The Complete Malazan Book of the Fallen, page 851
‘Just the one, Sergeant. Picking his nose.’
Fiddler opened his eyes and squinted over at Keneb. ‘Like that, Fist. Beddict’s reconfigured his scouting patrols—they pair up. If Smiles and Koryk saw only one, then where was the other one?’ He shifted to get more comfortable and closed his eyes again. ‘And he runs five units—five pairs—in advance of his main body. So.’
‘So,’ repeated Keneb, frowning. He rose, slipped the dagger into his scabbard. ‘If he’s sent one or two down the track, they were meant to be seen. Sergeant Balm, find me that map.’
‘Map, sir? What map?’
Muttering under his breath, Keneb walked over to the heavies. ‘You there—yes, you—name?’
‘Reliko, sir.’
‘What are you doing with those heavies, Reliko?’
‘Why, cos I am one, sir.’
Watching this, Smiles snorted. The top of Reliko’s gnarly head barely reached her shoulder. The man looked like a prune with arms and legs.
‘Who’s your sergeant?’ Keneb asked the Dal Honese soldier.
‘Badan Gruk, sir. But he stayed back sick, sir, along with Sergeant Sinter and Kisswhere. Me and Vastly Blank here, we squadding up with Drawfirst and Shoaly, under Sergeant Primly, sir.’
‘Very well. Go into the command tent and bring me the map.’
‘Aye sir. You want the table with it?’
‘No, that won’t be necessary.’
As the soldier walked off, Fiddler said, ‘Coulda been there and back by now, sir. All by yourself.’
‘I could have, yes. And just for that observation, Sergeant, go and get that map-table for me.’
‘Thought it wasn’t necessary, sir?’
‘I changed my mind. On your feet.’
Groaning, Fiddler sat up, nudged Balm and said, ‘You and me, we got work to do.’
Blinking, Balm stared at him a moment. Then he leapt upright, sword in his hand. ‘Where are they, then?’
‘Follow me,’ Fiddler said, climbing to his feet. ‘And put that thing away before you poke me with it.’
‘Why would I stab you? I mean, I know you, right? I think. Aye, I know you.’
They passed Reliko on their way to the tent.
As the soldier stepped up, Keneb took the rolled-up hide. ‘Thank you. Reliko, before you go, a question—why are all the heavies examining their hands?’
‘We was adding up lost bits, sir, t’see if it made up a whole hand.’
‘Does it?’
‘We’re missing a thumb, but we heard there’s a heavy without any thumbs—might be over in Blistig’s legion.’
‘Indeed, and what would his name be?’
‘Nefarias Bredd, sir.’
‘And how would this soldier be able to wield any weapons, without thumbs?’
Reliko shrugged. ‘Can’t say, sir, as I only seen ’im once, and that was from too far away. I expect he ties ’em up sort of, somehow.’
‘Perhaps,’ ventured Keneb, ‘he’s missing only one thumb. Shield hand, perhaps.’
‘Might be, sir, might be, in which case as soon as we find a thumb, why, we’ll let him know.’ Reliko returned to his companions.
Keneb stared after the soldier, frowning.
‘Kingdoms toppled one by one,’ said Smiles, ‘because of soldiers like him, sir. Keep telling yourself that—that’s how I do it.’
‘Do what, scout?’
‘Stay sane, sir. He’s the one, you know.’
‘Who, what?’
‘The shortest heavy in the history of the Malazan Empire, sir.’
‘Really? Are you certain of that, scout?’
‘Sir?’
But he’d unfurled the map and was now studying it.
Fiddler and Balm were approaching, a heavy table between them. As soon as they arrived, Keneb rolled up the map and set it on the tabletop. ‘You can take that back now, Sergeants. Thank you.’
Smiles jogged her way back to where Koryk was hidden along the ridge. Behind her clunked Corporal Tarr, sounding like a damned tinker’s cart. She shot him a glare over one shoulder. ‘You shoulda strapped down, you know that, don’t you?’
‘This is a damned feint,’ said Tarr, ‘what difference does it make?’
They reached the base of the ridge.
‘I’ll wait here. Go collect the fool, Smiles, and be quick about it.’
Biting back a retort, she set off up the slope. It’d be different, she knew, if she was the corporal. And this was a perfect example. If she was corporal, it’d be Tarr doing this climb and that was a fact.
Koryk heard her coming and worked his way down to meet her. ‘No column, huh?’
‘No, how’d you guess?’
‘Didn’t have to. I waited. And . . . no column.’
They descended the slope side by side to where Tarr waited.
‘We lost the enemy, Corporal?’
‘Something like that, Koryk. And now the Fist’s got us on the move—we’re going to be buggered trying catch-up, too. He’s now thinking we’ve stuck our heads in a wasp nest.’
‘These Letherii couldn’t turn an ambush on us,’ Koryk pronounced. ‘We would’ve sniffed it out by now.’
‘But we didn’t,’ Smiles pointed out. ‘We been flushed, Koryk.’
‘Lazy,’ pronounced Tarr. ‘Overconfident. Fiddler was right.’
‘Of course he was,’ said Smiles. ‘He’s Fiddler. It’s always the problem, the people in charge never listen to the people in the know. It’s like two different worlds, two different languages.’
She stopped when she noticed both men looking at her. ‘What?’
‘Nothing,’ said Tarr, ‘except, well, that was a sharp observation there, Smiles.’
‘Oh, and did that shock you two?’
‘Shocked me,’ admitted Koryk.
She scowled at him.
But secretly, she was pleased. That’s right. I ain’t the fool you think I am. I ain’t the fool nobody thinks I am. Everybody, I mean. Well, they’re the real fools, anyway.
They hurried on, but long before they caught up to the company, it was all over.
The Letherii ambush caught Keneb’s mob coming down a forested slope that funnelled before reaching the basin. Enemy ranks rose up on both sides from fast-dug foxholes and loosed a few hundred un-fletched arrows with soft clay balls instead of barbed iron points. If the flights had been real, half the Malazans would have been downed, dead or wounded. A few more salvos and most of the rest would be out of commission.
Brys Beddict made an appearance in the midst of Letherii catcalls and cheering, walking up to Fist Keneb and painting with one dripping finger a red slash across his boiled-leather cuirass.
‘Sorry, Fist, but you have just been wiped out.’
‘Indeed, Commander,’ Keneb acknowledged. ‘Three hundred dead Bonehunters, cut down in a pocket. Very well done, although I suspect it highlights a lesson as yet undiscovered.’
The smile on Brys’s face faded slightly. ‘Fist? I’m afraid I don’t understand you.’
‘Sometimes, one’s tactics must prove brutal in the execution, Commander. Especially when the timing’s off and nothing can be done for it.’
‘I’m sorry?’
Horns sounded suddenly, from the ridge lines beyond the Letherii units—on all sides, in fact.
Keneb said, ‘Three hundred dead Bonehunters, Commander, and eight hundred dead Letherii, including their supreme commander. Not an ideal exchange for either side, but in a war, probably one the Adjunct could stomach.’
Brys sighed, his expression wry. ‘Lesson delivered, Fist Keneb. My compliments to the Adjunct.’
At that moment, Fiddler walked up to them. ‘Fist, you owe me and my squad two nights’ leave, sir.’
Keneb grinned at Brys Beddict. ‘As much as the Adjunct would appreciate the compliments, Commander, they in fact belong to this sergeant here.’
‘Ah, I see.’
‘That’s another lesson to mull over,’ Keneb said, ‘the one about listening to your veterans, regardless of rank.’
‘Well,’ mused Brys, ‘I may have to go hunting for my few surviving veterans, then. None the less, Fist, the sacrifice of three hundred of your soldiers strikes me as a loss you can ill afford, regardless of the battle’s outcome.’
‘True. Hence my comment about timing, Commander. I sent a rider to Fist Blistig but we could not respond in time to your ambush. Obviously, I would rather have avoided all contact with your troops. But since I know we’d all prefer to sleep in real beds tonight, I thought it more instructive to invite the engagement. Now,’ he added, smiling, ‘we can all march back to Letheras.’
Brys drew out a handkerchief, wetted it from his canteen, and then stepped up to Fist Keneb, and carefully cleaned off the streak of red paint.
Captain Faradan Sort entered Kindly’s office to find her counterpart standing to one side of his desk and staring down at an enormous mound of what looked like hair heaped on the desktop.
‘Gods below, what is that?’
Kindly glanced over. ‘What does it look like?’
‘Hair.’
‘Correct. Animal hair, as best as I can determine. A variety of domestic beasts.’
‘It reeks. What is it doing on your desk?’
‘Good question. Tell me, was Lieutenant Pores in the outer office?’
She shook her head. ‘No one there, I’m afraid.’
He grunted. ‘Hiding, I expect.’
‘I doubt he’d do something like this, Kindly—’
‘Oh, never directly. No, but I would wager a wagonload of imperials he’s had a hand in it. He imagines himself very clever, does my lieutenant.’
‘If he owns anything he values greatly,’ she said, ‘crush it under a heel. That’s how I took care of the one I sensed was going to give me trouble. That was back in Seven Cities, and to this day he looks at me with hurt in his eyes.’
He glanced at her. ‘Hurt? Truly?’
‘Truly.’
‘That’s . . . exceptional advice, Faradan. Thank you.’
‘You’re welcome. Anyway, I was coming by to see if you’d had any better luck finding our two wayward mages.’
‘No. We need to get High Mage Quick Ben involved in the search, I believe. Assuming,’ he added, ‘they’re worth finding.’
She turned away, walked to the window. ‘Kindly, Sinn saved many, many lives at Y’Ghatan. She did so the night of the assault and again with the survivors under the city. Her brother, Corporal Shard, is beside himself with worry. She is precipitous, yes, but I do not consider that necessarily a fault.’
‘And the Adjunct has, it seems, desperate need for mages,’ said Kindly. ‘Why is that?’
She shrugged. ‘I know as little as you, Kindly. We will march soon, away from the comforts of Letheras.’
The man grunted. ‘Never let a soldier get too comfortable. Leads to trouble every time. She’s right in kicking us into motion. Still, it’d be a comfort to know what we’re heading into.’
‘And a greater comfort to have more than one half-mad High Mage to support eight thousand soldiers.’ She paused, and then said, ‘We won’t find ourselves another Beak hiding among the squads. We’ve had our miracle, Kindly.’
‘You’re starting to sound as grim as Blistig.’
She shook herself. ‘You’re right. Apologies. I’m just worried about Sinn, that’s all.’
‘Then find Quick Ben. Get him looking into those closets or Whatever they’re called—’
‘Warrens.’
‘Right.’
Sighing, she swung round and went to the door. ‘I’ll send Pores to you if I see him.’
‘You won’t,’ Kindly said. ‘He’ll come up for air sooner or later, Faradan. Leave the lieutenant to me.’
Sergeant Sinter and her sister sat playing the Dal Honese version of bones with Badan Gruk. The human finger bones were polished with use, gleaming amber. The legend was that they’d belonged to three Li Heng traders who’d come to the village, only to be caught thieving. They’d lost more than their hands, naturally. Dal Honese weren’t much interested in delivering lessons; they preferred something more succinct and, besides, executing the fools just left the path open for more to come wandering in, and everyone liked a good torture session.
That was before things got civilized, of course. Kellanved had put an end to torture. ‘A state that employs torture invites barbarism and deserves nothing better than to suffer the harvest of its own excesses.’ That was said to have been from the Emperor himself, although Sinter had her doubts. Sounded too . . . literate, especially for a damned Dal Honese thief.
Anyway, life stopped being much fun once civilization arrived, or so the old ones muttered. But then, they were always muttering. It was the last career to take up before dying of oldness, the reward for living so long, she supposed. She didn’t expect to survive her career as a soldier. It was interesting to see how it was the green, fresh ones who did all the complaining. The veterans just stayed quiet. So maybe all that bitching was at both ends of life, the young and the old trapped inside chronic dissatisfaction.
Kisswhere collected up the bones and tossed them again. ‘Hah! Poor Badan Gruk—you won’t ever match that, let’s see you try!’
It was a pretty good cast, Sinter had to acknowledge. Four of the core patterns with only a couple of spars missing and one true bridge. Badan would need a near perfect throw to top Kisswhere’s run.
‘I’ll stop there, I said. Toss ’em, Badan. And no cheating.’
‘I don’t cheat,’ he said as he collected up the bones.
‘Then what’s that you just palmed?’
Badan opened his hand and scowled. ‘This one’s gummed! No wonder you got those casts!’
‘If it was gummed,’ Kisswhere retorted, ‘then it was from my sister’s last throw!’
‘Hood’s breath,’ sighed Sinter. ‘Look, you fools, we’re all cheating. It’s in our blood. So now we’ve got to accept the fact that none of us is going to admit they were the one using the gum to get a stick. Clean the thing off and let’s get on with it.’
The others subsided and Sinter was careful to hide her relief. That damned gum had been in her pouch too long, making it dirty, and she could feel the stuff on her fingers. She surreptitiously brought her hands down to her thighs and rubbed as if trying to warm up.
Kisswhere shot her a jaded look. The damned barracks was hot as a head-shrinker’s oven.
They made a point of ignoring the clump of boots as someone marched up to their table. Badan Gruk threw the bones—and achieved six out of six in the core.
‘Did you see that! Look!’ Badan’s smile was huge and hugely fake. ‘Look, you two, look at that cast!’
But they were looking at him instead, because cheaters couldn’t stand that for long—they’d twitch, they’d bead up, they’d squirrel on the chair.
‘Look!’ he said again, pointing, but the command sounded more like a plea, and all at once he sagged back and raised his hands. ‘Fingers clean, darlings—’
‘That would be a first,’ said the man standing now at their table.
Badan Gruk’s expression displayed hurt and innocence, with just a touch of indignation. ‘That wasn’t called for, sir. You saw my throw—you can see my fingers, too. Clean as clean can be. No gum, no tar, no wax. Soldiers can’t be smelly or dirty—it’s bad for morale.’
‘You sure about that?’
Sinter twisted in her chair. ‘Can we help you, Lieutenant Pores?’
The man’s eyes flickered in surprise. ‘You mistake me, Sergeant Sinter. I am Captain—’
‘Kindly was pointed out to us, sir.’
‘I thought I ordered you to cut your hair.’
‘We did,’ said Kisswhere. ‘It grew back. It’s a trait among Dal Honese, right in the blood, an aversion—is that the word, Sint? Sure it is. Aversion. To bad haircuts. We get them and our hair insists on growing back to what looks better. Happens overnight, sir.’
‘You might be comfortable,’ said Pores, ‘believing that I’m not Captain Kindly; that I’m not, in fact, the man who was pointed out to you. But can you be certain that the right one was pointed out to you? If Lieutenant Pores was doing the pointing, for example. He’s one for jokes in bad taste. Infamous for it, in fact. He could have elected to take advantage of you—it’s a trait of his, one suspects. In the blood, as it were.’
‘So,’ asked Sinter, ‘who might he have pointed to, sir?’
‘Why, anyone at all.’
‘But Lieutenant Pores isn’t a woman now, is she?’
‘Of course not, but—’
‘It was a woman,’ continued Sinter, ‘who did the pointing out.’
‘Ah, but she might have been pointing to Lieutenant Pores, since you asked about whoever was your immediate superior. Well,’ said Pores, ‘now that that’s cleared up, I need to check if you two women have put on the weight you were ordered to.’
Kisswhere and Sinter both leaned back to regard him.
The man gave them a bright smile.
‘Sir,’ said Sinter, ‘how precisely do you intend to do that?’
The smile was replaced by an expression of shock. ‘Do you imagine your captain to be some dirty old codger, Sergeant? I certainly hope not! No, you will come to my office at the ninth bell tonight. You will strip down to your undergarments in the outer office. When you are ready, you are to knock and upon hearing my voice you are to enter immediately. Am I understood, soldiers?’
‘Yes sir,’ said Sinter.
‘Until then.’
The officer marched off.
‘How long,’ asked Kisswhere after he’d left the barracks, ‘are we going to run with this, Sint?’
‘Early days yet,’ she smiled, collecting the bones. ‘Badan, since you’re out of the game for being too obvious, I need you to do a chore for me—well, not much of a chore—anyway, I need you to go out into the city and find me two of the fattest, ugliest whores you can.’
‘I don’t like where this is all going,’ Badan Gruk muttered.
‘Listen to you,’ chided Sinter, ‘you’re getting old.’
‘What did she say?’
