A Guide to Being Just Friends, page 28
Hailey’s laugh felt like acid in her throat. “I’m not particularly enjoying this conversation so I guess we’re even.”
He let out a frustrated sound. “Things are great between us. Why do we have to do this?”
“Wes, you got your mom to buy my building because you were worried about my rent. But you’re mad because I love you?”
Shock registered in his expression. “You said it was a slip!” He pointed at her.
“Yeah, as in, I shouldn’t have said it out loud.” The buckle of her purse was digging into the spot between her breasts but she only held tighter.
“But you love me?” He sounded … heartbroken.
What the actual hell? “I can’t help how I feel.” At least, not to the extent he clearly could.
“Of course you can. We both can.” He closed the distance between them. “We’re a great match. We make each other laugh, we’re attracted to each other, we enjoy each other’s company. Can’t that be enough?”
“You’ll never love me?”
His gaze answered before his mouth. “I don’t want to be in love. I don’t want to get married or have children.”
Her throat went dry. She wanted all of those things. She nodded her head, up and down, up and down, like the movement could absorb the pain of his words.
Wes gripped her shoulders. “That doesn’t mean we can’t be together. I want to be with you. So much.”
“I’m not asking for declarations or promises but I don’t know if I can just go forward knowing you never want those things with me.”
“It’s not you. It’s those things I don’t want. We can be—we are happy together.”
Pain radiated through her body with the truth of what he was saying. “I can’t be in another relationship where I’m the only one who’s willing to give. Who’s willing to fall all the way. I told you this.”
He dropped his hands but Hailey wasn’t done. “Wes, you’re scared. I think you care about me more than you want to. Isn’t it possible that you’re just afraid to admit how you really feel? To me and to yourself?” His behavior, his words—not at this particular moment but usually—suggested that he could love her. That he might already.
Wes stared at her like she’d lost her mind. “You don’t make any sense. You sell salads but eat sugar, you’d give the shirt off your back to anyone but get mad when I step up to help, you’ve been on the wrong side of love but still throw the word around like a naïve person who doesn’t know any better.”
Hailey tossed her purse to the couch and stepped into his space. She wanted to touch him, pull him close, make him feel what she felt. Instead, she worked to gentle her tone. “Believing in love doesn’t make me naïve. It makes me brave. The fact that I was hurt makes me stronger, more sure of what I want. I’m not afraid to ask for it or want it. You think you can slot everything into its own box but life doesn’t work like that. I don’t work like that.”
“You’re supposed to learn from your mistakes,” he said haughtily.
All gentleness fled. Hailey’s heart fell right down to her shoes. She squared her shoulders. “Screw you, Wes. I did learn. I learned that I’d rather get hurt again than be too damn scared to feel anything real. All the money, the investments, the control over your feelings you’re so proud of? Those things seem safe but playing it that way makes you a coward. If you can’t give yourself completely, let yourself fall even if it means you break, you’ll never be truly happy. And if you can’t at least try, we aren’t going to work out.”
His hand clenched and unclenched. She saw the tightness in his stance, the coldness in his gaze. “I hate to be the one to tell you this but love and happiness rarely go hand in hand.”
He walked out before she could ask him to go. When the door closed behind him, Hailey stood there, wondering how the hell everything had changed. She didn’t realize she was crying until the tears fell to her chest, rolling along her skin. She continued to stand there, frozen. What had she said to him? That she’d rather hurt than not try? Well, you tried.
Lowering herself to the corner of the couch, she tucked her knees up so she could wrap her arms around them. She squeezed tighter, trying to lessen the impact, but there was no way. There was no way not to feel every word he’d said, the look in his eyes and the realization that not only could he not love her back, if given the choice, he wouldn’t.
Was this better? Feeling this way? Like her heart was paper being torn apart, every shred landing in a discarded pile on the floor? She felt like she was watching herself from outside her body. Through the trembling and the tears, she knew, deep down, on some level, that she’d be okay. But she’d never be the same.
40
Hailey grinned at the customer until her cheeks ached. “Thanks for coming in.” She started cleaning the counter as Leo came back from his break.
“Hey. I’m going to head out to do the deliveries,” he said.
Turning her head, she nodded. “Great. Can you make sure to drop the envelope I tucked in the box with Rob at the gym? He wants to expand his order.”
Leo nodded, hung up his apron. “You bet. You okay, Miss Hailey?”
Pushing her smile back in place, she looked at him. “I’m fine, why?”
“I just … I don’t know, you seem different.” He shrugged.
Different? Like what? Like someone had plucked her heart out of her chest and she was now operating at a deficiency? She pictured one of Wes’s games where every time she lost, one little red heart disappeared. She nearly laughed at her own thoughts.
“Nope. I’m good. Thanks for doing the deliveries.”
He stared at her a moment longer then left through the kitchen. She was dicing cucumber when Tara walked through the door. She’d purposefully avoided Piper’s and Fiona’s texts because she was no longer in a place in her life where she was going to let a little thing like having her heart obliterated derail her goals.
She was fine.
“Hey, Tara. How’s it going?”
Tara’s brown curls framed her round face. Hailey had slight eyelash envy and considered asking where she got them done.
“Hi. I’m good. How are you?” She had a paper in her hand.
Hailey came around the counter, leaving the veggies, wiping her hands on her apron. “I’m good. Things are busy. What’s that?” She gestured to the paper.
“Esther had the idea to do a newsletter for the shops. We thought it would be a good way to do specials, share upcoming promotions, and get the word out. I wanted to show you and get some ideas of what you’d like to add.”
Taking the paper, she looked over the layout, saw the examples others had put for their shops. Two for One Tuesday was advertised at several of the shops.
“This is really great. It’s a wonderful idea. You could put these flyers somewhere like Rob’s gym or other high-volume places.”
Tara nodded. “That’s a great idea. Do you want in on the Tuesday specials?”
Hailey wiped her hands on her apron again. “Actually, do you have a minute? I wanted to ask you about something.”
Tara regarded her with an easy smile. “Of course.”
They sat at one of the tables, Hailey gripping the apron in her fingers. “I’ve been thinking about a food truck. I wanted your opinion. I hope it’s okay to ask.” She took a deep breath. “I admire you and love what you’ve done with your business. Esther told me when you started, you only had three signature desserts and coffee.” Hailey wanted to build and grow. But maybe here wasn’t her place.
Tara smiled as if happy memories were filtering through her head. “It’s been a few years now. Yeah, those first couple years, when more of the shops were empty, it was tough. But three desserts turned to four, then six. I hired a woman named Maddie who owns her own business now. She knew how to make fancy drinks so that got added to the menu. I think a food truck is an amazing addition but I would caution you against too much too fast. When I started, I wanted to add a full menu but a friend suggested I start small. Make them want more.”
Hailey let go of her apron, put her hands on the table. “Oh. No. I meant a food truck instead.”
Tara didn’t bother trying to hide the surprise. “Oh.” She frowned. “Why? Things are going so well.” She leaned in, folded her arms.
Hailey did her best to sound like she was reciting the specials, that the words didn’t affect her. Didn’t drag across the spot where her heart had been with sharp little nails. “They are. I’m not sure if you know but Wes’s mother is the new owner. He encouraged her to buy the place. I don’t know … at first I was mad he wanted to swoop in and save me. It turned out to be more than that. Not all about me.” She let out a bitter laugh. “But I don’t know if I can stay. Not with.” Tears threatened and she looked toward the ceiling. “It’s just too close, you know?”
“Wait, I thought you and Wes were doing great. You’re so good together.” Tara leaned forward, covered Hailey’s hand.
Her words felt like a sucker punch. They were good together. Tara was in his circle, not hers. Asking a business-related question was one thing—that took enough nerve on its own. She was not falling apart in front of Tara. “We broke up. Which is fine but, as I’m sure you can guess, makes things more awkward. I’m just looking at other opportunities.”
Tara squeezed her hand. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know him as well as Chris but he’s a good man and I haven’t ever seen him smile the way he does with you.”
Hailey tried to swallow repeatedly like she would on an airplane. “We want different things.” She was so proud that her voice didn’t crack. “He’s a wonderful man. I hope he finds what he’s looking for.” There. Take that back to Wes. She was cool, calm, and collected.
Compassion shone in Tara’s gaze, making the lump in Hailey’s throat grow.
“Sometimes people have what they didn’t realize they wanted right in front of them. They just need help opening their eyes.”
Hailey pasted on a smile. “I doubt he sees it that way.” Or that he ever would. He was too convinced love wasn’t for him.
Tara leaned in again. “Sweetie, I was talking about you.”
“What?” Her voice cracked, she covered it with a cough.
“You came here so full of dreams about your shop being successful. You started from scratch, you’re doing fantastic. Why would you walk away from that? You need to focus on what you can control, Hailey.” Ha. Wes would like that advice. Why can’t you control this ache?
“I don’t want to be indebted to anyone.” She didn’t ever want to feel like she owed anyone anything or that she hadn’t earned what she’d gained. She’d basically been on her own since her early teens, learning not to rely even on the people closest because they didn’t have the time or inclination. It made her strong. Strong enough to face this. But are you facing it if you run?
“What makes you indebted? You haven’t even met Wes’s mom. Am I indebted to her as well? Is she doing us a favor?” Tara pointed to the roof. “At the moment, that favor is giving me a headache.”
Hailey tried to think of how to explain herself. “Of course you don’t owe her. Wes didn’t feel compelled to make sure your rent wasn’t an issue.”
Tara shook her head, clearly not understanding. “Listen, if he wanted to, I’d be fine with that. But that’s me. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do this on your own. You are. But it’s human nature to want to help the people you care about. Those Jansen boys walked away from the power money brings to show that they understood their ability to make a difference. To do things, be part of things they care about. Things that matter. I’m guessing that Wes wouldn’t put his mother in a situation that didn’t benefit her.”
“Well, no.” He might not love Hailey but she was sure he loved his mother.
“They’re estranged from their father. I’m guessing the compassionate, amazing pieces of their personality are in some way directly connected to their mom or just their close relationship with each other.”
Hailey realized she’d probably get to meet the woman, but not how she’d hoped.
“I’m sure she’s lovely.”
Tara nodded. “And smart.”
“Of course.”
“Smart enough not to do something just because one of her sons likes you.”
Something painful stabbed Hailey’s chest. She nodded. “Liked. Not loved.”
Tara made a nurturing sound that must have been the secret code to all of Hailey’s emotions because they unraveled in an instant. She covered her mouth with her hand, trying to contain it, to stop it, but the sob escaped.
“Oh, sweetie.” Tara hurried around the table, wrapping her arms around Hailey, murmuring softly, encouraging her to cry if she needed, that everything would be okay.
But she was wrong. Nothing would be okay. She’d lost more than a lover, a confidant, a boyfriend. She’d lost her friend. The person who made her laugh, who teased her about forgetting to set alarms and didn’t mind being teased about the overabundance of the ones he had set. A person who in so little time had come to know her well enough to complete her sentences, see the best in her, and make her believe anything was possible. Just not love.
41
Wes ran his hand over his face, frowning at the rasping sound that followed. When was the last time he shaved? He pulled open the door to let both of his brothers into his apartment. They said nothing as they shuffled past him in suits.
Instead of joining them in the living room, he went to the coffee maker.
“Wes,” Chris said.
Wes turned from making coffee. “What?”
“We had a meeting. You flaked. What the hell?” Noah said.
His brows scrunched closer as he tried to remember his schedule for the week. His brain felt a little fuzzy. Glancing at the counter, he was surprised to see his couple of beers had turned into seven empties. Apparently, he’d had a pity party for one last night.
“Sorry.” He went back to making coffee.
“Sorry? That’s it?” Chris’s voice held no judgment and he appreciated his brother that much more for it.
“Blink twice if your body has been invaded by aliens,” Noah said, coming around to get his face in Wes’s.
Wes’s lips quirked even as a steady, uncomfortable bass began to beat at the base of his neck. “Remind me about the meeting.”
“It was a board meeting. For the rec center. When was the last time you forgot anything? What’s going on?” Chris flanked the other side of him.
“I guess I had more beer than I thought. I must have slept through my alarm.” He glanced around after pressing start on the coffee maker. “I’m not sure where my phone is.”
His brothers followed him into the living room. His laptop sat open on the game he’d made for Hailey. He’d worked through every single combination last night. All roads led to her. Jesus. What a fool he was. He started to close the laptop.
“Wait, what is that?” Noah, being Noah, picked it up without permission.
Wes’s gut turned in a way that had nothing to do with his hangover.
Chris sat beside Noah, forcing Wes to move down on his own couch. They pressed start and worked through the game. Wes waited, the muscles in his shoulders pulled tight.
“This is awesome,” Noah said, laughing with genuine joy. He looked over at Wes. “Pretty basic, but it’s fantastic. Did Hailey love it?”
He nodded. And him. She loved him. Or thought she did. That’s what happened: people confused affection and their desire to not be alone with a word that had deadly potential to wreck lives.
“Can you expand on this? Could you create something more complex? Different levels? More players? Could you do something like add another character into the mix—almost like a bad guy?”
Wes ran both hands over his face then stared at Noah. “Yes. To all of your questions. But I’m not going to. It was just a stupid gesture that, in the end, wasn’t worth my time.” It was good that they’d parted ways. Better now than years from now when she was dropping hints with wedding magazines.
Noah pressed some buttons that made a sound Wes didn’t recognize.
“We’ll come back to that, but first tell me if you’ve made other games and if these graphics are yours,” Chris said, taking the laptop from Noah.
Wes looked over, frowning. Had he added to the code last night? He didn’t remember. “Wait, why are there two different paths?”
Chris glanced at him. “You created it, dude.”
Wes took the computer. Now, instead of just Hailey being the end goal, there was a miniature Wes character in the right corner. Clicking the keys, Wes unlocked the path that led to him on his own. Shit. He must have included that. See? Even drunk, he knew he was better off taking a road that led to him being alone. When he got through the maze, the little version of himself jumped up and down with a speech bubble over his head reading, “You are alone.” His stomach sank. The character’s cheesy smile crumpled as he then crumpled onto the ground with another speech bubble popping up. It read, “For the rest of your life.”
“Damn. That’s dark, man.” Chris shook his head.
“What did Hailey say to that part?” Noah’s voice was strained, his face scrunched.
Wes swore. “That part wasn’t there when she saw it. I must have added it last night.”
Getting up, Wes went back to the kitchen. He needed a shower. He definitely needed to shave. It had been a few days; why didn’t he feel more like himself? Why the hell had he added that dark option for his game? Not wanting the answers to his own questions, he shook his head, as if that could clear the cobwebs.
Taking a long drink, the bitter liquid burning his tongue and the back of his throat, he hoped the caffeine would kick in quick. He heard his brothers arguing under their breath. Might as well say it out loud. He turned, leaned against the counter, crossing one ankle over the other.
“Hailey dumped me.”
If he didn’t feel like he was going to throw up, he would have laughed at the way both of their heads swiveled in his direction.
