One of Us Is Gone, page 18
It looked as if he was holding back from physical contact, some form of comfort. He may need to be the one to make an appointment with the grief counselor.
I glance at him longer than I should, even after we’ve entered the bleachers. I watch him from the stairs as he repeats the same script to others.
His pain is familiar to me, like a neighbor or an old friend that wants to reconcile.
“Watch your step,” Katie says.
We take our seats.
My instincts are to scan the first two rows of freshmen to find the others, but I don’t. It takes more effort than not to keep my eyes trained on the front, on the podium set up for the dean.
“Testing, testing,” Dean Kora says into the microphone as students fill the seats.
We’re about to begin.
Dean Kora leans over the podium and speaks to a man who resembles the detective who interviewed me when Sarah first went missing. It could be anyone, as all I can identify are the colors he’s wearing. No distinct facial features register in my head.
“That should be the rest of us,” the dean says too close to the mic. Her voice distorts in odd ways before she speaks from a comfortable distance. “We’ve gathered here today to remember a fallen student, Sarah Shaw. She has passed away, as many of you may know. We are not prepared to reveal her cause of death at this time.” Dean Kora takes a breath as students break out into chatter. “The university has taken on more support staffing, and Sarah’s family has a fundraiser set up online, which will be featured in the next issue of the school’s newsletter if you wish to contribute. We ask that you always remain vigilant, and we would like to remind you all that there is no safer place than here. At Kensington University, we’ll continue to be one of the top performing and safest universities of Georgia.”
The only reason I’ve dragged myself here is to find out more about Sarah’s death, and it turns out even that’s a bust. I grind my teeth and hold myself together, my hands clasping onto one another, wedged between my knees.
Katie can’t see me fidgeting with my rubber band; it’ll raise too many questions I’d rather not answer.
“Please, all of Kensington University, join me in bowing our heads in a moment of silence.”
fifty-eight
Sarah—3 Days Before
I need to have my affairs in order.
Last night, I had this great idea that I should remove myself from all equations. The people I love will remain safe from me and this plan only leaves one of three people miserable. I’m dropping out of Kensington and running away. I’ve always wanted to go to Texas.
Before, I would’ve ignored our problems for the sake of happiness and being stress-free, but doing so would push me deeper into the pit I’ve been trying to free myself from. This’ll be the most thoughtful thing I’ve ever done in my life.
I’ll be leaving in a few days. This weekend. I’d like to wrap up the relationships I’ve cultivated.
The only selfish part of my plan is that I want to leave with a glimpse of how everyone’s life will be when I’m gone. To see everyone happy one last time and freeze them like that—a mental picture. Any time I miss anyone, all I’ll have to do is close my eyes and swipe through the gallery.
Amanda hasn’t been back to the dorm in a few days. I’m convinced she’s avoiding being here until they find somewhere else to put her. I’m sure if she saw the state of our room right now, she’d kill me.
My search for finding something to represent my contentment proves I’m not as cheerful as I pretend to be. That crushing sadness that flooded in when it hit me was enough for my scream to take down cities. I’m surprised I did nothing reckless.
Unfortunately, it’s a Sarah staple to be unpredictable and out of control, and it isn’t appealing any longer.
Aris is first on the long list of those that have gotten caught on my web. I pray he tries nothing slick, but I genuinely don’t believe he was himself that night. As I’ve speculated before, Gino had to have been behind it. I knock on Aris’s door with my eyes closed, and then what happened last time flashes before me. I need to stay observant.
“I’m not open,” Aris says through the door, not bothering to open it.
“Yo, it’s Sarah,” I say, hoping the sound of my name won’t drive him into hysteria. I brace myself; my stance is rock solid. There’s a vague silence on the other end that makes me tap my foot in anticipation.
“Sarah? What do you want?”
The door remains shut. I take a deep breath, not sure how to say this. I never knew I’d have such a hard time being apologetic. No wonder I’ve avoided it for so long.
“I’d like to say sorry for anything I may’ve done to hurt you,” I get closer to the door so he can hear me better, or so those in passing couldn’t. It’s quieter as I listen in through the cheap wood. I almost cup my hands and stick my ear to it, but his door is so beat up it could splinter my flesh.
After about a minute, all I hear is a warped “Bitch,”
This isn’t surprising. He can feel that way. He won’t be the person I’ll miss anyhow. My urge is to kick his door, but that would be the Sarah who makes a mess of anything she touches, plus I don’t have an army. What’s stopping him from coming out and finishing what he started? No thanks, I’ll take the bitch in stride all the way back to my dorm.
My phone buzzes a few times in my pocket during my fifteen-foot walk back. I peer back in disdain, offended. If the rest of my apologies go like that, I’ll never leave.
Once I’m inside, I check on what the commotion is all about. A few notifications from social media, still buzzing from when Aubrey exposed me to the entire school. The next few notifications are from my email.
The dean has asked to meet with me, and soon.
I scratch my head as to what this could be about. If this is about what happened to Gino, I’m prepared to take the blame for Cleo. No question about it. But with this comes my exit from this university not going according to plan.
I leave immediately and head to the main building. I’m no stranger to trouble, but how my heart flutters with every breath I take terrifies me. Endless possibilities, even those that aren’t plausible, run through my mind in an instant, warning me off like a bedtime story frightening a child.
My entrance induces more fear, even as I check in at the front desk and advise the woman of my situation. She’s slicked her dark brown hair back into a low bun, her glasses low on her nose. The woman walks me up, her arms closed to her side to not take up too much space, dragging her feet. She’s fatigued and timid, all at once. I thank her before entering the dean’s office.
“Miss Shaw, thank you for meeting me on such short notice,” she stands and extends her hand to the chair in front of her desk.
I give a nod in agreement and settle into a seat.
“I know this isn’t ideal, but something has recently caught my attention that I cannot stand for.”
The receptionist pages. The raucous buzz makes me flinch. Dean Kora presses a button on something that looks like an old phone and asks her to hold all calls.
I squirm in my seat, waiting for her to expel me.
“Sorry about that. It’s come to my attention that you are a victim of cyberbullying, and not in how we’re all familiar with. Are you aware that a picture of your… area…”—she gestures with her hand, circling around her chest—“… is going around campus faster than gossip? We would like to know who is behind this, so that we may assist you in the best way we can.”
On any other day, I would’ve jumped at the opportunity to throw Aubrey under the bus. But there’s no gauging how much trouble she’s in, and Max is so happy right now. “I’m not sure. I wish I could help, but I don’t know where it came from, or if those are truly my boobs—chest. Sorry.”
Dean Kora’s death stare tells me I’m not fooling her, “I’m not asking if this picture is of you or not. Who spread it?”
I shrug, causing the dean to sigh.
“I didn’t want to get the police involved, but this is a serious offense. They’ll find where the image originated and proceed in the way they see fit.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. None of this should lead to Max. I don’t know how in love he is, but he can’t take the blame for her. He’s worked too hard to get here. I’ve taken someone I love down with me, and this time I’ve made all the right choices, said all the right things. I’ll keep my mouth shut and hope that the police will believe Max when he says that he didn’t send them.
fifty-nine
Cleo—Present
“Can you believe the vigil served no purpose?” I ask, complaining to Katie on our walk home.
The vigil lasted about fifty minutes. The last part of it became a seminar on campus safety. It gets me wondering about what they’re trying to protect us from. Not to mention, whatever happened to Sarah couldn’t have been good since the detective filtered the dean stronger than a cup of coffee.
“What was it supposed to do?” Katie shivers beside me, her voice interrupted by the chattering of her teeth. She can’t say I didn’t warn her.
“It doesn’t matter now. Forget about it,” I stop to kick the air before catching up with her.
After getting back to Carriage, I pat around for my badge, a thing I always seem to lose, and Sarah always found. If I lose it this time, it’s dumb luck if someone else cares enough to pick it up and find me. I touch something metal in my sweatshirt pocket and can exhale the breath I’ve been holding.
We swipe them and take the elevator up.
“Did you ever speak to Amanda? Well, I guess it doesn’t matter anymore,” Katie mentions as the elevator doors shut us inside.
“No, I haven’t. The investigation is over. We found her,” I shrug away the emotion that looms over me when I think about something that brought Milton and me together during an uncertain time. I recall many instances when looking for Sarah only drove a wedge between us, but I wouldn’t have been by anyone else’s side.
Katie shoves her blue hands into her pockets as far as she can, “I’ll be out like a light. Please Cleo, no alarms and late-night typing tonight? I’m so tired.”
I’d say that the Katie I’ve gotten to know is back, but she’s polite this time. I grin, agreeing with a salute, “Your wish is my burden.”
Our eyes meet. She jerks her head back as her hands slap her cheeks sarcastically in reaction to my wisecrack. I thought it was quite funny, but Katie didn’t. The elevator doors push apart to release us, and she leaves without even a chuckle.
I follow close behind her, wondering how I’ll get any assignment done tonight, and remain quiet as a mouse. I used to have a good time management system, but now everything has gone downhill.
When we get inside, Katie crawls into her bed, her frozen bones cracking with every forbidden move.
I sit at my desk and a blanket folded in the corner catches my attention. This is one of two blankets we used to lay in the campus garden. As soon as I brush my fingers along the threading, I get the idea to go out there alone. This way, if I bring my laptop, I could get some work done without disturbing Katie.
I’ve never gone out there alone, but maybe I won’t notice if my work distracts me enough.
I grab only one of my textbooks. In case I’m caught by campus security, I don’t want to haul too much back. With what happened to Sarah and what Dean Kora said at the vigil, I don’t doubt they’ll be increasing security. ‘We’ll continue to be one of the top performing and safest universities of Georgia.’
Though, our ranking isn’t extremely high.
Once I’m outside, past the front desk with no one manning it, I rush to that side of campus. It isn’t far, but with my laptop and book adding weight, it’s miles away. I spread out the blanket, staying silent though no one is around. The annoying sound of crickets in the night fills my ears. I’m hoping it won’t be too disruptive.
A wave of sadness rushes through me when I sit down. I glance up at the stars as we always did and my never-ending solitude settles. Even worse, it’s no different from when they were next to me.
I’m alone, with or without them.
A notable difference is that it didn’t appear that way from the outside. I didn’t look like a loser or someone with no friends; dare I say I was cool by association, and over the years, that became enough for me.
Without Sarah to guide me through normality, I’m lost. I hated her for so long for taking everything good away from me, but she didn’t. Everything she had, I gave to her, because she always had a better idea of what to do with it than I did. I’ve hidden behind her and her decisions because I didn’t trust myself, an ability I lost after camp.
A tear falls from my face and soaks into the material of my sweatshirt. Sarah was the train wreck of the group, but she was the only one brave enough to act. Remembering her now, she was a lot less neurotic than I labeled her. She took risks, chances, even if people called her crazy. Sarah was courageous for both of us.
The last time I did anything daring was when I went back to Gino’s dorm. It was amazing to be bold again, to be Sarah.
I want to return to this, despite the consequences. Of course, nothing as destructive as what I have or haven’t done to Gino. But something that develops goodness into the world, something that’ll change the way people view Sarah’s type of audacity.
I take a deep breath, shut my eyes, and filter the noise of the crickets to listen to something deeper, my heart. Not only does it beat, but it leads me to the right thing to do, to kick-start rectification.
There’s one more operation to work out. I’m not as good as Milton is at naming the operations, but how about Operation Justice for Sarah? Not as discreet, but that doesn’t matter since this will be a one-man job. I’ll put her memory to rest by finding out what happened to her, and who is responsible, once and for all.
sixty
Sarah—2 Days Before
I can’t let the hypothetical ruin the only good thing I’ve ever done. Max won’t go down for this. No one will.
As a diversion, I’m focused on the last text Mika sent me. She’s next. I don’t believe I’ve done much to hurt Mika, but she could feel different. And that’s why I’m here, doing this, to air out any bad vibes or anything she holds against me and start anew.
I wait for Mika to show up at the frozen yogurt shop, looking up from my phone now and then to peek at Ben. Even the way I think about Ben has morphed into something unfamiliar. Not that long ago I wanted him to be my fresh start. My clean slate. But now that I watch him spill ice cream on his apron and joke around with the shop manager, he’s still nice to look at, but Milton’s face keeps overriding my thoughts. I’ve resisted the idea of Milton for so long, and now that I’m leaving, the urge to stay with him is stronger than ever.
The notion of this makes me sick, like I’m betraying a vital part of myself with these restricted theories. I was so good at avoiding it, back when Gino distracted me from a lot.
The only thing I had to worry about a few weeks ago was letting loose, having fun, and ignoring the effect of my actions for the sake of not being too serious. It’s insane to imagine how fast events and circumstances can change a person.
“Sarah,” I hear a struggling voice from behind me, which makes me turn.
I smile when I see Mika opening the door and pulling her backpack over her shoulder simultaneously. I almost get up to help her, but she makes it inside in one piece.
“Hey! Thanks for meeting me,” I lower my voice, not wanting Ben to overhear much of anything. Eventually, I’ll get used to this whole apologizing thing, but for right now, it’s difficult.
“I know what’s wrong, dude,” she says, wincing.
“You do?”
“You think I didn’t take up for you when Aubrey sent those pictures to the entire school? I pretended it didn’t happen. No one should ever have to go through that, and I’m sorry. But I don’t want to be caught in the middle of you two,” Mika is long-winded and goes on about nothing.
“Girl, stop! It’s not about that. I’m sorry if I ever put you in a position that made it seem like you needed to choose,” I clear my throat as my apology morphs into a deeper whisper.
Mika misses half of what I said because her mouth pops open in disbelief, “You… are sorry?”
“Fo sho’,” I say with a big grin. I want her to mirror it so I can blink and take a mental picture, remembering her smiling wide in a frozen yogurt shop, Ben photo-bombing in the background.
“Well, okay. Thanks. Do you have the twenty you owe me? I want some frozen yogurt,” she sits up straight enough to get a view of my empty pockets.
I shake my head, but keep the smirk plastered on my face.
“It was worth a shot,” she shrugs.
“The dean actually pulled me aside to track down whoever spread the photo,” I say.
“Really? Did you give her any names?” Mika asks, scooting closer to me.
I shake my head in response. I observe a tall figure approaching from behind Mika. Ben is coming over. My attention is on him before he stops at our table, causing Mika’s brows to crease as she figures out what I’m reacting to.
Her eyes land on Ben, and she visibly disarms.
“May I help you girls with anything?” he asks.
I bite my lip and hold back all the sly comments I’d rather not have purge from my mouth.
“If you have any frozen yogurt on the house?” Mika jokes, trying to get a taste of anything in any way she can. She’s loud, or it seems that way since we’re the only two crazies at a frozen yogurt place in the chill of fall.
It’s warmer with the sun out. You’d think it’s not later than July. Personally, I think this place should be open all winter long. But the reality is they’ll close their doors soon, and Ben will be out of a job.
“We’ve got a few samples. I’ll get you a few,” Ben winks.
