My Maddie, page 21
The pain in AK’s eyes was so profound, it made my aching chest grow even tighter with sadness. In the past, AK had always been the person who saved Flame, the person who had freed Flame from the hospital that imprisoned him and given him a home. AK had committed the gravest of actions, simply to give his friend temporary reprieve from the pain he held in his heart. AK had been Flame’s protector. I knew it must have been agony to be a witness to his friend’s obvious inner pain. “It’s good to see you, brother,” AK rasped. I studied Flame for any sign that he had heard AK. There was no response, not even a squeeze of my hand. AK’s happiness at seeing Flame faded, like a drop of water quickly slipping off a leaf in a storm.
“Is everything ready?” I asked AK, trying to defuse an awkward moment. AK tore his concerned gaze from Flame. I gave him a reassuring smile, nodding in confirmation this would work. It had to, because I did not know what else to do to help my husband beyond this.
“Everything’s ready.” AK’s eyes drifted above my head, in the direction of Viking’s cabin. I turned to view what had caught his attention. My heart immediately swelled. Asher. Asher was standing in the doorway. Then my stomach fell as I witnessed the black rings that circled his eyes and the wounds on his neck and hands. But Asher was not looking at me or AK. His focus was directed to one person and one person only—his brother. The brother he loved more than any other soul on earth.
“Asher,” I called, trying to keep from crying at the shattered look on his face. In that moment, I felt a true failure. I did not know how to care for either of them. I did not know how to fix the Cade brothers. They were both lost, both so filled with pain and fear which would not ease. At the mention of Asher’s name, Flame snapped his head up and focused straight on his little brother. It felt like a punch to my chest when Asher met Flame’s stare. Asher swallowed, and his dark eyes began to shine.
“Flame,” Asher rasped, voice broken and coarse. Flame’s hand tightened around mine. I heard Flame’s quick inhale of breath at Asher calling his name. I wanted so desperately to know what Flame was thinking in the here and now. The last time he had been with Asher, they had been tied to trees, hurt, bleeding… and Flame had imagined Asher as Isaiah. He had replaced Asher with the memory of his late brother. I saw how that had crushed Asher, making him feel unwanted, and unworthy when compared to Isaiah.
Asher’s obvious worry for Flame was heartbreaking. Asher appeared tough these days. He was as tall as Flame and almost as wide—muscular and intimidating. His dark features made him seem harder than he was. But when it came down to it, he was a child, desperate to please the older brother he worshipped. Neither knew how to navigate a relationship with the other.
Both were broken.
Both sought any scrap of happiness they could muster. But that happiness forever seemed to evade them.
Flame’s gaze dropped to the ground when it all became too much. “Ash… Ash…” he ground out, his voice hoarse from lack of use. His voice trailed off and I saw redness burst on to his cheeks. He shook his head, unable to express what he wanted to say, frustrated that he could not find the words. Flame stepped closer to me, his chest brushing against my back. He was seeking my comfort.
Fighting the tightness in my throat, I asked, “Asher, you are coming with us, yes?” Asher’s troubled eyes darted from Flame to me.
“I didn’t know him,” he said tightly, and pulled out a cigarette, turning his back on us. Asher’s muscles were tight at his shoulders. His head dropped to look out into the woods. He took a long inhale of his cigarette. I prayed to God to give me the strength to heal them both.
“He was your brother too,” I said carefully. I felt Flame tense behind me. His fingers began to twitch.
“Maddie?” Flame rasped into my ear and I turned to face him. Flame’s panicked black eyes immediately fixed on mine. This time the pain and fear in them shined as brightly as the North Star.
“We need to say goodbye,” I whispered. Immediately, I saw the color drain from Flame’s face. I cupped his cheek; his skin was as cold as stone. “You must say goodbye to Isaiah, baby.” My hand slipped to cover his heart. “All this pain you harbor inside, the memories you fight off in the cellar each day… they must be put to rest. They must be put to rest so that you can rest. Finally, baby. Your soul needs to heal, for that it needs rest.” I blinked away the tears building in my eyes. “You are tired. So, so tired. It is time to breathe. It is time to remove the shackles from your heart and lungs and be free.”
“I… I can’t,” he said. His lips began to tremble. His defeated demeanor destroyed me where I stood. I heard AK clear his throat from behind us, and Viking curse under his breath. Flame like this, so defeated and scared, was a torture to witness.
“You can,” I countered and gently kissed his lips. “I shall be with you every step of the way, as will your best friends.” Flame glanced to AK and Viking over my shoulder. Then I glanced to Asher who was listening intently, listening to his brother buckling under the weight of his pain. The pain Flame was feeling reflected in Asher’s agonized expression, for all the world to see. “And Asher too,” I said. Asher’s head snapped up. I held my hand out to him in offering. Asher stared at my outstretched hand like it was laced with. Flame’s haunted gaze followed the path to his brother. Asher briefly met Flame’s eyes. Then I heard Flame hold his breath.
Asher would not have heard this, nor would AK or Viking. But having Flame so close, I did. He was holding his breath, awaiting Asher’s answer. Flame wanted Asher to come with us. He would never say so, but the held breath, that suspended moment where he waited for Asher’s answer, broke my heart. Asher was loved, so very loved, but he was blind to it. Darkness occluded that truth like a blindfold. I would not force Asher to come. He had been through so much too. This had to be his choice.
“Ash…” Flame rasped.
Tears built in Asher’s eyes. Before his tears could fall, Asher turned and fled inside the house. Flame did not move, he just stared at the place his brother had been standing.
“Let’s get on the road,” AK said.
Pulling gently on Flame’s hand, I told AK, “Our bags are in the spare room.” AK walked past us and into our cabin. I led Flame to the van. If anything, Asher’s unwillingness to join us seemed to break his spirit. I had not thought it was possible. Flame joined me in the back of the van. He sat beside the window, placing his hand in mine. I laid my head on his arm, taking strength from the warmth of his skin. Viking jumped into the passenger seat.
“Sister Ruth is waiting at her apartment.” AK would not let us travel without her being present.
A spark of something unknown seemed to light in Viking’s eyes. He made to turn away but cast a quick glance at Flame and gave me one of his warmest smiles. Viking was always smiling. His energy was infectious. “This’ll work, Madds. Flame, this’ll fucking work.”
I smiled at Viking. The back doors of the van opened. AK put our bags inside. He climbed into the driver’s side and started up the van. “Ready?” he asked. I nodded and AK began reversing the van out of the clearing. We were about to drive along the graveled path, when a loud knocking sounded on the van doors. AK brought the van to a speedy stop.
“What the fuck?” he shouted. The side doors flew open. Relief flooded my veins when in saw Asher, bag in hand, breathless from chasing the van. His eyes were wary. His cheeks were flushed. But he climbed into the van, silently and sat behind Flame and me.
“Little fucking Ash!” Viking declared and shook his head. “Leave the amateur dramatics to me in the future, yeah? I’m the motherfucking prima donna in this group.”
“You can say that again,” AK confirmed, smirking at Viking. AK turned back to us. “We fucking ready now?”
I nodded, trying to hide the smile on my lips. Asher had come. He had come with us… I looked over my shoulder and held out my free hand. Asher’s jaw clenched. He eventually reached out and held my hand. Thank you, I mouthed. Asher nodded once, then withdrew his hand.
As I settled my head back onto Flame’s shoulder, he exhaled a long breath, muscles losing their tension. I kissed his bicep. Flame was relieved. Asher was here, and Flame was happy about it. “I love you,” I whispered, as the van took us out of the compound, and toward Ruth’s home. We were up and running. We were going back to a place I believed we would never return. For closure… to shut the final door… to find peace… to find much-needed peace.
*****
“So, Ruth, how long have you been a doula?” Viking asked Sister Ruth. We had been on the road for hours. Flame still gazed out of the window. He had not yet found sleep, but he had not become restless. He was still numb.
“I trained formally when we left The Order. But I was the midwife in our compound in Puerto Rico.”
“You like it?” Viking asked. He leaned over the chair he sat in. His chin rested on his folded arms. He had barely taken his eyes off Ruth since she got in the van. He had barely drawn breath in asking her lots of questions.
“I loved it,” Ruth replied. She was dressed in jeans and a blue shirt. Her long dark hair fell in waves down her back. She was beautiful. And I believed Viking thought so too.
Viking nodded. “It’s funny, you and I have a lot in common.”
“We do?” Ruth asked, confusion lacing her voice.
“Yeah,” Viking confirmed, nodding. “You’ve seen a lot of pussies up close, so have I.” The van became silent.
“Is that so?” Ruth finally managed to say. Tension built in her shoulders at Viking’s crass comparison.
“Yeah,” He shrugged. “Of course, I’ve licked more cunts than I’ve seen. You know, sometimes it is fucking dark in the compound when I’ve got a leg tossed over my shoulder and I’m deep in the magic ‘V’. But over the years I’ve become a real fucking good pussy connoisseur.” I glanced to Ruth. Her cheeks were bright red and her brown eyes were saucer wide. “So,” Viking continued, roving his eyes over Ruth. “You ever need your pussy licked, you know where to come. Just putting the offer out there.”
“Shut the fuck up, Vike!” AK said, exasperated.
“What?” Viking asked, arms wide. “Can’t a brother offer his services without getting shit for it. I’m good at licking pussy, is that a fucking crime? We all have our fucking talents. You can shoot from miles away, Flame can kill with one blade, and I can make a bitch cream in two point five seconds. All talents are fucking valid, AK. I’m a lover, not a fighter.” Viking turned back to Ruth. “You know where to find me, Ruthie girl.”
“Okay,” she said and frowned. “Thank you… I think?”
“You’re fucking welcome.” Viking nudged AK when he faced forward again. “See? Some people appreciate my giving nature, unlike you, you moody fucker.”
“I’m pulling in to this motel,” AK said, the van turning right. I stretched my back.
“Are you okay, Maddie?” Ruth asked.
I nodded. “My back is aching, but I am okay.” Flame took tighter hold of my hand. I faced him, rubbing his arm. “I am okay.” His eyes finally met mine, the first time he had torn his gaze from the window all journey.
“Ruth,” Viking said, wincing. “I got something that aches too. Wanna take a look for me?” Ruth innocently went to open her mouth to respond, when
AK grabbed Viking by the collar of his cut and dragged him from the van. “We’ll get the rooms.”
AK and Viking went to the small reception. It was dark and late. We had planned to do most of the driving today. Ruth stepped out of the van leaving Asher, Flame and I alone. “If we leave early in the morning, then we will be in West Virginia at a good time,” I said. Flame grew still at the mention of West Virginia. I glanced back to Asher. He was staring out of the open van doors at the dark night sky. “Is that okay, Asher?” He fidgeted on the seat. Asher nodded his approval, then reached for his bag and jumped out of the van. I inhaled.
Am I even doing the right thing?
AK and Viking approached. AK threw a key at Asher. He darted across the car lot and disappeared into a room. He seemed in a hurry to get away from us. It was probably all too much for him. He probably needed time alone. We were taking him back to a place filled with painful memories. He would breathe in the familiar air of pain and sadness. Walk on soil tarnished by blood and abuse.
“Let us go to our room,” I said to Flame. He followed me out of the van.
“There’s a diner around back,” AK said. “You coming with us to get food?”
Flame tensed at AK’s question and began leading me away from his friends toward our room. AK saw this, his shoulders sank in disappointment. “We’ll bring you some back. Y’all have to eat.”
“Thank you,” I said. I took the key from AK’s outstretched hand. I led Flame to our room. As soon as we entered, he pulled me to the bed and lay down. I lay down beside him. Flame’s face was pale with lack of sleep. I pressed my hand to his cheek. “Sleep, baby, tomorrow will be here soon.”
Flame blinked. “I… I don’t. My head…” He tapped his temple. “It hurts.”
“I know,” I said and kissed the center of his forehead. It was his trepidation and fear. I knew it was. Going back to his home, to the place that was the genesis of all his pain, was never going to be easy. I lay my head on his chest. “Do you know how much I love you, Flame?” Flame’s arm wrapped around me, in confirmation. As soon as it did, our baby moved. “Our baby is moving,” I said. Flame froze. He pulled back his arm and moved a foot away from me. I held on to his hand. His eyes were wide and fearful. “Our baby is well, Flame. Our child is moving because you are near. He or she loves you,” I stated, my voice growing strained with emotion. I moved closer to Flame, placing my hand on his waist. I settled against his chest once more. “Sleep, baby,” I gently urged and stroked my hand up and down his arm. “Sleep. Rest.” Flame’s body relaxed into the mattress. I closed my eyes listening to Flame breathe.
All would be well.
*****
As we passed the sign welcoming us to West Virginia, Flame and Asher’s demeanor changed. Both sets of eyes hardened. I had shared with AK where we must go. As the few hours to our final destination counted down, the more I doubted this plan would work. I did not know if Flame would understand. Whether he could ever replace the turbulent memory of Isaiah dying in his arms, with that of a goodbye. I glanced out of the window when AK cleared his throat. I looked to the rearview mirror. AK nodded. I caught his reflection. We were close.
Asher’s leg bounced behind us. I turned and saw him biting his nails. He knew the area. No doubt the memories of this place were preying on his mind, the heavy weight of memories pulling him down to a place he did not want to go. My head snapped back to Flame when his finger started tapping on my wrist. He was mumbling under his breath… “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven…” He would breathe in, his finger would pause, then he would start again. “One, two…” I forced the tears away from my eyes. I told myself that Flame would not break. Eleven. It was always eleven… Isaiah had taken eleven small breaths before he lost his fight.
Silence became a scream as the van stopped. The area was deserted. Trees and high grass swayed in the breeze. Birds sang their songs from their perches on tree branches. And the water that formed the river played a soothing symphony as it danced toward the sea.
I kissed the back of Flame’s hand. “We are here,” I said to Flame. His attention was fixed on the river. I knew it would be. Isaiah’s memory was so burned into Flame’s soul, I knew he would recognize the river where his youngest brother’s ashes were scattered. “Come,” I said, as AK opened the door.
“We’ll stay back here,” he offered, nodding to Viking and Ruth.
Suddenly nerves erupted in my stomach, stealing my strength. This time it was me who squeezed Flame’s hand tightly. He must have sensed my distress, for his head moved off the window and his distraught eyes met mine. I stepped out of the van. I ran my hand over my baby bump feeling my throat clog with sadness. This was our baby, our miracle, our hearts. I looked to the river and thought of Isaiah. I thought of Flame’s mother. Even unborn, I would give my life for our baby. What must her life had been like? How broken must she have been to leave her two children behind. To leave Flame, who desperately needed her, and baby Isaiah, who was helpless.
Asher came out of the van behind us. I reached back and clutched his hand. He tensed in surprise. But my heart cried anew. Asher’s mother had taken her life too. I cast my gaze from Asher to Flame. They were two beats of my heart, and they had been left alone. I found myself fixated on the river again. In the current, in the spirit of the water itself, lived Isaiah. A Cade brother I knew I would have l also loved beyond measure. Three Cade boys, all broken by the father they loved unconditionally. All they ever wanted was that love returned. They never got their greatest wish. I closed my eyes and felt a tear escape down my cheeks, no matter how hard I tried to hold it back. They were left believing they were unloved. They pushed everyone away, made bad decisions about people, because they did not know how to love or how to be loved.
I brought both hands to my mouth. I kissed the back of Asher hand, and then the back of Flame’s. I led them forward, leaving our friends behind. I ran my thumb over Flame’s pulse. It was racing. When we stopped on the shallow bank of the river, the water mere inches away, Flame whispered, “Maddie…” I turned to my husband and noted the distress so clearly inhabiting his dark gaze.
“You never got to say goodbye, Flame, to Isaiah. They took him from you, when they cast his ashes in this river. They stole your rightful goodbye.” I lay my head on his shoulder. “It is time you said farewell… we are here for you to say goodbye to your baby brother.” Flame’s breathing became erratic. I looked to Asher. His face was stricken. “Isaiah was your brother too, Asher,” I said softly. Tears fell down Asher’s cheeks, yet he did not move. “Although you did not know him, Isaiah was your older brother.”
