The View From A Rusty Train Car, page 6
“Oh... thanks.”
“She wasn’t hesitating because she would be going with you. She just wasn’t thrilled about going back to high school for another prom. She said she went through hers and that was enough.”
“I don’t blame her.” Luke stared at his feet, kicking up dirt.
“But when I told her that she would just need to show up for Grand March and that we would be headed off to a party, she agreed.”
“What happens if I want to stay? You know? Dance for a little bit. That’s what prom is for.” Luke was aware that his voice had a harsh edge to it.
Jared’s smile disappeared. “I thought you’d want to get out of there as fast as you could.”
“Well, maybe I don’t. Maybe I want to dance some.” Luke jumped off the swing, turning away from Jared.
“Is something wrong?”
“No! I just thought since we’re going to spend all this money on the tuxes and flowers that maybe we should stay a little longer.” Luke picked up a rock, throwing it across the road.
Jared leaned against a pole of the swing set. “Who is it? Who’s the one you’re interested in?”
Luke turned, shocked at the lack of emotion in Jared’s voice. “Well... no one in particular.”
“Oh, really? If it’s no one then why are you trying to get out of spending time alone with me?”
Luke grabbed the pole. The acidic tone to Jared’s voice was more like what he was expecting. “I’m not! We have the whole night. I just thought it would be nice to...”
“I thought we already agreed to all of this!” Jared pushed the swing out of his way. It swung back, hitting Luke in the chest.
Luke marched up to him, putting his finger in Jared’s face. “No, Jared! You agreed to it! I haven’t said anything one way or another.”
“Only because you’ve done nothing to help. You just sit and nod your head.” Jared pushed his hand away.
Luke took a deep breath, knowing Jared was right. He put his hand on Jared’s shoulder, turning him.
Jared threw his hand off and walked away. He stopped, turning back to him. “You know what? Fine. I get it. You don’t want to go. You never wanted to go. Just don’t worry about it anymore. You just do whatever the hell it is you want. I won’t bother you about it.”
“Jed, wait!” Luke started toward him.
Jared turned, looking him in the eye. “No! Just stop! I’m sick of this. This is obviously much more important to me than it is to you. If you don’t think it’s important then... This whole fucking situation is hard enough as it is. I don’t need to keep going through this!”
Luke watched Jared disappear down the road. “Damn it! He’s right. Why can’t I do this one thing for him?” He had to stop him. “Jared! Come back here!”
Jared yelled over his shoulder. “Luke, no! I’m done with everything. Just leave me the hell alone.”
Hearing those words was like a punch in the stomach. Luke quickly wiped away a tear, ready to run after him. He stopped, thoughts swirling around in his head. “Maybe it’s all for the best. Life would be easier.” He watched Jared disappear around the corner then made his way back to the swing. “Then why does it feel like life is over.” Everything in him wanted to run to Jared. “What did I do?”
Luke got off the swing. Deciding he wasn’t ready to go home yet, he headed toward town. He needed time to clear his head.
Memories of the two of them bombarded his mind as he looked at the familiar surroundings. A memory of Jared was attached to everything, reminders of how easily Jared could make him laugh and, most importantly, how Jared was the only one who made him feel loved.
Luke turned to the chain link fence around the basketball court and slammed his hands against it. “Why does it have to be so damned hard?” He laid his head against it, not noticing his classmate, Phillip, was just a few feet away on the other side.
“Luke? Are you okay?”
Luke jumped, trying to regain his composure. “Oh! Hey, Phillip. Yeah. I’m fine. How are you?”
Phillip walked up to him, standing just on the other side. “You look awful. Something’s wrong.”
Luke forced a smile, not realizing it was so evident. “It’s nothing. I just had a fight with someone.”
“Jared?” Phillip whispered.
Luke’s heart raced and his throat tightened. “What?”
“Well I just thought...”
Luke could barely breathe, forcing a chuckle to cover. “Oh. So you’ve heard the rumors, huh?” He shook his head. “The guys can be such assholes!”
“I haven’t heard any rumors.” Phillip crossed his arms and grinned at Luke. “I can just tell. Jared’s in love with you. It’s pretty obvious.”
Luke laughed again, walking away. “Whatever. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Yes I do!” Phillip yelled, running up beside him. “I know exactly what you guys are going through. I can’t say that I blame him.”
Luke stopped, turning to see Phillip standing with his head down. “What do you mean?”
Phillip looked him in the eyes with a smile. “You know what I mean. It’s difficult to be like us... especially in this town.”
Luke was stunned. It was one thing for him and Jared to be going through this, but he’d never thought there might be others. A thousand questions raced through his mind as he walked back to Phillip. “How... what do...?” He took a deep breath. “It’s so confusing. You know? The feelings... The...”
“Attraction?”
“Yeah. I guess.” Luke looked away, folding his arms, uncomfortable admitting it. “Phillip, listen. I’m not gay! I’m not attracted to other guys. I just have all these confused feelings about him. I don’t understand.”
“Do you love him?”
“What?” Luke looked around, conscious about who might hear them. Realizing they were alone he leaned into Phillip.
“Jared? Do you love him?” Phillip lowered his voice.
Luke rubbed his face. “You mean...? I don’t know. Maybe. I guess I love him. You know. Like that.”
“Luke, come on. You either do or you don’t.”
Luke clutched the fence. “It’s not that simple.”
Phillip made his way around the fence. Standing in front of Luke, he put his hand on his shoulder. “I get it. I do. It’s hard because Jared is sure, isn’t he?”
Luke looked at him and nodded. Surprised by a tear that formed in his eye, he brushed it away quickly and stood up.
“Come on.” Phillip tugged on Luke’s arm. “Let’s go to my house. We can talk about it.”
Luke felt uneasy about the invitation. Can I trust him? Caution stilled his tongue. What if Phillip isn’t genuine about what he’s saying? Is he setting me up?
Phillip touched his arm. “I know we don’t know each other that well, but you need to talk to someone about this – someone besides Jared. He’s too close to what’s happening.”
Luke looked into his eyes and started to cry. “I don’t know if I can. I spend all my time thinking about how to hide it, not talk about it.”
Phillip smiled. “Then do it for me. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it either. Maybe we’ll figure something out.”
Luke thought for a moment. It would be great to talk about things with someone that understood. “Sure. What the hell. I’ve got nothing to lose.”
Phillip laughed. “And if you’re interested, I stole a bottle of vodka from my dad. I’ve never opened it. I think tonight’s the night.”
Luke was unsure again. “Are you sure? What about your parents?”
“Don’t worry. They’re out of town on some sort of business meeting. It’ll be just us – no interruptions, no one to overhear us.” Phillip winked.
Luke took a deep breath. He needed to do something. He didn’t want to spend the night at home with his mom hovering around him. “Okay. Let’s do it!” He put his arm around Phillip’s neck and playfully punched him in the arm.
Somebody To Love
Luke lay in bed thinking, already awake for two hours. He hadn’t seen Jared in almost a week. He couldn’t help worrying about him. “I am such a jerk! This isn’t Jared’s fault. This is my problem.”
He sat up, staring through his window, thinking about what he had decided to do.
There was a light knock on his door.
Luke grabbed his blankets to cover himself. “Who is it?”
A small voice called through the door. “Luke. Can I come in?”
“Sure. Come in, Susie.” He was relieved it wasn’t his mother. They’d been fighting constantly the last few weeks.
Susie entered, looking down the hall before she closed the door behind her. She hurried over to Luke, handing him a small box.
“What’s this?”
“It’s from Jared. He asked me to give this to you,” she whispered.
“When did you see, Jared?”
“Just now.” She looked down at Luke. “He looked really sad.”
Luke opened the box, shuffling through its contents. It was everything he’d ever given Jared over the years. “Did he say anything else?”
“No, just to give that to you.”
“Thanks.” Luke lay back down, staring at the ceiling as Susie left the room. “Maybe I’m too late. Why would Jared ever want to talk to me again, let alone give me another chance?”
He jumped out of bed and threw on some clothes. “No!” Grabbing the box, he ran out the house. He rehearsed his speech to make it convincing. It would be a heated discussion, but he was determined. He was not going down without a fight.
He knocked on the front door of the Montgomery house, bolting inside when he heard Candace tell him to come in.
Standing in the entryway, he called up to her. “Hi, Candace. Jared around?”
“Hi, you! I was wondering where you were. We haven’t seen you in a while.” She leaned over the railing, giving him a smile. “He should be in his room. I heard him come in a little while ago.”
“Thanks!” He ran down the stairs to Jared’s door. He was about to knock, but thought better of it. That would give Jared the chance to refuse to talk to him. The conversation was going to happen. He had to act while he still had the nerve.
Luke burst into the room. He let the door slam behind him.
Jared jumped up, grabbing his chest. “Holy shit! You scared the hell out of me!”
Before Jared could protest, Luke marched up to him. “You’re going to sit there and listen to me.”
Jared got up off the bed. “Get the hell...”
“No.” Luke pushed him back down. “I know I was an asshole and I’m sorry. You have every right to be mad, but I am not taking these back.” He threw the box down on Jared’s bed.
Jared picked it up, trying to hand it back to him. “Luke, I’m not...”
“And another thing,” Luke interrupted him. “I’ve been thinking a lot this last week. I’ve figured very little out, but I know one thing. I love you, Jared Montgomery, and that’s all that seems to matter to me right now.”
Luke sat on the edge of Jared’s bed. He leaned forward, putting his head in his hands. “I’ve put you through a lot. I know that. It’s really unfair. None of it was your fault. I’ve decided that, if you’ll take me back, I want to try. I want this... us... to work!” He looked to Jared. “What do you say? Can you forgive me?”
Jared stared up at him. “I don’t know. Are you sure? I mean, are you really sure about what it is you want?”
Luke stood in front of him. “I’m sure about wanting to try. How and if it’s going to work, I’m not so sure. It’s worth a try, isn’t it?”
Jared got off the bed, pushing past Luke. He sat at his desk.
Luke’s heart raced waiting for him to say something. Jared didn’t move. “I’ll give you some time to think about it. It’s a lot to take in.” He went to leave, but stopped at the door when he heard Jared chuckle.
Jared turned to him. “Why are you doing this? Can’t you leave well enough alone?”
Luke looked down at the floor. “I’m sorry.” His heart sank.
Jared pulled him back in the room, slamming the door shut. “I did some thinking this last week, too.” He motioned for Luke to sit on the bed. “I decided that I was asking too much.”
“Jared, no...” Luke reached for him, but Jared walked away.
“Yes! You made it clear you didn’t think you were gay and that you didn’t see it working out. How can I do this to you? Or to me, for that matter? If you tried to smooth it all over I was going to say no, no matter how much it hurt.” Jared wiped the tears away with his arm. “I’ve never made it a secret that I’m in love with you, that being with you is what I want. It’s all I think about. I’m gay. I can say it, but you have doubts so I think you need to stay away from me. You have to do what you have to do. I’ve got to figure out what it is I have to do.”
Tears rolled down Luke’s cheek. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying you can stop. I know you care for me in some way, but this needs to stop. I don’t need your pity. It’s not doing either of us any good. So, please, just go!” Jared walked over to the window, staring out toward the hills.
Luke turned to leave. Taking one last look at Jared, he watched as Jared buried his face into his hands. “No!”
“Go!” Jared yelled.
Luke ran to him. He grabbed his shoulder and turned him so they were facing. “No! I won’t.” Unsure of what else to say, he pulled Jared into a kiss.
Jared tried to pull away, but couldn’t break the hold. He cried, putting his forehead against Luke’s lips. “Please don’t do this, not if you don’t really mean it.”
Luke grabbed his hand, led him to the bed. Sitting beside him, he laid his head on Jared’s shoulder. “I know it’s hard to trust me after everything I’ve done. I don’t blame you.” Lifting his head, he held Jared’s face in his hands, staring into his eyes. “I’m begging you to believe me right now. I do love you. I do want this to work. Can you give me just one more chance? Please?”
Jared took a deep breath, bowing his head. “I don’t know.”
Luke stroked Jared’s cheek before walking to the door. “Just promise me you’ll think about it. Okay?” Jared stared off as tears rolled down his face.
Walking up the stairs to leave, Luke felt numb. He was saddened by what had just happened, but it was beyond that. It was as if he had nothing left in the world. Nothing mattered. He took one more look down the stairs, sure this was the last chance he’d have, then left.
Luke needed to clear his head. He didn’t know what else to do. It was time to walk... and think. He hadn’t thought much about what the future might hold. It surprised him that in all his dreams he and Jared were together. “God I’m stupid!” He knew he was in love with Jared, but he had blown it. He was in love and now it was over. The longer he walked, imagining what life would be like without Jared, the sicker he felt.
He walked a bit faster towards home. He was cold, miserable, wanting only to be alone in his room. What he would do after that, he had no idea.
He was too tired to deal with walking past the fort or the train car. He changed his route home.
He realized he was more tired than he thought. He massaged his chest. It felt tight. “Come on, Luke. Don’t let it get to you. Not again.” He took a deep breath, hoping it would go away like before. “Coach said it was because you’re out of shape and holding on to stress. Stress? Really?” He chuckled.
Wanting to get home as quickly as possible, he turned down the gravel road that ran by the old fort. “Just don’t look at it. You’ll be fine.”
A noise approached from behind. He glanced back to see a figure running toward him. Not giving it any thought, he continued, stopping only when he heard his name. It was Jared. He looked as if he’d run a marathon; his hair was wet from sweat and he was breathing heavily.
“What are you doing?” Luke called to him.
Jared caught up to him, throwing his arms around him and collapsing into his arms.
Luke didn’t know what to say. He reached around and held him. The embrace felt more amazing than any before. He wanted it to last for as long as possible.
Jared pulled back, keeping a hold of Luke’s arm to keep steady. “No wonder I’m not in any sports. This sucks.” He looked up at Luke, panting. “You really like this running shit?”
Luke chuckled, caressing his arm. “Jed, what are you doing?”
“Trying to catch you, you jerk. I almost had you twice, but you’d speed up again.” He let go of Luke, standing in front of him. “Didn’t you hear me calling you?”
“No. I’m sorry. I guess I was thinking.” Luke caught Jared, who almost lost his balance. He helped Jared sit on the curb, smiling as he caught a glimpse of their fort standing behind them.
Luke sat close to him. His mind raced, wanting to say the right thing to make everything better. “Jed, I’m so sorry for everything.”
Jared put his finger to Luke’s mouth. “Luke, I just have one question for you.”
Luke waited for him to continue, trying to read Jared’s face. “Well? What is it?”
“Will you go to the prom with me?” Jared laughed as a smile stretched from ear to ear.
Luke jumped up, grabbing Jared’s hands, pulling him into an embrace. “Really? You’re giving me another chance?”
“I’m probably going to regret it, but... I had to. I can’t help it! There’s obviously something mentally wrong with me. For some reason, I believe you. We’ve got to try. I’ve got nothing else. I don’t want anything else.” Jared smiled then kissed him.
Luke looked Jared in the eye. “I promise you, I’ll make you happy. I will. It might take me some time to get it all right, but I’ll work on it! I swear.”
“I know you will.” Jared winked at him. “Walk me to the fence?”
