Diamond, page 10
Sex. Lots of girls talked about it. Some talked about it all the time, like they were doing it all the time. Even on the news, all of the reporters said that most high school kids were having sex. But not me and my crew. We had all made that vow in church last year to remain virgins until we got married. Last year, that sounded right to me. And honestly, it still felt like the right thing to do, because though I hated to admit it, I didn’t really know a lot about sex. It was all over TV and movies, but I knew that stuff wasn’t real.
I knew what they taught us in sex education a couple of years back—I knew where everything was inside my body. But really, that was it. The thing was I didn’t have anyone to talk to about this. The judge never said a word to me about sex. Not that I wanted to talk to her about it either. And talking to my dad—I’d rather die.
Maybe I needed to talk to my brother about what Jax had said. I mean besides pregnancy or disease, what could be so bad about sex? If Jax and I really cared for each other, was it so wrong?
Of course it was! Why was I even thinking about this? Did I want to have sex with Jax? No! I wanted to be with him, wanted him to be my boyfriend. But I didn’t want to have sex with him in order for that to happen.
I climbed into my bed and tried to go to sleep. But it was like my thoughts were people inside of my head. And everyone was talking, giving me a different opinion—about Jax, about all those other girls who wanted to have sex with him, about how Jax only wanted to have sex with me. All of those thoughts made me wonder if I could do this. Maybe I could do it, just for Jax. But in the next minute, I changed my mind again. I could never have sex—not now. I wasn’t ready. Right?
Sex or no sex? I just didn’t know what to do.
20
This was just not my day. It was hard not to look at my watch as Mr. Berg’s lecture went on and on. He’d been talking to me for at least fifteen minutes, which meant I was at least ten minutes late.
“Ms. Winters, I had such expectations for you at the beginning of the semester. You were a good student. But you didn’t do well on the midterms, and it doesn’t look like your work is getting any better.”
All of this just because I didn’t turn in my homework.
“It’s just unacceptable, Ms. Winters.”
“I know, Mr. Berg, and I’m sorry. But I’ll make this up. I made up all the other assignments.”
“Yes, you did. But you’re missing the point, Ms. Winters.”
I hated when he called me Ms. Winters. What was wrong with Diamond? But I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want his talk to last longer.
“All of these late marks will affect your final grade.”
“I know, and I’ll do much better from now on.”
He took off his glasses and wiped his eyes, like I was making him weary or something. “Ms. Winters, you need to be more focused. You’re not that far away from the time when you’ll have to submit your college applications. And all of these things …”
This was when I turned him off. Why was he standing here lecturing me about college? I was just a sophomore. And anyway, I wasn’t worried. I was a good student, maybe not lately, but I’d get it together. And I was Elizabeth and Linden Winters’s daughter. I was going to college—they’d make sure of it. And really, who knew what was going to happen? With the Divine Divas, I might be a star before I was seventeen. I might not need to go to college.
“So, Ms. Winters, I hope we have an understanding.”
“Yes, Mr. Berg. I’ll have the assignment tomorrow.”
Before he could even nod his head, I was out of that room. Now, because of him, I was probably twenty minutes late.
This was not good. I was doing all right on the team, but Jayde Monroe did not like me. She stayed on my case through every single practice, always yelling, “Diamond, you’re not keeping up,” or “Diamond, you’re out of step.” It was always something—even the other girls noticed it. Lucinda, one of the juniors on the squad, was the first one to hip me to the fact that she didn’t think Jayde liked me.
“Did you steal her boyfriend or something?” Lucinda asked.
It was supposed to be a joke, and we laughed about it. But Lucinda had no idea how true her question might have been. I’d never asked Jax about Jayde—I didn’t have to, since we were a couple now. And he never mentioned her to me anymore. Even if Jax and Jayde had once been together, it was none of my business. All that mattered was that they weren’t together now.
So, whatever Jayde’s problem was, she needed to get over it. Because I wasn’t going anywhere. I would stay on this squad for as long as I wanted to. It was the only way I could be sure that I’d be at every one of Jax’s games.
I dashed around the corner, heading to the gym, and bumped right into Jax.
“Hey, I was looking for you,” he said.
“You were?”
“Yeah, I was going to walk you to practice. Thought I might hang out a little and watch you.”
My cheeks got fat with my smile. There was just no way to hide my happy when Jax was around. “I’m really late for practice. My math teacher kept me after class.”
“Ah, don’t worry about it. You’re the best on the squad. They’ll wait for you.”
Of all the days he could have chosen to hang with me in school, why did it have to be today? And why did it have to be now? I loved seeing him, but I needed to get into the gym. “No one in there is going to wait for me,” I said, hoping that he would take the hint. “Jayde Monroe will make sure of it. She’s not feeling me, and if she had her way, I’d be off the team.” I almost asked him if the way Jayde treated me had something to do with him, but when he didn’t say anything, neither did I.
“So,” he leaned against the wall, as if he didn’t care if I was late or not, “you say I don’t talk to you in school. But see? Now, I’m talking.”
“Yeah.”
“And I’m glad to be talking to you. I want everybody to see us.”
Okay, maybe practice could wait.
He said, “Have you thought about … you know, what we’ve been talking about?”
A little bit of my happy went away. For the last five nights, that was all Jax had talked about. “I haven’t thought about it anymore.”
“Why not?”
I shrugged.
He said, “I guess I’m just in a hurry ’cause I’m ready to get real deep with you.” He leaned so close to me that I wondered if this was it—was this the moment of my first kiss? “Do you know how much I care for you, Diamond?” he whispered.
It felt like there was a big ole lump in my throat. I couldn’t say a word, so I just shook my head.
He said, “I want to tell you and I want to show you how I’m feeling you.”
I heard his words, but I was focused more on watching his lips. They were so close to me, I just wanted to push my mouth against his. “Diamond, I really, really think I love—”
“Excuse me!”
I jumped back from Jax.
Jayde’s face was tight. She looked at her watch. “Diamond, are you coming to practice, or have you dropped off the team?”
She was talking to me, but she was glaring at Jax.
“I’m sorry. I’ll be right in there.” I didn’t want to be kicked off, but I couldn’t leave Jax right now. Not with what he was about to say to me.
“Well?” Jayde stood right there in the hallway as if she had no plan to move.
Why couldn’t she just go away and give me a minute? That’s all I needed so that I could hear what Jax had to say.
Jax looked back at Jayde, then after a moment, he laughed and bounced his basketball. “Hey, Dee, you better get in there. I’ll holla.”
I wanted to beat Jayde down as I watched Jax bounce that ball through the hallway. This was the second time that Jax had come so close to saying that he loved me. And Jayde had ruined it!
I had to hold back as I walked past her.
She said, “If you’re late again, you’ll be off the team.”
I wanted to tell her what she could do with this team, but I didn’t. I didn’t like her, but I liked the squad. And now, I had to be at all of Jax’s games. Especially with what he’d just said to me—well, almost said.
I was so excited as I changed into my workout gear. I couldn’t wait to get through this practice, and then get home, and then get my call from Jax. He would finish telling me what he’d started. He’d tell me that he loved me. And then, maybe it would be easier. Maybe then I’d be able to do what he was asking me to do. Maybe.
21
I slammed my locker shut, closed my eyes and leaned against it. I was so tired. I had waited all night for Jax to call, but for the first time in weeks, he hadn’t. I wondered if this was about me not sleeping with him. I wondered if he was thinking about breaking up with me over this.
“Hey, you.”
My eyes popped open. “Hey,” I said, surprised and relieved at the same time.
Jax leaned against my locker and bounced his basketball. “You look great.”
“Really?” Being the fashionista that I was, I had to add flava to my school uniform every day, even on the days when I wasn’t feeling very good. This morning, I’d needed lots of color to try to get my happy back, and at the last minute, I’d grabbed a huge red patent leather belt from my closet that matched my red hoop earrings. I didn’t think it was all that special, but now I was glad that I was working this belt.
“You look hot.”
It was good to know that he wasn’t mad at me. “Thanks.” But I still wondered why he hadn’t called.
He stopped bouncing the ball. “So, you thought about … you know.”
“Yeah, I thought about it.” I stopped. His boys were always around, and I didn’t want anyone to hear what we were talking about. The hallway was filled, but no one seemed to be listening to us. “Jax, I really like you, but I don’t think we know each other well enough to have sex,” I said, keeping my voice low.
“See, that’s the problem, Diamond. You’re looking at this as sex. But the thing is,” he said as he leaned closer to me, “I don’t want to have sex with you.”
“But you said—”
“I can hit any female I want.” He stopped, pointed at a girl passing by. “I can have her.” Then he pointed to another one. “Or her.” He turned back to me. “I can have any girl in this school. But the only one I want is you. And I want you, but not for sex.” He leaned closer. “I want to make love to you.”
The way he looked at me, the way he talked to me, if he had asked me to leave with him right then, I might have.
He said, “This is about love, Diamond.” He touched the side of my face, and I melted. “Let’s make love, together.” When I didn’t say anything, he stood up straight and bounced his ball. “I’ll hit you later, and then maybe you can let me know if you’re feeling me like this.”
Before I could say anything, he strolled down the hall, bouncing his ball, like he hadn’t just been trying to talk me into sleeping with him.
“Hey, Jax.” One of the girls that he’d just pointed to called him.
I watched Jax stop. Point. And then motion for the girl to come to him. She hurried over as if she couldn’t wait to get next to him. Jax put his arm around her, kissed her on her lips. Then he turned and looked at me. He winked before they both disappeared around the corner.
“I can’t stand him.”
My heart was beating so fast that I hadn’t even noticed that Aaliyah had walked up behind me. It wasn’t until I turned around that I realized India and Veronique were with her.
“I think he’s cute,” India said.
“He’s all right,” Veronique added. “In an obvious kind of way.”
“You’re not still interested in him, are you?” Aaliyah asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. “Nah. I’m so over him.”
Veronique raised her eyebrows, but I ignored her.
“That’s good,” Aaliyah kept talking. “I think there are plenty of other guys who aren’t as stuck up as he is.”
“Yeah, and anyway, we all need to stay free agents,” Veronique said, “’Cause we’re ’bout to be stars. Trust and know, right, Dee?”
“Yeah.” I grabbed my workout gear and swung the bag over my shoulder. “I’m heading over to practice. What are you guys going to do?”
“I’m going to the library,” Aaliyah said.
What else was new?
“I gotta get home,” Veronique told me. “Gotta babysit.”
“I’m heading home, too,” India added.
“Okay, I’ll catch y’all later.” I waved to my crew, then rushed down the hallway. Not only was I trying to get to practice but I also needed to get away from where Jax and that girl had been—where they’d just kissed. He’d kissed her; he’d never kissed me. I wondered if he was going to ask her to have sex with him since I wouldn’t do it.
“Hey, Diamond,” Jayde said when I entered the gym. “Guess you decided to join us on time today. Are you ready?”
“Yeah, I’m ready,” I said, already walking away. “I’m ready for a lot more than you know.”
“What does that mean?”
See now, she was frowning. She shouldn’t have been messing with me. I looked over my shoulder and said to her, “Ask Jax.”
I wasn’t sure why I went there. But I was so tired of her attitude. I didn’t look back again, but I could just picture Jayde’s face. Good. It was about time that I stood up to her. I was ready for Jayde. And now I was ready for Jax.
I felt really good as I strolled to the locker room. I’d made up my mind. All I had to figure out was how this was going to play out. All I needed was a time and place.
“Okay, ladies. See you at the game tomorrow night,” Jayde said as we wrapped up practice.
I was exhausted, but when I looked up, I got a shot of energy. Because there was Jax. I was so happy that he was waiting for me. Maybe he would walk me home and I could tell him what I decided.
“Hey, Jax,” I waved.
But Jax didn’t respond. He pointed his finger at Lucinda, and she rushed over to him. I know my eyes were wide as I watched him whisper something in her ear. And it wasn’t until Lucinda giggled, grabbed her bag, then walked with Jax out of the gym that I realized my mouth was wide open, too.
It took me a moment to turn around and see Jayde standing behind me—with the same surprised look that had to be on my face. I didn’t look at her as I rushed into the locker room. I could not believe this. What was Jax doing to me?
I grabbed my Sidekick. I had to get my message to him fast. He needed to know my decision before he did anything with Lucinda.
I sent a text to his cell: Call. I’m ready.
I waited for him to reply, but after fifteen minutes … and nothing … I decided to go home. As I walked, I prayed that Jax would somehow see my text. See my message before … and then my cell phone rang. I looked at my Sidekick and knew then that God answered prayers.
“Hey, you,” he said when I picked up.
“Hey.”
“I got your text. So, we’re really gonna do this? We’re really gonna make love?”
I guess he wasn’t with Lucinda if he was asking me that. “It’s what you want, right?”
“It’s what I really want.”
“Then, yeah.” I tried to sound excited, but I wasn’t. I was more scared than anything.
Jax didn’t seem to notice. “Great. This is great, Diamond. So, I gotta game tomorrow, but you wanna go out next Friday?”
“Yeah.” I guess Friday was as good as any night. I didn’t have a plan yet on how I was going to make this work. It wasn’t like I could tell my parents I was staying out all night with a boy. And I didn’t even know where we were going to do this—but I guess that part of the plan was up to Jax.
“Then, Friday it is. We went out on our first date on a Friday, do you remember?”
“Yeah.”
“And now, this is going to happen on another Friday. From now on, Fridays will be our special night.”
“Okay.” At least he was starting to make me feel better.
“I promise you, Diamond, we’re gonna have a good time.”
“Okay.”
“I’m gonna make it special for you.”
“Okay.”
“You don’t sound excited.”
“I am,” I lied.
“Good, because I’m excited, too. We’re doing the right thing. We’re in love, right?”
Finally. He’d finally said it. “Yeah, we’re in love.”
“Great. Look, I gotta make this run. Holla.”
I stared at my phone; I guess I’d expected just a little bit more the first time he told me that he loved me. But this was okay. He did love me. And now we had a date. A second date. Only this time, it was a much bigger date.
Sex.
But it wasn’t sex. I had to remember what Jax had said. Anyone could have sex. We’d be making love. There was a big difference. Maybe it was that difference that made having sex okay. We weren’t just two kids doing it. We were in love. And Jax said he was going to make it special. All of that made having sex okay, didn’t it?
I sure hoped so.
22
I had three choices: India, Veronique, or Aaliyah.
I chose my girl, Veronique.
I made sure that I was sitting next to her when we stood for praise and worship. In the first service, all of the teenagers hung out in the balcony; not that we were doing anything, we were still in church. But this was our own little space, away from the spying eyes of our mothers.
I swayed and clapped as we sang “Living Right for You, Lord” and just waited for the moment when we would sit down and I could tell Veronique everything that I’d been thinking. Pastor Ford walked up to the altar, and I bowed my head and prayed with the rest of the congregation.
“Turn in your Bibles to Luke, the thirteenth chapter beginning at the twenty-second verse,” Pastor Ford said the moment she ended the prayer. “Today, I want to talk about knowing God and knowing of God. There is a difference, you know. And understanding that difference will save you. Repent or perish. That is the message for today.”
