Found by Drew, page 14
With Alex, I’d missed the sex, but with Drew, this was different too. I missed the connection, that depth of emotion, those unspoken words between us yet still knowing exactly what the other person thought at that instant. I’d never had that before, never fully appreciated it when it was there, and I missed it now it was gone.
It had been almost two weeks since I’d driven myself home that day. It still hurt like a bitch, but Annie was doing her best to bring me back to a more normal state of mind.
This evening, the snow threatened to fall, and my mood was as black as the night outside. As I approached the end of my second week without Drew, I was more broken than ever. Annie had noticed, and like the angel she was, she’d come armed with fruity ciders—a favourite of ours when the weather turned colder—and our favourite childhood movies.
“Lia, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but you really do look like shit,” she said, her voice breaking with emotion.
I shrugged, not bothered with appearances. Perhaps if I looked like such a mess it would deter other guys from thinking I was a doormat to be played with and thrown about like a boat in a storm. “Meh, not bothered at all, Anns. In fact, I couldn’t care less if I looked like the Loch Ness monster after a hard night on the town.”
She snorted, dribbling some of her cider down her chin, and I chuckled. “Trust you to be a tit when I’m trying to be all concerned. Seriously though, Lia, you look the worst I’ve ever seen you. Your hair has lost its glow, your skin is so pale you look like an extra from those zombie films you watch, and you look like you’ve dropped a dress size in a week. You don’t look healthy, and I’m worried.”
Annie looked on the brink of tears herself as she fiddled with the top of her bottle and avoided eye contact. I stood and walked to the mirror by my front door. She was right; I was a shadow of my former self. I couldn’t ever remember losing so much weight. I thought hard about what I’d eaten that day, before Annie had insisted on take out for us both. Nothing. I’d had nothing to eat since… I couldn’t remember when. I wasn’t even hungry though. Maybe she had a point. I’d have to step up my efforts to keep worried friends at bay.
“I’m fine, Annie.” I sighed. “But if it makes you feel better, I’ll have the last slice of pizza.” I grabbed it before she could protest and tucked in. It tasted good, but it wasn’t what I needed. I wasn’t even sure what I needed, let alone what I wanted.
Answers. I needed closure, but did I really want to re-open that door?
“You’re really not, not by a long shot, but whatevs. The pizza will do you more good than me,” she said, waving her hand in my direction. “Have you heard anything else since….” her voice tailed off, knowing how I flinched when I heard his name.
“No, and I’m not sure I want to. I’ve blocked his number, and I’ve done the same on all my social media. I’ve even had to block the guys because they’d been trying to get me to answer his calls too. When I asked them why I should, they said I needed to ask him. I don’t want to talk to him though, Anns. I need the answers, but I don’t want them.”
“Well, that makes a fat lot of sense, you daft cow. How can you need them but be scared to ask for them? Or do anything at all that will help you move past this?” She put her drink down and reached out for my hands. “Lia, you’re really not going to like it when I say this, but you have got to make a choice. You either carry on down this dark path of despair and self-pity, or you pull yourself up, get the closure you need, and move on. But whatever you choose, you absolutely cannot keep going like this.”
“He is fucking engaged, Annie. How much more closure do I need? He. Was. With. Another. Woman. Just like Alex. Twice in a row I’ve been shit on by guys I really thought I liked. By a guy I loved. A guy I wanted to spend my whole life with. A guy who I seriously thought was different from all those other wankers out there. A guy it’s killing me to let go. But I just can’t fight again. I can’t. There’s nothing left to give. If he wanted me, he’d have come out of that pub, told that bitch where to go, and he’d have fought for us. But he didn’t.”
The truth spilled out of me like verbal diarrhoea, and with it, for the first time in days, came the return of the crying mess I’d become accustomed to. Pushing Annie away, I ran to my bedroom, slammed the door shut and fell against it, blocking her from following me. The reality was, he didn’t care. He never had. And now I had to find a way to get past this. Except, to get past it, I needed to know if he ever cared. To do that, I needed to speak to him, but the thought of that ripped my heart in two. I was trapped in this vicious, twisted dance and there was no way out. No way I could see, at least.
Only when I heard a whispered goodbye and the sound of my front door closing did I move from my spot on the floor. I dragged myself to my bed, unable to move my legs from exhaustion and despair, and collapsed onto the mess of dirty bed sheets. I rolled onto Drew’s side, a faint hint of his scent lingering on his pillowcase. I always left his pillow, a little reminder of him and his scent. I never used that side of the bed anyway, and always switched it for a clean one before he arrived. I’d left that one reminder of him, unable to let go of that last tiny piece of perfection we’d had. It was there I lay, inhaling his musk, sobbing into his pillow.
EIGHTEEN
A brisk knock at the door jolted me from my numbness. I sat on my tub chair, covered in a blanket with a book in hand, although it would be a stretch to say I had been reading it. Staring blankly at the pages for hours, re-reading the same line over and over again would be more accurate. I ignored the knocking. There was a note on the door asking not to be disturbed. Annie was collecting all my post and parcels from the communal area, and everyone else was under strict instructions not to even think about coming to visit unless they’d cleared it with me first. Unexpected visitors were to be ignored, just like I was doing to this one.
Knock, knock, knock.
There it was again. Annoying little unexpected visitor this one was. I wondered if one of the other residents in my block had accidentally let in those do-gooders who pounded your door, trying to get you to see the error of your ways and find religion on your doorstep. Meh, they’d soon get the gist if I stayed quiet and didn’t answer.
Knock, knock, knock.
For fuck’s sake, this was getting really annoying. I couldn’t stay quiet anymore. I pushed myself up, grumbling about stupid fucking illiterate twats who couldn’t read a goddamn do not disturb sign as I walked to the door.
“What fucking part of do not disturb do you not fucking understand, you twat?” I shouted through the door. “I’m having a shit day, week, month—take your pick—and I do not want to fucking find salvation in some shitty little leaflet you’re going to tell me will solve my problems. Now, turn your twatty ass round and piss off!” I punched the door with the heel of my hand before turning and shuffling back to my comfy spot to wallow some more.
“Lia?”
I froze, recognition of that voice taking the air clean from my lungs. I reached for the kitchen worktop to steady myself. It couldn’t be. No, I wouldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it. Why, after over two weeks, would he be here? Why now?
“Drew?” I heard Annie say from the corridor. “You’ve got a nerve showing up here.”
“Annie, stop, please.” He sounded broken, just like I was. I could hear the pain in his voice. Staggering, I returned to the door and stole a glance through the spyhole. He looked terrible. His hair was unwashed and ruffled, his clothes creased, and the bags under his eyes rivalled mine. “I just need to explain things to her. I need to make this right. She won’t… she won’t answer my calls, my texts. I tried asking the guys to get in touch with her. Fuck, I didn’t even know where she went that day. By the time I got past Helen, Lia was already dust on the horizon. I’ve been out of my mind with worry, but scared she wouldn’t see me. Please, Annie. Please. You’ve got to let me talk to her.”
My breath hitched as I watched him, a shadow of his former self, pleading with my best friend as if she were my keeper. Pleading for a chance to make it right. I didn’t know if anything could make it right. Not now. Not after so much pain.
“Drew, she’s... she’s broken. It’s worse than even Alex. She barely sees me, so I doubt she’ll see you. But you go ahead, talk to the door if it’ll make you feel better. Maybe she’ll listen, maybe she won’t,” I heard Annie say, and then there was a soft click as her door shut, giving us all the privacy a conversation through a door would allow.
I stayed at the spyhole, glued to it, watching Drew to see what he would do next. Was he finally here to fight for me? Did I still want him to, or was it too late? He wiped his eyes on the back of his hand and turned to my door. He leaned against it, his forehead level with where mine was resting, only the thin piece of wood between us. It was the closest we had been in weeks, and my heart longed to be closer to him.
“I’m sorry, Lia. I am so, so sorry. If you’re in there, and God do I hope you are, I hope you’re listening. I never meant for you to find out about Helen this way. I never meant to hurt you. You are the absolute best thing that has ever walked into my life, and it’s been... desolate without you. There’s no sunshine anymore, no... anything. It’s just dark. Empty. I’m empty. Please, Lia. Please. Let me in.”
I could hear the familiar sounds of someone trying to hide the sound of their tears coming from the other side of the door. This wasn’t like with Alex. This wasn’t some show to get me to open the door. This was real. He was in so much pain, just like I was, but did I really owe it to him to hear him out? Did I owe it to us?
My heart won out over my head. I needed the answers. Perhaps this could be the closure we both needed. I reached out, my hand shaking, and opened the door. Drew looked up at me, his eyes red and bloodshot, tears running down his cheeks. Seeing him after so long, despite all the hurt, I couldn’t leave him there. I closed the distance between us in a second and held him tight, inhaling his familiar scent. I reached for the rough palms I loved so much, shocked by how much I’d missed them. My hands grabbed a handful of his unkempt hair and stroked his cheek. On tiptoes, I rested my forehead against his.
“You’re here. You’re really here,” I whispered, tears of my own mixing with his.
“I am, Lia, and I want to make this right. Please, let me explain.”
I nodded, unable to speak, and pointed at the sofa. He sat, head in hands, a pitiable sight. Nothing like the man I had fallen in love with, but still the man I loved, despite all that had happened. Returning to the sofa with a fresh cup of sweet tea for us both, I sat and waited for him to tell me his story.
A loaded silence hovered between us for what felt like an eternity. He seemed to be so relieved by my willingness to listen he had forgotten how to speak. I sat still, watching him from the corner of my eye. I’d bargained with the universe, begged it for one last time to see him, and they’d given it to me. But now I had it, I didn’t know if it would do more harm than good.
Drew took a deep, steadying breath and looked at me. I felt his gaze, slowly raising my eyes to meet his.
“Where should I start?” he asked, ready to tell me his tale.
“At the beginning. It’s a very good place to start usually.”
“Okay, here goes. But just… God, I have no right to ask this, but what the hell. Lia, just please listen to the whole story before you say anything, and if after that you want nothing to do with me, I’ll walk away and never come back. I promise you I’ll leave you alone to find happiness elsewhere.” He choked on his final words. The thought of this being the end was too much for him.
“Promise,” I said, conflicted. I wanted the answers, but I knew I probably wouldn’t like them. I wanted him to speak, but I knew it could be one of the last times I was ever calmed by his voice. My emotional turmoil battered my damaged heart; an island in the middle of a tsunami of sadness, regret, and spilled tears.
“Helen and I met when we were teenagers, and we hit it off straight away.” I flinched at the sound of her name, and he noticed. “She wasn’t always the way she is now. She was kind, caring. In fact, at the beginning, she was a lot like you.” I couldn’t stop the sharp intake of breath, and disgust flared through me at the thought of being compared to that evil bitch. He held his hand up. “Lia, don’t. You promised, remember?” Trying to control my emotions, I nodded.
“She had always wanted to be a nurse, so when the time came for us to go to university, the inevitable happened. I went one way, she went the other. We couldn’t handle the distance, not on student budgets, but we made each other a promise. If we hadn’t found ourselves ‘the one’ by the time we turned thirty, we’d find a way to make it work. It was stupid, the kind of idiotic promises you make when you’re younger, but she really meant it. That’s not to say I didn’t, or at least, I did at the time, but as the years went by, I forgot about it and moved on. Helen didn’t. She turned up as soon as she saw those photos of us together on social media. I hadn’t realised she was still on my profile. I swear I had no idea she’d behave like this.”
Drew paused, taking a long gulp of his tea and mulling over what to say next. It all sounded so plausible, but was it? Or was this all just some act? My gut was telling me it wasn’t, but my head was warning me not to be hurt, not to fall for a guy’s sob story again.
“Anyway, shortly after we got back from Cyprus, she started turning up unannounced. I thought about going to the police, but I knew she was harmless really, or at least I thought so. Turned out she had a key to the house. God knows how she got it. I know the guys wouldn’t have given it to her, and I had hers back when she left for uni. I guess she must have got a copy. She let herself in that Friday when you found her there. She snuck in whilst I was on the ladders and scared the shit out of me. It was her fault I fell. I was stupid, really. I should have gone to the police the first time she showed up, but I guess I just didn’t believe that guys got stalkers. I thought that kind of stuff only happened in films and to girls. But they’re on the case now and she’s not allowed anywhere near the house, or me. I told them about you as well, but they said you would need to make the complaint yourself. They got fed up with me pestering them, I think. One of the PCs told me to just come and speak to you, so here I am.”
He held up his hands and smiled. It wasn’t a full smile, but it was the first time I’d seen a glimpse of the old him. If this was true, and I was beginning to believe it more and more, Helen seriously was a screwed up piece of shit. He’d lost weight, like me, and his whole appearance showed the impact this whole situation had had on him. True to my word, I kept my mouth shut, although I really wanted to call Helen every name under the sun.
“That’s why I’ve been so worried about you. I didn’t think she knew where you lived, but I couldn’t trust that she wouldn’t hurt you. When you stopped responding or even reading my messages, I got so worried, Lia. I thought she’d somehow found you. That’s when I started asking the guys to get in touch, but you ignored them too. I gave it until last night to get a reply and then I made a promise to myself I’d come and check you were okay, explain what was happening with her, just so I knew you were safe. If you never wanted to hear from me again, I’d understand, but I needed to know you were okay. I care too much about you to risk losing you, but I don’t know if I already have…”
His voice trailed off, and I watched as his shoulders rose slightly higher, as if the weight of the last few weeks had vanished from him. The relief he felt at seeing I was safe, at telling me the whole story, was clear on his face. His beautiful face. The emerald eyes that were dull and empty. His mouth that was usually smiling, but was now turned down in sadness and worry.
“So… you were never engaged?” I asked, after what felt like a lifetime of silence.
“Never, I swear. I should have told you about her before, but I just, I dunno. I guess I was worried it might freak you out or something.”
“And you promise me, on your life, nothing has happened between you two since we’ve been together?” I watched him carefully as he answered, looking for any signs of nervousness.
“I swear on my life. Nothing happened between us. Nothing will ever happen between us. I don’t want her, I want you. You are the only person I can be myself with, who understands me. The only person I want to spend my life with, grow old with. I want us to do things together - houses, marriage, kids. I want to look back and think, yeah, I did it with the right person.”
“Drew, I… I want that too, all of it. But you really hurt me. Fucking broke me, worse than Alex. How do I know I can trust you?”
“You don’t, not definitely.” His brutal honesty shocked me, but I let him continue. “But I’m telling you now, for all my word is worth, you can. These last two weeks have been hell for me, and by the looks of it, it’s been the same for you too. But please, let’s move past this. Let’s move forward, together.”
“You really think I look terrible?” I asked, upset by his assessment. I mean, I knew I’d lost weight and looked a bit pale, but seriously, did that warrant being told I looked like I’d gone through hell? Cheeky git. “Sorry, I mean, that’s probably the least important thing you’ve said since you walked in.”
He laughed, a sound that reignited my fire and left my senses tingling for the first time in what felt like forever. A tiny spark of life lit his eyes, and they reminded me of that first time I’d met him. The first time I’d got lost in those evergreen-coloured eyes, like trees in summer. His smile melted my cold heart, brought warmth to my extremities again, and left my heart racing and my breathing ragged for the right reasons.
