Yours Cruelly (Paper Cuts #2), page 26
When I get to the complex, it’s dark. Next to it, Stassi’s apartment is lit up, and Madison is outside, grabbing her mail. “Hey, stranger,” she says as I step out.
“Hey. You see Stassi around?” It’s odd. She doesn’t have a car, so she’s usually home when I get home.
She looks at my dark apartment. “No. Ever since you kidnapped her …” She winks.
It’s true, Stassi gradually moved all of her stuff over to my place, and now, her old apartment isn’t even hers. Madison’s boyfriend moved in a few weeks ago and assumed Stassi’s share of the rent. It was a perfect arrangement, especially since their wild, wall-shaking sex doesn’t seem to happen nearly as much anymore.
“See you,” I say, wondering if Stassi went out somewhere with her family. Did she say she had plans? I can’t remember her saying anything about that.
But when I turn the key in the lock, I immediately focus on Stassi, sitting on the couch in the dark. The television is on, tuned to a random news show, its blue glow illuminating the tracks of tears on her face. She’s clutching a pillow against her chest.
I freeze as her eyes wander to meet mine, the pain in them heartbreaking. “What’s going on?”
Her voice is distant. “When were you going to tell me the truth about the night Jonathan died?”
36
Stassi
I look up at Alec through tears. He looks like he wants to bolt, just like my brothers were afraid of. And one thing becomes crystal clear in my mind:
If I hadn’t asked him, he never would have told me.
I’d gone into that lunch with my brothers, full of spit and vinegar. Yes, they were just trying to protect me, blah blah blah, I’d heard it all before. I would explain I was thankful for them, but I needed to make my own mistakes, and politely ask them to butt the hell out.
But then they proceeded to tell me something so much worse than I imagined. By the time they’d finished, I wanted to throw up. I left the restaurant in a hurry and spent most of the day walking the path overlooking the ocean, trying to make sense of it.
Even now, I can’t make sense of it.
My voice is hollow. “I see. You weren’t planning on telling me, ever.”
After what they told me, I expect him to bolt. That’s what he did, after graduation. After Jonathan. That was why we never saw him again. He didn’t even stay for the funeral. He was too much of a coward to face what he’d done.
But instead, he comes around to the couch and sits beside me. I move away and glare at him.
“What did they tell you?” he says quietly.
“The truth about that night.”
I remember very little about it, though I hadn’t had all that much to drink. I remember that glare of hatred Alec had given me and Jonathan when we were together. I remember seeing them having hateful words, out on the deck. But after that, I went home … and I knew nothing but that after drinking too much, Jonathan had strayed from the path around Moss Pond, tripped, hit his head on the stone wall, and drowned.
I hadn’t known that someone had killed him.
Alec. No, he hadn’t pushed him. But from everything Cooper and Aidan said, he might as well have.
And all this time, he stayed away. He didn’t offer me condolences. He didn’t go to the funeral. He just left. He skulked away, rather than face the hard truth, rather than accept the consequences, like he always did.
He’s not speaking. He’s not defending himself. Because he knows he has no defense. And I want him, I desperately want him to defend himself.
“Is it true you played that game with him? You got him drunk?”
Again, he doesn’t speak. He’s staring at me, as if he wants to hear me say everything he did.
“You were egging him on, calling him a pussy when he didn’t drink. They said it was like you wanted him to pass out.”
He nods. “I did.”
“Why?”
He sucks in a breath and lets it out slowly. “It’s complicated.”
“Then uncomplicate it for me.” I wait a beat, two, but it’s like pulling teeth. “You never liked him, right?”
He nods. “I never liked the way he treated you.”
I snort. “Really? You didn’t like him treating me like a princess? Which is what he did. And all the while, you were the one sending me those nasty messages.”
“Yes, that’s right. You knew not to trust me. But what’s worse?” he asks, his eyes meeting mine. “Someone who’s an asshole, or someone who pretends to be a stand-up guy and fools everyone into not seeing what an asshole he is?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that he was cheating on you every chance he got,” he says flatly.
I nearly laugh. Jonathan was a goofball. No one ever took him seriously. He didn’t have a deceptive bone in his body. “How can you say that?”
“Because I saw it. He was good at hiding it from you, from your brothers. He worked at it. But Carlina … she knew. He was always trying to get with her, with any other piece of ass he could nail, when you and your brothers had your backs turned.”
“I don’t believe it,” I say, shaking my head. There is no way the boy I cried a thousand oceans for would do that to me.
Then again … Mason …
“I knew you wouldn’t,” he says gently, before I can complete the thought in my head.
Those words jar me. I suppose if I knew no one would believe me, I would keep quiet, too. I blink, my mind cycling back to that fight that they’d had, that last night. “Why did you almost fight, that night?”
His lips twist. He’s debating telling me.
“Alec, why?” I demand.
From the expression on his face, I might as well be extracting the words with a set of pliers. “He’d been out there, in the yard behind the bushes, with Tori Meltz. Getting a blow job. I saw them. And when he came back, I told him that he needed to keep his dick in his pants if you weren’t there.” He looks down at his lap. “What’s it to you, dickhead? That was the last thing he said to me, until, well … yeah, I guess I challenged him to that drink-off, thinking he’d pass out and forget his promise to get with that other girl.”
I stare at him. “You… were protecting me?”
“I know. I did a shitty job of it.”
“And why didn’t you tell me?”
“Why?” He lets out a sardonic laugh. “A thousand reasons. I felt guilty. I didn’t want you to hate me again. I didn’t want to lose you after I’d finally gotten you. I didn’t want to put a damper on the joy and excitement of having a baby. But most of all … I didn’t want to hurt you. I knew you loved Jonathan. And he loved you, too. He just … had a shitty way of showing it.”
I almost laugh, even as the tears start to fall. “He begged me, over and over again, to sleep with him. He was relentless. It was only after we were dating for two years that I finally gave in, and that’s because I thought we would be together forever. I felt bad making him wait … when all along he was getting it from other girls?”
He nods. “I’m so sorry.”
My heart lurches at the sincerity in his eyes. “Alec. I don’t know what’s worse. That Jonathan did those things, or that you thought all this time that I was better off not knowing? Did you think I was too weak to accept the truth then? How am I supposed to know, going forward, if you’re ever keeping something from me? We can’t build a relationship without honesty and communication. And you can’t assume you know what’s best for someone else.”
He nods. “I know. I know. I’m sorry, Stassi.”
“You can tell me these things. I’m not a porcelain doll. I’m not going to break.”
“I was going to. I promise you, I was.”
I give him a doubtful look. “When?”
“You know Carlina, when we met up at the diner? It wasn’t a date. I told you we were catching up, but it wasn’t that, either. I was just asking her, because she was there that night, if she’d vouch for me. Because she knew what kind of guy Jonathan was, too.”
Apparently, other people knew Jonathan was a complete asshole. And I was the fool. Again. Just like with Mason.
I can’t have this happen again. Three strikes, and I am out.
Really out, because now I have a baby to think about.
The thought grips me like a vise, and suddenly I feel like I’m flying without a net. I lean over, burying my face in my hands, and let out a sob.
The next thing I know, Alec is kneeling in front of me with a glass of water. “Drink this.”
I take it and sip the water, feeling numb.
“Stassi … I’m so sorry,” he says again. “I love you.”
The words don’t hit in the way they should. In my life on this Earth, I probably spent more time wanting Alec to say those words to me than crying over Jonathan. But they don’t penetrate. They don’t do a damn thing to me.
He tries to put his hand on my knee, but I stiffen and stand. My voice is wooden. “I should sleep in my own apartment tonight.”
I trip over bags he’s left in the doorway. I notice some new books. Oliver Twist is on top.
Oliver. Instinctively, I grab my belly.
He doesn’t try to stop me as I go to gather my things, but he does say, “Okay. But I thought … Madison and Joe …”
I climb the stairs listlessly, not bothering to correct him. I kept my key, and Madison kept my room open for me, telling me I’m welcome back, anytime I want.
Because I guess I always knew, deep in my heart, that nothing ever works out for me.
Alec
After the contractor leaves, I go next door and knock, having no clue about what kind of reception I’ll get.
But no one answers.
She was clearly upset with me last night, and she has the right to be. I didn’t argue with her, because I know how she is when her mind is made up. So I just let her go. I was hoping that if she had enough time to process, she’d understand.
I wonder where she went. Some day off. I was planning on getting stuff done, with her. And now all I’m doing is thinking about her and what I could’ve done differently.
On the way back to my place, I think about giving her flowers. But Stassi isn’t the type to be won over by gestures like that. Flowers are milestones or apologizing when one’s in the doghouse … and I don’t know what we are, now. I had her best interests at heart. I hope she’ll see that, eventually.
Stassi left the nursery half-painted, a sunny pale creamsicle orange. I spend the rest of the day finishing up. As I’m washing the brushes, my phone buzzes with a text.
I practically run to pick it up, hoping it’s Stassi. But it’s not:
Dr. Burns: Think you can cover tonight for an overnight?
I sigh. Why the hell not? At the very least, it’ll take my mind off Stassi for a bit. I text a yes and hit the shower.
As I’m shaving, the steam from my shower still settling around me, I get another text. This one has to be Stassi. She’s had enough time, and now she wants to talk.
But as I wipe off the steam from the display, I see Aidan’s name.
Aidan: Can you and I meet?
Though it’s not Stassi, this is something I’ve been waiting for. I knew that once the boys had time to let the idea simmer, they’d want to talk to me. As much as I know it’s going to hurt, I have to do it. I’ve been brooding over our last conversation, thinking of what I should’ve said, ever since it ended.
Alec: Sure. Houlihan’s. 7 pm?
I figure it’s neutral ground. He probably won’t murder me there. And if he does beat me within an inch of my life for touching Stassi, I’ll be on my way to the hospital, anyway.
I get to the bar at a little before 7 and order a soda since my shift is coming up.
As soon as the waitress leaves my booth, the door opens, and my two former best friends walk in.
I should’ve known it would’ve been a package deal. Aidan never goes anywhere without Cooper and vice versa.
They walk toward me, mouths in rigid lines, hands tucked in the pockets of their jeans. The two of them, together, are intimidating, to say the least. No wonder our opponents on the ice used to cower in fear. As their closest friend, I’d never had that problem … until now.
They don’t bother to sit across from me. Instead, they stand, towering over me.
“We’ve talked,” Aidan says gruffly, punching his fist into his other hand. “And now we want to get something straight with you.”
I get it. They want to scare the shit out of me, and it’s working. I know they’re coming from a good place. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. “Okay.” My voice only wavers a little.
“She told us what Jonathan did,” Aidan says quietly. “And that he was an asshole to her. That he had us all fooled.”
I nod.
“But him being an asshole doesn’t make you any less of one,” Cooper says.
I nod. That’s true, too.
“So you know … she’s been through hell and back. She doesn’t need any more of that shit,” Aidan says. “I swear, I don’t even want another hair on her head harmed. You understand?”
“If you ever leave her. If you ever hurt her … even the littlest bit … you’re dead meat. Lobster bait. Got it?” Cooper says. He’s usually the one making stupid jokes, but this time, he doesn’t even smile.
I nod resolutely and hold up my hand in oath. “I swear. I will never hurt her.”
They don’t break their gaze from me. Aidan says, “I guess only time will tell.”
“I guess it will,” I tell them.
But I’m not worried in the least. Because now I know one thing for sure.
I’d rather die than see Stassi hurt again.
37
Stassi
“Yes, just keep going. Right down there.”
The Uber driver gives me a confused look in the rearview mirror as he cautiously navigates the overgrown weeds and brush surrounding the gravel road. “Are you sure?”
The cemetery’s sign, about a quarter-mile back, had been so swallowed by the branches of a hydrangea bush that I’m sure he thinks I’m leading him straight off a cliff to the ocean. “Yep, a little farther.”
Finally, the first headstones come into view. Most are covered in wildflowers and moss, and the air above them is full of bees and butterflies and other insects having a field day. “Okay, this is great,” I tell him, scooting to the end of the seat and reaching for the door. “Can you just hang for five minutes? I promise I won’t take long.”
He nods. He’s not the friendliest of guys, but I think he might have noticed my stomach pooch and the loose blouse I have over it, and few men are so low as to bail on a pregnant woman. Score one for playing the pregnancy card.
The second I reach the edge of the cemetery, where Jonathan’s grave is, I kick my old flowers out of the way. I’ve never come empty-handed to this place before, but I want him to understand.
“Liar,” I hiss.
The grave is silent, but around me, the wind picks up. It’s not a confirmation that he’s listening, but I don’t need that.
I know Alec was telling the truth. After I went back to my old apartment, I called around, to different people I knew from high school, and heard the worst things. Apparently, he got around. I called Carlina Smith, who told me that yes, he’d dated a few of her friends on the cheerleading squad while he was going out with me. I called Tori Meltz, who I wasn’t even friends with, and she confirmed that yes, she and Jonathan had been seeing each other behind my back. For months. Then I called Martina Abbot, who was the closest thing I’d had to a female friend in school—she and I were in stiff competition for valedictorian—and she said to me, “Sure, everyone knew. But none of us wanted to tell you, because you looked so happy.”
Every piece of information I added to the pile only made it more and more obvious what a sham our three-year relationship was … and what an idiot I was. And no one in my orbit cared enough about me to tell me the truth.
I was oblivious then. I wanted so badly to believe that someone could love me, I missed all the red flags. I also missed the signs that were right there in front of my face.
The signs that yes … all this time, Alec loved me. He has always loved me, and that’s not going away.
“Here’s the thing, Jonathan,” I say, crouching down so he can hear me. “I will always care about you and be sorry for what happened to you. But I’m pissed at what you did, and what everyone did to try to protect me. I wish someone had told me instead of running away from the truth. Because if they had … maybe I would have realized who really loved me. You said you were that person. You said you loved me … but the way you acted shows you didn’t. Not really.”
The wind picks up even more, and I feel like that’s enough of an answer.
“Alec … all that time, he said he hated me. But the way he acted to me, when it was just the two of us, alone …” I smile. “I know he loves me. And I love him. More than anything. I have always loved him, and now I don’t need to deny it anymore.”
As I turn back to the car that’s waiting for me, I wonder if this will be my last visit to this cemetery. I won’t forget Jonathan. That’s not possible. But sometimes, you have to let go.
And I feel like I have.
I climb into the back of the car and fold my hands over my belly. “Thank you for waiting. You can take me back home.”
We bounce over the rutted road for a bit, and I have to clutch the door handle to keep from jostling about too much. It’s when the driver reaches the main road that I feel a sharp cramp in my lower belly.
I take a deep breath, telling myself it was nothing.
But then it comes again. I grab my phone and text Alec.
Stassi: I’m sure it’s nothing, but I felt some weird cramps.
He responds almost instantly.
Alec: Come to the hospital ASAP. I’m in the ER. I’ll meet you.
I frown. The ER? That’s a bit overreactive. But then the cramp comes again, harder and more insistent.
Stassi: Are you sure? I should probably call my doc.
