Dear Stranger (Paper Cuts #3), page 23
I frown. “Okay, then that’s it. I’m not going, either.”
Tenley sits up straight, the sheet falling to her laps. “Are you listening to me? You’re not doing that! You have your dream job, the thing you’ve been working your whole career for, waiting for you in Chicago. You need to go.”
“No, I don’t,” I say, raising my voice. Why does she keep hammering me with that? It really does feel like she’s casting me off. “There’s got to be another solution. What if we start our own practice? We could bring in our clients from Foster & Foster and—”
“You need money for that, Brooks. I have nothing. That’s why I wanted the promotion to begin with—so I could have that money and freedom. But right now, my hands are tied. I need a job, paying me, first, before I can even think about striking out on my own.”
More reality trickles in. She’s right. All these pie-in-the-sky ideas… and none of them can happen. They’re all too risky. Someone’s going to get hurt, no matter what we do.
“You want to end this.” It’s not a question.
I throw the sheet off and stand up as she reaches for my hand, but I snatch it away.
“No, Brooks. I don’t. We can try long-distance. It’s not ideal. But people make it work.”
“In the short-term, maybe,” I say, fishing for my clothes. “But it’s not a real solution. You know that. It’ll only delay the inevitable.”
She stares at me sadly. She knows I’m right. I get dressed in silence, and when I leave, she doesn’t try to stop me.
It’s over.
39
You want to end this.
Sitting at my computer, sipping tea, I’m trying to get some needed work done. But all I keep thinking about is Brooks.
No, the last thing I wanted to do was end things.
But he’s right. There’s no way it would work between us.
The though sends a spear of pain, right through my heart.
Again, I’m looking for jobs. I keep expanding the radius of my search, but so far, I’ve only managed to find a handful of options. I’ve applied to all of them, and have registered with a headhunter in Portland, but so far, I haven’t gotten a single bite.
As I’m scrolling, I notice a job for a senior attorney in Portsmouth. That sounds promising. Scrolling through the job expectations, I decide it’s a match. I personalize a cover letter, put it together with my email, and send it off.
Portsmouth would be good.
Even if it’s without Brooks.
Oh, who am I kidding? I’m an idiot for forcing him away, when he wanted to stay. But that job was amazing. If he didn’t take it, he’d have come to resent me. I’m sure of it. And that would’ve caused a rift in our relationship that would have only widened.
Maybe I’m just scared. Scared that in trusting any man, what happened to my mother could happen to me, and derail my entire life.
It doesn’t matter. If he’d really wanted to be with me, he could’ve fought. Instead, he simply got up and left. It’s been three days, and I haven’t heard from him since. For all I know, he can already be on a plane to Chicago.
My heart lurches as I think of how adorable and hopeful he’d looked when he asked me to come with him.
How could I have turned him down?
It doesn’t matter, Tenley. You did it. What’s done is done.
He would have resented me. If I’d gone with him, I’d be dead weight. If I’d made him stay to be with me, I’d have held him back. I’d be what my father thought my mother was.
This was right. Definitely.
Even so, I find myself on the Chicago page, looking for jobs, there.
After a moment of scrolling, I shake my head and snap the laptop closed. It wouldn’t have worked. Period. End of story.
I am a strong, independent woman, like my mother.
Looking around my condo, I wince. The walls of this place have brought me down, ever since I decided I probably can’t afford the rent after the end of this month. I need to find a new, cheaper place to live, but I have no motivation to do so. It feels like failure.
I climb out of bed and go downstairs for something to eat. Unfortunately, I am a strong, independent woman who hasn’t been to the grocery store in ages, because I don’t even have Cheerios, this time.
I grab my phone to order via an app, but for some reason, it’s down.
That’s okay. This strong, independent woman has no problem, eating in a restaurant by herself.
I quickly get changed and head out, but the only place open in Sapphire Shores at this time of night is Ted’s, home of the worst pizza on the planet. Finding a spot in the parking lot, I go inside.
From the back, a disembodied voice calls, “Seat your—oh hey!”
I locate the speaker behind the counter, among the take-out pizza boxes. It’s Ellie. “Hey!”
I’d like to think it’s fate, but something tells me my subconscious was leading me here, all along, because I wanted to get the inside scoop on what Brooks has been up to. She comes around the counter and grabs my arm, then leads me to a corner booth. “If you sit here, I’ll wait on you.”
“Okay, great.” She hands me a menu, but I don’t look at it. “I’ll just have a root beer and a couple of slices.”
“Coming right up!” She grins at me and heads off to wait on another table.
Meanwhile, I sit there, looking around at all the other patrons. There’s one family, but the rest are in pairs, which makes me feel less like a strong, independent woman, and more… lonely.
I have an inner war, telling myself I shouldn’t ask Ellie about Brooks when she returns. It’s over. Whatever he’s up to doesn’t matter, and an independent woman doesn’t need to know.
But the second she sets my food down, I say, “So, how is everything?”
She looks at her tables and then sits across from me. “Good. I’ve been working more shifts at Ted’s and am taking a free business class at the community college.”
“Really? That’s great!” I pick at the cheese of the pizza, trying to decide how to delicately work the conversation toward Brooks. “And Jace is good?”
“He’s great. He’s actually in a free after-school soccer program. Loves it!”
“That’s fantastic.” I lower my eyes to my plate and tear off a piece of cheese, stuffing it into my mouth before casually saying, “And—”
“How are you?”
I was going to ask about her brother, but Ellie’s question saves me from going down that torturous route. “Oh. Fine.”
“Did you get a new job?”
I shake my head. “But I’m still volunteering at the women’s center, if you ever want to stop by there. We can help you with anything you need.”
She smiles. “Sure.”
There’s a lull in the conversation, and the dreaded question finds its way to the tip of my tongue again.
But as I open my mouth, a voice says, “Excuse me, Miss?”
Ellie’s attention swerves elsewhere, grabbed by another restaurant patron looking for a drink refill.
“Hold that thought!” She scoots up and rushes to grab the empty glass from the customer.
Saved. Really, Tenley. You don’t need to know how Brooks is. Ellie and Jace are doing much better, and that’s all that matters.
Ellie reappears a minute later, with a drink for the customer, and another one for me, since I’ve somehow slogged down the whole thing without realizing it. She sits in front of me and says, “Whew. It was a busy one tonight.”
Okay. We’re not on the subject of Brooks. And we don’t need to be. I should just ask her how she likes the job and what her classes are about.
But instead, the second my mouth opens, it slips out. “How is Brooks?”
Instantly, I hate myself for asking. I’m trying to be casual, to not look like I’m waiting with bated breath for the answer.
She sure takes her time. Then she shrugs. “No idea.”
That’s not the answer I was looking for. I blurt, “What do you mean?” desperate to sate my curiosity. Does she not know how he is because he’s already in Chicago?
“Oh, you know Brooks. Tries to be the big strong man. Doesn’t like anyone to see him sweat. Internalizes everything.”
“Is something wrong? I thought he was going to Chicago?”
She shakes her head. “I told him he should. But he refuses. He said he’s looking for something here.”
My heart does a little dance, knowing he’s still nearby. As much as I wanted him to take that Chicago job, I’m glad he’s still here. That’s selfish of me. “I think he’s going to regret that. It was a perfect job for him.”
Ellie smiles. “No, it’s not.”
She gives me a meaningful look, which I don’t understand. “What do you mean? It was a partnership. Did he tell you that? The pay was incredible, and--”
“Yes. But it wasn’t near you,” she says.
I stare, speechless.
She puts a hand on mine. “Girl, I know my brother better than anyone. And I’ve never seen him so smitten by a woman before.”
“Oh,” I say, my face heating. “No. I’m not the reason he’s not going to Chicago. I can’t be. You—"
“Okay. So maybe it a bunch of things. But you’re the biggest. I told him he’s a great guy, but you probably want someone a little more boring. More stable. Not his crazy ass. But I still think he’s holding out that you’ll change your mind and want to be with him. Show up at his door, tell him you’ll go anywhere with him.”
I imagine myself doing that. My entire body aches to do that. But it’s not possible. “No. I can’t do that. He needs to go to Chicago. That’s his future.”
“How do you know that? Do you have a crystal ball?”
“We’re too different,” I declare with a nod, though I don’t sound nearly as sure of myself as I wanted to be. “It won’t work.”
She shakes her head. “I think that’s the problem. There are so many relationships that have ended badly, that people are too quick to think that theirs will end up part of that statistic. But it doesn’t have to. Sometimes, you just have to close your eyes, and jump.” She leans in. “Do you love him?”
I don’t even have to think. I nod.
Yes, I do. I love him. We may be totally different, but we complement each other in so many ways. All the ways that count.
“Then go get him,” she says, checking her phone. “He’s probably still awake right now, you know.”
I imagine myself going there, telling him that I’ve made a mistake and I’d go anywhere with him. But this isn’t a romance movie. This is real life. And if we do that, if we selfishly ignore everything and everyone else, we’re going to regret it.
“I can’t.” It comes out as soft as a breath.
She just stares at me. Then she says, “He said the same thing. You two are more alike than you know. Stubborn as hell.”
She gets up and leaves to help another customer, and when I look down at my pizza, I no longer have an appetite.
40
I haven’t lost hope yet.
It might be noon, and I might be sitting at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of cereal while typing one-handed into my laptop in my pajama bottoms. I might not have shaved in a week.
But I am still not giving up hope that I can find a job in this state.
I told my professor in Chicago that I needed a month to think it over. I figured that would be enough time to see whether I’ll sink or swim in this job market.
So far, it’s been mostly sinking. But I’m still fighting.
As soon as I hit “send” on another resume, the front door opens, and I hear Jace’s high-pitched voice.
“Brooksy! Brooksy! Brooksy!” he shouts, zooming into my arms. “Guess what?”
I notice he has blue-raspberry-colored lips, so I have a good idea. “You’re on a sugar high.”
Behind him, Ellie rolls her eyes and pulls her messenger bag over her head. “He begged me for a slushie.”
“I’m sure he did.” I grab him and tickle his belly.
He giggles as I toss him over my lap. “But that’s not all! Guess what? Guess what?”
“You’re secretly a monkey?”
He sits up, face red. “No! I’m going—” He stops and runs a critical eye over me. “Uncle Brooksy, why are you still in your PJs?”
I look down. “I just woke up.”
He gasps and his eyes narrow. “Are you playing hooky?”
Wondering where he gets this stuff, I look over at Ellie, who just shrugs. “No.” I rub his shoulder, and try to get him back on track. “What were you going to tell me?”
He squints, as if he can’t remember. “Oh. I’m going to have my own bed! In my own room!”
At first I think it’s just a joke. Or that he’s playing make-believe again. But then I shoot a questioning look at my sister and realize she’s holding a manila envelope in her hands and nodding, a look of unspoken pride bursting from her face.
“What’s this all about?”
She sits down across from me and opens the folder. “There’s a new low-income apartment complex that just opened up, across the street from Ted’s. I went to the women’s center and they helped me fill out my application, and I got it. We move in next week.”
“Really?” Now I’m proud. Shit.
Jace nods excitedly, and then his face falls. “But wait. Mommy. Isn’t Brooksy going to come with us?”
I laugh. “No, this is my house. But of course, I’m going to be over there, with you, whenever I can. It’s practically right down the block.”
He’s all smiles again. He claps his hands. “Mom says I can paint my room any color I want.”
“Cool. And what’s the verdict?” When he looks at me in confusion, I add, “What color?”
“Electric blue!”
“Yeesh,” I look up at Ellie, who rolls her eyes, though she’s still smiling. “Good luck with that.” I pause. “Okay, okay. I’ll help.”
I can’t believe it. I look around the house, full of Legos and Pokémon and toy cars and trains, and can’t imagine it going back to a real grown-up place. It’s going to feel so empty.
“I was wondering if you could do a little more than that,” she says quietly, as Jace zooms around the place, pretending to be a dragon, chasing his tail. When I raise an eyebrow, she takes a deep breath and says, “You know that business course I was taking on Mondays?”
I nod.
“It was the introductory course to their business management program. I want to enroll.” She gives me an unsure look and then holds up three fingers, like a boy scout pledge. “For real, this time. I mean, it’s a boring major, but I think it’ll give me a lot of options, job-wise. And I actually didn’t mind the class. It was fun.”
My sister has a certain expression she uses—only rarely—when she’s serious about something. Her eyes go big and there’s a deep crease at the bridge of her nose. The last time I saw it, I think she was trying to convince my parents to let her buy an old Camaro that he boyfriend had fixed up. “And the cost?”
“It’s nothing. Actually, the women’s center’s covering it.”
The women’s center. Tenley. It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask if it’s her.
“And… I’m not asking your permission. I already signed up. I just wanted to let you know. I’d love your help with Jace, but if not, I can probably ask Kelly to—”
“No. Hell no. I’ll help. I’ll always help,” I say, standing up. “I’m… proud of you.”
She stands, too, and I think there might be tears in her eyes. “You are?”
I nod. “Absolutely.”
She’s incredulous, and it strikes me at that moment that I’ve never said those words before. And yet, I’ve always admired her for standing by Jace, trying to be a good mom to him. We don’t do it often, but this seems like the right time. I open my arms and she moves forward, so I fold her into a hug.
“I’ve always been proud of you,” I say to the top of her head.
Not wanting to be left out, Jace joins us, trying to wiggle his way in between us. “Group hug!”
I laugh and pull away. “So, what changed to make you decide to do this?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know. Tenley’s story inspired me, I think. She told me about how her mom was in the same situation I was in and how one little act of kindness from a stranger had turned it all around. I kind of want to be able to pass that on, one day, to someone else. You know?”
I know. Tenley has a way of inspiring a lot of people.
Turning away, silent, I wish I didn’t have to think about her. And yet, it’s not Ellie’s fault, for mentioning her name. Tenley’s in my head, as surely as if she was etched there. I can’t think of anything else. When I go out, every brunette I see, I do a double-take, thinking it’s her. Whenever I’m scrolling through attorney jobs, I wonder if she’s applying for the same ones, and we’re unwittingly competing against each other again. She’s in my bloodstream, and I doubt I’ll ever get her out.
“She helped me, you know.”
I break from my trance to see Ellie, smiling at me. “What?”
“Tenley. She’s the one who helped me get the apartment. I saw her a week ago, at Ted’s. She asked about you.”
I don’t know why, but that lifts my spirits. “She did?”
She leans in. “She loves you.”
“What?”
“She told me that.”
I don’t believe it. After all this time, I thought she might call or text. I’ve looked at my phone a thousand times, hoping. “No, she didn’t.”
“Yes, she did,” Ellie says more forcefully. “Do you love her?”
That’s easy. “Yeah, but…” I know the song says that love is all you need, but… she can’t love me. “She wouldn’t go to Chicago with me.”
Ellie fixes me with a look. “Dude. She has a life here. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.” Ellie rolls her eyes. “I told her she should find someone else. Someone boring, normal… not as thick in the head.”
