Dear Bartleby, page 25
Mr. Voss let out a long breath. “My apologies, my lord. And…and my apologies, Mr. Hartford.” The apology was stilted and did not sound entirely genuine, but I nodded anyway. “Congratulations, Ayles. You do deserve it, disappointed though I may be. However, with all due respect, I shall take my leave of the dukex’s house.”
He turned to leave, but Laurence stayed him with a hand on his arm. “The deal is still on, Voss. As we all agreed. Your goals are mine.”
I didn’t know what he was talking about but Mr. Voss must have for he pressed his lips together and gave a curt nod. “Thank you, Ayles.” Then he pushed past us and strode away.
Mrs. Fossett watched him go and then she gave Laurence a hug. “You do deserve it,” she said. “I’m so proud of you. I know you’ll do grand things.” To my surprise, she gave me a peck on the cheek before she too left, telling Bertie she could take a hansom to her cousin’s place.
Laurence looked sad at her departure. I cupped his cheek and he put a hand over my wrist. “I’m so glad I got it, Sebastian,” he said. “But I wish the other two could have gotten it as well.”
I frowned. “But it’s just the one position, isn’t it?”
“Unfortunately.”
Bertie’s carriage was brought around and we all got in.
“I’m sorry the good news is mixed with such reactions, m’dear,” Bertie said.
Laurence gave a small smile. “Thank you, my lord. I can understand his disappointment. I would have preferred it if he’d taken it out on me rather than Sebastian.”
“Or on me,” Bertie said. He looked at me. “Are you all right, my sweet?”
“Yes, thank you,” I said. “You were right, by the way. His Highness did offer me a job.”
“Did he really?” Laurence said.
“I turned him down,” I said quickly. “I didn’t think living in London would make either of us happy. I…I hope that was all right.”
He gave me a soft kiss. “Of course it was, angel. You have very good instincts.”
“He’s right, m’dear,” Bertie said. “I imagine the two of you will accomplish great things.”
I wasn’t sure I agreed with that. After all, Laurence is the one destined for greatness, isn’t he? But I thought about how the Prince Regent wanted to hire me and had even advised me to work for Laurence eventually. Why is that when I finally feel as if I know what my future holds, everyone starts offering different options? There are too many decisions to make and I’m not sure I like it.
I leaned my head on Laurence’s head. “I already have a job,” I murmured. “That’s enough for me.”
Laurence squeezed my knee. “Well, there’s plenty of time for us to figure it all out.”
When we arrived at the dukex’s home, they led us to a sitting room toward the back of the house and rang for tea. “Mr. Voss is packing his things to leave,” they explained. “There’s no need for us to make him uncomfortable during his departure.” Then they congratulated Laurence and told him he’d do a fine job. “When do you start?”
“In a fortnight. Sir James is giving me time to go home and pack. Then I’m to come back here for a few months.”
“You’re welcome to stay here for that time, if you’d like, child. As you can see, I have plenty of room, and I’d love to have you.”
“Thank you, Your Grace.”
“Of course, if you’d like your own place, I can understand that as well.” The dukex, Bertie, and Laurence discussed possibilities for neighborhoods he might look into for renting when he returned to London.
A footman walked in and gave the dukex a nod.
“It would seem our third guest has taken his leave.”
“Thank you,” Laurence said. “I’d better go upstairs and write to my parents.”
Bertie left as well, with the promise to return for dinner.
“How are you doing, poppet?” the duke said.
“Exhausted,” I said. “It was a rather exciting morning. I didn’t expect to…to be such an active part of it.”
I told them all about meeting the Prince Regent and the Royal Spellcaster, and how I’d been offered a position and turned it down.
“That was probably for the best,” they said. “I do not think you’d have been happy in that position. And if there are ever disagreements between the crown and the Royal Spellcaster, you would have been put in the middle of the debate, which would not have been comfortable for you.”
“I didn’t even think of that,” I said.
“I’ll wager the Prince Regent did, and that was likely part of the reason he wanted you,” they said. “He’s no fool, much as the papers like to describe him as such. Yes, he’s vain and a spendthrift. But he’s cannier than most realize.”
I considered this, feeling relieved that the dukex supported my decision. I’d been afraid they would tell me it was foolish or irresponsible.
“You look tired, child,” they said after a long moment. “Why don’t you go upstairs and rest until dinner?”
I did as they suggested. Several hours later, I found Laurence in the same room where I’d found him the evening before, playing the piano softly. I sat down next to him.
“I’ve been trying to wrap my head around it all afternoon, but I can still scarcely believe I got the position,” he said.
“I can,” I said. “You’re brilliant.”
He kissed my cheek. “Thank you, my love.”
I leaned my head on his and he wrapped his arm around my back.
“I’m glad I shall have better means to support you,” he said. “I shall be pleased to report that to your father.”
“And you can get your piano and your father’s books and your papa’s clothes.”
“I love that you remember things. What shall I buy you?”
“Me?”
“Well, if I’m going to spoil my whole family with gifts, you can be sure you’re included in that.”
I considered. “I don’t recall seeing a bench in your garden. I should like a nice bench for us to sit on at night and watch your butterflies.”
“Oh, Sebastian,” he whispered.
I sat up to see Laurence crying. “Good heavens!” I said. “What did I say? What’s wrong?”
He smiled at me through his tears. “Nothing, angel. You’re perfect.”
I reached up and returned the favor he so very often gave me, wiping his tears away with my fingertips. “Far from perfect.”
“Perfect for me,” he said, cupping my cheek and kissing me.
I leaned my head back on his and he played a song softly on the piano.
We all had dinner at the dukex’s house, rather than going back to Nesbit’s. I was glad of that, as I had rather lost my taste for the place. We spent most of dinner talking about all of the grand things Laurence would get to do in his new position. Bertie was very curious about Laurence’s plans for his garden. It was enjoyable to watch him get so enthusiastic, now that he knew it would be a reality.
Bertie informed me that he had requested for some things to be sent up to my room. When I went upstairs, I found all of the ingredients for the hand-soaking tincture. I was very relieved. After all, I did write an awful lot at the palace and tonight. It made me think of how Bertie had noticed the way Voss treated me, even though he hadn’t said anything. Bertie really does pay attention more than he lets on.
23 September 1817
Dear Bartleby,
Visited with Father today. Laurence, Bertie, and the dukex attempted to encourage me throughout breakfast. I did try to act like it was working but I don’t think I was very successful. After breakfast, Bertie escorted Laurence back to the palace to sign the contract. Laurence gave me a deep but gentle kiss, and wished me luck.
I watched them go and, after a brief hesitation, I ran upstairs to fetch my journal. The dukex was waiting for me when I got back downstairs.
“The carriage has been sent for,” they explained.
“Thank you,” I said. “That’s very generous of you.”
They smiled and said, “I won’t keep you long as I know you’re quite anxious to leave, but while we’re waiting for the carriage, I hoped I might talk to you about my offer.” They smiled. “I expect your answer remains the same, considering your refusal of the Prince Regent’s offer. After your interaction the other night, I would have been surprised if London held quite the same temptation for you.”
“You’re right,” I said. “I certainly don’t want to run into Parks again. Although it’s a shame because I do want to see more of the city some time.”
They cupped my chin. “While my initial offer was one made from concern for you and your future, I must admit I’m pleased to see you’re doing just fine without my help. I want you to know that my house is always open to you, should you wish to come again.” They gave another smile. “And of course Mr. Ayles is included in that invitation. A fine young man, I must say. You both are.”
I let out a long breath. “Thank you, Your Grace.”
They winked at me. “Off you go now. Good luck.”
I put on my coat, hat, and gloves and then left in the dukex’s carriage. I felt as though my heart was in my mouth when I finally knocked on the door to the townhouse.
I was shown into a cozy drawing room with a small fire burning. Father was sitting in the room, reading a paper. He stood to greet me and directed me to sit on the sofa opposite his armchair. I realized it was closer to the fire and that he had purposely left the better seat for me, which made me feel odd. It was very unexpected.
He leaned back in his chair. “So,” he said. “How have you been getting on?”
I launched into a report of my work with Bertie, my lessons, the schedule Charles had designed for me. I concluded with the assurance that I had been diligently keeping up with my journaling, then offered it to him as evidence. I felt a little winded by the end.
He took the journal with a small smile. He set it on his lap and said, “That is all very well, Sebastian. I’m glad you have been so disciplined. But how are you getting on?”
I looked at him blankly.
He sighed a little. “How are you?”
“Oh,” I said. “I’m well, I think.”
He waited.
“I like Tutting-on-Cress,” I ventured. “I like living with Gavin and Charles. I’ve learned so much from them. They give good advice when I ask, although I wish I didn’t have to ask quite so much. Gerry does too, actually. Give good advice, I mean. She’s very busy with the shop, you know, so I don’t see her as often as I’d like. But I do like being able to see her. Mr. Standish, you know, who lives with them—” He nodded. “He’s very nice. We’ve gotten to be friends. He’s a good deal kinder than any friends I’ve had before. I like working with Bertie and I adore my magic lessons. And—”
I took a deep breath. “I like being walking distance to Laurence’s house. We want to make it a long engagement, you see; I want to get to know him better before we get married. Get to know myself better too,” I added. “I rather hated it all when I first arrived. It was so quiet and so small, but I-I like that about it now. I’m quite happy there. Do you…do you think I might be permitted to stay?”
“I admit that I would like you to come home for a little while,” he said. “But, yes, after that, you may stay.”
“Thank you,” I said, trying not to sound too relieved. “And about Laurence...”
He looked at me, waiting.
“I really love him, Father. He’s so good and kind and clever. He makes me want to be the best possible person.”
He gave a small smile again. “I’m looking forward to getting to know him better.”
“You mean you haven’t made up your mind yet?”
“I have not.”
I clasped my hands together. “Were you waiting until he heard back about the appointment? He got the position, you know.”
He frowned a little. “Well, I didn’t want to distract him from that, of course. I received messages from you both yesterday with the news. But the results of his appointment are, frankly, immaterial to me. They tell me little of the young man’s character.”
“So you’re not…worried about his financial situation?”
He tilted his head in consideration. “I would feel better if you had a bit more money. But your dowry will add to that somewhat. He can provide you with the necessities, which is what really matters. Besides,” he went on, “I shall be at peace with the arrangement, knowing you are close enough to Charles and Gavin should you have any serious need. How is the journaling going?”
I was a little taken aback by the abrupt change of subject. “Er…well, I think? I’m doing it every day.”
He flipped through the pages, going too fast to really read any of it. “Gavin mentioned in an earlier letter that he noticed you have been addressing the entries to someone. Would you care to explain who you are writing these for?”
I felt myself blush. “Oh, it’s nothing, Father.”
He sighed. “Sebastian, I won’t be angry.”
“No,” I said. “I explained it all to Gavin. It really is nothing. I felt…foolish writing just to myself. I invented someone to write the entries to so I wouldn’t feel so…pathetic.”
He ran a hand over his face. “What did I do wrong with you, Sebastian?”
“What?” I said, alarmed.
“You were always so bright and cheerful as a child. Then you went away to school and got mixed up with terrible people. Despite all of our best efforts, you got so silly and foolish. When I finally pulled you out of school, you lapsed into what I can only describe as complete loneliness,” he said, waving the journal. “What happened?”
I looked down at my hands, still clasped together. I wished that Laurence were there to cover them with his own hand. “I’ve always been lonely, Father.”
He stood and moved to sit beside me on the sofa. “Tell me.”
“It wasn’t anyone’s fault,” I said. “It’s just—Gerry and Gavin have always got along so well. Not that they didn’t invite me along, of course,” I added hastily. “But it was never the same. I was always the baby brother tagging along. I hoped it would all change when I went to Oxford. But no one talked to me for weeks. Until Parks—”
I broke off and glanced at him. He was sitting silently, waiting, so I continued. “Parks dared me to liven things up. The headmaster’s address was very boring, you see. So I turned the lectern invisible. I learned that was the best way to keep in his good graces. Parks, I mean. Not the headmaster. I rather think he hated me.”
“Why did you never tell me, Sebastian?”
I shrugged, unwilling to be honest.
“Son, look at me.”
I dragged my eyes up to meet his.
“I’m sorry I never recognized your unhappiness. I certainly should have. But I wish you’d have told me.”
I looked back down at my hands. “Gavin suggested once that I might be better coming home and learning from a tutor. But I was worried you’d be even more disappointed in me.”
Then Father did the most surprising thing. He pulled me forward and held me to his chest, wrapping his arms around my back. I was so shocked, I didn’t know what to do for several moments. “I have never been disappointed in you,” he said. “Disappointed in some of your choices, yes, but never you.”
I buried my face in his coat. I started crying and I was a little worried he’d be irritated with me ruining his clothes, but then it occurred to me that he has never been upset with a person for crying. He held me close for a long, silent period. Then he kissed the top of my head and let me go.
I sat up, feeling wobbly and pulled out my kerchief. “I thought you didn’t like me very much.”
“My word,” he said, taking the kerchief out of my hands and wiping my face with it. “How could I dislike my own child?”
I shrugged.
“I should have tried to get to know you better, son. Can you ever forgive me?”
I was feeling weepy again and he pulled me back toward him.
“You’ve done marvelously well living with Gavin,” he said. “I am relieved my instincts were right on that account.”
“They were,” I agreed. “I really love living with them.”
He pulled me away to look at me. “I should very much like for you to come home for a little while, perhaps after this trip from London is concluded.” He held up a hand when I started to protest. “Not as punishment.” He sighed. “I’d been putting you on the same path as your siblings, thinking you would do as well as they did. University seemed to suit them just fine. But the truth is, I barely know you now.” He wiped a thumb under my eye to catch a tear that was falling. “I can never forgive myself for that neglect. But if you will allow me to make it up to you before you go off and get married, then I would be very grateful.”
“Of course, Father. Although,” I added, frowning. “I can’t be gone very long. Bertie quite depends on me as his assistant, you know.”
He chuckled. “I believe he’ll indulge me for a little while. I am sure he will be happy to have you back when you return.”
I latched on to something he had said earlier. “Do you mean you do approve after all? Of me and Laurence?”
“I still want to have a better acquaintance with the young man,” he said. “But I am pleased with your decision to make it a long engagement. It worked very well for Gavin. I confess I wish John had had such practicality.”
“You’ll like him,” I said. “He’s wonderful.”
