Finding Monica, page 21
It was a weird position to be in. One he’d never been in before. He was actually saying no to sex. But he truly felt if a long-term relationship with Monica was going to work out, he had to earn her trust.
“You okay?” he asked softly.
Monica nodded. “I get where you’re coming from,” she told him. “I’m just not sure I can get there.”
“Do you want all that stuff I talked about?” Pid couldn’t help but ask.
“Yes.”
“That’s all I need to hear. I’m patient, Mo. I can give you time.”
“How will I know though?” she asked, sounding frustrated. “I’ve never trusted anyone before. I have no idea how I’ll even know if I trust you.”
“You’ll know,” Pid told her.
“You’re kind of a pain,” Monica retorted with a sigh.
Pid laughed. “Yeah. And, Mo?”
“What?”
“Just because I’m not ready for you to make love to me, doesn’t mean I don’t want to kiss you. And touch you.”
She gave him a small smile. “Same.”
“Glad we’re on the same page with that at least,” Pid said, leaning down.
They made out right there in the middle of the kitchen for what seemed like an eternity. When Pid finally pulled back, his cock was hard once again, and Monica was holding onto him as if she never wanted to let go. They were both breathing hard and her lips were swollen and red.
She was sexy as hell, and Pid nearly blurted that he was wrong. He didn’t need to wait for her to trust him. But he held back, knowing if they were ever going to work out long-term, he needed to be strong for both of them.
“Now we’re both going to be late,” she said, not moving out of his embrace.
“Totally worth it,” Pid said. “Besides, I can’t tell you how many times Mustang, Midas, and Aleck have been late.”
Monica giggled.
They left the house hand in hand, and while things had taken a strange turn that morning, Pid couldn’t be upset about it. He felt good about where he and Monica stood. As he’d told her, he’d give her as much time as she needed to work through her feelings. He suspected she already trusted him to some extent, even if she didn’t realize it. She wouldn’t have agreed to stay with him if she didn’t. It was just a matter of her coming to terms with her upbringing and overcoming the damage her father had done to her psyche.
Of course, that was easier said than done, and he could recommend some really good psychologists for her to talk to that might make it easier. He should’ve already brought it up, and he’d be sure to do it soon. Pid only wanted Monica to understand what an amazing woman she was. Exactly as she was. She didn’t have to change in order to love and be loved.
Monica thought about what Stuart had said all day as she interacted with the children at the Head Start Center. One thing stuck out like a bright neon blinking light.
He wanted kids.
With her.
She’d dreamed about having a family, but had frequently pushed the thought to the back of her head. She was too fucked up to get married. And while she knew she could have children without being married, she wouldn’t want that for a child.
There was a part of her deep down inside that wanted what she read about in books and saw in movies. She wanted a husband who loved her unconditionally. Who’d be there when she needed him. Who’d be one hundred percent present when it came to raising their children. He’d go to ballet recitals and soccer games. He’d change diapers and help clean the house. He’d never freak out if someone broke something or made a mess.
She’d thought it was a pipe dream. The real world didn’t work like that. So she’d thrown herself into being the best nanny she could be. Living vicariously through other people’s children.
Then she’d met Stuart.
He wasn’t perfect. He made more messes than some of the children she’d cared for, and was lax about keeping his house clean, although it was obvious he was trying harder now that she was there. He left the toilet seat up all the time. When they watched TV together, he tended to hog the remote. Surprisingly, he couldn’t multitask. She’d assumed that a special forces operative would absolutely be able to do two things at once, but that wasn’t the case with Stuart. At least not that Monica had seen.
But did any of that really matter in the long run? The list of things that were amazing about him was four times as long as the little things that annoyed her. Starting with building her a freaking safe room. And letting her stay with him. And sharing his friends with her.
And now, he’d freely admitted that he wanted her to have his children.
Monica felt tears well up in her eyes once more, but blinked them back. She wanted children too. She just wasn’t sure she could ever trust a man the way Stuart wanted her to trust him. And that sucked.
By the time he arrived to pick her up at the end of the day, she mostly had her emotions under control. It helped that he didn’t act any different toward her than he normally did. After she’d gotten into his minivan—a minivan, for God’s sake; he was already way more ready for kids than most men—he leaned over and pulled her into him and kissed her long, hot, and hard.
“What was that for?” she asked breathlessly.
“I missed you,” he said. “I got used to seeing you whenever I wanted on the base. You have a good day?”
“Yeah. Sylvia asked if I’d filled out the application she emailed me,” Monica admitted.
“And?”
“I’ve filled it out, but haven’t submitted it,” she said.
“It’s a big decision,” Stuart told her as he headed for his house. “I’m guessing it doesn’t pay as well as what you were earning as a live-in nanny.”
“It doesn’t,” Monica confirmed.
“And child care during the day isn’t the same as being with someone full time,” he said.
“No, it’s not.”
“And these kids are very different from the ones you’re used to looking after,” Stuart added.
“And?” Monica said a little defensively.
“And nothing, it’s just an observation. Most of the children at Head Start are from disadvantaged parents, and you’re used to nannying for ambassadors and other well-off families.”
Monica wasn’t sure nannying was a word, but that wasn’t what bothered her about Stuart’s observation. “Maybe these kids need me more,” she said a little huffily. “The color of their skin doesn’t make a difference to me. Or how much money their families have. Besides, that’s all the more reason to work with them. To try to make up for any gaps they might have before they get into the public educational system. To put them on the same page as their peers.”
Stuart was grinning as he drove, and that annoyed her further. “What are you smiling about?”
“You. I couldn’t agree with you more. The kids here do need you, Mo.”
She realized suddenly that somehow she’d gone from not being sure about turning in the application to advocating for working at Head Start rather than finding a job for another ambassador or another wealthy family. “You’re impossible,” she muttered.
Stuart only chuckled. “Hey, all I did was ask how your day was.”
Monica had to concede his point. She’d been the one to bring up the application. “I should probably find my own place if I decide to stay,” she said quietly, broaching a subject they’d touched on before.
“No.”
Monica waited. He didn’t say anything else. “No?”
He sighed. “You already know I like you in my house. You like it in my house. You’ve got your own room, I’m doing my best not to be an asshole roommate. I told you once that I wouldn’t rush you, and I’m telling you again. There’s no reason for you to move out. If you want to prove that you can be independent, there’s no need. I already know you can be. You’re a grown woman and have done a damn good job of looking after yourself ever since you moved out of your parents’ house when you were sixteen. I like hanging out with you and talking about our days. I like having someone to make breakfast for. I like everything about you, Mo. If there’s anything I’m doing, or not doing, just say the word and I’ll fix it.”
“It’s not you,” she said automatically. But it was him. He confused her. Made her feel safe. Made her happy.
“Then stay,” he cajoled. “If you need to feel more independent, we’ll find you a reliable used car so you can have your own transportation. I just…don’t want you to go,” he finished softly.
It was hard for her to believe they were even having this conversation, but at least he was driving. That made it easier. Otherwise, he’d probably take her in his arms and kiss her like he had that morning, making her brain short circuit.
“Okay. I’ll stay.”
“Good. Now, what do you want for dinner?”
She had to admit she liked how he made intense topics seem not so…well…intense. “Hamburgers.”
“Done,” he said with a smile.
They drove a few miles before Monica tentatively asked, “Did they find him?”
Stuart knew who she was talking about. “Not yet,” he said. “But they think they’ve nailed down a few of the aliases he’s been using. It’s only a matter of time,” he said confidently.
Monica felt bad that she hadn’t recognized Shane Beyer when she’d looked at his profile. But everyone had known it was a long shot. The man she’d seen had half his face covered and was twenty years older than the pictures she’d looked at. But that didn’t assuage her guilt.
“Do they have any idea what his plans are?” she asked.
She didn’t miss the concerned look Stuart shot her way.
“I know it’s all probably being kept hush-hush, but this involves me, Stuart,” she said earnestly.
Stuart sighed. “They don’t. But now that Huttner knows who he’s looking for, some of the letters and emails he’s received make more sense.”
“Like?” Monica asked when he didn’t elaborate.
“Do you remember that picture of the murdered woman Huttner showed you when you first got to Hawaii?”
Monica couldn’t forget it. The image of the poor woman bleeding out on her comforter, pretty pink flowers covered in blood spatter, was burned into her brain. That could’ve been her, if it hadn’t been for the safe room in the ambassador’s house. “Yes,” she said simply.
“The note accompanying the picture was full of clues.”
Monica racked her brain trying to remember what it said, but with no luck. She’d been too fixated on the picture. “What did it say?”
Stuart recited the note as easily as if it was something he’d read every day, emphasizing the important words.
* * *
“I’d like you to meat my latest work of art. Pictures are better in the raw, I’m no bull in a china shop. I was taught by the best. They said I was insane…does this look like the work of an insane man?”
* * *
“Oh my God,” Monica said.
“Yeah, he practically painted us a picture and no one caught on,” Stuart said in disgust. “Spelling out m-e-a-t instead of m-e-e-t wasn’t a mistake; Meat was Baker’s nickname when he was on the teams. And the reference to Baker’s last name, Rawlins, and Beyer’s own nickname, weren’t coincidences either. There are other messages Huttner received over the years that are similar in nature.”
“So what now?” Monica asked, more shaken up than she wanted to admit.
“We’re on this,” Stuart said firmly. “And you can bet Baker is not a happy man right about now. Knowing someone he trusted and worked with has turned out to be downright psychotic isn’t settling well. He knew the man needed help all those years ago, but this…” Stuart shook his head. “It’s not good.”
Monica wasn’t sure she wanted to know the answer to her next question, but she asked it anyway. “Am I in danger? You know, because I saw him?”
“We don’t think so,” Stuart told her, holding out his hand.
Monica put hers in it without thought. She no longer worried about him holding her bad hand. He’d never indicated in any way that he was repulsed by it, and she’d gotten used to his touch.
“Bull seems more interested in making sure the Navy looks bad, and that the leaders understand he’s only doing what he was taught as a SEAL.”
“You’ve been taught to rape and murder women?” Monica blurted before she could think better of it.
“Hell no. But we do know how to get in and out of countries without being detected. And we do kill, but only those who are a threat to the security of our country. Baker was right all those years ago. Bull is definitely unstable.”
“So why does he assume he won’t come after me?” Monica asked.
“Because it’s Baker he’s most pissed at. After reading all the notes and letters, it’s obvious his anger is focused on his former team leader. He blames him for getting kicked out of the Navy, and everything he’s said puts the target directly on Baker’s head.”
“That’s crazy,” Monica said softly.
“Yeah. Huttner wanted to put Baker in protective custody.”
Monica couldn’t help it. She laughed.
“Right? That’s about what Baker thought of that plan too. He’s perfectly willing to use himself as bait if it means stopping Bull.”
Monica sobered. “That’s not good.”
“No, it’s not. But I trust Baker.”
“He’s not on your team,” Monica pointed out.
“No, he’s not. But he’s a SEAL. I don’t care if he’s been retired for a decade or more. He’s also assisted my team on more than one occasion. He’s got more integrity in his little finger than Bull has in his entire body. Now that we know for sure it’s Bull who you saw, and who’s behind some of the mayhem in countries that don’t need any more unrest, and who’s been escalating by killing and raping women in those countries, he’ll be found. If he dares come looking for Baker? It’ll be the last thing he ever does.”
Monica shivered. She didn’t like this situation. Not at all. But she was relieved that she didn’t seem to be the target of this Bull guy’s wrath. Then something else occurred to her. “Is Jody safe?”
“Who?”
“The woman Baker likes.”
“Oh. I’m sure she is. They aren’t together, but there’s no way Baker would let anyone touch a hair on her head. You’ve seen how protective he is of her.”
She had, but if Bull really wanted revenge, going after the woman his nemesis was interested in would be a good way of doing it. She didn’t voice her opinion. She wasn’t the expert in this situation. Baker was. And Stuart. And his team and their superiors.
Stuart mumbled something under his breath that Monica didn’t catch. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Nothing. I was just kicking myself in the ass for worrying you,” Stuart said.
Monica squeezed his hand. “Don’t. If you had blown off my questions and said everything’s fine, I would’ve known you were lying. And that isn’t exactly the way to get me to trust you.”
She didn’t mean to say that, but now that she had, she couldn’t regret it.
“You’re right. But, Mo, there will be times I can’t tell you what’s going on with me and work.”
“I know. And honestly, I don’t want to know everything. I know there’s ugliness in the world. I experienced it firsthand. And I think if I knew about some of the things you do while on missions, it would eat at me.”
It was Stuart’s turn to squeeze her hand.
“But that doesn’t mean that I want you to put a wall between us when it comes to your job,” she said, knowing she was being contradictory, but struggling to explain herself.
“I get it,” he said.
Of course he did.
“I promise to talk to you about what I can…things that won’t make you uncomfortable. There are lots of good things that we see when we’re deployed.”
“Like?”
“Like the babies we’ve helped bring into the world. Like the stray dogs we’ve helped get into rescue groups. Like the citizens who thank us for what we’re doing. Like the children we meet.”
Monica smiled at that. “You have time to meet kids?”
“Sometimes, yeah. And play with them too. Soccer mostly. They kick our asses,” Stuart said with a smile.
Monica could totally picture Stuart, Mustang, Midas, and the others out on a street kicking a ball around with the local children in their downtime.
“I’m proud of you,” she said a little shyly. “Thank you for your service, Stuart.”
“Those words usually don’t mean much to me,” he admitted. “But coming from you, they mean the world.” He lifted their clasped hands and kissed the back of hers.
Monica sighed and closed her eyes as he continued to drive them home.
Home.
She wasn’t sure when she’d begun to think of his house as home, but she did. And even scarier still, she wasn’t freaked out about it.
She’d lived in huge mansions overseas, expensive homes provided to ambassadors by the government, but none had ever come close to being a home more than the small two-bedroom house she was living in with Stuart.
How the man sitting next to her had come to mean so much, Monica had no idea. One second he was the military man she was extremely wary of, and the next, he was the man she couldn’t bear to leave.
It was confusing…but for once in her life, Monica decided to just roll with the punches. Maybe, just maybe, she’d get a break and things from here on out would be nice and boring.
Chapter Sixteen
It was three days until Kenna and Aleck’s wedding, and Monica’s new friend was freaking out. She was constantly texting everyone in the group chat about how nothing was ready. They all knew for a fact that Robert had everything under control, because Kenna had told them more than once how amazing he was.
Both her parents and Aleck’s folks had arrived in town. They’d had dinner last night and everyone had gotten along perfectly. The weather was supposed to be beautiful on the day of their wedding, and as far as Monica could tell, Kenna was freaking out over nothing.
