Summer, page 3
part #3 of Seasons Series
The weeks and months after Reed.
I grabbed my stuff, said a few words to my driver, and made my way to Emma’s door. I took a deep breath—knowing full well there was absolutely no returning from this—and started knocking on her door and didn’t stop until she opened it. When she saw me, she flung herself into my arms.
“You’re here,” she whispered the words into my shoulder.
“You said you needed me.” My words were simple when the situation was anything but.
“I didn’t think you’d come.”
“You said you needed me, and I said ‘okay.’ I told you I’d be here as soon as I could. I’ve been calling and texting you all day to let you know what’s been going on.” I didn’t hear one word from her in return, but I wasn’t too concerned about it. I remember my own aftermath all too well.
I didn’t want to talk.
I didn’t want to breathe.
“My phone died right after I got home. It’s been on the charger ever since. I haven’t looked at it. I’m sorry. I know you said you’d come. It’s just—you said you’d never come back.”
“You needed me. You asked me to. And it was time, Sky.”
It was time. And knowing it, acknowledging it, it was somewhat…freeing. Almost as much as it was nauseating. Sky let go of me and searched my eyes, trying to see if I spoke the truth. I let her see everything I was feeling.
“Emma…” I probably let her see too much.
“Don’t. Don’t worry about me. Let’s worry about you. You didn’t sound good last night. And you don’t look so good right now.” Sky was wearing a man’s faded, hole-riddled tee—most likely Jax’s—and sweats that have seen far better days. Her blue eyes were swollen and smudged, her blond hair was a rat’s nest, and she a nose that rivaled Rudolph’s. She really was a splotchy and snotty mess. And right now, she was my mess. A mess that needed fixing.
“Okay. Now tell me what Jackson did.”
Over the next several minutes, Sky told me everything that had gone on between her and Jax the night before. And Christ, it was bad. Really, really bad…for me. Because even though I wanted to slap Jax in the mouth for some of the things that came out of it, I was mostly on his side for this one. I listened to Sky, I really did, but I also read the article in the magazine that came out this morning. I read Jax’s words. I felt his words. I also felt and heard everything Sky said about him and their relationship the last few months. Maybe if she read the article—and maybe if she checked her goddamn phone—things would be a bit different. Because I knew Jax Raines. I knew above all else he loved my friend. No way he wouldn’t call. No way he wouldn’t have already tried to make this right. To fix everything himself.
I got up to pace around, trying to figure out how to not hurt my friend by saying what needed to be said, how to give her that little push in the right direction, to make her see.
“What? What’re you thinking, Em?” I turned to look at Sky. Her eyes were imploring me to say what was on the tip of my tongue, no matter what it was.
“You should check your phone to see if he’s called or texted.” I figured I’d start at the tip of the iceberg. Something small before I got into the deep.
“He was really mad last night, Em. I don’t think he’s done either of those things.”
“He also followed you home to make sure that you were okay after all of that.”
Because that’s exactly the type of man Jax is. He’s nothing at all like Reed.
“But he didn’t say anything.”
“I know. But he came right after you. He wanted to make sure you were okay. What he said was awful and crude, and he most definitely needs to apologize for it—maybe even grand gesture apologize—but the man loves you, Sky, and I’m sure he’s worried sick. I’m sure he’s already sent a million texts and called a million times trying to apologize. I know the type of man he is—he’s sorry, he knows he messed up, and he probably knew it seconds after you left which is why he followed you—” I stopped speaking mid-sentence because of another ending that slammed into me. I already revisited it once today. I didn’t need to again. But I did anyway.
I left. And Reed never followed. Worse, he shook me off and stepped over me. He sauntered away after scorching my life.
I cleared my throat and my mind and tried again. “Go get your phone, Sky. Just check. What he said to you wasn’t right. Throwing you out wasn’t right. But he loves you. And the Jax I knew all those years ago, and the one you described to me from now—it was a moment, Sky. One I am sure he regrets. I know you’re confused. Hurt. And you have a million things running through your mind. I’m not saying you have to talk to him now, or forgive him, or forget, but you also have to know either way.”
There were a few tense moments but then I breathed a sigh of relief when Sky got up to get her phone. I thought she’d fight me a bit more. The fact that she didn’t bodes well for what I have to say next, and for Jax.
While Sky was in her bedroom, I started looking around her place, my eyes landing on a few picture frames. I went to the bookshelf for a closer look…and froze.
It shouldn’t have hurt this much. Seeing him.
Less than an hour ago I was looking at numerous pictures of him. Reading his words. Analyzing everything. But this was different. This was him hanging out with his friends on Jax’s birthday, all dressed up in costume, having a good time, living his life, and enjoying every moment. I grabbed the picture frame and really studied him and his stupid costume. He probably decided to be Maverick in his pilot suit so he could—
I heard a floorboard creak and turned to look at Sky. She was looking at the frame in my hands. I was lost again between the past and present. I looked down again and spoke. “He looks so different.”
She didn’t question my statement, nor did she pull any punches. “So, you’re Reed’s Emma?”
I sucked in a sharp breath at her question, her words. Whatever strength remained inside of me after the harrowing twelve hours I just endured seeped out. As did my words.
“I’m not Reed’s anything. He made that perfectly clear a decade ago.”
“But—”
“No ‘but’s,’ Sky. Just no. Leave it alone. Please.” I put the picture back on the shelf and turned away to go look out the window. How did she find out? I told her the majority of what went on with me and Reed, but I never mentioned Reed by name. With my words about him not looking the same, I knew I’d have to get into it, explain from the very beginning, but I guess I didn’t have to after all. She knew. Or at least she thought she knew.
But she truly didn’t know.
Nobody did.
“I have to say this, Em. Please. Then I won’t talk about him anymore. I promise.”
I wanted to believe her, but I knew all about promises getting broken. However, I still turned to face her anyway. She was my best friend. And maybe deep-down I knew I needed to hear what she was about to say.
“When I found out you were his Emma, it’s because I walked in on him drawing your picture. He was sketching you as he remembers you. You were younger, and so full of love, and with this heart-shaped birthmark…”
I sucked in another sharp breath and turned away from Sky again.
My goddamn birthmark. The heart-shaped one near the top of my spine that he used to kiss. It would always cause me to shiver…and smile. It was sexy and sweet of him. Something so small but also significant.
It was one of the first things of “ours” I got rid of when I got up enough strength to even leave the house.
“The first time I mentioned your name he immediately asked me if you had a heart-shaped birthmark. I told him you didn’t have a heart-shaped anything. Apparently, that was his thing. Every time he heard the name Emma, he always asked. Everyone. He’s been looking for you for years, Em. He’s been hurting for years. I’ve heard a lot about what happened from Jax, but also from Reed. The things he did, said. What he did after. Things you don’t even know about. And all of it breaks my heart for both of you. You should’ve seen the tears in his eyes when he talked about letting you get away, what his family did, what he did, and the words and the way he looked after I told him you tattooed over your heart-shaped birthmark. God, Em, I know you said you never wanted to come back here, and I know it’s because of him and what happened between both of you—but you’re here now. Maybe you should go to Inked and see him. Talk to him. Hear him out. He still loves you, Em. He loves you.”
He didn’t love me. You don’t do something like what he did to someone you love.
What he did—I thought about it all again. Until I couldn’t anymore. I just…couldn’t.
I turned to Sky, and it wasn’t until then as the tears fell onto my shirt as I moved, that I realized I was crying. And not just a tear or two. My cheeks were drenched. But of course, I didn’t pay attention to my tears. Of course I didn’t realize. Because it’s all too common for me to cry rivers when I get lost in thoughts of him, us, what happened, what might have been, what will never be.
“I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m so sorry, Em,” Sky said when she saw my tears. And I could tell that she was. Her eyes that were finally dry started to well up again. I didn’t want that.
“It’s fine.” I wiped my tears away, swiping furiously, and said something that I think shocked us both. “Maybe. Maybe before I leave, I’ll go to Inked. Like I said, it’s time. I need all ties severed cleanly. It’s been ten years—and I have all these frays and pulls, all these jagged edges and tears—and obviously he does too—which he deserves—but still. Maybe. Maybe, Sky. We’ll see.” I took a deep breath, forced a smile, and changed the subject.
“So, what did Jax say?” Because I knew he called. Or at the very least texted.
“He said he was sorry, that he wants to talk and explain, that he loves me.”
“Okay…” So why didn’t she look happier? Was it because of me? Was it—
“I told him that I can’t right now.”
What the hell? “Sky—”
“I can’t right now, Em. Not yet.”
“It doesn’t get any easier with more time. Take it from me. For something like this? It gets worse.”
I looked over at the shelf and the pictures again after I said what I said. It was then that I remembered the magazine and Jax’s words. I went over to my bag and pulled out the magazine and held it out to her. Sky took it from my hands, looked down, and gasped. With everything going on she must’ve forgot it came out today.
“I’m going to go take a shower. And give you some time to read what Jax said about you.”
It was a blessed miracle that not one Reed thought entered my mind as I took a shower. I honestly think I was too wiped out to even conjure one more negative thought.
I was just leaving the bathroom to get my carry-on to change into some pajamas and head to bed—it didn’t matter that it was still evening time, I needed this day to end—when the pounding started.
The pounding on the door.
The pounding of my heart inside my chest.
“I know you’re in there, Sky! I can hear the television! I’m not going anywhere!”
“Oh, God.” The warmth I was feeling from the shower no longer remained. I was as cold as ice.
I was afraid.
It was something I’d have to deal with later—this knowledge that I am not who I thought I was.
Because I always thought I was steel. Steel forged by Reed.
I always imagined that if I ever saw him face-to-face again, if I ever heard him, I’d be this pillar of impassivity, like he didn’t make me doubt every single thing in my life for years, like he wasn’t the reason I trusted no man, like he wasn’t why I never bothered having another relationship, as if he wasn’t the sole cause of why I wanted to curl up into a ball and just die for months after he left me curled up in a literal ball and walked away.
“Shit, Em. What do I do?” Sky asked me as if there was an actual choice to be made.
“Don’t open it!” I hissed at her. Was she fucking nuts?
“I have to. He won’t go away.” She was definitely acting crazy. She could not open the door with me here.
“Sky! Come on! Open the door!” His voice—it hurt to hear Reed’s voice. That voice that now gave me nightmares…was also the voice that had me falling head-over-heels in love. How was that fair? I didn’t want to hear him. And I sure as hell didn’t want to see him. Not like this. Not yet.
I looked over at Sky, and I knew what she was going to do. Goddamn it, I hated that she was right. Reed wouldn’t leave. He’d leave me all those years ago, but he wouldn’t leave her now.
“Shit!” I hurried and grabbed my carry-on, then quickly and quietly walked down the hall into the guest bedroom. I closed the door and didn’t say another word…out loud. I said a lot of words in my head. Along with a lot of prayers and pleas.
I could hear Sky open the front door, and a second later, I heard him again. “Jesus, Tattoo Girl. You’re a mess.”
Tattoo Girl. Reed’s nickname for Sky. He used to have one for me—he had a lot of things for me. Top of the list? Lies.
“What the hell is all that?” I heard Reed ask her, and my heart skipped a beat. Did I leave something of mine out there? Jesus…was my cover blown?
“Is that chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and rainbow sprinkles that you put into the carton yourself like it’s a bowl?”
“Shut up, Reed. You don’t know. It was a whole hate-ate thing. Don’t pretend you never hate-ate before.”
Oh, thank Christ. Nothing of mine…except a habit both me and Sky share.
“What the hell is ‘hate-ate?’ I’ve never done that shit.”
No. No, he wouldn’t. He only made others—me—do that. Many times after a spiral because of him, I’d grab a gallon of ice cream out of the freezer, pour hot fudge, peanut, and marshmallow sauce right into the carton, add a ten-second spray of whipped cream to the top, along with some chocolate sprinkles, and binge-watch trashy television.
I haven’t done that in years, but he made me do it once-upon-a-time. And for that—for making me remember that embarrassing little tidbit—I hated him a little bit more at the moment.
“Seriously, Reed, what do you want?”
“I’ll tell you after you explain this ‘hate-ate’ thing of yours.”
I could hear Sky’s frustrated groan all the way down the hall right before she said, “Boys.”
Ain’t that the truth.
“Darling, I’ve already told you, I’m all man. I’ve offered to show you before, but Jax nearly took my head off. But since he’s out of the picture now, how about I show you just how much of a man I really am and—and there it is! That’s what I’ve been waiting for.”
“And what exactly is that Reed?”
“That look that says you’d rather stick a hot poker in your eye than do anything with me because you’re head-over-heels in love with Jax.”
I’d like to stick a hot poker in his eye.
And his dick.
And I’d also like to forget the last few seconds when I actually hated my best friend because of what Reed said to her about being all man and wanting to show her.
What the hell was that about?
I was lost in thought, trying to figure out why the hell I was feeling like a jealous hag when something Reed said caught my attention.
“Let me say this, please. One last thing, and then I’ll go. I promise.”
One last thing? What did I miss when I was zoned out? And how on earth could I zone out with him on the other side of the door?
Stupid. Foolish. What the hell is wrong with me? Actually…I know exactly what’s wrong. It’s Reed. He’s fucking with me again.
“You need to tell Jax that you love him, Sky. You don’t want to live every single day of your life loving someone and having them think you don’t. Every day of my life, I regret what I said to Emma. All the lies that I told her. To protect her, me, my sister, my friends. I thought I was doing the right thing—but I was so fucking wrong. I thought I’d be able to make it right, to explain—but I never got the chance. I told her that I didn’t love her, that I didn’t want the future that we mapped out—going to college together, living together, getting married, having children, growing old. I told her that she was nothing to me. Nothing. But I lied to her. It was all fucking lies. I thought I was doing the right thing, no matter how brutal I was, I thought I was saving her, us. I thought in the end I’d be able to fix everything because there was no way she could possibly believe anything I was saying to her, or what I was doing to her. She knew that I loved her, that I would never betray her, she had to know that it was all an act. That I could never mean those things. That I could never do what I said I did. But then she disappeared on me. And I couldn’t find her. I looked for her for over a year and I couldn’t find the only thing in my life that was pure, perfect, worth living for.
“God, Sky, I broke her. I made her and us nothing. Because I made a choice. Please don’t make the wrong choice like me…” I kept listening to him talk about loving someone, and the pain and anguish of them not loving you back. I replayed his other words about telling lies to me to cover up the truth, saying and doing things to protect me—to protect me?
I was so confused—and I couldn’t take it anymore. Again, Reed had me collapsing to the floor in tears and overwhelming heartbreak.
What he just said…was it true?
Unlike the first time Reed’s words left me sprawled out in a heap, I didn’t need help getting up. And unlike every single day since it happened the first time, I didn’t want to avoid Reed. I wanted to confront him. I wanted answers. I wanted the entire truth. No more lies. I picked myself up, opened the door, and went out into the living room to find Sky…alone.
I was too late.
But maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. Because my bravado of only a handful of seconds ago was now gone. The reality of what I just heard was hitting me square in the face. In the heart. The soul.
