Unclutter, page 7
The prospect of unearthing my buried past scared me, but I was willing to take any step necessary to unclutter my mind and life.
“Hi. Do you mind if I take this seat?” a slim guy, a few inches taller than me, with short black hair and glasses, asked me.
I shook my head. “Please go ahead. Take the chair.”
He sat down across from me instead. We drank our beverages in silence. He wasn’t playing with his phone but looking around. A few minutes later, the people at the next table left.
“You can take the other table now, it’s fine,” I told him.
He grinned at me, his smile lighting up his face. “I’m good, thanks.” He paused for a moment. “You seem familiar. Are you from Duckville?”
“No,” I lied.
“I’m from Strollfield, but my boyfriend is from your town,” he continued.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to talk to anyone.
“Ah, now I remember. You’re Ken’s tutor,” the guy exclaimed, making me jump.
I was thankful my hot drink didn’t spill all over me.
“I’m so sorry,” he apologized. “But I was excited to meet the hero that made Ken’s life again.”
I gave him a blank look. I had no idea what he was talking about.
“You’re Tina Lauren, aren’t you? Last year, you tutored Kenneth and Keith, now known as the famous MyWay twin popstars, in mathematics. I met you once after one of those sessions,” he explained. “Both of them had low grades and were banned from continuing in their band until you stepped in. Ken even got an A after you taught him.”
I smiled, remembering whom I was talking to. “Jai Rao? Sorry, I didn’t recognize you. Wow, you’re already in college. I remember Ken telling me you were going to advance a year. The twins are still in their final year of high school, aren’t they? I know they transferred to Strollfield High after they became popstars.”
“That’s correct,” Jai said. “Nice to meet you again. How have you been?”
I didn’t answer his question. “How are Ken and Keith?”
“They’re doing well,” Jai replied. “I think you know that MyWay is a big deal now. Neither can stop singing praises about you.”
“I did nothing. They were good students, who weren’t given a fair chance at math by their teachers.”
He shook his head. “You have no idea how much it changed their lives. They rave to everyone about their high school tutor, who made them fall in love with math.”
I smiled at the compliment. “Thanks.”
“No, thank you. You have a gift of teaching. I hope you pursue it in the future,” Jai said.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I replied.
Jai gave me his card. “If you’re here again, just text me or call me. I work part time at the pathology lab here at the healthcare center.”
I hesitated. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
He smiled at me. “It’s up to you. But I would really like it if you would.”
I shook my head. “You don’t want to be seen with me. I’m called an effing freak by the other students at the university.”
“That’s all the more reason we should be friends,” Jai stated. “The students call me a mute monster.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”
Jai smiled and shook his head. “Don’t be. I like monsters. I used to search for them in my closet when I was a kid…to befriend them.”
“That’s so cute.” I laughed for the first time in weeks. “Alright, Fellow Monster. Don’t regret it later.”
Jai laughed with me. “I don’t think I will, Little Monster.”
Chapter 10
One year later
“Yes, Mom, I promise I’ll be home for Thanksgiving,” I told my mother on the phone. “It’s more than two weeks away.”
“I still don’t understand why you didn’t visit us even once in the last year,” my mother replied.
“I wasn’t ready to face you, or any of our relatives. I had already disappointed you,” I said in a quiet voice.
“But you haven’t harmed yourself in six months, right?” my mother asked, relief evident in her voice.
I nodded. “Yes, that’s correct. And it’s all because of Dr. Kim, therapy, and you. Thanks, Mom.”
“Are you thanking me before I say ‘I told you so’?” my mother asked in a teasing tone.
I laughed. “No, I genuinely mean it. I went to therapy because you urged me to go.”
“No, the credit goes to you. You have worked hard on yourself.”
I sighed. “But I have a long way to go.”
It was hard to believe that it was already a year since my life had turned topsy-turvy. I realized a lot had changed since then: I had started working as an online tutor, which kept my evenings busy. I ate lunch with Jai Rao—the only person I trusted—in the emergency stairwell, and I had a decent roommate with whom I spent a lot of time, albeit quietly.
“Tina, did you zone out again?” my mother asked.
“Sorry, I was just thinking about how much my life has changed over the last year.”
“Don’t worry about the past, dear. Remember, today is a gift,” my mother added after a pause.
We chatted for a bit about the upcoming break. After I hung up, I thought about how “Today is a gift” reminded me of the two people I had tried to avoid this past year: Harriet and Laila. I still got tongue-tied when I saw them on campus, and I cowered and ran away. Seeing them still hurt, and I was afraid that I would burst into tears in front of them.
Not much has changed over the last year, has it?
Of course, it has. I sleep better at night.
True, but the nightmares haven’t stopped completely.
“I have made significant progress, but I have some things I still need to work on,” I concluded aloud.
I heard a knock on my bedroom door.
“Tina, are we still on for movie-binge Friday night?” my roommate, Madison Narine, asked.
“Sure! I’ll be out in five minutes,” I replied.
I changed into my full-length pajamas from my shorts before heading to the living room. Even now, I could wear shorts only when I was alone. Hesitantly, I hooked my fingers into the waistband of my pants to change back to the comfortable Bermudas. Finally, I decided against it and unlocked my room door behind me.
Madison and I watched a suspense series that kept us on the edge of our seats. She and I sat on opposite sides of the loveseat. We sat facing a 30-inch television with a sound bar mounted atop a coffee table. We had purchased everything from a local thrift store and shared the costs. Though it wasn’t a rule, neither of us watched anything new without the other. I was glad that we both enjoyed our entertainment time together and looked forward to it every time.
I appreciated the space that Madison and I gave each other, but also yearned to talk to her at times. I didn’t know anything much about my roommate, other than the fact that she studied dance at Strollfield Dance Academy, part of Strollfield U, and was currently persevering to qualify for a country-wide contest, “Dance Divas.” She lived and breathed dance and was one of the three scholarship students at the academy. Despite her hectic schedule, she made time for her boyfriend, Darma Pranadipa, who attended college an hour away from Strollfield.
I had never asked her any personal questions and had made it clear that I wouldn’t answer anything either. However, as I got to know her, I wished we talked beyond, “I got some milk for you at the store today” or “Don’t wait up for me for dinner.” Whatever we knew about each other was either through observation or what we’d heard in college.
Right now, I could feel Madison looking at me from the corner of her eye, wanting to say something but hesitating. I paused our movie, turned toward her, and smiled, encouraging her to talk.
“Are you alright, Tina?” Madison asked.
I nodded. “Yes, I am.” I frowned slightly, puzzled. “But why are you asking me that?”
“I heard that your project group pulled you out of their team, making you work alone again,” she said, sounding concerned.
I waved a dismissive hand, ignoring the pang in my chest. Even though it had been a year, being isolated still hurt. “Oh, that? Yes, but I’m used to it.”
“I think Nicholas Parker had something to do with it. Otherwise, there’s no way everyone would treat you like that after a year,” Madison reasoned.
I flinched a little at the mention of the name Nicholas Parker but shrugged nonchalantly. “Maybe.”
“I’m sorry I started the topic,” Madison said quietly.
I shook my head. “Don’t be. Thanks for showing me your concern. It feels good that someone cares.” I mentally kicked myself for saying that and embarrassing myself.
“Of course, I care. You’re a wonderful person and don’t deserve to be boycotted by your classmates.” Madison took a deep breath. “Look, Tina, I’m going to let out everything I’ve kept inside me for a year. First of all, kudos to you for shoving that creep, Nicholas Parker. I wish you had broken his teeth. Next, those who fabricated that scandalous sex video should be punished. Not you, who did nothing. Further, as for the self-harm video, everyone should have empathized with you instead of isolating you.”
I stared at my roommate, gobsmacked. I had always wished someone would take my side. However, now that it was happening, I had no idea how to react.
“Say something, please?” Madison urged me. “Your silence is killing me.”
“How I wish I had heard that a year ago,” I said, my voice almost breaking. “But thank you. That means the world to me.”
Madison smiled a little, looking relieved, before turning serious again. “It was about time. One of my classmates transferred out of the university because of that sicko, Parker. I felt guilty for not comforting her when she was nice to me. Then I realized that I hadn’t even once asked if you, someone I see every day, were alright.” She paused for a moment. “I haven’t been able to make new friends since my dad...” Madison trailed off and got up from the couch, tying her long, wavy black hair up into a ponytail nervously. “Anyway, it was nice talking to you.”
I don’t want this conversation to end on such an awkward note. Madison opened up to me a little bit, even though she was uncomfortable. I need to show her that I appreciate the gesture and reciprocate.
I took a deep breath. “I overheard my former friends and that pervert, Parker, discussing how they faked the scandalous video. Since then, I’ve had a hard time trusting anyone.”
Madison’s eyes grew wide in horror. “Oh, my goodness, that’s horrible. I’m so sorry to hear that. You should lodge a complaint against them.”
“I don’t have any proof though,” I said. “I could have tried to search for the obscene video and proved that it was fabricated, but I feel for the actual person in the footage who was dressed as me. She probably got recorded without her consent. So, I decided to let go.”
Madison sat next to me on the couch. “Can I hug you?”
I nodded. I was getting better with touch these days. I put my arms around her petite, slender body awkwardly.
She patted my back. “You deserve better friends. Maybe someone like me?”
My face broke into a wide grin. “Definitely.” I placed my hand on hers. “How about we talk each other’s ears off the next time, instead of watching a movie? After all, both of us have a year of catching up.”
Madison’s honey brown eyes twinkled in delight. “I would love that, Teensy.”
“Is that my new nickname?” I asked with a smile. “I am taller than you, though.”
Madison laughed. “True, but doesn’t it have a nice ring to it? Besides, you have tiny hands.”
I giggled. “Then, you’re Mads.”
That’s how we became Teensy and Mads to each other.
Back in my room, I sat at my desk and admired my personal paradise before my online tutoring session started. Compared to a year ago, it was no longer boring and bleak. My pale pastel clothes were gone, replaced by vibrant colors. I had filled the walls with display boards—inspired by the Recharge Café—and pinned photographs and notes on them. My favorite part of it was the “thank you” messages from my students when they did well. When I needed a boost of confidence, I would read everything on there to make me feel better.
After the class, I opened my journal to write three good things that happened to me today. Dr. Kim, my therapist, encouraged me to jot down the positives in my life. At first, this was a herculean task, but it was getting easier every day. I smiled and scribbled in my diary, because today, I had a lot to fill in.
***
The following Monday, Jai and I ate lunch in silence at our usual spot in the stairwell. It was a secluded spot, just outside the cafeteria, but without the hustle and bustle. Occasionally, we saw a couple enjoying their privacy or quarreling with each other, but most times, it was just us. Though it was not ideal for university students to eat here, it was a good place to enjoy a quiet meal in peace.
I was upset, and I could see Jai noticed. But we concentrated only on our food while we ate. We had prepared lunch for each other. Jai had made me a bowl of Indian rice vermicelli noodles, which was still warm after reheating in the cafeteria microwave oven.
I slurped the noodles from my chopsticks and smacked my lips. The sauce was a perfect balance of spicy, savory, and tangy. The vegetables were perfectly cooked and retained a bite, just the way I liked them. I closed my eyes when I felt the pleasant taste of mustard seeds coat my mouth with their nutty flavor.
Jai was enjoying the Bhutanese dish I had made for him—ema datshi. The standard version had yak’s cheese, but my mother’s recipe contained goat cheese and a blend of other types of locally available cheese. I smiled as I watched Jai gorge on the comforting veggie stew with pieces of meat that melted in the mouth. I wasn’t a great cook, but I had mastered this delicacy.
“What should we make for each other next?” Jai asked, smacking his lips.
I chuckled. “I can make you my favorite momos—dumplings with succulent meat and juicy veggies. But that tastes better when piping hot.”
“My mouth is watering at the sound of it,” Jai said. He picked up his ringing phone. “I need to take this call. I’ll be right back.”
My mind wandered back to this morning when Rory had come to my class unannounced, and I had run to the ladies’ room to avoid him. A flood of mixed emotions flowed through me. I was angry to see him but glad he was alright, despite his breakup with Harriet. Rory had texted me every once in a while over the past year, but I had not replied. I held a grudge against him for not being on my side back then.
That was a year ago, Tina. Besides, Rory did not betray me.
But it was because of him that—
“Tina, my roommate wants to talk to you. Is that okay?” Jai broke into my thoughts, handing me his phone.
I gave him a puzzled look and took it. “Hello?”
“Hi, T.”
I froze when I heard the voice. Then I glanced up at Jai. Rory was his roommate?
Rory spoke in a quiet voice. “I hope we can talk. I am at the university cafeteria.”
I saw Rory waiting for me at a corner table a few minutes later. He was unshaven, and that stubble didn’t look groomed. His eyes had lost their liveliness, and he looked pale. His mouth curled up in a smile when he saw me.
“Hi, T,” Rory greeted.
“What do you want from me?” I asked, sounding curt.
“It’s been over a year since you moved out and stopped talking to me,” he answered me. “I miss you.”
“Are you just remembering me, now that your girlfriend ditched you?” I retorted.
Ouch, that was harsh.
But it is the truth.
I softened a little. “Sorry, that was rude.”
Rory shook his head. “No, I deserve it. I’ve been a terrible friend.”
Oh, so you realize that now?
I shrugged. “I’ve moved on, and so should you.”
Rory took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for not being there for you when you needed me the most. I wish I could go back in time and mend everything—”
“There’s no point dwelling on the past.”
There was an uncomfortable silence, and I was about to get up when he spoke again.
“T, can we give our friendship another chance?” Rory asked quietly.
I could see he was remorseful, but I didn’t want to get hurt again. At the same time, I didn’t want to regret missing this chance to mend our friendship.
“I’ll try, R, but don’t expect us to get back to being best friends again,” I replied.
Rory nodded. “Trying is good.”
Chapter 11
“The nightmares still haunt me at night, Dr. Kim. They haven’t stopped,” I informed my therapist during my session the next day.
“What do you do when you get them, Tina?” Dr. Kim asked.
“I tell myself that I’m safe in my room and that they can’t get to me.”
Dr. Kim smiled. “See, that’s progress.”
I shook my head. “I’m still afraid of touch. I was awkward when I hugged Madison the other day.”
“Isn’t that progress too? Would you have hugged her at all before?” Dr. Kim questioned me gently.
“But what if I relapse? What if I harm myself again?” I let out the storm of questions haunting my mind.
“What have you done when such thoughts came to your mind in the last six months?” Dr. Kim questioned me back.
“It wasn’t easy. I used to harm myself every time I heard the clutter of contradicting voices inside my head. Now, I cry and write down everything on my mind to let those pent-up emotions out. When I do that, I hear a loud and clear voice inside my mind that says, ‘I’m going to be alright, I will get through this, and I’ll be there for myself even if no one else is,’” I replied.
