Devil’s in the Details, page 54
Victoria stepped a few more steps away, "I'm a killer, Alex. And I've lied to you to keep you away from that part of me. A part of me that I want to walk away from and never look back, but I can't. Not yet." Her tone became more and more distant with every step she took away from, as if she was trying to cut whatever cords that kept us together. Scaring the hell out of me that I was about to lose her even though what I was hearing was devastating and sickening.
I still had my eyes glued on the laptop, showing me images and snippets of case files that were confirming everything Victoria said, I felt the slow roll of sickness build. "Victoria, I." I almost said it was okay, but it would have been an automatic response to the pain Victoria clearly was in. I could find a way to forgive her, look past this. She was doing her part for the country, working for the government. She was no different than a soldier on the front line. This all could be justified and worked through, she was doing what she was asked to do by a higher power for a greater cause.
"You need to hear it all, Alex." Victoria's voice was trembling, "I never expected to fall in love with you. I thought I had lost that part of my humanity, the ability to feel, around the fifth day of my torture."
Victoria's persistence was there, in her voice, in the pointed movements she made to bring up file after file of her work. The way her body shook with every breath, it appeared she was on the verge of a complete breakdown. I turned to focus on the horrid images instead of the blonde in front of me struggling with every breath. What I saw on the laptop, broke my heart. The crime scene photos all showed a person who was very meticulous in the task at hand, but frenzied as one who was starting to lose themselves and struggling to find the way out. I had seen it a million times while assisting the Medical Examiner at Bellevue. Victoria was clearly broken and as I turned to finally look at her, I could see her two worlds were coming apart at the seams. All because of me and my demands for the truth. The truth to hear her version of a reality that was better left buried in that laptop.
Victoria looked at me, tears rippling in her eyes, "I have to tell you the truth about the first time we met."
I shook my head, "You found me in the metro station and took me to the hospital." I smiled softly at her, "You saved my life." I went to move forward, hoping this would be the end of the conversation and I could hold her and tell her that I could and would forgive her. She was just doing her job.
Victoria held up her hand, frowning, "Please." She dropped her hand as a tear slid down her cheek, "I was sitting on the bench when you walked down into that station. I was wearing a hat, sunglasses and reading a magazine." She folded her arms tightly across her stomach, shrinking into a tight ball as she kept her head down, the dark clouds covering her eyes and forcing more tears to fall from the woman. It felt like she was in a confessional and I was the priest about to hear a multitude of sins I wouldn't be able to stomach.
I felt my heart drop when that night flooded back, the memories all piling up quickly in small pieces. I could see everything, smell everything and hear everything. In particular I could clearly see the person wearing the USN hat bent over a Popular Science. I closed my eyes, focusing on bringing that memory in clearer. I could now see the curves of Victoria's jaw, her long neck, the same neck I loved to kiss late at night while she was sleeping. "No." My gut twisted hard, sending sharp pains up to my heart.
"I wanted to so desperately not to get involved, to let fate cast its wind wherever it may." Victoria looked up at the ceiling, "You looked at me and smiled. I turned back to my magazine and urged the train to get there quicker so I could go home. I had just finished a terrible job and wanted to forget. Then those junkies thought it was a good idea to bother you." Victoria dropped her head back down, tears running down her face, "I wasn't going to get involved, until they hit you. Then I got involved."
I spoke up, my voice cracking, "You didn't. You killed those men?" I felt my heart tighten to the point I couldn't breathe, this was not what I expected and it knocked all of the wind out of me.
Victoria nodded slowly, "I did. All of them. I killed them without a hesitation or a second thought of what I was doing. I rarely ever do when I’m in that mode." Her face contorted, "I never thought I would ever see you again, Alex. I dropped you off at the hospital and disappeared, but I couldn't stop thinking about you. The way you trusted me when you opened your eyes in the car as I buckled you in."
She moved closer to me, reaching for my arm, "Alex, please look at me."
I stepped back, shaking my head as my anger came out of nowhere, "No, Victoria, don't." I didn't know what to think. I was better when she was telling me she worked for the government agency, but telling me she outwardly killed four junkies, innocent or not, I didn't know how to digest it. "You killed those men." I tried to look at her but couldn't, I would just see those crime scene photographs and immediately picture her as a monster.
She nodded, "I did, I killed them because they were going to kill you if I didn't do something."
"You could have just roughed them up, left them or left me." I closed my eyes, "The detectives, they showed me the pictures." I could see the immense amount of violence of those pictures. They betrayed the gentle, soft ways of the woman I loved, the brutality of those images weren't Victoria. They couldn't be her. She wasn't like that. She was the woman I loved implicitly.
"Alex, please." Victoria's voice was painfully soft, shaking like it had earlier. Victoria was struggling to hold it together, and it shattered more of my heart that I was angry at her and causing all of this.
I glared at her when my anger spiked suddenly, "And were you going to kill me? Is that why you sought me out?" I was spewing out the words faster than I could think twice about what I was saying. I just didn't know what to say or think. The woman I loved completely was telling me she was a killer and had murdered for me was sparking a strange rage inside of me.
"No, that never was a thought in my head. Ever." Victoria moved closer, "I love you, Alex, I could never hurt you. I fell in love with you that night and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stay away from you." She let out a shaky breath, "I tried to stay away, keeping you only as a friend, but I couldn't. You were putting my humanity and my heart back together and I. Oh god Alex, I never meant to hurt you. I never want to hurt you."
I let out a half sob, "So you chase after me, lie about who you are and hide the fact you did what you did, never once thinking that it might bother me, hurt me to know this side of you?" I pointed at the laptop, shouting back at her, "You could have given this up at any time, you could have told me the truth when we were friends or let me go at any point! Instead you let me fall hopelessly in love with you and then force me to beg for the truth. Why didn't you let me go that night you came to the hospital? That night when you sent the tulips and had me come here? You could have walked away and saved us both from the piles of lies you've told over the last year."
I felt the tears rolling down my face and wiped them away, shaking my head at no one. "I can't believe this." I was a whirlwind of emotions, and could only find anger as the most solid one to stand on. I was struggling to keep it together and not fall apart into a pile of sobbing screams. This wasn't happening, this couldn't be why Victoria was so shut down. This wasn't why Victoria was so secretive and hid from me for the last year.
Victoria blew out an agitated laugh, "Believe this? What I can't believe is that you telling me over and over that you will love me no matter what. All those times you looked at my bruises, my cuts, my broken ribs. All the times you saw through the flimsy lies I told and refused to look harder at the bold moments of truth I slipped out." She moved to the laptop, "I wanted to walk away. Save you from the miserable piece of shit I am, but I couldn't. I fought so hard not to fall deeper in love with you. Fought even harder to keep you out of my double life, but I failed."
"Don't you dare put this on me, Victoria." I scowled at her, "Don't play the you let me fall in love with you card. It's pure bullshit and you know it."
Victoria suddenly picked up the laptop and threw it across the room, smashing it in half as she shouted, "We're both to blame here. Maybe me more than you, but we're both to blame for fumbling around the truth when I should have just told you the day you crept into my office." She waved a hand in the air, "I can't change who I was, Alex, or who I am now, but for fuck's sake! I'm working on getting out of this mess and getting you out with me."
"Out with you? What the hell does that mean?" I glared at her.
"It means, no one in Voltaire ever gets to retire with a nice party and a supermarket bought cake." Victoria looked at me with red, tear riddled eyes, "I might have not wanted this from the start, but now that I have it and you, I will sacrifice everything I have to keep it and you safe."
Victoria blew out a hard breath and walked to the desk where she scooped up the files and shoved them in my chest, "Read these and you'll understand what I mean. They will show you the person I was. The person I no longer want to be, or can be because of you." She looked at me once more, before closing her eyes, "I will understand if you're not here in the morning, but I will always make sure you're safe." The tone of her voice broke my heart, but did little to curb the furious anger I felt towards her. I shoved the files away, letting them fall to the floor with a hard slap.
Victoria grimaced painfully and walked away from me, stopping at the front door to grab her car keys before opening the door and walking out. A few seconds later, I heard the BMW start up and squeal out of the driveway.
When she was gone, I fell to my knees, dropping the files Victoria had shoved into my chest to the floor and began uncontrollably sobbing. Sobbing to the point that I could barely breathe.
After a handful of minutes, I heard Holly barking upstairs, making my heart hurt more. I sat up and wiped at my sore eyes, looking at the mess in front of me I caught a name that I recognized. One I had read in James email reply to my question about Voltaire months ago. I scooped up the file and shuffled to the phone I had set on the kitchen counter.
Hitting his contact, I wiped away more tears. I didn't know what to feel about Victoria right now, I still loved her, but I wasn't sure about the other feelings circling that love. I would need time to sort this out, sort out everything she had told me. I was beyond lost, my entire world as I knew it had been a carefully crafted lie.
"Hey Alex! What's up? You okay? It's kind of late." James had a smile in his voice.
I cleared my throat, "James, I think I have some information." I paused. Telling James what I had in my hands, would compromise Victoria somehow. My gut was shouting at me not to spill her secrets. That if I did, safe was a word that would no longer apply to either of us. I grimaced as a soft sob crept out of my throat, "I'm sorry for calling.”
"Alex? You don't sound okay. What happened?"
I sucked in a slow breath, "I don't think you'd believe it if I told you."
James chuckled, "I worked foot patrol for three years, I've seen a lot of things that no one could believe. So, try me."
I flattened my hand on the file, shaking my head as I took the easy route, "Victoria and I had our first big fight." I scooted to sit on the floor, crying softly as James cracked jokes about our old fights, and how he learned to just accept I was always right.
I half listened, looking up at the fridge and right at the picture taken on the night of the formal. Victoria and I standing next to each other with big genuine smiles, holding onto each other and so deeply in love.
I placed my hand over my heart, hating that it would always be hers no matter how angry I was at her, or how in this moment I wasn't sure what our future would be.
I would always love her.
I drove fast, pushing the BMW to do what I paid so much money for it to do. Get me away from my house quickly. My eyes were blurry from the endless crying. Every time I looked in the passenger seat I would see my black hooded twin looking at me, shaking her head in a I told you so way. No matter what, her and I would always be one, I would always be the monster who killed and failed at finding a life I wanted to live with the only person I ever loved.
I had no real idea where I was going until I pulled into a driveway on the other side of town and climbed out of the car.
I pounded on the front door until Dani swung it open, "Fucking stop already!" She paused, looking at my sad state, "Oh shit, I'm taking it didn't go well?"
I shook my head, shrugging when I found I couldn't speak. I knew it would take a few days for Alex to wrap her head around everything. A few more for her to even think about talking to me. Deep down, I knew she loved me, but I wasn't sure she could ever forgive the monster I was.
Dani grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into her house, "You have perfect timing, Victoria." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm.
"Fuck off." I pushed the words out in a hoarse whisper.
Dani rolled her eyes, guiding me to her study. The same one I had slept on the couch a million times over the years. "No seriously, you should have waited until morning."
I glared at her as she shoved me towards the couch before moving to the liquor cabinet and grabbing an empty glass. That's when I noticed there was a bottle of whiskey on her coffee table with two half full glasses.
I cleared my throat, "Am I interrupting?"
"The exact opposite, Victoria. Danielle and I just put the final touches on our plan." Maggie's voice made my head spin around to see her walking in from the other room. She smiled softly at me, "I take it the truth session with Alexandra didn't fare well?" Her English accent did very little to soothe me.
I scowled at the woman, "I don't want to discuss this."
Dani hustled over, handing me a glass full of bourbon, "You don't want to, but we have to talk about getting Alex to New York in the next three days."
I glared at Dani, her words sinking in, "You don't mean?”
Maggie nodded, moving closer to me and handing over a small envelope, "Your exit plan has been set in motion. We had one more week to go, but as you will read, the old lady and the Colonel have picked up on your desire to leave and have fixated on the woman you love. They’ve both set in motion very lucrative contracts on both of your heads, to prove a point to me."
I swallowed hard, ripping the envelope from the woman's hands, "How did they find out about Alex?"
"They're spies, Victoria." Maggie smiled as if that was the only answer in the world. She then moved to sit next to me, motioning to Dani's laptop on the desk, "We have the plan ready for you to review. When we set it in motion, there will be no return." She looked at me softly, "But I can promise if we go ahead with it, Alexandra will be safe, protected and no harm will ever grace her life."
I stared at the bright blue eyes, nodding slowly, "Show me what you have."
A wet, cold nose poking my hand woke me up. Holly was whining and licking me, staring at me with a head tilt and wide eyes. "Do you need to go out?"
The little dog barked a resounding yes and scampered off to the back door. I let out a sigh, blinking sleep filled eyes and rolled off the couch I had passed out on from pure emotional exhaustion. I had talked to James for a few hours, trying to find a way to tell him what really happened but without telling him everything.
So I went the route of asking my ex advice on how to deal with the first really big fight between Victoria and I. In the end, he just reassured me that no matter what it was, it was clear Victoria and I were very much in love and nothing would break that.
I shook my head, yawning, nothing but the fact that my girlfriend was a hired assassin who seemed to have a tendency to go rouge in the name of saving me. Frowning at the memory of last nights' fight and the flashbacks I had about the crime scene photos that detective shoved in my face, along with the small pieces I remembered from that night. I felt sick, sad, heartbroken and clueless at what was to come next.
"Here you go." I opened the back door, letting Holly charge out to the middle of the backyard and run free. I watched her for a few minutes, feeling a strange regret that I asked for the truth and got it from Victoria. She was gone and I hated being in this house without her. It didn't matter that I was angry, scared, and a thousand other things, I missed her. I wanted her to walk in the door and tell me it was all a silly prank or a bad dream.
When the clock on the stove told me it was almost early afternoon, I decided that I should do something with the rest of the day. Occupy my hands and my thoughts before they were overwhelmed and I broke down again on the couch, wallowing in the heavy fear of what could come next. I walked back through the den to head into the living room to find my phone, I caught a glimpse of the broken black laptop on the floor. I sighed moving towards it to pick it and the pieces up, the last thing I needed was Holly chewing on plastic.
I bent down, lifting the mangled thing full of secrets and lies, I felt the tears rise up out of nowhere. I shook my head, "And yet I still love her so much."
"And I still love you, Alex."
Victoria's voice startled me, I dropped the laptop and spun around to see her standing in the doorway to the den. She looked run down, tired, and her eyes were red and dry. She still made my heart skip a handful of beats in one look. I stood up, looking down at the mess, "I didn't want Holly to eat any of the plastic chunks." I cleared my throat, trying hard not to cry in front of her.
Victoria moved into the room, reaching down, she snatched up the laptop, "I will take care of it." She looked at me for a solid minute, "Alex, I…"
I shook my head, walking towards the living room, "Victoria, I think I'm going to go to my mom's for a few days. To think and figure things out." I knew if I stayed at the house with her, I would more than likely either forgive her for everything when deep down I knew I needed to work out the fact she had killed for me. "I can leave Holly here with you."
