A Guide to Being Just Friends, page 29
“What?” Chris stared.
“Whoa, dude. Way to bury the lead.” Noah shook his head. He got up, went to Wes’s fridge, and pulled out a beer.
Wes looked at him, frowning. “It’s morning.”
Noah twisted off the beer cap, took Wes’s coffee, and set the beer in his hand. “No, it isn’t. And if you’re hungover, which I haven’t seen since you were about twenty, you need this first.”
Chris joined them, pulling a chair out from the table, swinging it around to straddle it. “What happened?”
The bottle was cool in his hand as he clenched his fingers around it. He didn’t want the beer but it felt good to hold on to something.
“We’ve known each other close to a year; she knows I don’t want to get married and have a family. We could have stayed together longer but she insisted that if she loves me and I don’t feel the same, it’s not worth it. Since when is having someone in your life who complements you, whose company you enjoy, a waste of time? She didn’t think it was a waste to be friends even though we weren’t throwing meaningless declarations around then.” He set the beer down too hard, making it slosh over.
“Chris?” Noah looked at his brother.
Chris nodded. “Right. Okay. Where to start. First, you’re an idiot.”
Noah pointed at him. “Excellent point. Exactly where I would have started.”
“Secondly,” Chris said, nodding again, “what do you mean you don’t want to get married and have kids? Fine if Hailey isn’t the one, but do you mean never?”
“I would have stuck on the idiot thing longer but we can totally swing back around,” Noah said, grabbing a kitchen chair so his pose mimicked Chris’s.
Wes glared at them. “Since always. Why would I do that to myself? To someone else? To children? Do you not remember how awful it was in the days leading up to the divorce? The yelling and accusations, then the way Dad tried to use us as bargaining chips? The way he threatened Mom with us if she went after any sort of settlement aside from the one he’d drawn up?”
To their credit, both of his brothers looked a little lost. That’s what he’d always wanted for them but suddenly, the burden of being the only one to know felt like it could drag him to the ground. He shoved both hands through his hair.
“It’s not like you two are ring shopping. I was self-aware enough to tell her up front that I didn’t want all that. Maybe you two got lucky, the conversation hasn’t arisen. You won’t talk about prenups at all so what do I know. But I don’t see you heading down any aisles.” He paced to the patio, pulled open the sliding door.
“I want to marry Grace. I hope we have kids.” Noah’s voice was quiet.
“I love Everly more than anything. All I want is to have her be my wife. I just don’t want to rush her.” Chris looked uncomfortable before he asked, “Is Hailey just not the one?”
The one. Everything. “No. Trust me, if ever I was going to dive off that plank into shark-infested waters, she’d be the one I’d do it with. But come on, guys, look at the statistics. Doesn’t that worry you?”
Chris shrugged. “Not more than losing Everly.”
Noah’s brows bounced. “When have I ever not beat statistics?”
“It seemed like you two really fit. Do you care about her at all?”
Wes whirled so fast he felt dizzy. “Do I care about her? Of course I do. But when I do things to show that, she gets all mad, tells me she loves me, then dumps me because I don’t say it back.”
“Can we insert the idiot thing again?”
Chris smacked Noah. “It’s okay not to want marriage and kids, Wes. But it surprises me. Is that really how you feel or is it because of how we grew up? What do you feel, Wes?”
Wes swallowed. “Right now?”
Chris shook his head. “No. When you’re with her.”
Walking back and forth across his kitchen, he tried to put the words together to describe what being with Hailey was like.
“I feel like I’ve found a secret code that unlocks a different world that only I’m allowed to be part of, that only I know how to navigate. Even the hurdles feel more manageable with her there. It feels like everything fits perfectly into place even when it doesn’t all make sense.” He sucked in a breath. “I feel happy.”
“It seems cruel to point out the idiocy now,” Noah said in a genuinely perplexed tone.
“I’m not an idiot. I’m protecting her. Protecting both of us. What do I know about love? Nothing. That’s what. Absolutely nothing. We don’t just jump in and hope for the best with business. How can you do that with love? With emotions, when they can be unstable? When they can change? This isn’t a game where I can win more lives or defeat the bad guy. There’s no prize. Just a broken heart and an inability to breathe because I’ve put too much stake in a person who isn’t me.”
He didn’t realize he was shouting until he stopped.
“Can I tell him?” Noah stood up.
“Don’t be a jackass, Noah,” Chris said.
Approaching Wes, he put both hands on his shoulders, looked him square in the eye. “It’s too late.”
Wes stared at him, wondering what that meant. His head hurt.
“You already love her.”
He shook his head. “No. I’ve been very careful about my feelings.”
“Your heart doesn’t give a shit,” Noah said, shrugging like what he was saying was of no consequence.
Chris stood up, knocked Noah’s arm so he dropped them both. “The thing is, this isn’t something you can plan, control, or navigate. You love her. You can tell yourself you don’t but the emptiness you’re feeling is the truth. That’s what you have to look forward to now, so I have a question.”
He crossed his arms. “What?”
“The way you’re feeling right now? Would you rather feel this for the rest of your life or take a chance, admit what you really feel, and do everything in your power to hang on tight and never let her go?”
The silence felt like a weight on his chest. Breathing through his nose, he thought about what he was feeling right now compared to how he felt in Hailey’s presence. He thought about the way she looked at him, the part of him that had felt like dancing when she’d said the three words. The way his heart leaped when he saw her.
“But what if…” He trailed off.
“There’s no guarantees, man. Not in real estate, investments, or love. But we’ve done pretty well trusting our instincts,” Noah said.
He stared at his brothers, wondering if they could be right. Hailey had called him a coward. Was she right, too? He was definitely scared, but a more terrifying thought jumped around in his brain: What if he had to live the rest of his life without her?
Was it possible that telling her he loved her—admitting that he did—was less scary than walking away? On one hand, the idea of professing his feelings made his skin itch, but the idea of never trying, never seeing her again made his body feel like there was an empty cavern no amount of light could fill.
“I need to get her back,” Wes said.
“Man, that took a while,” Noah said, grinning.
Chris laughed. “Come on, Noah. We took our time figuring out how to get it right, too.”
Noah nodded, clapped Wes on the back. “He’s right. We did. Which means, we can help.”
42
The next few days were a bit of a blur. Noah and Chris got it in their heads that Wes had been holding out on them as far as his ability to create computer games. Wes didn’t see how this could be a surprise to them seeing as he’d created multiple apps and accrued interest on the revenue from those.
He was happy they were pushing him to explore ways to pursue creating a full-version game, if for no other reason than it was keeping him busy. It kept him from standing outside Hailey’s door, begging her to talk to him, to forgive him. He’d learned enough about her now to know that a simple “I’m sorry” wasn’t going to cut it. He’d hurt her. More than that, he’d diminished her trust in what they shared.
He knocked on the door, his nerves feeling like needles poking into his skin. When Piper answered, she gave him a cool glare but gestured for him to come in.
“I appreciate you seeing me,” Wes said. It’d been a week since he last saw Hailey. It had taken all of his willpower to avoid her shop, avoid calling or texting.
“This better be good.” She led him into the kitchen, where Fiona was waiting. The other woman didn’t smile at him.
“Fiona.” He nodded.
“Wes.”
Right. At least Hailey had strong, loyal supports in place. “Thank you for letting me come here.”
“You hurt her. When Dorian left, she went into planning mode. It was like she’d known it was over even before it was. Sure, her pride took a hard hit but it didn’t knock her down. Not completely.” Piper held his gaze as she relayed this information. “You did. There’s a piece of her that’s changed. How are you going to fix it?”
Wes shoved his hands in his pockets, his heart hurting with the realization of the pain he’d inflicted. This was what it was like to love someone? You felt their pain more acutely than your own? The need to fix everything he’d broken was spiraling inside of him. He’d spent considerable time thinking about that very thing. His need for control, his desire to fix and help was his way of making sure he took care of the people he cared for. The people he loved. But there was more to loving someone than just “fixing” things.
“I’m not sure I can.”
Both of their mouths dropped open so he hurried on. “I hurt her and I can’t even begin to tell you how much I hate that I did. I can’t undo it or go back in time. Hell, I may mess up in the future and hurt her again. Though, it’ll never be my intention to do that. If I could absorb her hurt, I would. Instead, I want to show her how much she means to me. I want to show her that she’s part of me and it’ll always be my goal to fill her life with happiness, not tears. But I need help.” The words were unfamiliar to him.
Maybe he was overly hopeful but he was almost positive he saw a sheen in Piper’s gaze and a hint of a smile on Fiona’s mouth. In an unintentionally synchronized move, both women crossed their arms over their chests. They didn’t tell him to leave so he shook off his nerves, approached the counter, and set his hands on the edge to give himself something to hold on to.
Then, he put everything out there, telling them how he felt and what he was willing to do to prove it.
43
She was not wallowing. She refused. Which was why Hailey said yes when Piper invited her for dinner. Nick and the kids had gone to see a movie. She’d managed to avoid more than talking on the phone with her cousin for the last ten days. She worried that even though she was holding it together, functioning as she should, one look at Piper would be like tugging the bottom block out of the Jenga game.
Taking a deep breath, she shook her arms, hands, and body a little just to reset herself. You’re fine. You’re not a blubbering mess. Life happens. Hearts get broken. You are rocking the salad world. You have friends. You are loved. Maybe not by the man … nope, veering off track there, Hailey. You are fine.
She knocked. Piper opened the door, her smile soothing some of the sadness in Hailey. Pulling her into a hard hug, she rocked back and forth.
“I love you. And I truly believe I’m not the only one.” Piper pulled back, kissed Hailey on the cheek, then skirted around her, nudging her inside.
“What are you doing?” Hailey stood in Piper’s entryway as her cousin descended the couple of steps.
Piper turned, purse slung over her shoulder. “Moving out of the way so you can get what you deserve.” Piper pointed. “Shut the door. Go inside.”
Hailey did as she was told, leaning her head against the cool wood. When she turned, pressing her back to the door, she wondered why Piper thought she deserved time alone. She’d thought, for sure, Piper was going to go all mama bear on her, pamper her, let her cry it out over wine she’d saved for just such occasions.
She pushed off the door. She’d grab the wine, head out to the pool deck, and enjoy the quiet. She left her shoes and purse by the door, padded down the hallway to the kitchen.
Smiling, she walked to the glass of red that was already sitting there. She picked it up, sipped. Deep breath in, out. She was going to be okay. It might not feel like it in those moments between sleep and waking when it all came rushing back. But she would be.
Heading toward the sliding doors, she smiled wider when she saw Piper had turned on the twinkle lights strung around the edges of the patio.
Sliding the door open, she was surprised to hear music playing. As she closed the door behind her, she wrinkled her nose.
“Really, Piper?” The eighties classic “I Want to Know What Love Is,” by Foreigner, played through the outdoor speakers.
There was a small partition that blocked her view of the pool but once she’d rounded it, everything inside of her came to a pause. Set up beside the pool was a table for two with a white linen tablecloth. Candles flickered from the center of the table, adding a subtle glow. The twinkle lights seemed to dance to the tempo of the music.
Wes stood beside the table dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a black T-shirt. Her heart thrashed against her rib cage. She felt her pulse everywhere. The wineglass was heavy in her hand.
He clutched a handful of colorful flowers. She didn’t know the name but they were like petaled rainbows.
Wes walked forward, stopped in front of her. “This moment is the first one I’ve been able to breathe properly since I left your side.”
She stared up at him, sure she was seeing things, hearing things. “What are you doing here?”
He took a deep breath, and she felt it fan across her skin when he exhaled. “Anything I have to in order to show you I was wrong. To show you what you mean to me.” He extended the flowers. “These were so bright and happy. It made me smile just to look at them. They reminded me of you.”
Her breath whooshed out of her lungs as she closed her eyes, then opened them. She took the flowers, hoping he didn’t see her hands shake. “I know I matter to you, Wes. And I miss you. I do. But we can’t go back to being friends. At least not yet. Maybe one day. But not yet.”
He took the flowers and the wine, walked to the table, and set them down before coming back to take her hand. He led her to a chair, held it out. She sat and Wes pulled his chair directly in front of her so their knees were touching.
“This is more than friendship, Hailey. So much more. You were right about me. I was scared. I was a coward.”
She shook her head, doing her best to stuff down her emotions. “You were right, too. I knew who you were, what you wanted and didn’t want out of life. You can’t make someone love you back. Let’s just call it even and hope that in the future we can be in the same room without it hurting.”
He shook his head. “No.”
Hailey’s brows moved up. “Excuse me?”
“I never wanted to be in love. From what I’d heard, what I’d seen with my brothers, it was the equivalent of jumping out of an airplane with a chute you’re only hopeful will work. There are no guarantees. Those three words seemed more like a watered-down farewell than an expression of how the other person alters someone’s life just by being part of it. My father would say it to calm my mother and his subsequent wives and girlfriends, appease them. My mother says it so often at the end of a conversation, I’ve heard her say it to her hairdresser and masseuse. I’m not even sure if she knows she’s saying it or if it’s just habit. So how meaningful can they be?”
Hailey’s lips twitched so she gave into the small smile. “Maybe they’re really good at what they do.” What he said made so many things make sense. The emotion in his voice seeped into the cracks of her heart.
He laughed, reached out to take her hands. “You make me laugh. You call me on things when I don’t make any sense. You have the most amazing heart and work ethic of anyone I know. You’re not afraid to reflect, to dig deep and see what you can do to make the world around you better. You not only started over but you flourished. You’ve changed me.”
Tears pushed. “I wasn’t trying to. People shouldn’t have to change for love.” Though, maybe they changed because of it.
Wes scooted closer, his knees going on the outside of hers. “That’s not entirely true. I mean, isn’t that what life is? Growing, changing, making the effort to be better? To be more? To realize the ways we’re preventing our own happiness?”
She shrugged. “I guess.”
“When I hit a wall in my coding, I have to go around, under, over, basically tearing apart every step I made to see which one was wrong. When I did that to myself, when I pulled apart my mistakes, trying to figure out where I went wrong so I could stop feeling so lost, so empty, without you, I figured it out. I thought by controlling my feelings, by refusing to say the words, there was no way to fail. I was stupid enough to believe that not saying the words meant I could stop myself from feeling them. I was so sure I could chart the course of my future without being hurt. The irony is, I put up a roadblock in my head and around my heart, refusing to admit to being in love because I told myself that way, nothing could hurt me. I thought there was nothing more terrifying than falling in love with you. Than having my heart in your hands.”
She pulled her hands back, set them flat on her thighs. “But?”
Wes held her gaze, his confident and sure. “But that’s nothing compared to how scared I am that you won’t forgive me, that you won’t believe I love you enough to fight for you, to change and grow. That I know now why people say those words. I know what they mean, at least to me.”
She blinked back the tears. “What do they mean?”
He nodded his head. “They mean I’m vulnerable. I run the risk of you hurting me or worse, me hurting you. But the reward of owning them, of telling you every single day that I love you, that I will always love you, well, that’s like nothing I’ve ever known. I want to weather hard times and argue over which version of Overboard is better. I want to spend my life with you, accepting you and loving you for exactly who you are. And nothing could be scarier than the thought that I’ve missed my chance. That I’m too late.”
