The View From A Rusty Train Car, page 27
“Jared, please stop this.” Candace sat at the table. She put her head in her hands.
“I can’t, Mom.” Jared put a hand on her shoulder. “It’s about time we had a real discussion. I’m tired of pretending.”
Mike slammed his hands against the table. “If you have something to say then say it!”
“I’m saying that yes, I’ve made mistakes... lots of them... and I take full responsibility. I think it’s about time you did too.”
Mike turned away, staring out the kitchen window.
“Yes, I stayed away. I’m sure to anyone who would listen to you, it was all my fault. I was a selfish bastard.” Jared stood behind him. “Did you happen to tell Megan and Luke what you told me at their wedding? That you didn’t care if you ever saw me again?”
Megan looked at Mike. “Dad?”
“I was angry!” Mike dropped his head, leaning over the sink. “I had every reason to be!”
Standing beside Mike, Jared stared at his face, leaning into him. “The truth is you weren’t just mad that I crashed the wedding. You were still mad about finding out I was gay, weren’t you? You made that clear when you came to see me that last day in treatment... the day you stormed out of the office when I told you I wasn’t going to change.”
“Treatment? What are you talking about?” Megan sat next to her mother, putting her arm around her. Candace sobbed, unable to look at anyone.
“That wasn’t talked about either, was it?” Jared crossed his arms, glanced at Megan. “Your father made sure that I was put into treatment. He got a court order. Now, I’m not saying I didn’t need it or that it was a bad thing. It wasn’t, but he wanted me there for a different reason. He thought they’d ‘fix’ me.”
“You know very well why you were in there! It was recommended by the doctor! You know that!” Mike’s face turned red, his hands grasped the edge of the counter.
“You mean this?” Jared raised his sleeve, pushing his wrist in Mike’s face.
Megan rushed to him, holding his arm. She looked into his eyes, tears streaming. “Jared? What is it? You didn’t?”
“I bet he never told you about that either.” Jared pulled his sleeve back down. “Did you ever wonder what was going through my head when I did that? Whose voice I heard? It was yours, calling me ‘sick’ and a ‘pervert’, not caring if you ever saw me again. That played over and over in my head.”
“Stop!” Mike yelled, turning away, his face in his hands. “I’ve heard enough!”
Teeth gritted, Jared stood over his shoulder. “You must’ve been so disappointed to hear that I’d made it out of Iraq alive.”
Mike grabbed Jared by the collar, threw him against the wall. “Yes, I couldn’t stand knowing what you were, but it’s not what you think. I was scared. I watch the news. I saw what happened to gay people... what happened to that Matthew Shepard. I was terrified thinking someone could do that to you. I was desperate. No father wants to think that could happen to their child.” His grip tightened as a sob rose out of him. “I just hoped you knew me better than that. I never stopped loving you. Never! When I heard that you were taken prisoner... I replayed those same words in my head and... I hated myself, knowing I had something to do with you being there.”
Candace ran to them, putting a hand on each.
Mike took Jared’s face in his hands. “I thought I’d die when I saw that video of you. I saw the terror in Luke’s eyes, how frightened your mother and Megan were and I couldn’t do anything about it. I was helpless. I’m not supposed to be helpless. I watched the video over and over.” The sobbing took over. “I tried to memorize your face, thinking it was the last time I would ever see it.” His hands slammed against the wall. He looked into Jared’s eyes and threw his arms around him. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you stay away.”
“I thought about all of you the whole time.” Jared held his father and cried. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Son.” Mike patted Jared’s back then left the room. Megan followed.
Candace held onto Jared as he slid down the wall to the floor. She lifted his head, wiping the tears from his eyes. “You’re not my little boy anymore, are you? You’ve grown up. I never thought I’d see the day that you’d stand up for yourself, especially to your dad.”
“I’m sorry I did that right now, but I’m not sorry it happened. I needed to hear him... of all people... say that to me today.” Jared grabbed her hand and leaned against her.
Candace held his head to her chest, rocking him. “I wish you could’ve seen Luke. You needed that too. So did he. He missed you, you know.”
“I should’ve been here.” With the help of the wall, he forced himself back to his feet.
“You didn’t know. None of us knew. We thought this surgery would be like the others.”
“That’s not what I mean. I should’ve been here sooner. I should’ve been here in time to see him.” Jared shook his head. “I didn’t tell Megan, but I sat in the airport for hours. I didn’t know what to do. I just sat there. I was afraid to see him, afraid of what he’d say. I was afraid of what to say to all of you, so I sat there. Now I’ll never see him again; another in a long list of stupid mistakes.” Guilt chewing at him, he collapsed into a chair at the table.
“I’m so sorry.” Candace handed him a tissue. She wrapped her arms around him from behind. “This isn’t the homecoming I wanted for you.”
Jared held her hand, kissed it. “Despite everything... I’m glad I’m here.”
Non Je Ne Regrette Rien
A smiling picture of Luke sat next to the mirror on the dresser. Jared looked at himself one more time, adjusting the orange tie he’d bought earlier that day for the funeral. “Well, Luke? How do I look?” Seeing the tie at the thrift store, he knew it was right, remembering their bowties and cummerbunds from prom. The front door slammed for the tenth time that morning. “Please don’t let them ask so many questions. I don’t feel like talking.” He took one last deep breath and headed into the living room.
Aunt Grace caught him as soon as he appeared. She threw her arms around him, crying. “I heard you were home. I couldn’t believe it until now. God, how we’ve missed you.”
Jared gave in. It was clear she had no intention of letting him go. “I missed you too.” He felt a punch in the arm. Looking up, he saw Uncle Rick walk past, smiling. “Good to see you, too, Uncle Rick.” It was more of a greeting than he’d ever given him. Each family member took their turn hugging him, thanking him for coming home. His lip trembled. No one asked questions; they just welcomed him home. I’ve never given them the credit they deserve. They’re good people.
The doorbell rang. Megan hollered for someone to answer it. Jared excused himself and went to the door. A chill surged through his body as he opened it.
“Well, well, well. Look who it is.” Sarcasm dripped from Ellen’s lips as she pushed her way in.
Everyone fell silent. They stared at her, shifting nervously in their seats.
“You must feel pretty proud of yourself. You finally succeeded.” Ellen filled a glass of punch. “I told Luke that one of them would be his ruin. Either that little pervert would turn him gay and give him AIDS or that whore he married would destroy him.”
Candace jumped from the couch. “Ellen, you were invited here because he was your son. If you’re going to make trouble, you can leave right now!”
“I have every right to be here.” Ellen stood in her face. “I just wanted to see Megan and congratulate her.”
“How dare you.” Megan screamed, appearing from the kitchen.
“Give us a break. The whole town knows about you... you and Matt. There’s no need to play the mourning wife. He couldn’t die fast enough for you, could he?”
“That’s enough!” Jared grabbed her arm, pulling her away from Megan. “Get the hell out of my sister’s house! You’re not welcome here.”
“This is my son’s house, too.”
“Your son’s?” Megan walked up to her, snickering. “You mean the guy who despised you? The one who wanted nothing to do with you? You have a lot of nerve.”
Candace ran to Megan, pulling her back. “Sweetheart, no. It’s not worth it.”
“Do you have any idea what was wrong with him? Where were you when he needed help? Nowhere...because he couldn’t stand the sight of you.”
Ellen turned to Jared, pushing a finger into his chest. “I’ve blamed a lot of people for this, but you’re the one who caused all of the problems. You might not have killed him, but you sure as hell ruined him. You had him so brainwashed. He was so confused and angry at himself that he didn’t know what to do. You might as well have put a gun to his head.”
“That’s enough!” Mike boomed from the back door.
“How many people are you going to destroy before you’re satisfied? You should all be killed.” Ellen slapped Jared.
“Leave him alone.” A voice bellowed from behind her. Derek stood in the doorway. Susie watched from over his shoulder.
Ellen whipped around. “Who the hell are you?”
Pushing Ellen away, Derek walked to Jared, putting an arm around him. “The better question is who in the hell are you?”
“Luke’s mother.”
“Really?” Derek grinned. “Luke’s mother? The mother who sent him away? Tormented him? Who wasn’t even invited to his wedding? I’ve heard all about you. Mother is the last thing I would call you. Ignorant, intolerant bitch would top the list.”
Ellen lunged at him, striking at whoever was in the way.
Susie ran in, restraining her. “That’s enough! Get in the car!” She tossed her mother toward the door.
“You can’t speak to me...”
“Mom, shut up. You and I have a few things to discuss.” Susie turned to Mike. “If you wouldn’t mind escorting her to the car, I’ll be there in a second.”
Mike and Derek stepped forward. Ellen shot them a warning look. “Don’t touch me.” She spun around then walked out the door. Mike and Derek followed her into the driveway.
Susie turned to Jared, pointing, eyebrow raised. “And you? We’ll talk later. I’ll find you after the funeral. I had to learn everything from that guy. Nice guy, by the way. You know how to pick them.” She hugged Megan. “Don’t worry. I’ll come back alone. After I’m through with her, she won’t be in any shape to want to be out in public. I’ll see you later.”
“Stay here. You’re more than welcome.” Megan reached out to her.
“I may need to take you up on that offer tonight.” Susie winked as she left.
Pulling Jared close, Megan pointed out the door. “Derek? I thought you broke up.”
Jared shrugged, watching the commotion in the driveway. “Wait a minute. She said Matt? I mean, THE Matt?”
“Don’t say it.” Megan rolled her eyes. “And take that smirk off your face.” She hit him in the arm as she left.
Jared watched as Derek and his father pointed in the distance. Why is he here? I can’t deal with this today. He went out to the patio, sat at the table, his head in his hands. The door creaked behind him.
“I called him.” Candace leaned against the doorway.
“What? How...? I don’t understand!”
“We talked a lot when you were in the hospital.” Candace sat across from him. “He called a couple times a day.”
“He told me.”
“Even when you were better and refused to talk to us, he called. It got to where I could hardly wait for his calls.” Candace crossed her hands, her face blushing. “When I talked to Megan, she told me how devastated you were. She was worried about you, so I called him. He’d given me his cell phone number.” She looked to Jared, a guilty expression on her face.
Jared didn’t know what to say.
“I know I should’ve talked to you first, but I asked him to come. When I told him that Luke had passed away, he told me he was on his way.”
Jared looked at her. “Did he tell you anything else?” He glanced over her shoulder, keeping watch for Derek. “That we aren’t together anymore?”
“Well, we did talk a bit about that and...”
“Wait. Stop. Just stop.” Jared got up from the table. “I don’t need this today. I have enough to think about.”
“He loves you, Jared. He was horrified when I told him what had happened. He knew how upset you’d be. He started to cry, saying that he should’ve been here for you.”
Jared stood, started to leave through the back.
“Don’t do this.” Candace reached out, grabbing his arm. “Don’t run away again.” She wrapped her arms around him. “You were lucky enough to have someone love you as much as Luke, but he’s gone. It was never meant to be.”
Tears poured from Jared. “Who told you?” He turned to her, his heart pounding in his chest.
“No one.” Candace smiled. “They didn’t have to. I could see it in his eyes. Every time we’d talk about you, a smile spread across his face. Then realization would set in and he’d look like the world had been taken away from him.” She held his face, looking into Jared’s eyes. “Derek just wants a chance... a real chance. He loves you so much, Jared. You have to stop pushing people away. You’re clinging to a dream. It was never going to happen, Honey.”
Jared opened his mouth to speak, but only a cry came out. He ran, taking the path behind the garage that led into the woods.
He stopped. Side aching, he tried to catch his breath. He had no idea how long he’d been running, but his leg was letting him know it was enough. He fell to the ground and reached for the pack of cigarettes he’d put in his pocket. Treatment had taught him to keep them around for times when he felt stressed and wanted a drink. This definitely called for one. He took a long drag on the cigarette, inhaling deeply. He felt his body relax as he exhaled, feeling like he’d just escaped the firing squad.
A bench surrounded by a small garden, sat just off the path. The earth in front of it was well worn from where feet had rested. Luke. He sat down, leaning forward against his knees. It was the perfect view of everything that had meant something to the both of them; the baseball diamond, the swings, the weird flying saucer-shaped jungle gym, the trees where the fort had been, and the rusty train car. Jared put a clenched fist against his mouth, blocking the sob that wanted to come out. Luke, I need your help. I don’t know how to get through this. Tell me what to do. He heard the sound of twigs snap behind him.
“Jared!”
Throwing his cigarette to the ground, he wiped his eyes then turned. “Hi.”
“Everyone’s worried about you.” Derek slipped on the path, but caught himself on a branch. “I know you don’t want me here, but I had to come. I couldn’t let you go through this alone.” He stumbled to the bench. “It kills me that you’re hurting. I had no idea this would happen. I didn’t know he was that sick.”
“Join the club.” Jared stood and took a few steps down the path. “Well, nothing says closure like a funeral, huh?”
“I am so sorry. I can only imagine what you must feel.”
Jared turned to him, his hands locked behind his head. “Why on earth do you even care?”
“Why do I care?” Derek looked him in the eyes. “I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but... I love you.”
“Why is that, Derek? All I’ve ever done is push you away and hurt you. I’d make promises to you then run back to him. I’ve treated you like shit!”
“You were in love with someone else. I get that.” Derek smiled. “You’re right; I’m a glutton for punishment. I have no idea why I kept taking you back.”
Jared bristled, hearing the word ‘kept’. He looked down at the ground and kicked the leaves.
“I wish I could’ve met him.” Derek sat on the bench, looking into the distance. “He sure was hard to compete with.”
“What?” Jared turned, his eyebrows furrowed.
“All the time we were together, whether you knew it or not, you compared me to Luke. Well, not Luke so much as the guy he became in your mind.”
“What in the hell does that mean?”
“I did some thinking on my way here. Actually, I did a lot of thinking, then I somehow met Susie at the airport. She was looking for a ride. We talked all the way. She cleared up some questions I had. I think I finally understand.” Derek’s hands in his pockets, he examined the path under his feet. “You compared me to someone who didn’t even exist. The Luke you had in your head wasn’t the real Luke. You hadn’t talked to him in years. You had no idea what he was doing or who he’d become. You invented him. You made him into the person you wanted him to be. How could I compete with that? Luke himself wouldn’t have been able to compete with that.”
“I loved him, whoever he was.” Jared laughed. “God! How stupid could I be?”
“No, no. Not stupid.” Derek put his hands on Jared’s shoulders. “Admirable.”
“I’m an idiot who’s managed to screw up everything that could’ve been good in his life! You have a twisted idea of admirable. It’s pathetic.”
“Isn’t that what we all wish for? For someone to love us that much?” Derek lifted his chin to look into his eyes. “You couldn’t help it any more than I could. Why do you think I tried so damn hard with you? Being rejected by someone time and again is not my idea of fun. As corny as this is going to sound, the heart wants what it wants. It’s corny, but true. I love you. There’s no rational explanation why. Does there have to be?”
Jared held himself, trembling.
“I know. You want to be alone. I give up. I had to make sure you were all right. I’m still moving my stuff out of the apartment. I’ll be out by the time you get back.” Derek started to leave, but turned back. “He’s gone. I am truly sorry about that, but, it’s over. It’s been over for a long time. You need to move on, let go of everything. You can’t spend your life trying to relive the past. Someday you need to let someone in again, to let them love you. You need to find someone you can love in return.” He shook his head. “It’s time, Jed.”
