Take Me Away, page 14
“I’d never make the mistake of calling us normal,” Cole chuckled. “We’re still kind of figuring it all out.”
I looked at Derek. He squeezed my thigh and nodded at me again. “I’m proud of you,” he murmured.
“I haven’t done it yet.”
“But you’re about to. This is a huge step.”
“I might need you to give me a push.”
“Whatever you need, baby.”
My hands shook in my lap and I tried to steady my breathing.
It took longer than normal to reach my parents’ house, but we arrived in one piece.
And all the nervousness I’d been feeling the whole ride over suddenly exploded.
“Yeah, help?” I looked around wildly.
Derek’s hand rested lightly on my shoulder. “Ready?”
I bit my lip and nodded.
He reached over and yanked on the door handle.
Then gave me a hard shove.
I stumbled out of the cab, half gratefully amused, half shocked he’d actually done it. Then I looked around at a place that felt alien, but so very much like home.
The curtains fluttered in the window. They were inside. I breathed a sigh of relief that my father wasn’t outside struggling with the wet heavy snow.
Derek closed the door, and Cole had driveway cleared in about ten seconds flat. I took a deep breath and went to the window. Derek rolled it down. “Kiss me?”
His lips brushed lightly against mine. I pouted. “I want more.”
He tapped me on the nose. “No more procrastinating!”
"Time to get our shit together, right?” I said, low so that Cole couldn't hear.
Derek said nothing, but he kissed me, hard and insistent. "Good luck.”
"You too," I whispered. Then I shut the door and waved as they drove off.
The curtain at the window fluttered again. I took a deep breath, and then went to my parents’ door.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Derek
“Soooo?” My brother’s teasing sing-song sounded just like he was ten years old again. “She seems to liiiiike you.”
“Shut it, Cole.”
“And you’re slightly less impossible to be around.”
“Shut it, Cole.”
“So that must mean you liiiiiike her too.”
“Maybe more than you like Autumn,” I snapped.
His mouth actually fell open. I’d never seen my smartass brother at a loss for words before. “Damn,” he mouthed. He cleared his throat then clapped his hand down on my shoulder and sort of jostled me from side to side in lieu of a hug. “That’s intense man. I’m… I’m happy for you.”
“I’m trying.” I looked down. “I keep finding reasons why it can’t actually be real, though. I’m not used to things… being good.”
Cole fell silent for a moment. Always thinking out several steps ahead of me, he cut right to the chase. “She’s got some serious baggage, I’m guessing?”
I clenched and unclenched my fists. “Leaving her alone like that physically hurt.”
“She’s a big girl, she can handle it.”
“I know. But.. I’d feel better if I was keeping watch somehow. I feel like I should.”
“You’re her guard dog or something?”
“Self-appointed.” I shifted in my seat. “Her ex was a piece of shit, Cole.”
“How shitty we talking?”
I wasn’t sure how much Aria wanted me sharing. “Shitty enough that if I ever come face-to-face with him, I’m going to wind up in jail for murder.”
“That’s… shitty.” He paused a moment. “Is he after her or something?”
“I don’t know. But I worry about her being alone. Even though she’s with her parents, she’s still not… with me.”
“She’s staying here, right?”
“She says she is.”
“Well then, you can’t be at her side all the time, right? How would that work? She’s trying to do her bra shopping or whatever and here you are lurking in the lingerie shop like a creep?”
“She can get her bras online,” I grumbled. But I could see what he was saying.
“If you prevent her from going out and living her new life, how is that real love?”
I stiffened.
“Oh!” Cole chuckled. “You’re not using the L word yet?”
I rolled it around in my head, then worked my tongue around my mouth. Like I was testing it, tasting it. “I might start,” I confessed.
Cole whistled softly. “So okay, I’m definitely going to go home and breathe into a paper bag after hearing you say that. But putting that aside for a second….”
“Why do I even talk to you?” I asked the sky.
Cole ignored me. “Back to your, ‘I don’t like leaving her alone’ thing. Of course you can’t actually make that workable. But, maybe, if she does need to run out to go bra shopping, you could meet her for coffee after?”
“Huh?”
“Come down to town with her, Derek.” He pulled up to a stop light and turned to face me. “Be a part of things again. For her. With her.”
My hands wanted to tremble. I shoved them under my thighs the way I’d seen Aria do, and was surprised that it actually worked. I felt steadier. “For her,” I repeated.
“Tell you what.” The light turned green and he turned back the road. “Start small. Come over to dinner. I finally got the permits straightened out, so I can finally show you what I’m actually doing down at the marina. Then we can all go to dinner. The four of us. Sound good?”
“That… actually does.”
Cole shot me another smug look. “Damn. Love makes you one-hundred and fifty percent more bearable to be around. Next time I see Aria, I’m going to have to thank her.”
“Yeah, yeah. Don’t get used to it,” I grumbled, then lapsed into a fake-offended silence.
But I was really worrying about Aria.
Her bravery took me aback. Chastened me. I wanted to measure up to her. Which is why I needed Cole to stop prying into my love life and make one more stop.
“Turn here,” I instructed.
Cole snorted. “I love how much you’re appreciating my skill with a plow. Where am I heading now?”
I stood in front of the small, ranch-style house, as the sound of Cole’s pick up receded into the distance. Jesse and his family lived out on the south end of town, one of the few neighborhood houses before the highway opened up. It was a small, one-story place, with an addition on the back, and a wheelchair ramp up the side. I swallowed when I thought about what that ramp meant and why it was there.
Then I got to work.
Down here in the valley, the storm had dumped about eighteen inches of heavy, wet stuff. Clearing it from Jesse's driveway was backbreaking work, and for a second I thought about calling Cole back.
But that wasn't why I was here.
As I cleared it, one shovelful of the time, I cleared away the guilt. Lifting the wet slop was a form of atonement, digging myself on out from under the mass of guilt and remorse that had weighed me down for three long years. For all this time I had been atoning in secret, playing the role of anonymous benefactor and for what? To make it up to the man I’d wronged, sure.
But he had no idea I was apologizing, and what good did that do us? He was still mad, and I was still hiding from his anger.
It took Aria to make me realize that my secret work had nothing to do with apology, and everything to do with my ego. I couldn’t face what I’d done to Jesse, so I’d hidden from him and tried to fix it in secret.
But no more.
This was my apology. This was my action that would speak louder than anything I’d done before. Because I was here. Out of my comfortably hidden perch on the ridge and down here helping my friend.
I was so intent on my task, that I didn't notice the seated figure on the porch until I was almost on top of him.
He was watching me. don't know how long he had been watching me, but he didn't say a word. He sat in his wheelchair, his gloved hands resting on his lap, quietly watching me as I dug out his family. Small boot prints were scattered through the snow. His daughter had already been out here, probably attempting to build a snowman.
I went back to my shoveling, I could feel him watching me, but I said nothing until I had the whole driveway clear. Then I turned to him. "Do you have a hoe or something?" I asked.
He nodded once. "It's in the garage. I’ll go open it." He rolled himself inside and I waited for a second until the garage door opened by itself. I stepped in to see the line of gardening implements hung neatly on the wall. "Kenzie has a garden, in the summertime," Jesse explained in the doorway. "She usually does the shoveling too but she’s pregnant again. ”
I looked it up at him. "Congratulations."
His eyebrows lifted, but he didn't say anything. After a moment, I took the hoe out into the driveway and used it to hack up the layer of icy slush that still coated the driveway. It came up in great satisfying chunks I then shoveled away. Bit by bit, I finally scraped the entire driveway clean.
I stopped to catch my breath, and looked up. Jesse was still watching me from his garage. He wasn’t wearing his prosthetic today and I got a good long look at the stump where his leg used to be.
The heaviness of things unsaid hung in the air.
"You want to come in and warm up?" he called.
I swallowed and nodded, and followed him into the small house.
He gestured to the couch which was strewn with toys and stuffed animals and assorted baby crap. I heard nails on a hardwood floor and looked up. “Oh my God, Mojo?" I called to the big friendly yellow lab.
He sniffed, and let out a small woof of recognition, then trotted over, tail wagging, to put his head in my lap. "Hey Mojo dude, you're getting old.” The gray hairs around his eyes made him look like he was wearing a mask. I scratched him behind the ears, then patted him on his side.
He let out a contented snuffling sound and settled down at my feet.
Jesse rolled in with a mug. "I'd offer you a nip of something, but…" He trailed off.
I nodded. “This is fine." I took a sip of the microwaved hot cocoa.
Jesse watched me with inscrutable eyes. "I've missed you, man," he said. "How've you been?"
I leaned back on the couch. How had I been? Wasting time with arrogance, remorse, and guilt. "I'm doing better. How about you?"
Just then, Kenzie came waddling in, her great big belly leading first. She stood next to Jesse and watched me with concern in her eyes.
Jesse threaded his arm around his wife's waist. "I'm doing better too,” he said. “Got a new leg and everything. I can stand up and even take a few steps now. It’s pretty cool.” Then he looked up at his wife. "Kenzie? You okay?”
Kenzie blinked, and a flash of something a little like anger shone in her eyes. And why not? I’d robbed her of the husband she’d married, the one who’d stood at the altar on two legs and promised her the world. She’d lost something because of me too. I waited for the anger to boil over.
It was there and then it was gone. Like I’d imagined it. I'd just expected to see it there and it never actually was.
Because the next thing she did was smile. “Derek. It's so good to see you again."
Chapter Thirty-Five
Aria
I'd already drunk too much coffee today, but I didn't say anything as my mother refilled my cup.
Right now - with the way things were - it didn't feel right to refuse anything she wanted to give me.
She’d opened the door before I could knock. She didn’t cry out when she saw me standing there, but her lip wobbled. Just a little.
Just enough.
“Mommy.” I walked into her arms.
She hugged me for as long as I needed, then she hugged me as long as she needed.
And neither of us said a word about why I’d left, why I’d never called her or why she’d never called me.
Instead she asked if I wanted coffee.
And I said yes.
Now I sat at the kitchen table of my childhood, clutching a chipped rainbow mug.
She sat down heavily across from me, and once more, I was struck by the fact that she was so much older than the last time I'd seen her.
The skin around her eyes, always crepey, was now deeply furrowed, and the gray hairs she'd been fighting with for my entire childhood had won over her head completely. I couldn't tell if she'd lost weight or gained weight. Her face was thin, but her hips were well padded, and I got the sense that her knees were bothering her terribly.
My father came stomping in with another armful of wood. "We would've been okay," he muttered.
“Glenn,” my mother chided, gently. “It as a nice gesture. You’re going to give yourself a heart attack with that shovel.”
My father seemed about to say something else, but he pressed his lips together and went into the living room.
"He's really glad you're here," my mother said ineffectually.
"It's okay. We don't have to get everything done all at once in one visit, Mom."
“You’re not leaving again tomorrow, right?”
“Not at all.”
She nodded once, her eyes filling. “How are you up there? Do you like it? Are you happy?”
“You mean, am I going to stay?”
I could see her throat tighten as she swallowed. “Well, yes. Are you?”
I nodded once, just like she had. “I think so, Mom. Things are…they’re getting better.”
“I’m glad to hear that.”
“I’m working on a solo album,.”
She smiled softly. “I can’t wait to hear it.”
I nodded again and then looked down at my hands.
My mother twisted her wedding ring around, the way she always did when she was uncomfortable. "Was there, was there something else you wanted?" she asked haltingly.
The hurt that bubbled up, it was old hurt. I always thought she should just understand me without me explaining.
But I was my own person and she was too. I didn't need to feel that hurt.
I was beyond that now.
"Actually," I said. “Yes. There is something else.”
My mother looked up at me, hope in her eyes. "What can we do for you?"
She'd always wanted to do things for me, but I’d never been able to accept them because I was too wrapped up in my own hurt. I took a deep breath. "I was wondering if you might want to look at the albums with me."
Her eyes widened. She stood up, dusting her hands off on the sides of her pants. “Glenn?” she called. "Come into the kitchen."
My father appeared in the doorway. "Why, what's going on?"
My mother's voice was soft, but strained. "Aria wants to look at the albums."
I felt something pass between them, and though I couldn't name it, I could feel it. It felt like something under great tension had suddenly released, like a rubber band snapping when stretched too far. Instantly, the air in the kitchen felt lighter.
My mother disappeared into the living room. I didn’t have to follow her. I could picture her kneeling down, reaching into the bottom of the built-in shelf by the fireplace to gather up the precious albums in her arms . Then running her hand over the faded covers before she stood back up again.
She returned with them stacked high in her arms. Those old relics in out-of-fashion colors.
A document of a life cut way too short.
"What do you want to see?" my mother asked.
I took a deep breath. I didn't know where to start, but I had to start somewhere. "How about when she was in high school?"
My mother opened the sea green album, turning without hesitation right to the picture I'd always thought of as quintessentially Violet. My sister leaned up against the front porch of this very house with one leg resting on the porch rail. Her legs were long and tanned, and it was clearly the end of summer because her hair was bleached out by the sun. She smiled out from underneath her heavy bangs, and even the faded film couldn't mask the crystal blue of her eyes.
I've seen this picture probably a hundred times, but I never did more than glance at it and imagine myself in her place.
This time, I looked at my mom. "What's the occasion?"
My mother ran her finger down the side of the album. "First day of school, actually," she said. "It was so hot that day. I was all up in arms about how short her shorts were, but looking back on it, they're not even that short at all, are they?"
I looked again. "Pretty tame by today's standards."
Mom nodded. “She argued with me so hard that morning. She's smiling in this picture, but she’s so pissed at me. You can tell by the way she's wrinkling her nose, see that?"
I leaned forward. It was true, her nose was wrinkled upward in a little tiny snarl. I laughed. "I guess I can’t imagine you guys ever fighting."
"Oh, we fought all the time. She was quite headstrong."
I grinned. “As bad as me?"
My mother smiled. "Well, I do like to say that I raised two girls who knew exactly what they wanted with their lives.”
That wasn’t’t really true. Except… it sort of was now.
I turned the page. "What about here, what's going on?”
It was an off-center shot, with the clear outline of someone's thumb in the corner of the print. My sister was smiling in front of what I recognized as the old beach at Reckless Creek.
"This one is from when your Uncle Tyler came to visit."
"The one from California?"
"Yes.” My mom leaned forward, looking. "I think he's supposed to be in this picture but I'm such a terrible photographer that he's probably under my thumb."
"You guys don't talk anymore, do you?”
My mother shook her head sadly. "He found himself a new girlfriend.” She sighed sadly. "And he's all wrapped up in her life now. It's not like we're actually angry at each other, but you know, Christmas and holidays and birthdays, those are the only times I hear from him."
I reached over and closed my hand over my mother’s and squeezed. She dabbed at her eyes. I leaned forward again, peering at the picture of my sister. "What was she doing here?"
