Diamond, page 16
I wanted to ask her where she’d bought it, but when I followed her into her office, I remembered why I was there. And I got scared all over again.
She said, “So, I understand that we’re going to have a talk today,” then pointed for me to sit on the couch.
The way she said that, I wanted to tell her that this wasn’t my idea. If she wanted me to go home, I would gladly do that.
“My mom said you wanted to talk to me.”
“I do. I would think that you would want to talk to me, too.”
No, I don’t, was what I said on the inside. But on the outside, I said, “I guess.”
“Good,” Pastor Ford said. “Why don’t you start?”
Start what? I didn’t want to start a thing. It was bad enough that I had to listen, but my plan wasn’t to do much talking. I just planned to take my beating and then get to the rehearsal if Pastor Ford was going to let me stay with the group.
Pastor Ford was looking at me like she expected me to say something. “Uh, I don’t know where to begin,” I said.
Okay, see, I was brilliant. Now Pastor Ford would have to be first. She could just start her lecture and I could just listen and get this over with.
Pastor said, “Begin at the beginning.”
I guess I wasn’t as smart as I thought I was. Or maybe it was just that Pastor was smarter.
“Well, I met this boy.”
“Jason Xavier.”
I knew my parents had told our pastor, but dang. They had named names!
“Yes.”
The way my pastor looked at me, I knew that wasn’t enough. Even I was getting tired of all of this stalling. So, I did what Pastor said. I began at the beginning. Told her everything. About how I’d been watching Jax ever since I got to high school. How he was the star basketball player. How he started talking to me. And then really talking to me. And finally, how I’d broken the vow to stay a virgin until I was married.
By the time I finished, I thought I’d be crying. But I wasn’t. I guess I’d cried so much yesterday that there was really nothing left to cry about. It was done, over. I needed to move on.
Still, if Pastor told me that I could never sing again for her or her church, I wouldn’t have minded. I was just so tired of this drama. I wished there was a way I could begin all over again. Start my life—or at least this school year—over.
I waited for Pastor Ford to say something, but she just stayed real quiet. Like she was so mad, she couldn’t even think of anything to say. I wondered if she would ever speak to me again. Wondered if she would make me and my parents and my brother leave the church for good. I kind of knew all of this stuff I was thinking was ridiculous. There were other people in the church sleeping around; I heard the grown-ups talking about it all the time. But still, I couldn’t help thinking this way. Guess Jax had my mind all messed up.
“Have you prayed?”
Now those were not the first words I expected her to say. “No.”
“Well, that’s where we need to start.” Pastor grabbed my hand and bowed her head. All I could do was follow her. “Heavenly Father, we come to You today with praise and thanksgiving in our hearts for this wonderful gift You have given us—the gift of prayer. Where we can come to You at any time, Lord, and ask for Your forgiveness. Where we know that once we ask for forgiveness, Lord, that it is done. You said in Your Word that as far as the East is from the West that’s how much You will forgive us. All we have to do is confess and repent. So, we come to You now because we know that sins confessed are sins forgiven….”
Then Pastor stopped. I kept my eyes and my mouth closed because I knew she couldn’t possibly be waiting for me to continue. I mean, I’d prayed before, but mostly by myself. There were times in children’s church where they made us pray out loud, and I always hated that because I never knew what to say. And even though I was grown up now, it wasn’t like I had learned how to talk to God.
But Pastor just stayed quiet. And so did I. Finally she whispered, “Diamond, speak from your heart.”
I squeezed my eyes tight and wished there was a way for me to get out of this. But since there wasn’t, I just said, “God, I’m so sorry … I know I wasn’t supposed to have sex, because I’m only fifteen. But I wanted Jax to like me. And even though I had sex with him, he doesn’t like me. But I want You to like me. And I don’t want You to be mad. So please forgive me. I’m really, really sorry. I’ve never been so sorry about anything in my whole life. Especially after the way Jax acted. But even if he didn’t act that way, I would still be sorry. Because I know what I did was wrong. I wouldn’t have wanted to keep doing it. But maybe it is better that Jax didn’t talk to me because now You know and I know that I won’t have sex with him anymore. I won’t do it again. I don’t plan to ever have sex again. Ever in life. Amen.”
When I looked up, I wanted to die. That had to have been the dumbest prayer Pastor Ford had ever heard, because she was smiling. Almost laughing. I was so embarrassed. I didn’t know if God was big on laughing, but if He was, I was sure that right about now, He and everyone in heaven were having a pretty good laugh because of me.
“Pastor, can I try it again?”
“What?”
“The prayer. Can I do it over?”
“Why would you want to do that?”
“Because I didn’t get it right and I really am sorry. I want God to know that so that He’ll forgive me.”
“Diamond, you don’t have to do it over. God knew what you were going to say before you even said it. He knows your thoughts, He knows what’s on your mind before you even know.”
I’d heard Pastor say that before, but I didn’t get it. If He knew, then why would He make me go through all of this trouble? “If He knows, then why do we have to pray?”
“That’s the way He wants it. He wants us to talk to Him. He wants us to have a relationship with Him, and you can only have a relationship with someone if you talk to them.”
“It just seems like if He already knows, we’d be boring Him.”
“You don’t ever have to worry about that. God loves to hear your voice. Think of it like this, Diamond. There are times when your parents know what you’re going to say or do. But just because they know doesn’t mean they don’t want to talk to you about it. Because through talking, you’ll learn something. And they may even learn something. It’s the same with God. Talking with Him, you’ll hear a few things and learn a few things.”
I nodded, although I can’t say that I really understood what she was talking about. I’d heard Pastor say so many times that prayer was a dialogue, not a monologue, that we were supposed to do as much listening as talking to God. But God had never said a word to me. Maybe that came when you turned eighteen or something.
“That was a very good prayer,” Pastor Ford continued, “because you were honest and sincere. And it all came from your heart. That’s all that God wants. But there is one thing …”
Oh, no. I knew it. I knew I’d gotten something wrong.
Pastor said, “That part at the end where you said you were never going to have sex again. Your husband might have a different opinion about that.”
I shook my head. “After Jax, I don’t know if I’ll ever get married.”
“Diamond, please.” The pastor waved her hands as if what I said was ridiculous. “There’s no need for you to be so dramatic. Do you think you’re the first girl this has happened to?”
Dang, did she have to go there? “No.”
“Good. ’Cause you’re not. And believe it or not, it’s happened to boys. Boys have been tricked into having sex, too. But that’s not really the issue. The point I’m making is that we all make mistakes. The key is how we handle our mistakes. How do we bounce back? How do we step up to the new beginnings?”
My head was starting to hurt. This was all a bit complicated to me.
“God’s given you a new slate, Diamond. He loves you. Just wants you to get better every day. To get stronger in Him. To be more obedient to Him.”
“I want to be good, Pastor. And really, I didn’t think I was being all that bad with Jax because I thought I loved him. And we did everything to make sure that I didn’t get pregnant or get a disease.”
“Is that why you think you shouldn’t have had sex? To prevent pregnancy or disease?”
“Yeah,” I said, trying not to make it sound like I thought that was a stupid question. “Everyone is always warning us about teenage pregnancies and all the diseases out there. And then, there’s also that thing where God says not to do it.”
Pastor Ford laughed. “Well, sometimes, just because God said not to, that should be enough. But I know teenagers need more. And you definitely need more if you think that abstinence is just to prevent pregnancy and disease. If that’s what you think, then I and all the adults around you have failed. Because you’ve only gotten part of the message.
“We don’t want you to get pregnant. And we don’t want you to get a sexually transmitted disease. But we talk about abstinence for reasons far beyond those two, Diamond. There’re a lot of emotional and psychological consequences and damage that happen because of sex outside of marriage. You’re experiencing some of that now because of the way Jax is treating you, right? He’s doing and saying things to you that aren’t making you feel so good.”
I nodded. “And I’m really embarrassed, too.”
“Embarrassment and guilt and condemnation … that’s part of it, too. Sex outside of God’s plan is always destructive. Always. It never works. And I’m not just saying this because you’re a teenager. It doesn’t work for adults, either. People who have sex outside of marriage may not see the bad side while they’re doing it, but I can guarantee that they always look back with regrets. Even if the regrets come years later. You’re always sorry in some way.”
“I don’t have to wait years to know I’m sorry. I can see all the bad stuff now.”
“That’s actually a good thing, Diamond. Your lessons have come early.”
“That’s why I said I don’t want to have sex. It just seems safer that way.”
“It is safer that way. Until you get married. That’s when it’s okay with God. That is His wonderful gift to you, and it’s a gift that He wants you to cherish.”
Just when it was starting to get good, Pastor Ford was making it complicated again. I’d heard this “sex is a gift that should be cherished” before. I didn’t get it then—I didn’t get it now. It must have been the look on my face that let Pastor Ford know that she was losing me.
“Let me ask you this,” Pastor said. “When you were little, did your parents ever give you a gift that you just loved?”
It didn’t take me a second to think about that. “Yeah, I got the Millennium Barbie before anyone else!” I said. I still remembered just how happy I was when I woke up on Christmas. I’d asked my parents and every one of my aunts and uncles for that doll. I’d even written a letter to Santa Claus, even though I hadn’t believed in him since I was five. I just wanted to make sure, just in case, so that I would get that doll. And on Christmas morning, I did.
“How did you treat that doll?”
“I loved her. I didn’t play with her a lot because I didn’t want her to get messed up. Everyone said they didn’t make many Black Millennium Barbies.”
Pastor Ford nodded. “Did you let anyone else play with her?”
“Only Vee, and only a little. I took care of her and I still have it.”
“Sounds to me like you cherished that doll. You were careful with her in how you treated her and who you let play with her. You only shared her with Veronique because it was a gift that was special to you.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Sex is just like that. A special gift from God that He gives to be used between two people—a man and his wife. It’s a gift that God gives to you to give to your husband. And it’s a gift that God will give to your husband to give to you. In any other way, you’re giving that gift to someone who should not have it. And bad things can happen. People get hurt, get sick, some even die. That’s not what God intended with sex.”
Pastor had told us this when we took those purity classes before we took the vows to stay virgins. It didn’t make a lot of sense to me then, but it did now. Maybe it was because of all that I’d been through.
I just wish that I’d really gotten that special-gift message before. Because I’m sure I wouldn’t have given my gift to Jax!
Pastor said, “I wish I’d done a better job of emphasizing this to you before. Maybe it would have helped with the decisions you were faced with when it came to Jason.”
See, that’s what I was talking about. Pastor Ford just seemed to know what you were thinking. Like God had whispered it in her ear or something.
“But,” Pastor continued, “there’s nothing we can do about the past. There is, however, lots we can do about the future.” She stopped, and whenever Pastor looked at me this way, I got a little scared. She said, “Maybe one day, we can have a session and you can talk to the other girls about what happened to you. Maybe if they hear that, it may help one of them.”
“No!” I knew I’d screamed, but I didn’t care. There was no way she was going to get me to tell anyone else about this. Already too many people knew. How embarrassing! “If that’s my punishment, then I’d rather have something else!”
“Hold on a minute, Diamond. I’m not talking about punishing you. Do you think you should be punished?”
I paused for a moment, wondering if this was a trick question. “Well, I’m still grounded, but I don’t want to be punished by having to talk to other girls about this.”
“I was just making a suggestion. If you don’t want to do it, that’s fine.”
“Pastor, I don’t even want anyone else to know.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s embarrassing. And I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. Honest.” I sounded as if I was begging. And I was. I wanted to get right on my knees and beg Pastor and God not to tell anyone else.
“You don’t have anything to be embarrassed about. And I can tell you that it will really help if you talk to other girls.”
I was shaking my head so hard I thought I would get a headache. “I don’t want to.”
“All right. Maybe not right now. Maybe one day.”
Maybe never! That’s what I almost told her. But I just kept shaking my head until she got the message.
“Well, there is one thing I do want you to do for me.”
Didn’t Pastor get it? I wasn’t saying anything to anybody about me and Jax. Ever.
She said, “You can go out there with the Divine Divas and win this thing for Hope Chapel.”
Whew! I guess Pastor thought she was funny, ’cause she was smiling. I wasn’t. I was still shaking at that dumb suggestion she had. Like I would really stand on some stage and have people stare at me while I told them about what a fool I was. Please! That would never happen.
“Okay, so are you ready to be part of the group?”
“Yes.” I stood up; I couldn’t wait to get out of that office.
“Okay, go on. I’m sure the other divas are ready for you. And you’re definitely ready to be a diva again.”
I only smiled as I hugged Pastor. And I kept my mouth shut even though I wanted to let her know that I wasn’t ready to be a diva again. I was already one. I always had been and always would be … a diva!
I don’t know why my heart was beating fast. Maybe it was because I was getting back with my girls. Or maybe it was because I felt as if I’d just made the big escape from Pastor’s office. But no matter why … I was excited.
The music was blasting and I could hear my girls singing. I had to admit, they sounded fierce, even without me. But it was time for me to join the group again and help my girls rise to a higher level.
I took a deep breath, then busted through the door. “Surprise!”
The track kept playing, but everything else stopped. My crew and Sybil just stood still, staring at me like I was some kind of alien. Their mouths were wide open, but not one word was coming from any of them.
“I guess you’re not glad to see me.”
“What are you doing here?” Aaliyah asked.
Now in my old life, I would have gotten an attitude. But after everything I’d been through, even Aaliyah’s mouth sounded wonderful to me. “Well, if that’s the way you’re going to welcome me back, I’ll just take my behind home.” I marched back to the door, but just like I knew, my girls came running after me.
“You’d better get back here!” Aaliyah shouted. Of course, she was the first one to reach me. She grabbed my arm. “Are you back for real?” she asked, and then hugged me.
“Uh-huh!” I knew I probably looked stupid the way I was grinning, but my happy was all the way back when I hugged India and Veronique, too.
“So what happened?” Veronique asked.
I gave them the short version. “My parents said that I could come back.”
“So you’re not grounded anymore?” India asked.
“I’m still grounded. I can’t do the dance team, and I don’t have my phone. But it’s all good ’cause I’m back with the divas!”
“Yay!” my girls cheered.
“Well, if there are any ladies in the room who want to be divas, they’d better get to working!” Sybil sounded like she was serious, but she was grinning just like the rest of us. She gave me a hug.
“That’s right,” Turquoise added before she gave me a hug. “I wanna see if y’all can move in these outfits. Let’s get back to work.”
“That’s fine with me,” Aaliyah said. “’Cause I just want to get this over with, because you know I don’t really want to be here …”
But even though we all knew what she was going to say, we didn’t hear her, because Sybil had our track on blast. I jumped in line with India and Aaliyah, and we did the whole routine right behind Veronique.
I might have missed a week, but I didn’t miss a beat now. I was fierce, the way I was twisting and turning, swirling and stepping.
