Figuring It Out

  By Shawn Lane

  Published by JMS Books LLC

  Visit jms-books.com for more information.

  Copyright 2023 Shawn Lane

  ISBN 9781685504465

  Cover Design: Written Ink Designs | written-ink.com

  Image(s) used under a Standard Royalty-Free License.

  All rights reserved.

  WARNING: This book is not transferable. It is for your own personal use. If it is sold, shared, or given away, it is an infringement of the copyright of this work and violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

  No portion of this book may be transmitted or reproduced in any form, or by any means, without permission in writing from the publisher, with the exception of brief excerpts used for the purposes of review.

  This book is for ADULT AUDIENCES ONLY. It may contain sexually explicit scenes and graphic language which might be considered offensive by some readers. Please store your files where they cannot be accessed by minors.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are solely the product of the author’s imagination and/or are used fictitiously, though reference may be made to actual historical events or existing locations. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  Published in the United States of America.

  * * * *

  Figuring It Out

  By Shawn Lane

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Epilogue

  Chapter 1

  I’ll never forget the first time I saw Joe back in high school in our sophomore year. You know how they say it’s like being hit by a thunderbolt? It was like that.

  “Gunderson. Joseph Gunderson.”

  “Here.”

  I peered around curiously at the deep voice. Soon realized it came from the big guy sitting in the second row of Mrs. Kelly’s English Lit class. Dude was like eight feet tall. Okay, maybe a bit of an exaggeration, but over six feet for sure and built like a linebacker or something. I didn’t know a thing about football, but it seemed to me he must be built like one.

  He kept his sandy colored hair short, almost buzzed. He wore one of those jackets sports dudes wear. Letterman jackets? It was the school jacket, the Devils.

  “Jennings. Avery Jennings.”

  I rested my chin in my hand and stared at him. He was just the type of guy I found attractive, but of course also the type of guy who was inevitably straight and wanted to punch me in the face.

  “Jennings. Avery Jennings,” Mrs. Kelly said louder.

  The girl behind me poked me in the shoulder blade.

  “Oh,” I said. “Here.”

  I heard more than a few chuckles at my expense and Joe turned around to stare at me. My face flamed hotter than the worse sunburn I’d ever had. He narrowed his eyes at me, not exactly a friendly gesture, then turned back around toward the front of the class. So, that was my first introduction to Joe.

  We didn’t have anything in common. He hung out with his fellow grunting athletes and I hung out with the drama crowd. The jocks never quite knew what to make of the drama students who practiced performing for hours, belting out show tunes even when outside rehearsals, while the drama crowd thought all the athletes were dumb jocks.

  I followed Joe around campus as discreetly as I could, trying not to let him or his friends know of my gigantic crush on him. I didn’t fancy having my face rearranged for me.

  One day, however, I was surprised when as I was leaving drama class I spotted Joe leaning against a wall directly next to the path I had to take to leave campus and head home. He was alone, which was at least one good thing for me because I hated the idea he would have his friends gang up on me. I half wanted to run back into the class and ask friends to walk out with me, but part of me was also curious as to why Joe was there. I supposed he might be there for some reason other than me, of course. But I didn’t think so. Deep down in my gut, I knew he was there to see me.

  My heart beat so hard I was surprised I couldn’t see it pulsing from my chest like some cartoon character. I had slowed my pace, taking small little steps, delaying the confrontation as long as possible. Finally, when I got almost to the point where Joe leaned against the wall, he straightened and stepped into the path right in front of me.

  “Uh, hi.” I backed up a step.

  He didn’t smile. “Avery, right?”

  I had a little geeky moment where I thought, He knows my name, but I squelched it and nodded, perhaps a little reluctantly.

  Joe glanced toward the drama class. “Are you part of that school production of Cats?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You’re into that, huh?”

  “Yeah,” I said again. I really wished I could get out more than one word, but I was still unsure just what he wanted with me. I gripped my book bag tight, like that was some sort of protection if he decided to pummel me.

  He stared intently at me. He had the bluest eyes. I’d always wanted blond hair and blue eyes but damn it all I had been born with brown hair and brown eyes. Just like most of the population.

  “You gay?”

  Great, I thought. He really was here to smash my face in. But I wasn’t going to lie. I could hardly hide it anyway. I was a little on the femme side and my book bag had rainbow symbols all over it.

  “Yeah.”

  He nodded. “That’s cool.”

  I eyed him cautiously. “Is it?”

  Joe shrugged. “Sure. Listen, I wanted a favor.”

  I couldn’t imagine what he wanted from me so I said nothing. Probably he wondered if I was a moron or something. I waited for him to continue.

  “You’re a Brainiac or something, right?”

  “I don’t know about that.”

  “Sure you are. You get As, I bet.”

  It was true, I did. I’d always been good at school.

  “Anyway,” Joe continued. “I was hoping you could help me out with English Lit. I pretty much suck.”

  Ah, now it made sense. He wanted me to do his homework or some such thing. Or he’d beat the crap out of me. He wouldn’t be the first tough guy who tried to bully me into doing his schoolwork. But I never gave in.

  “I’m sure you aren’t as bad as you think,” I said. “But the truth is, I don’t do other students’ work for them. Sorry.”

  Joe did smile then and showed the most freaking adorable dimples I had ever seen. He didn’t smile nearly enough. “Avery, I’m not asking you to do my work.”

  “No?”

  “I want you to tutor me. Help me get my grade up.”

  “Oh? Oh.” I nodded. “That I can do.” And so I did.

  The rest of that semester I met with Joe twice a week after school in the library to help him with English Lit. It turned out to be beneficial to both of us because I helped him pass the class with a B and he kept his buddies from picking on the gay kid. We didn’t really spend much time getting to know each other. Joe was there strictly to learn, he didn’t seem to want to be friends, so I had to accept that.

  Oddly enough, though, the night we performed Cats I saw him in the audience. After that I saw Joe around school each semester but we never really talked. We didn’t even have any more classes together. In my senior year I started seeing another gay student named Brett. And because of that I stopped watching for Joe so I saw even less of him. Brett and I lasted the whole year and into the summer after graduation. We were each other’s first, but then Brett had decided to go to college back east and we both knew a long distance relationship wasn’t going to work.

  I had decided to go to a local state university mostly to keep costs down. I had earned scholarships and with my grades could have gone to some great schools, but my parents, who’d had me later in life, had been in ill health for years and I didn’t want to leave them to fend for themselves.

  I took a job at the local diner just a few blocks from my house and the owner was a family friend so I could pretty much work whatever hours I wanted around my school schedule. And it was to my surprise that shortly after the fall semester began, my boss, Hank, came to me one morning as I was making a fresh pot of coffee.

  “Hey, Avery, I hired another guy.”

  Hank was a short, skinny older guy who’d spent most of his life as a short order cook at the restaurant. A few years back when the previous owner had decided to retire, Hank bought the place from him.

  “Oh, yeah? Good. We can always use the help. When does he start?”

  The bell above the door jangled and Hank glanced toward it. “Right now.

  I turned to greet the new employee and was stunned into standing there with my mouth hanging open to catch flies. Joe.

  “Hey, Joe, come on back here and meet Avery,” Hank called to him.

  Dressed in jeans and a plain white T-shirt, Joe sauntered back behind the counter. His blond hair was slightly longer than the buzz cut he’d sported in high school but not by much. His lips were curved in a little smile as he shook Hank’s offered hand.

  “Hi, Hank. Actually Avery and I went to school together.”

  “Oh. Well, fine then. Avery, I’ll leave you to show Joe the ropes and I’ll get back to cooking.”

  Hank grinned at both of us and went back toward the kitchen.

  “I, uh, guess you’ll need an apron,” I said. I went below the cash register and snagged a beige apron and thrust it at Joe.

  “Thanks.” Joe put the apron on and t

hen looked at me. “How are you doing, Avery?”

  “I’m doing all right.”

  “I thought you’d be out of here at one of those fancy schools.”

  I shrugged. “Things didn’t work out that way. Going to the Cal State.”

  He smiled. “Me, too. I haven’t declared my major yet.”

  “English,” I muttered, feeling pretty awkward. I turned back to finish the coffee.

  “That’s not surprising. You’re a whiz at that stuff. You still with that Brett guy?”

  I almost sloshed coffee all over the place as I knocked into the carafe just as I pushed the brew button.

  Joe had known about me and Brett?

  Okay, well, I guessed he probably saw us at school together, but I just hadn’t thought he’d paid that much attention.

  “No. He moved back east to go to school.”

  “Oh. That’s too bad.”

  “Yeah. Well, look, you might as well follow me to that table of ladies and I’ll start your training.”

  As it turned out, Joe learned the diner fast, not that it was complicated, and most of the customers, especially the ladies, just loved him. It was the second day we worked together, this time the dinner shift, when I found out the truth about Joe. I was ringing up the last customer when a thin blond guy ran up to the door and tapped on the glass.

  “Tell him we’re closed,” I said to Joe.

  But Joe walked over to the door and opened it, smiling broadly. “Hi, babe, just finishing up. Give me a minute. Just wait in the car.”

  Babe? Wait, what? I must have been standing their catching flies again because Joe nudged me to finish with the customer.

  I handed the man back his change and turned to stare at Joe, who was wiping down the counters. “Gunderson? You’re gay?”

  He paused and looked over his shoulder at me. “Is that a problem?”

  “No. No, of course not. But, well, you’ve never said.”

  Joe shrugged. “I mostly didn’t figure it was anyone’s business. I didn’t really come out to my family or friends until senior year in high school, though.”

  “Oh.”

  “I wouldn’t think you’d have a problem with it, Avery.”

  I shook my boggled head. “I don’t. Of course not. I’m just surprised.”

  I glanced toward the door and peered into the parking lot. Besides my car and the night cook’s, there was a silver sedan. Babe’s apparently.

  “You got a boyfriend.”

  He smiled and took his apron off. “Yep. That’s Jeff. Okay if I take off?”

  I nodded. I watched Joe until he got in the car and closed the door. My stomach was twisted in knots, though, I knew I had no right to be upset. So Joe was gay and he’d never told me. It wasn’t as though we were friends. The ugly truth was I knew I wasn’t upset that Joe hadn’t told me he was gay, but that he’d obviously never been interested in me.

  Chapter 2

  It was a few months later, close to the end of the first semester, when Joe showed up to work looking like the world had ended. He didn’t say anything. Just grabbed his apron from under the register and went to take an order.

  I was working the front counter that day and when Joe came over to pour a couple of coffees, he saw me watching him.

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” he muttered.

  I nodded and continued to serve my customers, but a couple of hours into the shift, he looked like he had something to say to me.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Jeff and me. We broke up.”

  “I’m sorry, Joe.” And I was.

  He looked so sad, I couldn’t be anything but sorry they had broken up.

  “Is there anything I can do for you?” I had expected him to say no so I was surprised when instead he nodded.

  “Do you think later when our shifts are through, you’d maybe go for coffee or something? I could really use a friend.”

  “Sure, no problem.”

  I was surprised, really, because I hadn’t thought in all the time I knew Joe he thought of me as a friend. Not really. But I wouldn’t have said no, anyway.

  Since Joe had walked to work that morning, he got in my car and we made the short drive. There was a coffee place maybe half a block down the street. One of those places that have baristas and serve fancy coffee drinks.

  I ordered an Iced Mocha Latte and Joe ordered just a regular coffee, which I noticed he drank with only one sugar, no cream.

  I waited for my cue from him because I didn’t feel like I could just blurt out, “So, what happened?” I inserted my straw in my drink and took a few sips.

  “I never saw it coming,” Joe finally said after what seemed an eternity.

  “What exactly?”

  “His breaking up with me. We’d gotten an apartment together just about a month ago.”

  “Sucks.” I bit my lip after saying that, thinking that sounded kind of lame and unsympathetic.

  Joe nodded. “It does.”

  “Was…was there someone else?”

  “He said no.” Joe played with the empty sugar packet in front of him. “He said he just decided he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship like he thought he was. It was too hard.

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah. You ever hear from Brett?”

  “Nah. We said our goodbyes when he left. I don’t know what he’s doing. It’s hard to be just friends, you know, after you were more.”

  Joe lapsed into silence again and I thought maybe he’d stay that way, when he said, “How come you didn’t go with him? To college back there?”

  It was funny, really, because we’d never had very personal conversations, and him asking me that, well it seemed personal. I guessed maybe Joe really did want to be friends.

  “My parents mostly,” I said. “I’m their only kid and they had me when they were both in their forties. Dad has diabetes and Mom has had breast cancer. It’s in remission, but I don’t really want to be that far from them.”

  Joe smiled a little, his dimples just making an appearance. “You’re sweet.”

  I felt myself blush and took a large sip of my coffee, shaking my head.

  “Yes, you are,” he insisted. “That sucks about being an only child, though. I have five brothers and three sisters.”

  “Damn.”

  He laughed. “Yeah, it’s nuts. All of us trying to share a couple bathrooms. That’s why I couldn’t wait to get my own place.”

  After a moment, he said, “What are you going to do with an English degree?”

  “Probably become a teacher.”

  “A teacher, huh? I could see that.”

  “Yeah, we’ll see. You think you can still afford it now that Jeff is gone?”

  I didn’t want to bring something painful up again but I still felt like I had to ask.

  “Yeah, I think so. Sure going to try anyway. You want to come over and see the place?”

  I tried not to show my surprise, but really I could have been knocked over with a feather when he suggested I come to his apartment.

  “Sure, that would be nice. When?”

  Joe shrugged. “How about now? You can take your coffee with you.”

  “I’ve had enough of it anyway,” I said, tossing it in the trash as we left.

  And so we headed up the street a few more blocks, and off a side street to the apartment complex where Joe lived. It was one that housed a lot of college students, not too expensive but decent. His place was on the second floor of the third building.

  “It’s just a one bedroom,” Joe explained, turning the key in the lock and letting us inside. He started snatching things off the floor as soon as we reached the living room. A hoodie sweatshirt, a pair of boxers.

  “I’m not much of a cleaner.”

  “No worries.”

  “Want some iced tea or something?”

  “Sure.”

  I looked around at the fairly typical one bedroom apartment. It looked like a place two guys lived in. Two straight guys actually. Though I knew that wasn’t the case. But there were sports magazines lying around as well as a few beer cans. I almost expected to see a Playboy.

  “Have a seat on the couch, Avery,” Joe called from the kitchen.

  So I sat and waited for him. I still didn’t know exactly why I was here except I guessed Joe didn’t want to be alone. When he returned he set the two iced teas on the coffee table and sat next to me on the couch. Really close. I could claim I didn’t know what I was doing just then, but the truth was much murkier.

 

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