Sharon Green - Terrillian 04, page 10
“I thought you three said it was so wonderful?”
“We deemed it wonderful to give pleasure to you, wench,” he answered, still clearly amused. “Each of us was able to feel your great unhappiness, and wished to give you a thing to be proud of. For us your effort was filled with true excellence, for we measured the desire behind the effort rather than the doing itself.”
“You all lied to make me feel better,” I accused, but the accusation brought only a silly smile and a feeling of true warmth. “Thank you for doing something that-foolish. “
“To give others pleasure is never foolish, hama,” he said with an answering smile, no least feeling of insult in him at being accused of lying. “Finish quickly, now, so that I may give pleasure to another.”
“And of course take nothing for yourself,” I agreed with a laugh, then went back to the awful stew. It wasn’t absolutely awful, just badly seasoned and a little overcooked, but that put it way out of the running as far as regular Rimilian cooking went. It annoyed me that I hadn’t been able to get it right even with Dallan right there to help, and I made the decision to try just a little harder next time. After that the bowl was taken away from me, and all the following decisions were made by someone absolutely determined to give someone else pleasure.
Chapter 4
I carried both sets of furs out of the camtah the next morning, already having folded them, wishing I was wearing them instead of simply carrying them. It was cold at that early hour, really cold, and everyone was feeling it. I, however, was also feeling something else, and for the life of me couldn’t understand why.
“Hai, calmly, good beast, calmly,” I suddenly heard from over near the seetarr, Dallan’s voice struggling to be soothing. The pack animal he was working on had rumbled warningly with a good deal of anger, and even l’lendaa walked carefully in the presence of an angry seetar. I headed over there to see what was going on, but was stopped before I could reach Dallan.
“Come no closer, wenda, ” he warned me, giving the angry seetar all his attention, but nevertheless knowing I was there. “I have not the faintest notion what ails this beast, therefore are you to remain well away from him.”
“I have no need to approach the nearer,” I told Dallan, having stopped beside the barbarian’s giant black mount to put a hand to his sleek neck while he nuzzled at my hair. “The seetar is in discomfort from the last pack strap tightened, and wishes to be eased. I will soothe him, and then you may adjust the strap.”
I touched the angry animal with my mind, letting him feel more clearly the concern being put out by the man holding his lead so carefully, and he seemed to calm down almost immediately. His previous anger began puzzling him then, knowing as he did that the man he served would have adjusted the strap at the least sign of discomfort on his part, just as he had already done any number of times before. Dallan hesitated very briefly, his mind almost as puzzled as the seetar’s, then he immediately fixed the strap while the beast stood quietly and allowed it. As soon as that was done, he left the seetar to stop in front of me.
“What occurs here?” he demanded, dubiously eyeing the way the head of Tammad’s mount rose above mine with a soft rumble of warning meant to tell him to watch himself. “That seetar is one I have used as a pack beast ever since it was fully grown. For what reason would it come so near to being enraged with me, and for what reason does Tammad’s beast believe I would mean you harm? Why are the seetarr suddenly so strange?”
“The seetarr are not alone in being strange,” I said, automatically calming the big black standing over me as first Cinnan and then Tammad came to join our discussion. They’d seen what went on and had heard Dallan’s question, and were wearing frowns almost identical to his.
“What disturbs you, hama?” Tammad asked, looking down at me with real concern.
“I am able to feel your disturbance, yet cannot make out the nature of it.”
“What disturbs me is that the depression I struggled beneath all of yesterday has again returned,” I told him, putting one hand to my head. “That there is no reason for such a feeling is more disturbing still, and I find myself growing angered at the same time. Perhaps what I feel is in some manner being passed to the seetarr.”
“That may perhaps be so,” he mused, looking down at me thoughtfully. “Shield your mind completely, so that we may see what, if any, results there are.”
“An excellent thought,” I said at once, and as soon as the decision was made my shield was there, cutting me off from the minds around me. Immediately, all six of the seetarr seemed to settle down, that indefinable air of tension draining away like water in dry sand. The big black standing over me like a giant guardsman sighed and lowered his head, then snorted a greeting to the man who usually meant so much to him. Immediately, the depression and anger I’d been feeling began easing off, obviously about to disappear altogether. I looked up at the barbarian ruefully, feeling like an idiot for not having thought of that myself, but there was no accusation in the grin he showed me, only a sort of wryness.
“It seems I am no longer the possessor of the facility with wendaa which once was mine,” he said, putting a gentle hand to my face. “Was this not so, your disturbance would have long since been replaced with pleasure.”
“Your clumsiness and ineptitude in the furs are well known among all wendaa who have been used by you,” I agreed soberly, remembering how wild he had gotten me the night before. “The fact remains, however, that with my shield in place, I am as undisturbed as the seetarr. It would please me to know what occurs here.”
“You, too, are no longer disturbed?” Dallan asked, rescuing me from the look I was getting from Tammad over my jocular reference to his abilities. “Then the seetarr were indeed unsettled through your mind. For what reason was your mind so unsettled?”
“I know not,” I told him honestly, then thought of one possibility. “Perhaps my misgivings over this journey have now magnified to the point of affecting me and those around me without my being aware of it. I certainly continue to feel them strongly enough.”
“Despite my assurances that your fears are unfounded?” Tammad asked, his expression its usual calm, but his eyes faintly annoyed. “Perhaps you had cause to feel so before we spoke, yet now … . “
“The woman feared to accompany us?” Cinnan interrupted, his expression disturbed. “Had I known this when I requested her presence, Tammad, I would willingly have withdrawn the request. There was little need to …”
“Fears must be faced if they are to be conquered, Cinnan,” the barbarian interrupted in turn, trying to soothe the other man. “The wenda is now as well aware of this as we, and also must it be remembered that we may require her assistance in locating Aesnil. She does not accompany us on a whim. “
“This entire matter continues to seem strange,” Dallan said, staring at the barely rising sun without seeing it. “Of what did the woman’s fears consist?”
“She feared that if she accompanied us there would be difficulty for us to face,” the barbarian answered, now definitely annoyed. “Likely the thought of a dark-haired, green-eyed wenda being taken among so many strange l’lendaa with none save three beside her disturbed her, yet is she no more than vaguely aware of the skill possessed by the three she so easily dismisses. Are you also of the opinion that there will be those who are able to take her from my side?”
“Certainly not,” Dallan said with a snort and a gesture of dismissal; then he moved his eyes back to me. “Is this the sole content of your fears, Terril?
That there will be difficulty brought about by your presence?”
“Indeed, yet not for the proposed reason,” I said, sending the barbarian a glance filled with my own annoyance. “Had I remained behind the difficulty would not have touched youyet would you also not have found Aesnil. Damn!”
The last word, spoken in Centran, startled them all, but I was too furiously frustrated to care. I hadn’t known I was going to say that about Aesnil until the words were out, but now that I’d said it I could feel the truth of it. If I didn’t go they’d never find Aesnil, and that despite the fact that I’d never had any intention of helping them. If I kept getting these flashes of bits and pieces it would eventually drive me crazy-even if I survived whatever was ahead of me. I hugged the furs I was holding with a strength fierce enough to strangle whatever was doing that to me, then became aware of the stares from three pairs of eyes.
“And what leads you to believe, wenda, that my Aesnil will never be found should you not accompany us?” Cinnan asked, looking at me oddly. “She is Chama of Grelana, and well aware of the position. Do you believe she would forsake her people-and the man whose bands she wears-forever?”
“I-feel that she would eventually return, yet not in a manner you would wish,”
I said, groping for the right words. “I do not mean to upset you, Cinnan, yet what comes to me comes by itself, at its own pace and in its own time. I know of it in the same manner I know that Aesnil rides to Vediaster, yet beyond that?”
My shrug really annoyed him, his expression making me glad that my shield was tightly closed, but there was nothing any of us could do to change things. All three of the men were dissatisfied with what I’d said, and that made four of us. Standing around discussing it any more would have been a waste of time, though, so we quickly broke camp and moved on.
The only difference between that day and the day before was the presence of sleeping furs draped handily across saddles, and the fact that Tammad sat me sideways in front of him instead of astride behind him. Sitting that way let me hold my own fur around me while the barbarian kept me from falling off, and also made my legs and feet warmer. As soon as I was settled we started off with Cinnan leading again and Dallan following, and once we’d picked up the road pace, I could feel two eyes looking down at me.
“So your presence has now become necessary,” the barbarian mused, his tone almost as odd as Cinnan ‘s had been. “Had you not accompanied us, we would not be able to find Aesnil. “
“Believe me, I didn’t plan it that way,” I assured him, moving against the two arms holding me to his chest. “I’m going to turn just a little so that I’m leaning against you with my back instead of my front. Watching where we’re going might ease the monotony just a little.”
“The situation is not of your choosing, yet do you seem little disturbed by it,” he said, his arms tightening just a small bit to keep me from moving as I wanted to. “in truth your appearance seems one of pleasure, to find that your importance has grown so considerably.”
I looked up at him then, to see those eyes on me rather than just feel them, but I couldn’t quite read the expression in them.
“I hadn’t looked at it that way, but I think you’re right,” I conceded, suddenly feeling better than I had. “Not only am I not extra baggage, we now know you three can’t get along without me. Maybe the next thing I’ll find out is that I don’t need l’lenda lessons, but can give them.”
I grinned at the thought, not much believing in the possibility but liking the way it sounded, then noticed that my grin wasn’t being shared. My memabrak still wore the same expression he’d been wearing a moment ago, but now there seemed to be faint amusement behind it.
“And what were you told concerning the place of a wenda?” he asked, the amusement in him doing nothing to soften his stare or take the decisiveness out of his tone. “A wenda who is not and shall not be considered l’lenda””
“It isn’t my fault if things aren’t turning out the way you want them to,” I retorted, still feeling very comfortable. “I didn’t make the decision to be important, it just happened, and if someone’s meant to be important there’s nothing you can do about it. Now, will you please loosen your hold a little so I can turn around?”
“Release my hold upon one who is meant to be so important?” he asked, brows raised high in feigned surprise. “Never would Cinnan forgive me if I were to do such a thing, and risk the one who will enable him to recover his woman.
You must be kept safe, wenda, for the destiny which is yours.”
“But I want to see where we’re going,” I insisted, finding it impossible to struggle while wrapped inside that fur. “Tammad, let me go.”
“I shall not,” he answered, and I could swear he was just short of laughing out loud. “Great importance calls for equally great strength to bear the load, therefore shall you require a good deal of rest to gather that strength. You will have that rest during this journey, hama, for that you have my word.”
“You wouldn’t!” I wailed, suddenly understanding what he was up to, but it was much too late. Held between his arms and wrapped in a fur, all I’d get to see of what was around us would be his chest and arm and any rock or tree that rose above his shoulder. I was being punished for trying to step out of my place, and I couldn’t decide if this punishment was better or worse than getting strapped. Just sitting there and staring at nothing is so boring.
Despite the fact that the sun rose higher and higher, the air around us kept getting colder and colder. After a while all three of the men drew their furs around them, but we didn’t stop while they did it. The cold was so intense we were almost able to see our own breath, something I’d heard it was possible to do on the planet Medrin. Happily Medrin had never needed Mediating by a Prime, so I’d never had to see that for myself. The road continued upward and we followed the road, and all there was was movement and cold.
And boredom. I was furious with the barbarian for punishing me like that, but what can a normal-sized person do when an overgrown monster says no and sticks to it? Just once I’d tried looking over my shoulder instead of actually turning around, but a quiet, “Wenda,” had put an immediate end to that idea.
If I tried getting out of that particular punishment, there was always another one that could be substituted for it, one that would make the hard leather saddle I half-sat on a lot harder and more difficult to bear. So I sat between the Barbarian’s supporting arms with my fur held around me, leaning against his chest, and simply sulked.
But sulking is boring too, especially when no one cares that you’re sulking.
There was absolutely nothing to do-except try to find out what was affecting my mind. I brightened immediately when I thought of that, but didn’t rush into dissolving my shield. I find no attraction in depression even as an alternate to boredom, and now that I was rid of that horribly flattening emotion, I didn’t care to invite it back.
The first order of business was to think about what had been happening to me; considering the fact that I neither really knew nor understood any of it, that wasn’t an easy chore. I’d told Dallan that my upset over the trip might have been causing the trouble, but after thinking about it that didn’t make any sense. If that were so, shielding my mind would have stopped the seetarr from being upset, but it wouldn’t have done the same for me. I was locked inside with my fears and apprehensions, but all I felt was bored and rebellious. No, nothing inside me could have caused the depression, so where had it come from?
The only logical alternative had to be an outside source. I freed one hand from the furs and ran a finger back and forth over the soft, thick material of Tammad’s shirt at rib height, trying to think of an outside source that could have been affecting me. It wasn’t the people around me as none of them had been feeling depressed, and the only animals in mental reach had been the seetarr. It was possible the seetarr had been picking up my emotions and echoing them back to me in a reinforcing pattern that increased their strength, but that still didn’t feel exactly right. There was something else involved, something I just wasn’t seeing, something I might never see. For all I knew the mountain rock all around was doing the echoing, bouncing my output all around and intensifying it, affecting me and the seetarr but not the three men, two of whom were latents with correspondingly less sensitivity, and the last one who tended to shield his mind automatically with a cloud of calm. It didn’t make much sense that way either, but none of what was happening made sense. As a possibility it was a definite possibility, and if it turned out to be true there was something that might keep it from happening again. The curtain that had developed when I needed it was designed to keep outside thoughts and distractions away from my working mind, but it also might be able to keep all but deliberate projections on the inside. It was definitely worth a try, and if it didn’t work I could always shield again.
I worked for a few minutes at feeling a need for that curtain, then gritted my teeth and let my shield dissolve. At first I wasn’t sure if my deliberate need had done the job, and then I became aware of what was being felt around me, but filtered as though through a heavy veil. Cinnan was lost in thoughts that were half anxious and half angry, Dallan was relaxed but also busy with mental exercise, and the seetarr were almost as bored as I was. With the curtain in place, I was protected from the world but not cut off from it the way being shielded accomplished, and apparently the world was also protected from me.
The rock walls towered over us quietly, the seetarr were unaffected, and I felt nothing of incipient depression. The grand experiment was a success, and now I was free to look around.
At absolutely nothing. The emotions all around were about as exciting as the scenery, and that included the big barbarian who held me. He was back to plotting and planning with only a small portion of his attention set to make sure I obeyed him, his awareness of my leaning against him closed away at the back of his mind. For a minute I seriously considered experimenting to pass the time, but without Len or Garth there that wasn’t a very good idea. From previous experience I knew there were less painful ways of committing suicide than tampering with involuntary volunteers, and I no longer had the depression as a goad toward permanent ending. All I had was boredom, which doesn’t produce the wish for death, only the eager hope that something that exciting might happen.
