Alien Heart, page 7
He took so long to answer that I started to feel embarrassed. I was about to tell him not to worry about it when he spoke.
“There are no unmated adult women in my tribe. I never allowed myself to think such thoughts, to have such hopes before. I did not bother spending my days dreaming of a mate who would not come.”
Merde. Had I put my foot in my mouth again? I didn’t want to dredge up painful memories for him.
But he kept going, and I noticed his tail grow heavier, tighter around me. His voice became louder but also more muffled as he bent to speak against the side of my hood.
“I do not have many smiles. So she will need to provide them.”
I nodded, not speaking, not wanting to stop him now. I was gorging on his words, drinking them down. Even though it was absurd, even though he wasn’t my mate...
I wanted him to describe me.
You are crazy.
“She would have dark hair, like my people,” he continued, his voice gruff. His arm, which had been held out to the side, holding his spear aloft, lowered slightly. The inside of his bicep and elbow brushed my sleeve, sending sparks erupting down my arm.
“‘Like your people...’ So not a Sea Sand woman then. You’d want a human mate?” I asked, trying to clarify.
This time, his answer was instant. Not a breath of hesitation.
“Yes.”
Well that was... Très intéressant.
“What else?” I whispered.
Varrow made a thoughtful sort of sound, rumbling deep in his chest.
“She would have much of your... Human ingenuity. And she would not be afraid to make me try new things, no matter how much I may fight those efforts.”
I let out a chortle, remembering how Varrow had tried, and so obviously hated, the meat I’d prepared. Good luck to his mate, whoever she may be.
That is... If he gets a mate.
The math was obvious. Even with the addition of us human girls, there weren’t enough women for all the single men on this planet to have partners. I hadn’t thought about it too much before, but now...
But now, it fucking hurt. It hurt to think of Varrow not getting a mate. Not because I felt sorry for him. But because... He deserved one.
He was one moody brute of an alien, but he was also quietly considerate and funny and clearly battling some demons of his own. If anyone gets a mate, it should be him.
Even if that mate’s not you?
Before I could fully grapple with that question and all its implications, Varrow hurled my own question back at me.
“What about you, little bean? What would you look for in a mate?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” I said, relaxing somewhat. “Unlike you, I’ve fantasized about it a lot.”
“You have?” his voice grated, sounding strangely desperate.
“Mais oui. Yes, of course. I want a mate. More than most of the other girls here. I’ve never been apprehensive about it the way some others are.”
I wiggled, getting more comfortable against his chest, recalling all the fantasies and desires that I’d played out in my mind when I couldn’t sleep at the settlement.
“He would be devoted and loyal, of course. The romantic sort, definitely. My love language, at least when it comes to receiving love, is related to gifts, so he’d be a thoughtful gift-giver. He’d be a good provider and protector. A good father...”
I smiled, mulling over the image that had been stuck in my head since I’d learned that we’d be travelling to meet the sixth tribe. The image of a warrior, tall and strong, running to greet me as I approached him. Running to me because he was my mate, and he’d been looking for me, too. He’d sweep me up into his arms, smiling, and say, “I was waiting for you...”
But wait a second...
Hadn’t someone else just said that to me? Yes, I was certain of it. Someone else had recently said, “I was waiting for you.”
Varrow.
Suddenly, the man in my mind’s eye wasn’t smiling but rather brooding. Instead of the long hair I’d imagined, it was short, with messy bangs that fell into his smoky eyes as he looked down at me.
I was waiting for you...
“Well, perhaps these things don’t matter,” I said, laughing shakily. “The Lavrika doesn’t care for all our silly notions, I’m sure.”
Varrow said nothing else.
And neither did I.
WE CONTINUED ALONG the mountain range for most of the day, stopping only briefly to relieve our thirst, hunger, and bladders. As the sun was setting, we finally reached the entrance into the mountain range that Gahn Razek had been leading us to. Most of the stone formations we’d seen so far had narrow valleys to pass through in order to enter the maze of white, toothy rock. But this spot had a much wider, flatter valley between two plunging inclines of stone. I leaned forward in the saddle, peering down the valley.
It looked just as intimidating as the rest of the Death Plains stone formations we’d seen. That same ghastly white rock, turned a chalky grey in the dwindling light. Even the fact that there was more space to pass through was not reassuring. If anything, it almost felt more ominous – less stone cover to offer a feeling of protection.
We entered the valley, finding a flat place against the rock incline on the left to make camp. Everyone dismounted quickly, including Varrow. I swung my leg across the saddle, feeling stiff from the day’s ride but not too much worse for wear. The saddles really did make things a lot more comfortable, and being seated on an irkdu with a thinner body had been better for my legs, too.
Now that the sun was setting, I pulled down my hood and pushed my sunglasses up onto the top of my head. I eyed the ground, preparing to half jump, half slide to the dry grey ground. But before I could so do, Varrow stepped into my line of vision. He pressed inwards towards the irkdu, his shoulders between my parted knees. He extended his hand to me.
“It’s OK. I can make it.” I wasn’t overly clumsy, even for a human, and I had managed to get off of Dalk’s irkdu quite a few times on my own before.
Varrow didn’t budge.
“It would be amusing to see you try,” he said. “But if you think that I will let you put those wobbly human ankles in harm’s way by jumping down...” His eyes flashed. “Then you don’t know me very well.”
He was right. I didn’t know him well. But I was starting to. More and more, I was getting a sense of him. And at the forefront of his personality was an obvious protective streak he couldn’t push away. Even when it came to a human who so clearly annoyed him.
“So sweet of you to look out for me,” I crooned, grinning at him.
His jaw clenched.
“I just do not want to hear any complaining about an injury to your foot.”
I wasn’t entirely convinced by his brusque reply.
“I think my feet would be fine. I’d probably just land on my ass if anything.”
His fingers, still held out to me, twitched.
“I do not want to see that part of you injured either.”
There was a choked edge to his voice, like he was fighting some emotion. And maybe losing.
“Well then you’d better help me down after all,” I said, still grinning. His bluntness, his moodiness, didn’t offend me the way it had before. I was almost growing fond of it, now. As someone who was naturally optimistic and cheerful, I couldn’t help but want to poke at the alien sourpuss before me.
I took his hand.
Every nerve and muscle in my body went electric at the contact. Our eyes met. Varrow’s sight stars whipped up into a frenzy, then went completely, almost eerily, still as we stared at each other. Despite the cool air of early evening, I felt warm everywhere, but most potently where my hand held his.
And between my legs.
Varrow’s breath quickened, made obvious by the rapid rise and fall of his chest and the tight bunching of his abdominal muscles. The air between us turned viscous with tension. It dragged me until I was leaning forward, bent at the waist, my face level with Varrow’s.
His nostrils flared in reaction to my proximity, and his sight stars grew tighter, little blue fires in the dark sky of his eyes. His fingers closed over the back of my hand.
What are you doing?
I had no fucking idea. It was like when Varrow had gotten close to me earlier today, just before Gahn Razek had asked us if we were ready to go. It was almost like I...
Was about to kiss him.
No way!
I lifted my free hand, tucking a stray, messy clump of Varrow’s hair back, smoothing it away from his forehead. He didn’t move a muscle. He didn’t even appear to be breathing now. The only things that moved were his sight stars, tracking the movement of my hand at the side of his face.
“There,” I whispered. “That’s better.”
I liked when his hair fell forward into his eyes. But like this, with it all swept back from his face, he was undeniably striking.
“It is?” His question made my chest feel like it had split right open. There was a hurting, hopeful tone in his voice that made me want to wrap my arms around his neck and squeeze.
“Well, I like your hair any old way,” I said, suddenly overcome with the need to make him happy. To ease whatever ache was inside him. To make him feel good about himself. And I was telling the truth. I wasn’t giving him false flattery. “It’s cute when it falls forward, too. When it’s messier, makes you look a little... Ruffled. Not so serious.” I smiled again, smoothing the black strands back once more. I couldn’t seem to stop touching his hair now that I’d started. It was shockingly smooth and soft, and still warm from the sun beating down all day. “But all the same,” I continued, brushing my fingers over his hair one last time, “I really do like your hair like this. So I can see more of your face.”
A pained look crossed over Varrow’s features. Just before I withdrew my hand, his eyes squeezed shut. I froze, watching him as he dipped his head ever so slightly, leaning into my touch. At the same moment, his thumb drew an agonizingly slow circle across the back of my hand, slipping over my knuckles. My eyes widened, my heart pounding as goosebumps exploded up my arms. I shivered.
Varrow’s eyes snapped open.
“You are cold.”
Before I could react, he tugged me forward by the hand. His tail rose to help ease me down the side of the irkdu. I landed on my feet with a gentle thud, much more gracefully than I would have had I attempted such a thing myself.
Varrow released my hand. I blinked several times, feeling dazed. I stared down at my hand, brushing my own fingertips over my knuckles the way Varrow just had.
I yelped as my vision went suddenly black.
“Hold on,” came a gruff voice.
Whatever was blocking my vision receded.
I realized it was something soft – part of my bedding hides. Varrow had unpacked a dakrival hide blanket and plunked it, rather unceremoniously, upon my head.
He pulled the fabric snug at my shoulders before plopping a heavy hand onto the top of my head where the hide was acting as a hood.
“There,” he said, his eyes raking over me. “That’s better.”
“Thanks,” I said, noticing the way he’d echoed my words from just a moment before. That’s better.
Varrow helped me unpack my things, but he didn’t stay by my side for long. I should have been relieved that Gahn Razek assigned him to lead Oxriel and Vaxilkai on a hunting mission. But instead, I just felt vaguely anxious. It was weird to watch him prowl away from the camp as the shadows deepened. I watched him until he and the others disappeared.
While they were gone, the rest of us got busy setting up our tents. Just as Priya and I were unrolling our bedding hides inside our tent, sounds outside made us flinch, look at each other, then pull apart the tent flaps.
Dieu merci.
It was Varrow and the others. I wasn’t relieved about the lack of predator out there. I was relieved that Varrow was back. That he was safe.
Well, of course. He’s my friend. Right?
We all ate the hunters’ kills – more of the same white raw meat that I learned came from bright blue, snake-like creatures. The meal was quick and quiet. And, of course, dark, since we couldn’t have a fire. The lack of fire made the harsh landscape, the sharp jutting stone and grey ground, all the more cold and forbidding. By the time I’d finished eating, I was trembling from cold and exhaustion after the day’s travels.
“You should get inside your tent, little bean,” Varrow muttered from beside me. He’d placed himself at my side for the entire meal. Both of us had sat cross-legged while we’d eaten. I’d been deep in conversation with Priya during the meal while Varrow had been silent with his own mysterious thoughts. But the entire time, I was breathtakingly aware of how close his left knee had been to my right one.
“Right,” I said, standing. Gahn Razek and Jocelyn had already retired for the night, as had Vaxilkai and Oxriel. Kohka, Dalk, and Bariok were taking up sentry posts.
“Are you going to sleep now, too?” I asked Varrow. He moved to his feet in a liquid motion until he was towering over me.
“No,” he said.
“Really? But you must be tired after today’s ride,” I replied, surprised. I’d felt how tense his muscles had been for so much of the day. How he’d held me tightly with his tail even when he hadn’t needed to. He probably thinks I’m clumsy and weak enough to fall off the saddle at the drop of a hat, even when we’re not going that fast...
“Do not worry about me,” he said. He jerked his chin towards the tent that Priya was just now entering. “Join your friend where it is warm.”
“OK...” I pursed my lips, waiting to see if he’d say anything else. Hoping he’d say something else. But he didn’t.
“Well, goodnight Varrow,” I offered.
“Goodnight, little bean.”
I turned and walked away. The more space that opened up between Varrow and me, the colder I felt. Even getting into the tent didn’t help.
And when I woke up in the middle of the night, things had only gotten worse.
I gasped, shivering violently inside the tent.
I reached for my hides so I could pull them up over my shoulders.
They weren’t there.
I groaned quietly, glancing over at Priya in the darkness. Somehow, she’d managed to suck my bedding hides into the swirling vortex of her own bed. She was basically invisible except for the dark knot of her bun poking out of the blankets. Wrapped up the way she was in those hides, she looked like an overstuffed crepe.
This had happened a few times on the trip, and I’d teased her about it in the mornings, which had inspired both laughter and profuse apologies on her part. But this was the first time the blankets were so completely absorbed into her domain, like she’d exerted some kind of gravitational pull upon the fabric.
I sat up, rubbing my bare arms viciously, my nipples hardening under the thin fabric of my tank top. Fumbling in the darkness, I grasped my jacket from the ground beside me and shoved my freezing arms into the sleeves. It helped, but only a little. And there weren’t any more layers I could add now. I’d already been sleeping in my trousers and socks, so it wasn’t like I could put them on.
I frowned over at the crepe that was Priya, trying to decide if I should wake her. Soft snores from an unseen face told me she was sleeping deeply, and after the long day, I decided just to let her rest. At least for now. I was starting to feel pretty wide awake anyway and wasn’t so sure I’d be able to fall back to sleep anytime soon.
But I was still fucking freezing.
I knew I couldn’t, but the thought of lighting a fire gave me a physical reaction of deep need. My fingers curled into fists as I imagined heat and light licking over my goose-pimply skin.
Maybe I could just light a little candle in here...
As soon as the thought came to me, another replaced it, shredding the image of my warm little candle with dark claws. Varrow’s grumpy face loomed in my mind.
No fires, little bean.
I drew my knees up to my chest and placed my chin on them, sighing.
I tried to shove him out, but he was still there. Still in my mind.
Still talking.
If you get cold in the night, come to me. I’ll find a way to keep you warm...
I had a little bit of heat, now. Flooding into my cheeks.
He had said that, right? I hadn’t imagined it?
No, he’d definitely said that when he’d been pleading with me not to light a fire. He’d told me he’d find a way to keep me warm.
Knowing him, that probably means dropping more hide blankets on top of my head.
But even that was preferable to freezing my buns off without any blankets to speak of.
I paused for a moment, wondering if I really had to nerve to go to him in the middle of the night.
But when a particularly violent tremor wracked my muscles, I decided that yes, I did have the nerve. Or at least, the cold had whittled away enough of my pride to make to want to beg for his help.
Decision made, I moved to my hands and knees, crawling quietly to the tent’s entrance. Once out of the tent, I stood, my muscles stiff from sleeping on the hard ground and the effort of shivering.
Kohka was nearby, standing with his spear in his hand, taking a shift as guard for this portion of the evening. He glanced back at me, his acute hearing no doubt catching my loud human footsteps and breathing.
“All good,” I whisper-called to him. He made a grunting sound, then turned to survey the rock and valley around us once more. I had a look around too, wondering if any of the other men were awake and on guard duty. If they were, I couldn’t see them – perhaps stationed in other places.
A shiver wracked me again, making my teeth chatter. It had been cold in the tent. But it was even colder out here without the hide walls to contain heat. With quick movements, I walked to Varrow’s tent. It didn’t take too many steps, because, once again, he had set up his tent right next to the one I was sharing with Priya.
I came to a stop in front of the tent and wondered what to do now. I couldn’t exactly knock on a soft tent wall, could I?
