Desire, page 25
Dozens of emotions ran across her face; hurt, surprise, anger. But when she talked, it was passion that radiated from her and her voice was teasing, “You know I’m not a virgin, right? And it’s kinda nice you think you can take without me giving willingly.”
Kylan took a swing of his beer, the liquid in his mouth keeping him from babbling out more shit. Of course he knew she wasn’t a virgin. It was obvious, but she still had a light inside her that he craved, he needed, and he was afraid that his action would damage her.
“Kylan,” she reached for his hand over the table, “you won’t destroy me.”
“You don’t know that.” He stood to make more distance between them, but it was the wrong move because Alana stood too and wrapped her arms around his neck.
“I do.” She tilted her head up. “I want you.” She brushed her lips against his. “I need you.”
Need. She had no idea how much he needed her. How much he loved her. No. He didn’t. He couldn’t. Love only caused pain, and it was a weakness. It wouldn’t end well.
“Alana,” he whispered, the words, the confession of his feelings, were at the tip of his tongue. “I…”
She pulled back, looking into his eyes, waiting for him to finish what he started, but he couldn’t. There was no way he’d say it. So he kissed her, invading her mouth and pulling her body to his to keep himself from talking. She opened up to him without a moment of hesitation, returning the passion, adding to the heat. Her fingers dug into his hair, pulling him even closer, deepening their kiss.
He guided her to the bed, never breaking their kiss, and laid her onto her back. Their tongues danced in a frantic rhythm, and the need to be with her suppressed everything else. All his fears, his doubts, his reasons seemed unimportant, as Alana’s hands discovered his skin, her soft fingertips tracing the scars on his back. She didn’t hesitate or pull away as she touched the marks of his past, the only visible traces of the darkness that lived inside his soul. His hands were rough against the soft skin of her belly and when he caressed the soft mound of her breast, Alana broke the kiss and gasped, the sound adding more to his growing need.
To take away the painful edge of his throbbing cock, Kylan pressed himself against her, gaining a pleasure filled moan in return.
The more Alana’s hands and lips wandered on his body, the closer he got to losing control, but the tiny voice in his head awakened, listing all the reasons he shouldn’t do it.
“Kylan,” she whispered, her voice deep and raw with passion. “Please.”
He pulled away, searching her eyes, wanting to know what that plea meant, but he saw nothing but need. A need so deep that it hurt and echoed his own. And he saw love. Pure, innocent, delightful love. His heart fluttered, and he wanted to take more of that love, sucking it in to keep him from sinking back into the darkness.
And those emotions scared him. Not just his, but hers too. How could she love him? He wasn’t worthy of her love. Or anyone’s, really.
“I can’t.” He stood, ignoring her flushed body and the need in her eyes. “I’m sorry.”
Kylan turned and hurried out of the room, grabbing his cigarettes on the way. His place was in Defreine, not here, in this dreamlike life, with someone so good as Alana. This wasn’t his path. He’d chosen a different one many years ago. And despite his newly found need to change directions, he couldn’t. It was too late.
The moment he stepped outside, he closed his eyes to take a deep, calming breath of the warm, but clean, early summer night air. He’d sleep outside if he had to, or with the horses, but he couldn’t go back to that room.
“I didn’t take you as a man of abstinence.”
Kylan turned, recognizing Tom’s voice. He looked beat, tired, and the cocky smile that he was trying to sell didn’t really work.
“Unless that quite impressive bulge is from the fresh air.”
Kylan snorted. “I didn’t think you cared about my sex life.”
Tom shrugged. “I don’t. But Alana does, so she talks.”
Kylan summoned a small flame on the tip of his finger and lit his cigarette. There was nothing to say about that, and since he wasn’t babbling like an idiot, he assumed the effects of the tea wore off.
“You had ginger on you.”
“Yes. I had a little. Thankfully. How did you know?”
Tom stepped up to him, lifting something that resembled a joint to his lips, and nodded to Kylan, so he lifted his hand and lit it for him.
Tom took a long puff before saying, “You didn’t start spilling all your secrets after you drank the tea. And ginger is the best choice to slow down the effect of most potions. The question is, how did you know and why did you have ginger?”
Kylan shrugged. “I got a basic education about witch magic. Potions, herbs, their effects, stuff like this. And most of the time I have ginger on me. For the reason you just said.”
At the corner of the building, Kylan saw something move, but before he could make out the details, it disappeared.
“Did you see it?”
“See what?”
“There was movement.” He pointed to the corner.
“Probably just an alley cat or something.”
“Yeah, probably.” Kylan looked at the joint in Tom’s hand when the smoke wafted over to him. “Is that weed?”
“My own blend.” Tom half-shrugged. “Helps keep the nightmares at bay.”
Kylan nodded, knowing all too well what Tom was talking about. “Was it your first one? Losing someone like that?”
“The first I saw.”
Kylan nodded again. Death had been a normal thing for him. Processing those emotions that came with it was the part he wasn’t used to. But after not using the Rune for almost two months, he knew those feelings would ease and there was a way out of the darkness Tom was facing.
“The first one sucks the most.” Kylan finished his cigarette and forced himself to use the bowl of sand that served as an ashtray instead of just burning the cigarette butt.
“That’s what I’ve been told.”
Kylan put a hand on Tom’s shoulder and gave him a reassuring look. The whole exchange lasted for a second, but the man’s eyes softened and his shoulders relaxed some. It almost felt like the invisible wall between them cracked. Maybe if they tried, they could find a common ground. If for nothing else, then for Alana’s sake.
Since he wasn’t ready to go back inside, and he wasn’t in the mood to chat with Tom, he decided to take a walk. That shadow he’d seen bothered him. At the corner of the building, where Tom couldn’t see him anymore, he looked around, and when he was sure no one was around, he shifted.
For a minute, the smells overwhelmed him. He almost turned back into his human form, but he caught the scent of a humanoid demon.
He followed the trail it left behind, carefully looking around before turning every corner. A lion wandering around was suspicious, but as in such a little town, most people were asleep. He only saw a few drunk men in front of a bar.
“Dude, there is a lion!” one of the men yelled.
“There aren’t any lions in this area. You’re drunk.”
“I swear I saw a lion turning in that corner!”
“And I saw a shark yesterday peeking from the sewers.”
Kylan smiled at the drunk men’s conversation.
The scent led him to a dead end. He must’ve taken the wrong turn somewhere. Stalking back a few streets, he found a new trail and followed it. For his biggest surprise, it led him to Eliza’s house. The lights were still on in the kitchen. He knew something was off with her. He shifted back into human and sneaked to the window.
“We can’t risk losing his son.”
Kylan heard Eliza’s voice. He leaned closer to see more. The witch sat with her back to him, blocking whoever she was talking to from his view.
“You don’t understand. I can’t risk it.”
Eliza stood, revealing a little fluffy blue demon with enormous eyes.
Fuck. Kylan dodged when the creature’s head turned in the direction of the window.
“What did you sense?” Eliza asked.
Kylan shifted and vanished into the shadows before the woman could reach the window. A Thinker demon in Eliza’s house couldn’t mean anything good. He had to figure out how to tell this to the others.
Chapter 34
Kylan
It was late afternoon when they reached the forest. Kylan barely noticed Alana and Tom talking on the way. He didn’t tell them what he’d seen at Eliza’s. He didn’t know how. Eero made protectors join him, by offering everything they wanted; freedom, usage of magic out in the open, respect from people. And Eero’s offer was tempting. After all, Kylan was the one who had helped his father work on the details. But what he’d seen didn’t make any sense. It didn’t fit into Eero’s plan. Why send a humanoid? Was his father afraid he couldn’t trust this witch? Why? And Thinkers? Was something in her mind Eero wanted to find out?
The more he thought about it, the more questions he had. And none of them were good, or helped him decide what his next step should be.
“… looks fine to me. What do you think?” Alana appeared in front of him. “Kylan. What do you think?”
“About what?” He shook his head as he looked up, the tension from last night thick between them.
“The field. It looks good enough to make camp.”
“It does,” Kylan said, running his gaze on the edge of the forest, searching for the best path to climb the hill to the portal. It wouldn’t be a hard climb, but the path was rocky enough they needed to leave the horses behind.
“Are you alright?” Alana stepped next to him, leading her horse to the stream.
“I’m fine. Why?”
“You haven’t said a word all day.”
“I have nothing to say.”
“Don’t do this again.”
“Do what exactly?” He unmounted Nightsky and pulled an apple from his bag.
“Get distant again. Don’t shut me out.”
Kylan shook his head. “Don’t give me this crap again, Alana.”
“But I can see something is bothering you. Is it about last night?”
The knife slipped in his hand, cutting his finger instead of the apple. Sucking his finger into his mouth, he snarled. “Have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe, I like silence? Or I don’t feel the need to share every stupid thought that pops up in my mind?”
Alana opened her mouth, but closed it without saying a word.
“That’s what I thought.”
Why was it so hard to understand that he liked his emotions bottled up? Last night had been a mistake. Both the sharing and the make-out session. She loved him. That was obvious from the way she’d looked at him. But not all of him. Alana never saw beyond his good side.
And now that he’d shared, even if it hadn’t been willing, he’d opened a door he couldn’t close again. Having sex with her would only complicate things further. Because if he went down that road, there was no way his heart would survive.
“We won’t make it back to town before night.” He looked at Tom as he started setting up his tent. “Next time clarify morning.”
“Before noon is morning,” Tom said without a hint of guilt.
“I’ll set up the tents,” Alana said quickly before they broke out in an argument, placing her hand on Kylan’s arm. “Why don’t you tend to the horses?”
Warm vibration spread down his arm to his injured finger and Alana gave him a wink before letting him go. It had been just a tiny cut, but it was nice of Alana to heal him. Before he went off to the horses, he caressed her cheek, tugging a lock of hair that had escaped her braid behind her ear.
While he tethered and brushed off the horses, Tom walked away, drawing symbols into the ground and casting spells causing the scent of sage, rosemary, and lavender to fill the air.
“I’m sorry.” Alana walked next to him after finishing setting up the tents.
“It’s okay.” He went to wash his hands, mostly to keep his emotions under control.
Alana followed him, not letting it go. “No, it’s not okay, Kylan. Why are you pushing me away?”
He squatted at the stream, fighting back his anger. “Because this isn’t a good idea.” He glanced up at her. “I’m not boyfriend material.”
“Don’t you think I have a say in that?” She folded her arms in front of her breasts.
“Not really.”
Alana rolled her eyes, but Tom cut in. “Let’s go so we can make it back before sunset. I don’t want to be out in the open after dusk.”
Alana nodded and turned to her tent. “This conversation isn’t over.”
Kylan tilted his head back and looked at the sky. Women were so complicated. All this talk about feelings and relationships was draining. Why couldn’t she let it go and accept that he wouldn’t go further? His self-control was hanging on by a thin thread and, with every minute he spent next to her, that thread was growing thinner. There was no way he could keep himself away from her for long without the Rune.
In his tent, Kylan pulled out the uniform Alana had given him. It still held the stench of the potion that allowed the fabric and everything on it to shift with him. The dark graphite gray dicralux pants and the long sleeve top weren’t so different from his uniform at home; both were designed for him and his fighting style, making it easier to carry his weapons, and move freely while he fought. A silver P in a crescent moon was woven into the fabric above his heart and guilt bubbled up inside him as he ran his finger along the silver lines. He wasn’t part of their organization. He didn’t deserve their symbol. But he had no choice but to wear the uniform. He tucked knives into his boots, one in each, then strapped another to his right thigh before buckling his sword belt and finally fixing two throwing knives at his waist.
Dressed and armed, he exited his tent, pulling his hair up in a half-bun.
“You look handsome.” Alana smiled at him and stole a quick kiss.
Her uniform looked pretty much as his, except it hugged her body like a second skin, and she had two short swords strapped to her back, with only a slender knife at her hip.
“Thanks,” Kylan said. “Are you sure it’s okay for me to wear this?”
“It wasn’t just her decision.” Tom emerged from his tent, bow in hand, magic still gleaming in his green eyes, making them look like emeralds. His uniform was designed to support archery, with one sleeve ending in a fingerless glove and the other protecting two of his fingers from the string. “You’re with us. You wear the symbol. Even if it’s temporary.”
“Are you sure you have enough arrows?” Kylan asked, eyeing the three quivers strapped to the man. “And no sword?”
“We’ll see,” Tom said. “I have my stilettos.” He reached behind his back, pulling out one of the slender daggers.
“Are those pure estril?” Kylan’s gaze was fixed on the light silver-blue metal.
Tom winked. “Jealous?”
Kylan laughed, pulling out his sword enough to show the same metal. “Just a little.”
Alana pouted. “It’s not fair you both have estril weapons.”
Since he couldn’t resist the cuteness of her expression, Kylan pressed a small kiss onto her lips. “Maybe one day soon you’ll have one too.”
“I can’t afford it,” she muttered.
Kylan nodded, understanding well how she felt. Estril was the rarest metal in the world, and extremely difficult to forge. He’d been lucky to find enough of the raw metal to make his sword, a knife for his brother, and save some for later. Which was safely hidden in his room back in Ugresh, so there was no way he could forge anything for Alana. And it most certainly wasn’t enough for two short swords.
“Let’s go.” Kylan nodded towards the trees, glancing up at the sky. Thanks to Tom’s unique definition of morning, which had been almost noon, the sun was already low in the sky. And, like Tom, he didn’t want to be out in the open when the sun set, although he had a gut feeling that it didn’t matter.
The forest became darker with every minute as the sun lowered on the sky and they climbed the rocks up to the glade where the portal stood. Kylan didn’t like what he saw and smelled. Demon marks covered almost every tree, and there wasn’t a single scent near them that resembled a forest animal. Everything smelled of death and animal-demons. Maybe he should tell them what he’d seen at Eliza’s house. But first, they needed to get back to the safety of Tom’s spell.
“We should turn back. We can go further tomorrow.”
Alana walked past him. “We aren’t that far.”
Tom stopped next to him, worry and doubt shadowing his features.
“Alana, please.” Kylan grabbed her wrist and turned her to face him. “I have a bad feeling about this. We should go back. I’d feel safer behind Tom’s protection spell.”
“It’s five minutes away.” She pulled her hand out of his grasp.
With a shake of his head, he tried again. “Do you see those marks over there?” Kylan pointed at a tree.
“Yes.” Alana shrugged.
“Those are probably wolf-demon claw marks. And there,” he pointed up. “is a thorn. From a bird-demon, probably a hawk. And I saw some huge tracks earlier, and I hope I’m wrong, but those tracks were made by bear-demons.” He sighed. “Please, Alana, just this once, don’t argue with me and turn back.”
Kylan glanced back at Tom for help. After what had happened in these woods, Kylan hoped that he’d at least put some effort into convincing Alana.
He shook his head and shrugged. “I want to get out of these woods as soon as possible.”
Kylan ran his hand through his hair and let it fall to his side. “I’ve been tracking demons for eight years. I know what I’m talking about. Don’t make me drag you back to the camp.”
“I would love to see you try.” Alana put his hand on her hip and lifted her chin.
“Why do you have to be so stubborn?” Kylan sighed and followed Alana.
The moment they reached the glade, Kylan knew something was wrong. Very, very wrong. The ground around the portal was black, burned with ancient magic. He didn’t need to be a witch to feel the energy rolling off the pillar in the middle. The symbols on it weren’t familiar to him, but he recognized the twelve gems on the surface. A part of him wanted to approach and run his fingers over the portal, but he resisted the urge to go closer.
