Alien Heart, page 11
But the true tests of strength were yet to come. Because now, Cam-Eel was wriggling up to my side. Nestling her body in the bedding hides that I sat upon.
“Would you get off of there?” she said. “Come under the blankets with me.”
“I... I do not need to.” I stammered. I scooted backwards off of the hides and away from her. With my hand, I shoved the hides at her, building them up almost like a wall between us. No, not almost. It was a wall between us. A little mound of hides separating her from me.
If I were trying to get to her no wall would be enough. Especially not flimsy hides. Not even stone could keep me from her. The thoughts were dark and pulsing but I beat them down with some effort. I hunched over my knees, sitting in the corner of the tent, watching her as she got comfortable in my bed. My bed. My mate in my bed. Skies above, this is beautiful madness.
Cam-Eel rolled and wiggled in bizarre ways until, apparently, she was satisfied. I let out a shaking breath, thinking that maybe now I was safe. Maybe now she would sleep, and I could be alone with my weakness and desires. As soon as she sleeps, I can step outside the tent to stroke myself. That way, I know she will be warm and safe in my tent. And I may have some release.
But, alas, why should things ever be so easy? Cam-Eel was not sleeping, but rather flapping her little hand at me as if gesturing me forward. I remained rooted to the spot, but did lean further forward towards her, unable to stop myself.
“What is it, little bean?” I asked. “Do you need something?”
“I need you to stop being so stubborn and come lie down with me,” Cam-Eel replied. There was a sharpness to her voice that I rarely heard. Her voice was often cheery and trilling and soft. But not now. Now, it seemed as if she gave me an order. And the mate bond howled to obey.
“Just go to sleep,” I growled. Now that she had rearranged the bedding, there was no more wall between us. She was a warm bundle beside me. Nothing to stop me from reaching for her. And nothing to stop her from doing the same. Her slim fingers closed around my wrist and she tugged.
I did not move.
She tried again, giving a little grunt of effort this time. It was almost laughable, seeing her try so hard to make me move and it having no effect. At least, it would have been laughable if it did not speak to her utter vulnerability. So tiny. Strong in spirit, but so small in body. It made me sick to think of all the ways this world could hurt her. Of all the ways that I could lose her.
“Seriously, Varrow, I wasn't kidding,” Cam-Eel groaned, pulling harder. “I don't feel right about stealing your bed. You need rest just as much as I do after a long day of travelling. I swear, I won't go to sleep until you do!”
“Then I shall sleep over here,” I snapped, the hot throbbing of my cock combined with her fingers on my skin making me dizzy. “I can sleep like this. Sitting up.”
“Fine. Then I will too.”
I felt my brows furrow in confusion as I watched Cam-Eel sit up. She clutched the bedding hides around her, then scooted towards me on her rump. After a clumsy, shuffling set of movements, she was seated at my side. She began to unwind all the bedding hides, throwing the fabric over my lap. On the one hand, this was good, because it further hid my erection in the darkness. On the other hand, it was bad. Because now her beautiful white legs were exposed.
And considering that I only had one hand, it was just bad.
I grasped the fabric and tossed it back at her.
“Lie back down, little bean,” I said, trying to infuse my voice with some authority. I liked to think I was successful. I thought I sounded commanding enough. But I should have known, I should have known, that I could never hope to command my pretty mate. She laughed so hard it became a snorting sound.
“Nope. I told you, you have to sleep, too. And I don’t believe for a second that you’ll get a good rest sitting up all stiff like that. Do you want to do this all night? Do you want to throw the bedding hides back and forth at each other for hours? Or do you want to just stop being stubborn, lie down with me, and get some much-needed rest?”
I was being stubborn?
She was the stubborn one.
I was just trying to keep some of my fragile sanity intact.
But she does not know. She does not know what she asks of you. She is only being kind and generous. She just wants you to rest. She does not know that lying beside her without touching her is an ache inside your bones. A tempest of parching winds.
I could tell her. I could tell her, right now, that I'm her mate. Tell her that by asking me to lie with her she asks for so much more. My ablik control.
Or the rutting of my cock.
I knew she was not asking for my rutting cock.
Control it is.
“Fine,” I grunted.
Cam-Eel moved her head up and down – I remembered this meant satisfaction of some kind.
Well, I am glad you are satisfied, I thought sourly. Meanwhile I am doomed not to sleep at all this night.
Cam-Eel re-oriented herself, lying down and arranging the hides once more. But instead of wrapping them tightly around herself, she held them open for me. An invitation.
I had invited her into my tent. Now she invited me into the bed.
My throat tightened. My cock ached. My insides burned.
I slid inside the bed.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Camille
I refused to steal all of Varrow’s bedding again, no matter how much he declared he didn’t need it. And I definitely was not about to lie here all snuggly and cozy while he slept sitting up like some kind of grumpy gargoyle.
But now that he had slipped in beside me, I was beginning to wonder if I’d made a colossal mistake.
The exhaustion I’d felt earlier evaporated, replaced by an electric awareness of every part of Varrow’s form. He was being very careful not to get too close, I noticed. He was lying, stiff and motionless, at the very edge of the bed area, the hides only reaching halfway over his chest. My breath was quick and shallow, and I held the bedding tighter, lying on my back.
“Are you comfortable?” I squeaked out. I was starting to lose my nerve. My confidence. The authority with which I’d told Varrow to come lie down here with me. Now I was feeling shaky and weird and, sacré bleu, horny. Again.
You’ve made your bed. Literally. Now lie in it, Camille.
“I am fine,” Varrow muttered, his voice sounding even more tense than his body seemed. I couldn’t help but smile a bit at that. I had imagined what Varrow would be like lying in bed since he didn’t seem like the cuddly sort. And my imaginings were proving 100% accurate.
I rolled over onto my side, snuggling down into the hides and watching him.
He was on his back, his hand in a balled fist on his chest. He stared up at the ceiling of the tent. My eyes had mostly gotten used to the darkness, and I let them slide over his profile.
He’s gorgeous.
I clenched my teeth to keep myself from saying it out loud. The thought was so intense I worried it might leap right past my lips. Varrow really was handsome – that strong, stony jaw. The regal high cheekbones. The short hair that accentuated his features.
I let my gaze move further down, down his neck to his hard shoulder...
“No wonder you look so stiff lying there!” I cried, rising up on my elbow.
Varrow’s head whipped towards me. He grabbed some of the bedding and yanked it further over his body, bunching it up around his hips.
“What do you mean?” he said.
I ignored whatever the hell he was doing with the blankets around his pelvic region.
“You’re still wearing all your weapons! You’re lying on a bunch of blades!”
Varrow’s hand stopped its frantic rearranging of the bedding.
“Oh. No. That is fine. I always sleep like this.”
“You do?!” I couldn’t imagine anything less comfortable for sleeping. Not only were the straps pretty tight against his torso, but the numerous knives and longer blades had to be painfully hard against his back.
“Why don’t you take them off?” I asked, settling back down onto my side. “We’re inside the tent.”
“No.” The reply was clipped.
I sighed.
“Are you hellbent on rejecting every scrap of comfort or joy that comes your way, Varrow? You were just telling me not to reject comforts, like being warm! Why don’t you take them all off, just to sleep? They’ll be right next to you if you need them. I could even help you.”
I reached tentative fingers towards the handle of a knife jutting out behind his shoulder. Before I could touch it, or him, his strong grip closed around my wrist.
“No.” His voice had lowered, become dangerous. A warning.
“Sorry,” I whispered, feeling tears spring to my eyes. He wasn’t holding my wrist tightly – he wasn’t hurting me. But I hated the fact that I’d bothered him. That I’d pushed him too far. Maybe I should just leave him alone. Clearly, I’m annoying him...
I yanked my hand from his and burrowed further into the blankets to hide. Not because I was scared of Varrow. But because I was scared of...
Of making him dislike me.
Which was stupid. Because it seemed that he disliked pretty much everyone.
But I wanted him to like me.
Dieu. This was too pathetic. More tears were coming.
I sniffed, trying not to be too loud, and wiped at my eyes before squeezing them shut.
There was an awkward moment of silence punctuated only by my sniffling.
But then Varrow spoke again. And he didn’t sound angry.
He sounded panicked. His words tumbling, clumsy and urgent.
“What are you doing? What is happening?”
Once again, his hand was at my wrist, tugging frantically so that he could see my face. But that just made me even more embarrassed. I let him peel away that hand, but used my other to hide my eyes.
“Why is your hand wet?” Varrow demanded.
I gave a choked sob of surprise when he brought my palm to his nose and sniffed.
“Salt...” he said, sniffing again.
“Stop sniffing me!” I cried.
“I am only trying to find out what is wrong with you!” Varrow cried back. With a soft grunt, he sat up and dragged me with him. He still held my wrist in his hand, and his tail swept upward, nudging my other hand away from my face.
“I have heard of this. You are... You are crying,” he said slowly.
“Yes, and what of it?” I asked. I thought about pulling back my hands to cover my face again, but decided against it. Fine. He wants to see, he can see. He can see the annoying, weak human crying.
“Well... How do I make it stop?” Varrow moved to his knees, leaning forward, his face looming in front of mine.
“Oh, please, like you even care,” I snapped. It was probably rude, and petty, but at this point I didn’t care. I was tired of being pushed away. I was tired of everything.
Varrow’s breath hitched, and his grip grew suddenly more tender at my wrist. His thumb gave a slow stroke along my pulse point.
“Cam-Eel,” he said, sounding broken. “I care. More than you know. I care.”
I hiccupped, then stopped crying, shock overtaking me as Varrow slid his hand from my wrist, along my arm, up over my shoulder to cradle my jaw.
His fingers buried in my hair, his thumb tracing the wet tracks left by my tears.
“I fear I can do no right by you. I cannot converse well. I am ignorant of your tastes and feelings. And now I’ve made you cry.” His voice cracked. “Like the monstrous brute I am.”
“No,” I whispered. “That’s not fair. And it’s not true.”
Well, it was maybe a little true. He definitely didn’t have the best conversational skills I’d ever seen. And yes, he was quite ignorant of me and my human ways. But that wasn’t his fault. I was as alien to him as he was to me. And there were lots of things I was ignorant about when it came to him, too.
Like the fact he needed to sleep with his weapons to feel safe.
“I am sorry, little bean.”
I launched forward, throwing my arms around Varrow’s neck.
I hope this isn’t bothering him...
I just couldn’t stop myself from hugging him. This moment had gotten too weird and sad. And I just wanted to hold him.
“No, I’m sorry, Varrow,” I murmured against his chest. “I’m sorry I pushed you about the weapons thing. You should sleep however is comfortable for you. Just pretend like I’m not even here.”
OK. This is definitely bothering him...
Varrow was stiff and unmoving. When I’d come at him, his hand had fallen to his side. He wasn’t reciprocating the hug.
I wish he would.
It was a stupid thought. But I still thought it.
He was so warm, so strong and solid. It felt so good to put my arms around him. To relax, lean against him.
But if he doesn’t like it...
I sighed, then began to pull away.
Only to be slammed back against Varrow’s chest. His arm pressed into my back, clutching me to him. Another sob shook from me, but this time it was one of relief. I wasn’t bothering him. He doesn’t want to push me away...
“Cam-Eel,” Varrow groaned, lowering his face so that he spoke against my hair. “There are... There are things that have happened. Things I have lost. It makes me... It makes me need my weapons.” His chest hitched, and his head lowered further, his nose and mouth brushing my ear and making me gasp. “I have to be able to protect you. At all times. I have to.”
The words were so pained, so forceful. I had no doubt as to the origin of that pain. The loss of his brother and his arm.
“I know what happened to your brother. To Ratev,” I said. I had to tell him. It didn’t feel right that he didn’t know I knew. “Razek told us. I wasn’t trying to pry or anything,” I added quickly. I didn’t want him to think I was being nosy. Even if I was kind of nosy where he was concerned.
There was a too-long moment of silence that had me beginning to sweat, worried that he was angry after all. When he spoke again, he did sound angry. But I realized quickly that his anger wasn’t meant for me.
“I will never again be that defenceless,” Varrow hissed vehemently. “I will never again lose someone I love because of my own weakness.”
Dieu, those words. The vicious pain behind them. The pain of a boy that remained lodged like a hard stone in the heart of the man. It was making me cry all over again.
“Please, Cam-Eel,” Varrow begged. “Tell me what I’ve done to make you cry again. And, wretched sands, tell me how to make it stop.”
My shoulders shook as I breathed unsteadily, trying to get a hold of myself. Varrow’s arm moved up along my back until his fingers slipped into my hair, cradling my head to his chest.
“Do you...” his voice faltered, then grew hard. “Do you pity me?”
“I’m just sorry you’ve been through so much. Especially when you were just a child,” I said. I let my arms fall, wrapping them around his waist and squeezing.
“But what about now? Do you pity me now, as a man? Do you find me weaker than other warriors for what I’ve been through?”
He eased his hand from my hair, clasping my right shoulder and easing me backward so he could look at my face.
“No,” I said, surprised by his question. The fact he only had one arm had never once factored into my impression of him. I mean, I’d noticed it, obviously. It was hard not to notice. But I’d never once considered him less than because of it. “No, I don’t think you’re weak, Varrow. Not at all. I think you’re incredibly strong and resilient. I just wish you hadn’t been through so much pain, that’s all.”
“And why do you wish that?” His fingers were growing harder on my shoulder, his face only a breath from mine.
Why?
This went beyond simple compassion or empathy.
I cared for Varrow. More than I should have. So much so that if I got another mate, I knew I was going to be in for a world of hurt. But it didn’t seem like I could stop that, now. I’d tried. I’d tried to fight my growing attraction to him. The deepening of my feelings.
The only thing holding me back was the fact that Varrow hadn’t given me any indication that his feelings were growing as strongly as mine. I still couldn’t tell if he even liked me as a friend. There were some things – giving me the beans, for example. And returning my hug just now. But it wasn’t enough to convince me that any declarations I made now would be reciprocated.
So I shrank back, protecting myself.
“I care because... Because I’ve lost people, too. Both my parents,” I said.
A jolt of sincere pain wracked the muscles of Varrow’s face.
But his expression turned to one of thunder when I spoke next.
“So I know what it’s like to feel like you have no one.”
Varrow’s rough, warm hand drifted upwards, cupping my chin.
“You do not have no one,” he snarled.
“You’re right,” I said, giving a weak laugh and swiping at my cheeks. “I have really good friends. And maybe... Maybe I’ll get a mate soon. Maybe someone from the sixth tribe.” I needed to prepare myself for the fact that I could still have a mate out there somewhere. Unfortunately, the idea no longer held the appeal it once did. But I needed to try to muster some enthusiasm for the prospect.
Varrow withdrew his hand. The lack of contact made my breath catch, and not in a good way. I wanted to snatch his hand back again.
“From the sixth tribe?” Varrow asked. Something in his voice had changed, but I couldn’t quite figure out what it was.
“Well, maybe,” I said, shrugging.
“Because no man here has caught your eye?”
Huh?
“I didn’t say that,” I said, squinting, trying to get a better sense of what he was feeling in the gloom. But his face was unreadable. “But it’s not up to me, is it? And if the Lavrika was going to pick someone from the settlement for me, why wouldn’t it have done so already? It’s not like I’m one of the unwilling ones. If I could have made the Lavrika choose someone for me already, I would have.”
