Talk Me Down From the Edge, page 10
'It's just the lies I can't deal with. I just wish he would just be straight with me so I know where I stand.' Laura played with the wedding ring on her finger; she still couldn't bring herself to remove it.
'Maybe that's the lesson you'll take away with you from all this,' Sarah said, sipping her tea.
'What's that then?'
'That people come and go in your life – nothing is stagnant, nothing can stay the same.'
'Oh god...if Dr Leigh could see me now,' Laura said dramatically.
'Laura, you're not Buddha, you're just a human being experiencing human experiences. Dr Leigh is fully aware that when we leave her office we have not been fixed – all she tries to give us is the tools to handle situations, it's not a test.'
'If it was, I would have failed big time,' Laura replied with a rueful smile. She inhaled deeply and concentrated on her breathing, totally blocking out the thoughts which were trying to break in. She was glad she was going to be seeing Dr Leigh in the morning – only her philosophies seemed able to talk her down from the edge.
***
'So how have you been coping?' Dr Leigh asked the following day.
'I wish I could say I was doing better...well actually I am, or rather I was until yesterday,' she said.
'What happened yesterday?' Dr Leigh asked compassionately.
'I found out that my husband is having an affair and I blame myself. I think I overwhelmed him to the point where he couldn't take it anymore. I really tried to hold back the intensity of my feelings for him, and in hindsight, I guess I was always just waiting for him to tell me he'd had enough. From the beginning of our relationship I was feeling anxious to the point of feeling ill...I was always worried that he'd leave me like my father did...' She took a deep gulp of air. 'So maybe I subconsciously engineered the collapse of our relationship,' she finished, almost breathless.
'Did you have counselling when your father died?' Dr Leigh asked.
'No...I was only eight and my mother didn't believe in that sort of thing,' Laura said, feeling choked.
'How did that make you feel?' she asked.
'Like I didn't have a voice...that I didn't matter...maybe that's why I ended up being a people pleaser.'
'Maybe as a child you were powerless to have any impact on an adult's life, but as an adult you are not powerless.' Dr Leigh looked thoughtful and wrote in her notepad.
'I thought after my last session things were starting to click, but then it only took one thing to knock me down again, which proves I'm just weak,' she said, unable to look Dr Leigh in the eyes.
'It's not weakness Laura – it's fear. Think about it like this: fear is based on something that we think will happen in the future – it acts like a predictor. Yes, it can hit the bulls-eye sometimes – you fear your husband will leave you and he does, which then somehow justifies the fear in the first place, but once he leaves, you're scared how you're going to cope. Once you find you can cope then you fear you will never find another partner, and once you find another partner you fear he is going to leave you. Fear is always based on something that hasn't happened, yet we treat it as though it is real,' she explained patiently.
'In your case, the fear of losing possessions, like a loved one, comes back full circle to attachment, which is the key. Give David your full blessing to move on with his life and you will soon realise that he was never yours to lose…'
***
As Laura made her way home from the counseling session, she felt even more dazed than the first time she had met Dr. Leigh. Could she really do that...just move on...despite loving him as she did? She found herself taking a different route on the way home. Pressing a buzzer, she waited until she heard a click.
'David, it's Laura...I need to speak with you,' she said. Silence followed, and then the intercom buzzed.
'I'm on the ground floor,' he said. As she approached his door, a woman stepped out. Laura's heart caught in her mouth as she came face to face with the woman the children had been talking about. There was an awkward silence as the trio stood there.
'I'll be off then,' Sally said, feeling uncomfortable.
'Okay...I'll speak to you later,' David called after her. He pushed the door open for Laura to enter.
'Would you like a cup of tea?' he asked.
'Yes, please,' she said on the brink of tears. He'd barely looked at her. The man whom she had loved for the past ten years of her life was treating her as though she was a stranger.
'Take a seat and I'll bring it over,' he said, moving slowly to the kitchen.
'Do you mind if I open the blind?' she asked.
'I'd prefer it if you didn't,' he said, 'I've been getting these blinding migraines lately, the doctor suggested I sit in the dark, there's a lamp on the table you can put on.'
'It's alright, not if it's going to make you uncomfortable,' she said sitting down. He brought the tea to her and placed it before her.
'So how are you?' he asked as he sat down.
Better than you she thought as she looked at him properly for the first time. He had lost a lot of weight and barely resembled the David she knew.
'I'm coping,' she said. 'You've lost a lot of weight.'
'Yeah, I know,' he grinned. 'I think I sort of went overboard with the dieting and exercise regime.'
'You think?' she asked incredulously.
'I have some protein shakes the doc prescribed for me...he said I'll bulk up in no time.'
'I hope so,' Laura said. There was an uncomfortable silence. 'Was that her, then?' she asked.
'Who?' David asked absentmindedly.
'Forget it...' she said, 'it's none of my business who you see.'
'Laura, what...'
'Look.' She put her hand up to silence him. 'I didn't come here to talk about us, I came to find out what's happening about the kids for Christmas – what shall I tell them?' she asked, not looking at him.
'Laura, I don't know what's happening at the moment...it's best if they just think they're spending it with you.'
'Fine,' she said standing up. Her feeling of calm had now turned to resentment. 'At least we know where we stand.' She headed towards the front door. 'Don't get up, I'll see myself out,' she said sarcastically. When he made no attempt to move she walked out the door and slammed it shut.
'Bastard,' she said as she got into her car and started it up. She noticed out of the corner of her eye that David was standing at the window of his apartment looking at her and stayed there until she drove off.
19
Despite not wanting a big deal made out of her party, Holly, under duress by Emily, had invited fifteen friends from school. The apartment had been decorated tastefully. Large silver balloons adorned the living room and caterers had been hired to prepare and make the food. Luckily, the apartment was big enough to hold all eighteen children and their parents. Holly looked every inch the birthday girl in her silver chiffon dress and sandals to match. Even James had paid her a compliment which had more than made her day. She still had not told Sarah she had invited her father. Emily told her it would be a nice surprise for her. The party was in full swing when the doorbell rang.
'We're not expecting anyone else,' Sarah said to Laura as she excused herself and went to open the door. She was taken aback when she saw Joe standing on the doorstep. He was dressed in a black leather jacket and faded jeans. He looked good and he knew it.
'Sarah...' he said smiling admiring her look; her chocolate coloured hair had been tousled into big brown curls, gently falling on her shoulders.
'Joe,' she said finding her voice, 'I wasn't expecting you.'
'Oh...didn't Holly tell you I was coming?' he said feigning disappointment. He knew she wouldn't tell Sarah that she had made her own way to see him.
'She must have done?' she lied. 'It must have just slipped my mind...come in,' she said opening the door further.
'Thanks,' he said. 'So where's the birthday girl?'
'Dad...you came!' she screamed excitedly running up to him.
He hugged her and bent down on one knee. 'I told you I would...didn't I,' he said. He was basking in the attention he was receiving from the mothers and children who had come out to the hallway to see who Holly was excited to see. He made sure that everyone was watching when he brought a velvet box out from inside his jacket. 'This is for the most precious girl in the world,' he said loud enough for the swooning mothers to hear.
'What is it Dad?' she asked excitedly.
'Why don't you open it and find out,' he said laughing. He turned to his audience and flashed them an infectious grin.
Holly opened the box and lined on the black velvet interior was a set of pearls. 'Oh Dad they're beautiful,' she said with tears in her eyes.
'Every princess deserves pearls,' he said kissing her cheek and standing up. He soaked up the admiring glances from the women who still stood and openly stared at him.
'Come on Dad, come and see my birthday cake,' she said proudly taking his hand.
Although he had no interest in the cake he pretended he did for appearance's sake. 'Of course darling,' he said as he followed her.
What acting school did he drop out of...I've seen more convincing acting from five year olds, Jada thought shaking her head. She had his number straight away. The modelling world was full of slimy narcissistic men like him. She couldn't believe nobody else saw him for the fake he was. What had shocked her even more was the way that Sarah had reacted. She had been looking at him in awe.
She had never seen Holly look so happy, confident and alive. Since Jada had met her, she had been a subdued child only rarely showing glimpses of her true self. Yet with her father by her side, she glowed. She felt like crying, the worst thing is she doesn't understand he's all for show.
'So now you've seen the famous ex-husband,' Laura said to Jada handing her a glass of wine.
'Thank you...yes so it seems.'
'At least Holly is happy,' Laura said thoughtfully.
For now, Jada felt like saying. How she wished she could be that naive.
'Jada, Jada,' Holly was heading towards her with her father in tow, 'meet my dad - Dad meet Jada, Mum's best friend.'
'Nice to meet you,' he said, charmingly drawn in by her beauty. Their eyes locked in a gaze. The normal reaction he got from women was missing. He felt a little deflated. She was by far the most attractive woman he had seen in a very long time and she hadn't shown the slightest bit of interest in him. She must be a lesbian, he thought, massaging his bruised ego.
'You have a wonderful daughter,' she said smiling down at Holly, not wanting to look at him for too long in case he guessed what she really thought of him.
'I remind myself of that every day,' he said.
'Look at the pearls my dad gave me for my birthday,' she chattered on.
Jada bent over. 'Wow, they are beautiful - just like you,' she said tapping the tip of her nose gently.
'I'm going to check on the food...please excuse me,' she said politely, desperately wanting to get away from him. The way she felt was not solely based on the fact he was her partners ex-husband, he just had a very dark aura that she couldn't stomach.
She found Sarah and Laura in the kitchen. 'Holly's having a wonderful birthday,' she said to them both.
'Yes she is,' Sarah said distracted.
'Is it possible to have a quick chat in private,' Jada asked her.
'Not at the moment - later,' she said as she walked off to her waiting guests.
'Is something wrong?' Jada asked Laura feeling slightly taken aback by Sarah's attitude. They had been together for a year and she had never seen this dismissive side to her before.
'I don't think so,' she said. 'Just the normal stresses of party hosting.'
Emily stood in the background whilst Holly had all the attention lavished on her. As she walked around the party, she caught snippets of the adults conversation. 'Isn't she lucky to have two gorgeous parents... Isn't she just adorable... Such a happy child.' She had also noticed that James was hanging around her like a sick puppy. She had never felt more invisible in her short life. She wished her dad was there because he always made her feel special and now even he had someone new, she thought, her mind conjuring up an image of Sally. She pulled the door to the toilet and was annoyed to find it locked. She was bursting to go. Then she remembered that her Aunt Sarah's bedroom had an ensuite. She let herself into her room and relieved herself. She was just about to flush the chain when she heard Sarah speaking to Jada. She gently set the toilet seat down and put her ear close to the door, praying that they wouldn't come in and find her.
'Is there any reason why you're avoiding me?' Jada asked Sarah.
'I'm not avoiding you...you are paranoid.'
'Don't play mind games with me Sarah,' she warned, 'you'll lose hands down every time.'
'Jada, I really don't know what you're talking about,' she said getting flustered.
'Look at the state you're in...What's happened to you in the space of a few hours?'
'Nothing's happened to me Jada...now look I don't have time for this right now.'
'What's this then,' she asked.
'You and your accusations,' she said turning on her. 'We aren't married...' she blurted out. 'You've no right to make any kind of demands from me.'
'Whoa - ' Jada held up her hands, '- where did that come from....'
'Look we'll talk later,' she said half apologising. 'Someone might hear us.'
'So you do know what it is,' she said sitting on the bed, fully aware that Sarah knew how she had been treating her.
'What?' Sarah said somewhat oblivious.
'I accepted you in my life completely heartedly, I introduced you as my lover to my friends, my family everyone.'
Emily put her hand to her mouth. She's gay! Aunt Sarah is gay and so is Jada. So much for a perfect family, she thought with glee.
'... and this is how you repay me - by putting a bunch of strangers before me, before us...I thought you were different Sarah. I really fell for your bullshit didn't I...live and let live, what a pile of crap.'
'Can you keep your voice down,' Sarah said panicking.
'I'll do better than that,' she said collecting her coat from the cupboard.
'Where are you going?' she said.
'Away from you and this bullshit,' she said.
Sarah grabbed her arm. 'Please - Jada just wait.'
Jada shrugged her arm off her. 'No Sarah, I think I've waited long enough, don't you?' she said meeting her eyes. Sarah said nothing as Jada walked out.
Moments later Emily heard the bedroom door close for a second time. Convinced that the room was empty, she hurried from the ensuite and back into the living room. She felt a lot better now that the shine had come off Holly's halo.
'Where's Jada?' Laura asked Sarah as the remaining guests left.
'She had an appointment to keep,' she lied.
'Sarah, it's me you're talking to, I know when you're lying.'
'Alright...we had an argument,' she finally admitted.
'Nothing serious I hope,' Laura said. 'I really like Jada and you two make a great couple, you're lucky to have found someone who genuinely loves you...warts and all,' she said squeezing her shoulder.
Sarah's eyes were brimming with tears. 'You had true love with David,' she said.
'Yeah right, that's why I'm here alone because he's so madly in love with me,' she said sarcastically. 'Anyway what did you two row about?'
'She thought I was embarrassed about our relationship.'
Laura was shocked. 'I can't believe she thought that, you two are so natural together.'
'I'm ashamed to admit that she may have been right, I didn't exactly tell anyone here tonight who she was. And you know I haven't told Holly yet.'
'You are kidding me right, you care what those two-faced fuckers think about you. Oh Sarah I thought you had gotten over that "caring what people think about you" bullshit. And it's about time you told Holly, you have been lying to her long enough,' Laura was angry. The very thought that Sarah had treated Jada that way sickened her. She deserved better.
The conversation was cut short when James and Emily said they were tired and wanted to go home. It had been a long day for everyone.
'I'll see you tomorrow,' Laura said to Sarah, her displeasure evident.
'See you then,' she said sheepishly. She put her head against the door.
'You never used to get so stressed giving parties,' Joe said.
'You're still here?' she said.
'Yes...I wanted to talk to you.'
'Can it wait, I'm really tired.'
'It won't take long.'
'Okay, you can talk while I load the dishwasher.'
He followed her into the kitchen. Holly, who had seen them enter, followed and for the second time that evening Sarah was eavesdropped on.
'Those pearls were a bit extravagant weren't they?' she said.
'Do you think so? Holly loved them.'
'And where exactly is she going to wear them? To school? Something more age appropriate would have been fine.'
'Look - the most important thing is that the party went really well,' Joe said. 'Holly really seemed happy.'
'I think that was more to do with you being here than her party...'
'We make a great team,' he said coming up behind her. 'I made a big mistake when I left you,' he said. 'I want to try again,' he continued. 'I want us to be a family again.'
Holly's heart was in her mouth as she waited to hear her mother's reply. They were going to be a family again. Just at that moment, she heard the key rattling in the door. It was Jada. Holly ran to the door before Jada could enter.
'Hey what's the matter?' she said bumping into Holly.
'Don't go in there Jada,' Holly said in a whisper. 'Dad's making up with Mum and we're going to be a family again.' Holly's face beamed with joy.
Jada looked into the girls innocent eyes. She knelt down beside her, and in a hushed voice said,
