One of Us Is Gone, page 16
“You’re right, not the best time, I get it. Plus, I don’t think Amanda killed anybody. I was only pointing you in Sarah’s direction that night, or who she could’ve been with.”
“Please, Katie,” I shut my eyes, but my teeth don’t release the hold on my lip. All I want is peace, for the cacophony to end.
Katie freezes but continues, “I’m um… about to go. I’ll be at the vigil when they decide. I understand that this breaks you, but you should go. It’ll be good for you.”
I dip my head in agreement, urging her to leave.
Sure enough, Katie sighs, grabs her backpack, and scrambles toward the exit.
It’s half-past nine, and I let out a deep breath. Milton is out of practice, but there’s no point in me leaving now. It’s too dark and apparently, there’s a killer on the loose…
Boom!
The wood-fracturing sound scares me from beneath my covers, originating from my dorm door. It’s like someone kicked the door with all their strength.
“Hello?” I ask from the bed, anticipating that was an accident by a clumsy student.
A wave of embarrassment washes over me, but still, I stand and take a few steps towards the door. I feel foolish entertaining it. No one wants to see me.
As soon as I reach for the doorknob, it sounds again.
Boom!
I recoil at the door protruding this time as if it would hurl open. In the silence between blasts, the wood cracks a bit. This time, I don’t wait for it to happen again. I grab the knob, twist, exhale, and swing the door open.
“Mellow,” I say, groping my chest in exasperation.
“Sorry, my hands were full.”
He’s carrying a shoe box in one hand, and his duffle bag of sporting gear in the other, “I wanted to give you this, but I need to talk to you.”
Milton ignores the fact that I stood him up, but I never agreed to meet with him to begin with.
I clear the threshold so he could fit through, and free him of the shoe box once he enters. I take it over to my bed, afraid to sleuth through the contents until it’s explained to me.
Milton catches his breath before taking a seat. “That’s a box full of everything Sarah ever gave me.”
“What? Why?” I’m confused, offended even. Milton isn’t stupid. He must know I’m attracted to him. Why would he ever think it’s a good idea to bring me a box full of his dead ex-girlfriend’s mementos? Even if she was my best friend, this box feels wrong.
I place it beside me.
“I figure you need it more than I do. To remind you of her. I can’t have that stuff. I can’t remember.” Milton shakes his head, avoiding eye contact with the box.
Is this the way I’d want to remember Sarah? All romantic with the one person I’ve ever loved, “I’ll… thank you,” I say instead. “Are you okay?”
“I will be,”
“The investigation doesn’t have to be over. We could find her killer,” this is the only way I can think of to get out of my slump. If I’m distracted by something else, I can’t focus on the gaping hole Sarah tore in us all.
“That’s what I came to speak to you about. Remember that conversation we had about not forcing Sarah’s phrase to be a way of life?”
My stomach spurs as I pretend not to remember, “Bits and pieces.”
“Well, I want out. I need a fresh start… you do, too.” Milton is speaking fast, grasping at straws, desperate to make it sound like he’s doing this for me. “I’ll always have your back, but after everything that happened in the last few weeks, the things I’ve learned… I just need to be alone for once.”
I wonder if he’s referring to the things he’s learned about Sarah or about me. What I may or may not have done to Gino, or him not trusting me enough to believe that I had nothing to do with what happened to Sarah. Or a combination of it all.
“You’re taking the out?” I wrap my mind around it. “I was only trying to create a less toxic friendship, one where you don’t gotta be by my side for the sake of being there. One where you’re beside me because you believe in me because you love me.” My eyes water as I realize that everything I’ve listed must not be there for him.
“There’s a lot going on right now. When the smoke dies down, and our lives return to some new normal, I’m sure we’ll find each other again.” Milton pushes the knife further into my back.
I can’t speak because if I do, I’ll cry. I’ve lost both best friends in a matter of weeks. Turns out, forever isn’t as long as I thought.
fifty-two
Sarah—5 Days Before
While walking with Max through campus, I see a text from Cleo pop up on my phone, the sound of birds chirping around us as I read.
You should know what I’ve done.
That’s exactly what I want. She isn’t good at convincing others nothing is wrong. Something significant must be pushing her to talk about it now.
“Max, I want to go to the game this weekend, but I’m strapped for cash,” I say, continuing our conversation as if it’s the only thing on my mind. Cleo could learn from me.
“I’ll let you know what I’m able to do,” he takes a bite of his sandwich, not waiting until we get back to Carriage for him to sit and eat.
“You’re the man! What’s that thing made of, anyway? Meat and raw eggs?”
“It’s just a ham sandwich,” Max says, snickering with his mouth wide open, his food exposed.
I gag, “Oh, my god.”
I turn my head to avoid staring into the never-ending abyss Max calls a mouth. I almost feel sorry for the sandwich, “How are things going with Queen Aubrey?”
“I think they’re good. She hates that we’re this close, though. The picture didn’t help at all, it only created more distrust.” Max takes the last of his sandwich and licks… crumbs from his fingers?
“Sounds like a dumpster fire… this early? I say jump ship as fast as you can.”
I’m joking, of course, but there’s a part of me that means it. I have socks older than their relationship. Starting out with trouble doesn’t sound like the best ending, but what do I know?
“We’re working through it.”
“So, have you ever dated anyone within your own race? Seems like you’re really into black girls,” I keep the discussion going because we’re approaching Carriage. I need a few more minutes with Max’s good energy before I go inside to doom and gloom.
“What is this, twenty questions? I’m not answering that, Sarah.” Max shows teeth, but I don’t think it was to smile.
“Your lack of an answer was all I needed,” I say, teasing.
Max slows down to walk behind me and covers my mouth with his hand. When he removes it, my face itches as if he left crumbs behind.
“That was the most disgusting—”
We walk a few more feet until we reach my drop-off point. Max puts his finger to his lips, shushes me loud enough to wake anyone sleeping at this hour, and kisses me on the forehead.
“Oh, don’t be dramatic, rockstar,” Max shrieks in laughter before watching me inside and taking off in the other direction.
Are you in your dorm? I text Cleo.
I’ve never had the mental capacity to memorize her schedule. The only classes that stick are the ones we have together.
She responds immediately, as if she were waiting for me to message her.
Yes! Come up. Why did Max have his hands in your mouth?
You shouldn’t spy on your friends, Blaze.
I shove my phone deep into my pocket as I bound up the stairs to the fifth floor. The stairs are safer for me when I’m alone. There’s still this lingering fear that I’ll run into Aris. If no one is around when I do, I don’t know if I’ll be so lucky next time.
By the time I top the fifth flight of stairs, my breath is gone. I thought I’d be used to it by now, but running a marathon every day wouldn’t prepare me for five flights of stairs.
Once I can breathe without pain in my lungs, I advance into the hall and open Cleo’s door without knocking. The roommate girl is sitting on her bed, legs crossed. She jumps when I open the door. Cleo must not have mentioned I’d be stopping by.
“Yoooo, Blaze.”
I attempt to increase the energy in the room, including flashing a smile at the snarling roommate.
“Hey, could we go somewhere a little more…” Cleo doesn’t say ‘private’ as to not exclude the third party, but again, it’s obvious.
I agree, waving the other girl goodbye before backing out of the room.
“Where should we go?” I ask, noticing how disoriented she is today. It’s hard not to pity the state she’s in right now, as she hates that as much as I do. While she decides, I fix her hair in the hall. “We could go back to my dorm, and I could help with this,” I say.
Cleo steps back. “Wow, I didn’t think I needed any help, but okay? Is your roommate there?” she asks on our way to the elevator.
“She’s never there.”
We enter, and I press the button for my floor.
“What did you need to talk about? You made it sound so urgent and top secret.”
“I’ll explain later, please just not out here.”
I zip my lips with a hand gesture and wait until we’re inside before speaking again. “What is it?” I grab a spray bottle of water for Cleo’s hair. Some of her curls are dry, and falling out of place, nothing a little moisture and product can’t fix.
“The whole Gino situation,” she says as I start on her hair.
I roll my eyes. We always come back to Gino. Will there ever be a day when I don’t have to hear his name?
“After we left and got into that whole spat, I went back to blow off some steam.”
I don’t say a word, my stomach in knots as I wait to see where she’s headed with this.
“At first, it was a bunch of verbal warnings for him to leave us alone…and empty threats about if he ever told…”
I move Cleo’s head to the side to get the rest of her hair soaked in water.
“Then I left with aches. A certain pain that I don’t remember being there before. I did something bad to him.”
“How would you forget?” I’m not convinced just yet. It will take a lot more for me to believe I’ve gotten Cleo over to the dark side, a fact I’m not too proud of.
“I don’t know, it happens. When I get so outraged that I just freak out. Like the reason I went off to camp. I didn’t remember why until recently.” Cleo’s voice is small, but everything coming out of it is the complete opposite. It’s almost as if she’s trying to manipulate my opinion with her tone.
“This is all my fault,” I say.
I finish Cleo’s finger coils and exhale a sigh of despair. Cleo wouldn’t have been in both situations if it weren’t for me. It’s like I’m responsible for every downfall she takes.
The darkest thought of them all comes to mind. She would be better off without me. They all would. Each mishap always leads back to my apprehensions.
“You’re okay, Blaze, don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it.”
fifty-three
Cleo—Present
With Sarah dead, the grief counseling that Professor Finch suggested sounds more appealing every day. Over the last few days, I’ve been anxious, like I was being watched at every moment, checking over my shoulder with each turn. It’s driven me to switch the rubber band to my other wrist when the one bled.
Fear that the detective would return here was also at the root of the paranoia. I almost wished he would’ve. His arrival would answer the question we all have. Did she die on campus, and is someone else responsible for what happened? I take the detective’s absence as an answer. Something happened to her off campus.
I had two professors who were absent today. Without a lecture, I head to the library, the science building being the closest to it. As much as I’m ready for my entire college career to be flushed down the drain, this is the one thing I can’t let go of. Not after losing everything and everyone else.
To my disappointment, Mika sits at my go-to spot when I walk in. A heavy sigh leaves my lips as I pivot.
“Cleo, wait,” Mika says, whispering as loud as possible, but still gets told to be quiet.
I tug my jacket to cover my wrists and then turn to face her. She uses a flimsy hand to beckon me over, as if she’s swimming but on dry land, vertically.
“It’s okay. I don’t own the table. I’ll find somewhere else to sit.” Who knows what Milton has told her? His faithfulness is questionable. He said he would be a support for me, but if he can be so callous to leave me when I need him the most, I can’t be sure he will be. The most loathsome part, after he informed me he wanted nothing to do with me, is I still love him.
“Don’t be silly, I came here for you. We’re overdue for a chat,” Mika is in a great mood today, smiling ear-to-ear. Her box braids look brand new, but I know they aren’t. She went a few days without her token black lipstick, but not anymore. Mika is back better than ever.
“Okay,” My voice is hoarse. I’ve said little of anything for the past few days.
“Okay… Aubrey told me your side of things, that you went to Gino’s with Sarah, and she went all crazy on him. I haven’t shared that theory with Gino, but I don’t think I will. I think it’s time to put it all behind us now that one of us is gone,” Mika says.
It’s the only thing I’ve been wanting to hear for the last week. The problem is, now that I know Sarah is dead, fitting into this group is trivial. To be frank, I want nothing to do with any of them. Especially since we don’t know how Sarah died.
“That’s big of you,” I fake a smile and unpack my textbooks from my backpack.
Mika watches as I do, as if she’s expecting something more.
“We’re all going to go bowling this weekend. You’re invited, but Gino will be there,” Mika scoots closer to me and the pressure of her literally breathing down my neck gets under my skin.
“Will Milton be there?” I’d hate to not only run into him, but to find out he’s still hanging out with the rest of the group. It confirms that the drama he wanted to get away from was me.
Mika checks her phone before replying, “Yeah, he’ll be there.”
“In that case, no thank you,” I say. The easiest decision I’ve ever made.
“Sorry, I guess I should’ve mentioned that the bowling tournament is to raise money for Sarah’s family during this tough time.”
How could Mika leave out this very prominent detail? Milton and I should’ve been the two organizing something like this for Sarah. Maybe Milton is more involved than it sounds, and he planned it with the rest of the group helping to pull it off. The thought of this brings a salty taste to my mouth and I make a face in response to it.
“Are you alright?” Mika says, panicking too close for comfort.
Her smile is hollow when I study her. There’s no one behind it somehow, no intent.
“As rain,” I say to reassure her before cracking open my laptop to work, “I’ll think about it. Thank you for inviting me.” There’s nothing I’d rather evade more than going bowling with them. But what kind of best friend would I be if I didn’t go?
Sarah’s death has fueled everything Mika has mentioned today. It’s the reasoning behind bowling, and behind her wanting to put the Gino thing behind us.
“But since we didn’t know that Sarah was dead a few days ago, this couldn’t have been the talk we were gonna have.”
“It is now,” her smirk fades for half a second before returning.
To avoid disturbing myself more, I stop peering at her. I refocus my attention on my studies. If she wants to stay, she’s welcome to watch, but I can’t fixate on anything else. I’ll fall apart if I don’t direct my energy toward something that doesn’t involve my dead friend.
I wanted answers before, and now I have them. This isn’t the closure I had in mind when I began sleuthing around with Milton. Back then, closure seemed peaceful. It was acceptance. Now it’s only a word, a figment of imagination. Nothing is truly ever settled.
“You shouldn’t go through this alone, you know,” Mika puts her hand over my wrist, and I tense, the scene from my rubber band right underneath the fiber of my jacket. I withdraw my arm and sit it in my lap.
“Thank you, but I’ll go through this however feels right,” I don’t know which way that is, but it’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m alone, sure, but it’s not my fault that my people dumped me to fend for myself.
“Just think about coming. It would be good for you,” Mika reaches out to pat me on the shoulder as she stands, but then stops before making contact. She must have observed my discomfort at how close she’s been to my face.
I stare straight ahead, blinking away tears until I know she’s gone.
fifty-four
Sarah—4 Days Before
“I already know what you’re gonna say, Mellow,” I take a bite of the granola bar Milton brought on our walk.
About forty feet to our left, Max and Aubrey are all over each other. They sit beneath a widespread tree, her head in his lap as he caresses her forehead. I want nothing more than to join them, but this could be a situation that Max would describe as too much.
“You know you wanna, I can see it,” Milton laughs, observing me.
He’s teasing me, and it puts a bit of a damper on my mood because I know that deep down, he’s reacting out of jealousy.
“It’s not a me thing. We can both join them,” I halt, considering my suggestion.
“You can always talk yourself into even the worst of plans and make it sound like a good idea, but I’m out. The only way I’ll go over there is as one big second wheel, not a third and forth.”
When I bring my attention back to Milton, he gestures between us with his pointer finger, one eyebrow raised.
“As a couple? No way.”
This gives me an incentive to speed away without squinting back at Max. He’s happy, and that’s why I should stay away. If I gave into my desires, he would’ve been excited to see me for about five seconds before his face would fall, realizing how unenthused his girlfriend would be.
