Summer, page 10
part #3 of Seasons Series
The way Reed looked at me during prom—was nothing compared to the way he was looking at me now.
I’ll admit—but only to myself—that I wanted to see that look on his face. It’s why I spent the amount of money I did on the dress that I’m wearing. I knew it shouldn’t matter—I said it didn’t a million times when picking out the perfect dress—but sometimes I’m a liar.
And sometimes I do dumb things.
Unlike the time I went dress shopping for prom, this time I didn’t have to scrimp and save or cry a few tears after I handed over the money when so much of it could’ve been used for better, long-lasting, and much needed things.
Once-upon-a-time I had to work my ass off…but now I had money to burn. This time I was frivolous, and I gave zero fucks about it.
I was decked out—to the freaking nines—in a long-sleeved, black-sequined, Mac Duggal. The bodice was fitted, the neck was high, the skin I was showing was at a minimum—but the way Reed was looking at me, I might as well be bare. What wasn’t bare? My face, hair, or nails. I spared no expense there either. I went and got my hair done—my dark auburn locks were now straight and smooth in a low gemstone-ponytail that trailed down my back—and my makeup was done by a professional artist that used me as her canvas. I am a masterpiece with kohl-rimmed eyes, shimmery lids, lashes that brushed my cheeks when I blinked, and bold red lips that matched my nails—except the ring-fingers—those were encrusted with fancy fake jewels that sparkled in the light.
I said it…no expense was spared.
And speaking of no expense spared—I looked away from Reed—I wanted that look but it was becoming too much—so I looked around the penthouse again.
Connor and Riley sure knew how to throw a party and impress. There was a bar set up along one wall, and a crew of servers going around with mini-appetizers on their plates. In addition to that, a main table was packed with even more food and treats. There were small high-top tables throughout the entire space with silver and gold tablecloths, the centerpieces made up of silver, gold, black and white ornaments in tall vases, and New Year’s beads and tiaras and hats and crazy eyeglasses for the guests surrounding it. There was a dancing area in the middle of their open-concept penthouse, right in front of a wall full of windows—and directly under a netted ceiling full of balloons just waiting to be dropped at midnight.
It was extravagant, lavish, and over-the-top.
And apropos.
Because over-the-top can be used to describe one of the hosts.
Connor freaking Brennan
I knew Riley Sullivan from back in the day—she was younger than me, but still Liam’s sister, so I saw her here and there. I never would’ve thought she’d end up married to someone like Connor Brennan—the half of the couple that was over-the-top—but after a while in their presence, I got it. I understood the dynamic, the appeal. I could clearly see the love. When they answered the door and greeted me, making me feel welcome and part of their crazy and chaotic extended family, easing some of my anxiety about arriving alone and barely knowing anyone in the room since it’s been ten years that I’ve been gone, I knew right then and there they’d be good friends to have. When they started bickering back and forth and teasing and joking with each other like it was their every day—I knew they were good friends as well as partners—they liked each other just as much as they loved each other, which made me happy for them and especially happy for Riley. You could see that they were endgame and goals.
I wanted to know what their story was, all the whys and the how’s. Because that’s the thing—you never truly know who a person will end up with. Look at me and Reed. I thought he was the one, my always and forever. I thought we were goals. And look at us now.
With that thought, I looked back at Reed. He was still looking at me with eyes full of longing and lust.
I wanted that look. For some reason, I needed that look. I knew it was stupid, but here I was thoroughly enjoying it. It had me buzzing without one drop of bubbly.
I wanted that look…but I also wish I never saw it. Because it had me feeling things I had no business feeling. I was so blaming Sky for this. This was all her fault. Coming back home. Coming here. Me not acting like myself.
Dressing to impress…him? I was supposed to be hating him.
Really, Emma?
Fine…Maybe not hating him anymore. But avoiding. I should be avoiding, not wanting a look from him.
And where the hell is Sky anyway? She should be here by now. She needs to save me from myself and him. For days she’s been after me trying to find out what went on between me and Reed at The Brew. The other night she went as far as to host a slumber-party-for-two with pizza, wine, chocolate, and eighties flicks—plying me with all of my favorites—more like bribing me—for information, but I wouldn’t budge.
Over and over she asked. Over and over, she tried to sing Reed’s praises. I think she finally got the hint after I snapped at her.
“He lied to me, Sky. He broke my heart. He made me question everyone and everything. He made me question myself. My judgement. My mind. My heart. He made me question whether I was lovable. If I deserved love. I lost my faith, and for a while my freedom. I lost myself, my identity. My hopes, dreams, future. He altered the very thing I used to love about myself: how much I loved, accepted, and trusted. He did all of it…because he fucking lied.”
Just like he lied right before he left me at The Brew.
He loved me still? No. Just no. Him telling me he hated me a bit…I could get behind that. I felt the same way about him for so long, I was familiar with that emotion. But love never going away? Still present? I didn’t believe it. I didn’t believe him. Just like I couldn’t believe he walked away from me again…even if it is what I wanted.
I wanted my answers, and then I wanted him gone, didn’t I?
Didn’t I say that?
I said a lot of things. And so did he.
When Sky asked me about New Year’s Eve, I immediately planned on saying no, but I found myself saying yes. I had to give her something. The way she looked at me at that moment—it was in no way how Reed is looking at me now.
I really, really should’ve stayed home. Home as in California. If I did, I wouldn’t have to be dealing with all of the emotions that were plaguing me. Though, my emotions of the last few days have been fueling my art. I’ve created some of my best pieces.
I guess I had to hand it to Reed—he sure brought out the best and worst in me.
Reed finally made it over to me, his shoes stopping centimeters from my brand-new Jimmy Choo’s. I could smell the Tom Ford on him. I wondered if he was wearing him too. I knew Reed was no longer the heir to the Brooks fortune, but I also knew he inherited quite a bit of wealth from his grandparents. And that’s exactly what he exuded even with the tattoos and piercings and the in-your-face masculinity—an air of wealth. If anything, all the ‘extras’ enhanced his appeal in that suit made just for him.
I guess we both decided to one-eighty it from our usual jeans and vintage tees. Or at least my usual. I didn’t know things like that about him anymore.
“You know, I never thought you’d look more beautiful than you did the first time we made love, or when you got all dressed up for prom—the golden goddess that you were then—but here you are, Em. You’re an absolute vision tonight. You’re stunning.”
I know I was just thinking about prom, but I wasn’t expecting him to be thinking about it. For him to bring it up so nonchalantly. After everything that went on between us these past ten years—these past few days—after he walked out and left me alone—again. What wasn’t nonchalant though? The way he said I was a vision. Stunning. To hear those words coming from his lips—lips attached to that body, in that outfit—he was a vision. Across the room he started out as sexy, but up close he landed on sinful. I would never mention that to him though. Unlike him, who had no problem mentioning prom…or the first time we made love. Who the hell brings up something like that? Especially after the way we left things. Me grenading his life ten years after he did the same to me. After the way he left things days ago still festering and untethered.
Apparently, Reed Brooks, that’s who.
“You know what? I just lied.”
Reed Brooks. The consummate liar. Shocker.
“About what?” This time. Christ, I had to remember he was a lying liar who lied. He wasn’t just a sexy as fuck man who checked all my boxes when it came to appearances.
Was I being shallow? Yes. Sue me.
“I do know of—and have thought about—at least two more times you’d be more beautiful than you were on prom night or the night you gave yourself to me.”
Jesus, this guy. Gave yourself to me?
I couldn’t wait to see what came out of his mouth next.
With the way Reed brought up us having sex twice now, I expected something crude like, when you’re under me again, or some variation thereof. But it wasn’t that.
“The day we get married—you in your wedding dress—I know you’ll be beyond exquisite then. And you holding our child for the first time after giving birth—I know for a fact nothing will ever compare to that moment, that sight.”
After his words detonated upon me, I felt like time stood still. At the very least my heart did for a beat or two. As did my breaths. I felt suffocated and paralyzed within my own body.
Reed really said that to me. And I’m not talking about the marriage part. Even if it was delusional. That wasn’t my problem. I’m talking about the baby. Reed brought up a baby. Our baby. Like it was no big deal. After everything I told him the other day—after he said what he did and left—he just spews that out like it was a good thing, and not something that would hurt me? Talk about delusional. Fucking demented.
I didn’t think I’d go from wanting a look to lashing out with hurt and anger in less than ten seconds, but then again, what did I expect? It’s not like he was going to come over here and I was going to bat my eyelashes and flirt. I wasn’t going to fawn all over him and fake being friends. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. And I sure as hell had no clue what was going on beneath Reed’s surface. Whatever it was it was no good and I wanted no part of it.
“You’ll never see those two things, Reed. We are never getting married, and I am not having your babies.”
Reed reared back as if he was struck. He looked how I felt. The words I just said…they hurt me too. They made me physically ill. I don’t know why though. It was the truth.
Reed righted himself and took another step forward completely invading my space. There was a fire in his eyes now. A warning. “Yes, we are. And yes, you are. I know we have a lot of things to work out, a lot we still need to discuss, I know you’re still mad at me—you might even fucking hate me—might hate me even more with the way I acted the other day—but I still love you, Em. I always have. I always will. And I am not giving up. Not on us. Not on anything. I still want that future we mapped out together.”
It's never going to happen.
We were first-love fools chasing rainbows that didn’t exist.
“That future, that plan…God, what were we thinking, Reed?”
“What do you mean?”
“We were supposed to be together forever, Reed. We were supposed to go to USC together—you on that academic scholarship you didn’t tell your parents about, and I was going to go to Roski. We were going to rent a falling apart, crappy apartment even after you got your grandparents money because we wanted to live like college kids, like normal kids, for once. We were supposed to work shitty jobs, complain about classes and homework, bitch and moan about groceries and laundry and dust everywhere, and about how little we had in the budget left over for drinks and movies and whatever the hell else we wanted to do that was extra. We were supposed to graduate college, start our careers, find a house, get engaged, get married, travel, have kids, do all the family type things we both missed out on when we were growing up, and then we were going to live happily-ever-after. We were supposed to do it all and have it all. Right? That’s what was mapped out, Reed. All of that. When we were eighteen years old. Eighteen. So, once again, what the hell were we thinking?”
Because we shouldn’t have been thinking that.
And at eighteen, I shouldn’t have been thinking about my boyfriend lying about everything and cheating on me, me being pregnant and alone, or how much I wanted my life to end when I didn’t have either of them—my baby or him—anymore.
God—what the hell were we thinking?
“We were thinking that we were in love, that that’s the future we wanted, and it would happen. It was supposed to happen. Most of it still can, Em.”
“It was all a fantasy, Reed. It was a fairytale, and it was foolish. And love?”
Reed’s fiery blue eyes turned indigo. “Don’t you dare fucking deny that that’s what it was. I loved you, Em. You were everything. The best part of my life. The best part of my fucking world.”
If Reed went indigo, I went incinerate.
Something he should be familiar with.
Since that was his M.O. once-upon-a-time.
“You don’t do what you did to someone you’re supposed to love. Your fucking world. You don’t destroy that world, Reed. You don’t burn it to the fucking ground leaving everything cinder and ash. Irreparable. Barely existent. Particles and cells just floating together never connecting. Never…something. Always and forevermore absolutely fucking nothing.”
“I know that! I fucking know that. And I am so goddamn sorry for what I did, Em. I’ve apologized for it. And I will continue to apologize every single day if I have to. I’ll apologize for what I’ve done until the day they put me in the ground. You have no idea how fucking sorry I am. Especially after what you told me the other day. About what you went through—alone—because of me. I am so, so sorry, Em. I wish I could change all of it, but I can’t. I can change what happens going forward though. We had hopes and dreams and a future. We can still have that. If you’ll just forgive me. If you’ll give us another try.”
“You’re talking about a white picket fence, getting married and having kids, and things like that, Reed. What you don’t realize is my dream was always you. You were my dream. I wanted all of that—I wanted all of that and more—I wanted everything—because it was you with me. You were my dream. But then you became my nightmare. Once-upon-a-time I couldn’t wait to close my eyes and see you and what we’d become together. And after that night? It wasn’t that I wanted to not dream of you. It was that I wished I never met you. And then after the baby—even knowing it wasn’t real—everything for me changed even more. Dreams, Reed? The future? Even knowing that what you said back then wasn’t the truth—it doesn’t change the fact that my dreams are not the same anymore. My dreams are not your dreams, they aren’t our dreams. You’re talking about marriage and children and happily-ever-after as if forgiving you is all that’s needed to try again and have this mythical future we should’ve never been dreaming about at eighteen.
“And in all honesty, Reed? I don’t know if I even want to try and forgive you. And if I do want to try, if I even can. We are not the same people anymore. We don’t share the same dreams, the same future, and you’re standing there insisting that we can still have everything, when I don’t even know if I want to get married or have kids at all anymore. That’s how much you broke me. You seriously broke my life and what I thought I wanted. I don’t know what I even want anymore.”
Other than to get the hell out of here.
I needed to go.
I needed to breathe.
“You know, this was a bad idea. A very, very, very bad idea. I don’t know what I was thinking coming here. I really don’t. I need to leave. I need to get the hell out of here.”
I wanted him to look at me a certain way?
What the fuck was I thinking?
I sure got that look though. And plenty of others. What will remain? Not the look of unabashed wanting, I was sure. It’s the look he’s giving me now that’d stay with me. The one that’s conveying I ripped out his heart, doused it with gasoline and set it on fire.
I really needed to get the hell out of here. Sky wasn’t here. Jax wasn’t here. I didn’t know the adult versions of Riley, Liam, or Ryan. I didn’t belong here.
I took a few steps back from Reed and watched as he inhaled a deep breath, as he blinked away his brokenness. When he met my eyes again, you’d never know I made an inferno of his plans for the future.
“You should stay. I know how important it is to Sky that you’re here tonight. I didn’t mean to ruin the evening for you by bringing up the past…or the future. I’ll leave you alone and hope that you somehow salvage this night.” Reed moved a few steps back from me this time. “I hope you have a happy new year, Em. I truly do. I hope it’s the best year for you yet.” And with that, he turned around and started towards the other end of the room. I watched as he walked away, tugging off his suit jacket, then yanking at his tie like it was choking him. It reminded me again of prom—when he yanked at his tie all night, when I yanked on it after prom was over, pulling him closer, kissing him deep while fisting it, him finally taking it off and tying it around my wrists before he put them above my head and told me not to move while he slid down my body and—and I would not go there.
We just hurt each other deeply. Again. And I was thinking about sex? What the hell was wrong with me tonight?
I knew I should’ve looked away, but instead, I watched as he tossed his suit jacket on the table he was at before, as he shoved up his sleeves in frustration and picked up his drink, as he headed towards the bar. He made a beeline towards the man I saw with Reed’s sister, Livvie, a few days ago. I couldn’t see Reed’s face, but I could see the other guys. He didn’t look happy with what Reed was saying.
Join the club buddy.
I knew I was staring, and I shouldn’t be—which was confirmed a moment later when Reed looked over his shoulder and caught me staring right at him. Shit. I quickly looked towards the balcony and decided that some fresh air—even crisp, bitterly cold air—would be fantastic right about now. I’d rather have winter’s wrath making my cheeks turn red instead of thoughts of Reed, getting caught by Reed—anything pertaining to Reed.
