The Dark-Hunters, page 16
“No, I’m fine. Are you all right?”
He didn’t move.
“Julian?” She reached for him.
He pulled back from her as if she were poisonous. “I’m fine. It was just a bad dream.”
“A bad dream or a bad memory?”
“A bad memory that always haunts my dreams,” he whispered, his voice laden with grief. He got out of bed. “I should sleep somewhere else.”
Grace caught his arm before he could leave, and pulled him back toward the bed. “Is that what you’ve always done in the past?”
He nodded.
“Have you ever told anyone about the dream?”
Julian stared aghast at her. What did she take him for? Some sniveling child that needed its mother?
He’d always borne his anguish inside. As he’d been taught. It was only when he slept that the memories were able to sneak past his defenses. Only when he slept that he was weak.
In the book, there was no one to hurt when his nightmare came upon him. But once released from his prison, he knew better than to sleep at the side of someone he might inadvertently grab while in the throes of it.
He could have accidentally killed her.
That thought terrified him.
“No,” he whispered. “I’ve never told anyone.”
“Then tell me.”
“No,” he said firmly. “I don’t want to relive it.”
“If you’re reliving it every time you dream, then what’s the difference? Let me in, Julian. Let me see if I can help.”
Dare he even hope that she could?
You know better.
And yet …
He wanted to purge the demons. He wanted to sleep one night in peaceful slumber, free of torment.
“Tell me,” she gently insisted.
Grace sensed his reluctance as he rejoined her in bed. He remained seated on the side, his head in his hands. “You asked me earlier how I became damned. I was cursed because I betrayed the only brother I ever knew. The only family I ever had.”
His anguish reached deep inside her. She wanted desperately to run her hand over his back in a comforting manner, but didn’t dare touch him lest it make him withdraw again. “What did you do?”
He ran his hand through his hair, then balled his fist in it. His jaw more rigid than steel, he stared at the carpet. “I allowed envy to poison me.”
“How?”
He paused for a long minute before he spoke again. “I met Iason not long after my stepmother sent me to live in the barracks.”
She vaguely remembered Selena telling her about the Spartan barracks where sons were forced to live away from their homes and families. She’d always thought of them as a kind of boarding school. “How old were you?”
“Seven.”
Unable to imagine being forced from her parents at that age, Grace gasped.
“There was nothing unusual about it,” he said without looking at her. “And I was big for my age. Besides, life at the barracks was infinitely preferable to living with my stepmother.”
She heard the venom in his voice and wondered what the woman had been like. “I take it Iason lived in the barracks with you?”
“Yes,” he whispered. “Each barracks was divided up into groups where we chose the boy we wanted to lead us. Iason was the leader of my group.”
“What did these groups do?”
“We functioned like a military unit. We studied, performed chores, but most of all, we banded together to survive.”
She started at such a harsh word. “Survive what?”
“The Spartan lifestyle,” he said, his voice laced with acrimony. “I don’t know how much you know about my father’s people, but they didn’t have the luxuries of the other Greeks.
“The Spartans only wanted one thing from their sons. They wanted us to grow into the strongest fighting force of the ancient world. To prepare us for our future, we were taught how to survive with only the barest of necessities. We were given one tunic to last us the year, and if it became damaged or lost or we outgrew it, we had to go without one. We were only permitted a bed provided we made it ourselves. And once we reached puberty, we were no longer allowed shoes for our feet.”
He laughed bitterly. “I can still remember how badly my feet would ache in the winter. We were forbidden a fire or blanket to keep us warm, so we tied rags around our feet at night to keep them from frostbite. Then, in the morning, we would carry away the bodies of the boys who had died of exposure in their sleep.”
Grace cringed at the world he was describing. She tried to imagine what it must have been like to live in it. Worse, she remembered the fit she’d pitched at age thirteen for a pair of eighty-dollar shoes her mother had said were too mature for her, while at the same age, Julian would have been scrounging for rags. The injustice of it cut her. “You were just children.”
“I was never a child,” he said simply. “But worst of all, we were never given much food to eat, so we were forced to steal or to starve.”
“And parents allowed this?”
He cast a sardonic look to her over his shoulder. “They considered it their civic duty. And since my father was the Spartan stratgoi, most of the boys and teachers despised me the instant they saw me, and I was given even less food than the others.”
“Your father was what?” she asked, not understanding the Greek term he used.
“The top general, if you will.” He took a deep breath and continued. “Because of his position and reputation for cruelty, I was a pariah to my group. While they would band together to steal, I was left on my own to survive as best I could. Then one day, Iason was caught stealing bread. When we returned to the barracks, they were going to punish him for being caught. So I stepped forward, and took the blame.”
“Why?”
He shrugged as if the matter were of little importance. “He was so weak from his earlier beating that I didn’t think he could survive another one.”
“Why had they beaten him earlier that day?”
“That’s the way we always started our day. As soon as we were dragged from our beds, we were severely beaten.”
Grace winced. “Then why would you take the beating for him, if you were sore, too?”
“Being born of a goddess, I can take quite a beating.”
Grace closed her eyes as he repeated Selena’s words from that afternoon. This time, she couldn’t resist reaching out to him. She placed her hand against his biceps.
He didn’t pull away.
Instead, he covered her hand with his own and gave a light squeeze. “From that day forward, Iason called me his brother, and made the other boys accept me. Though both my mother and father had other sons, I had never had a brother before.”
She smiled. “What happened after that?”
He flexed the muscle beneath her hand. “We decided to join forces to get what we needed. He would distract and I would steal so that if we were caught, I would be the one who suffered for it.”
Why? was on the tip of her tongue, but she bit it back. In her heart, she knew the answer already. Julian was protecting his brother.
“As time went by,” he continued, “I started noticing that his father would sneak to watch him in the village. The love and pride on his father’s face was indescribable. His mother was the same way. We were supposed to be scrounging for food on our own, and yet every other day, he’d find something one of his parents had left for him. Fresh bread, roasted lamb, a flagon of milk. Sometimes money.”
“That’s sweet.”
“Yes, it was, but every time I saw what they did for him, it cut through me. I wanted my parents to feel like that about me. I would gladly have given up my life to have my father, just once, look at me without contempt in his eyes. Or to have my mother care enough to come see me at all. The closest I could ever get to her was to visit her temple at Thymaria. I used to spend hours staring at her statue, and wondering if that was really what she looked like. Wondering if she ever gave me a passing thought.”
Grace sat up and leaned against his back, then hugged him about the waist. She rested her chin on his shoulder. “You never saw your mother as a child?”
He encircled her arms with his own, and leaned his head back against her shoulder blade. She smiled at the gesture. Even though he was tense and stressed, he was trusting her with things she knew he’d never shared with anyone else.
It made her feel incredibly close to him.
“I haven’t seen her to this day,” he said quietly. “She would send others to me, but she, herself, would never come. No matter how much I implored her, she refused to come to me. After a time, I ceased to ask. Finally, I quit going to her temples altogether.”
Grace placed a tender kiss on his shoulder. How could his mother have ignored him so? How could any mother not answer the plea of her child to come visit him?
She thought of her own parents. Of the love and kindness they had lavished on her. And for the first time, she realized her feelings about their deaths were wrong. All these years, she’d told herself that it would have been better to never have known their love than to have it taken away so cruelly.
But it wasn’t. Even though the memories of her parents and childhood were bittersweet, they comforted her.
Julian had never had the warmth of a loving embrace. The security of knowing that no matter what he did, his parents would be there for him.
She couldn’t imagine growing up the way Julian had.
“But you had Iason,” she whispered, wondering if that had been enough for him.
“I did. After my father died when I was fourteen, Iason was even kind enough to let me go home with him on furlough. It was on one of those visits that I first saw Penelope.”
Grace felt a tiny stab of jealousy at the mention of his wife’s name.
“She was so beautiful,” Julian whispered, “and promised to Iason.”
She went still at his words.
Oh, this wasn’t good.
“Even worse,” he said, lightly stroking her arm, “she was in love with him. Every time we visited, she’d be there to throw herself into his arms and kiss him. Tell him how much he meant to her. When we’d leave, she’d quietly beg him to be careful. Then, she too started leaving things for him to find.”
Julian paused as he remembered the way Iason would look when he returned to the barracks with Penelope’s gifts.
“You may marry one day, Julian,” Iason would say as he flaunted her tokens, “but you’ll never have a wife like her warming your bed.”
Though Iason didn’t say it, Julian knew all too well the reason why. No noble father would ever consent to give his daughter to a baseborn, disinherited man who had absolutely no family that would acknowledge him.
Every time Iason had uttered those words, they had cut him to pieces. There had been times when he suspected Iason salted the wound out of jealousy because of the way Penelope would let her gaze linger too long on him when she didn’t think Iason was looking. Iason may have held her heart, but like other women, Penelope had ogled Julian whenever he came near.
It was for that reason that Iason stopped asking him to visit altogether. And it had torn him apart to be banned from the only safe home he’d ever known.
“I should have let them marry,” Julian said as he cupped Grace’s head with his arm, and buried his face against her neck to inhale the sweet comfort of her scent. “I knew it even then. But I couldn’t stand it. Year after year, I would see her love him. I watched his family dote upon him, while I didn’t even have a home to go to.”
“Why?” she asked. “You said you had brothers, wouldn’t they let you stay with them?”
He shook his head. “My father’s sons hated me passionately. Their mother would have let me in, but I refused to pay the price she asked for it. I didn’t have much in those days, but I still had my dignity.”
“You have dignity now, too,” she whispered, tightening her hold on his waist. “I’ve seen enough of it to know.”
Releasing her, he looked away at her words, his jaw tense.
“What happened to Iason?” she asked, seeking to keep him talking while he was in the mood for it. “Did he die in battle?”
He laughed bitterly. “No. When we were old enough to join the army, I kept him safe on the battlefield. I’d promised Penelope and his family that I wouldn’t let anything happen to him.”
Grace felt his heart pounding fiercely against her arms.
“As the years went by, it was my name people whispered in awe and fear. My legend and victories recounted over and over again. And when I returned to Thymaria, I ended up sleeping in the streets, or in the bed of whatever woman opened her door to me for the night, just biding my time until I could return to battle.”
Tears stung her eyes at the pain she heard in his voice. How could anyone have treated him that way?
“What happened to change it?” she asked.
He sighed. “One night, while I was looking for a place to sleep, I stumbled across the two of them in a lovers’ embrace. I quickly apologized, but as I left, I overheard Iason talking to Penelope.”
His entire body went rigid in her arms as his heartbeat raced even faster.
“What did he say?” Grace prompted.
The light in his eyes faded. “Penelope asked him why I never went to my brothers’ homes. Iason laughed and said, ‘No one wants Julian. He’s the son of Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love, and not even she can stand to be near him.’”
Grace couldn’t breathe as he repeated the cruel words, and she could only imagine what he must have felt when he heard them.
Julian drew a ragged breath. “I had guarded him more times than I could count. Had taken numerous wounds in battle to protect him, including a spear straight through my side, and there he was mocking me to her. I couldn’t stand the injustice of it. I had thought we were brothers. And I guess in the end, we really were since he treated me the way the rest of my family had. I had never been anything more than a bastard stepchild. Alone and unwanted. I couldn’t understand why he had so many people to love him when I only wanted one.
“Angry and hurt by his words, I did what I’d never done before. I called out to Eros.”
Grace could easily guess what happened after that. “He made Penelope fall in love with you.”
He nodded. “He shot Iason with a lead arrow to kill his love for Penelope, and Penelope was given the golden arrow to make her love me. That was supposed to be the end of it…”
Rocking him gently in her arms, she waited for him to find his next words.
“It took two years before I finally convinced her father to let her marry a disinherited bastard without family influence. By then, my legend had grown, and I’d been promoted. I’d finally accumulated enough wealth to house her like royalty. And I spared no expense when it came to her. We had gardens, slaves, everything she wanted. I gave her freedom and latitude that no other woman of her time enjoyed.”
“It wasn’t enough?”
He shook his head. “There was still something missing and I knew she wasn’t quite right. Even before Eros interfered, she was always overly emotional. She would cling to Iason in a manner forbidden of Spartan women, and one time when he’d been wounded, she had shorn her hair completely off in grief.
“Then, after Eros shot her with his arrow, she would have long periods of great depression or rage. I did the best I could for her and I tried so hard to make her happy.”
Grace brushed his hair back as she listened.
“She told me she loved me, but I knew she didn’t care for me the way she’d cared for Iason. She gave herself willingly to me, and yet there was no real passion in her touch. I knew from the very first time I kissed her.
“I tried to tell myself that it didn’t matter. Very few men in those days had love in their marriages. Besides, I was gone for months, even years, as I led my army. But in the end, I guess I had too much of my mother in me, because I wanted more.”
Grace ached for him.
“And then the day came when Eros, too, betrayed me.”
“Betrayed you how?” she asked anxiously, knowing this was the source of his curse.
“He and Priapus were drinking the night after I killed Livius. Eros drunkenly told him what he’d done for me. As soon as Priapus heard the story, he knew how to take revenge.
“He went to the Underworld and filled a cup with water from the Pool of Memory, then gave the cup to Iason for him to drink. As soon as the water touched his lips, Iason remembered their love. Priapus told him what I’d done, then gave him more water for Penelope.”
Julian felt his lips moving, but he wasn’t conscious of the words anymore. Instead, he closed his eyes and relived that wretched day.
He’d just come in from the stables and had happened upon Penelope and Iason in the atrium. Kissing.
Stunned, he’d stopped mid-stride as a wave of trepidation washed over him while he watched the heated way they embraced.
Until Iason looked up and saw him in the doorway.
The instant their eyes met, Iason curled his lip. “You worthless thief! Priapus told me of your treachery. How could you?”
Her face contorted by hatred, Penelope rushed at Julian, then slapped him. “You filthy bastard, I could kill you for what you’ve done.”
“And I will kill you for it.” Iason unsheathed his sword.
Julian tried to push Penelope out of the way, but she refused.
“Dear gods, I bore your children,” she said, trying to claw his face.
Julian held her wrists. “Penelope, I—”
“Don’t you touch me,” she snarled, wringing her arms from his grasp. “It makes my flesh crawl. Do you honestly think any decent woman would ever want you in the light of day? You are vile. Repulsive.”
She shoved him toward Iason. “Cut his heart out. I want to bathe in his blood until I can no longer smell his touch on me.”
Iason swung his sword.
Julian jumped back, out of the blade’s arc.
Instinctively, he reached for his own sword, but stopped. The last thing he wanted was to draw Iason’s blood. “I don’t want to fight you.”
“Don’t you? You violated my woman and sired children on her that should have been mine! I welcomed you into my home. I gave you a bed when no one else would have you near them, and this is how you repay me?”
