matter. And of course, things have happened that threaten the betrothal, but not the things he’s thinking of. I grew a raspberry bush today with magic. I made a grove of saplings. I have ivy and vines follow my footsteps through the woods. All of that is a threat to the betrothal.
“Yeah.” I nod.
“Is that why you can’t marry the princess?”
I almost laugh again. “Yeah.” I nod. And I’m not lying. All the magic I’ve done is the reason why I can’t marry the princess.
Catherine is the reason I won’t marry her.
My father hangs his head and takes another deep breath through his nose.
“I don’t know how to get you out of this. You gave your word to the king.”
“I don’t expect you to get me out of it. I’ll talk to the king myself. I just need to know that you’re on my side.”
He snaps his head up so he’s looking at me again. “I’m always on your side. Always. You know that.”
I press my lips together and feel another wave of guilt wash over me. “I know.” I say quietly.
“I want nothing more than for you to be happy.”
“I know.”
He’s quiet for a moment and then he relaxes his shoulders. I can tell that it takes a lot of effort on his part, but he gets them down and then leans forward, resting his arms on the desk.
“So, what’s her name then?”
I bit the inside of my cheek, and I can’t help the smile that jumps to my face. “Catherine. Her name is Catherine.”
30
The next week goes by quickly. Fall turns to winter truly now, and I have to keep the fire in the cottage going at all times.
Oli and Lima have come to the forest to visit, and they’ve brought all kinds of goodies with them, and a few new friends as well.
Tallulah is a witch in her mid-forties, who has a baby strapped to her chest at all times. I’ve not heard anyone talk directly to the baby yet, and I can only see a mop of bright orange hair sticking out from between the folds of fabric. Tallulah is proficient in water magic, and she used to work at Oli’s shop before she got married and started her own shop on the other side of town. It’s an apothecary of sorts but disguised as a really well stocked flower shop.
