Dear Bartleby, page 15
10 September 1817
Dear Bartleby,
Lost my nerve and did not ask Pip last night. So I still don’t know what to tell Mr. Ayles.
Sat next to Mr. Voss at lunch and Mr. Ayles was smirking when we all sat down. He was also right about Mr. Voss being more inclined to talk, considering the subject matter. Mr. Voss, it would seem, wants to make magic bigger. No, that’s a silly way to put it. He thinks it ought to be used for bigger things. For instance, instead of building bridges and houses and towers by hand, Mr. Voss wants more magic to be designed with that intention.
“Look at the state of the roads,” he said. “Just think what we could accomplish if we applied magic to the problem.”
It was fascinating, I hate to say it. I wonder what sort of spell he’ll design to reflect that.
Practiced my tea assignment and I nearly have it down.
Left early again which meant Mr. Ayles did not accompany me home today either.
When I got home, Gavin came and got me and brought me into Charles’s study. Charles was already at his desk. Gavin perched on the edge of it and had me sit down in the chair in front.
“Is something the matter?” I asked.
“Well, the main reason we wanted to talk to you is because we have some news,” Charles said. He waved a letter at me. “This is from your father.”
“Oh God,” I said, feeling dread fill my stomach.
“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” Gavin said, flapping his hand at me. “Nothing so serious as all that.” He glanced over his shoulder at Charles.
Charles folded his hands in front of him on his desk. “I believe you know Bertie plans to go with the final three applicants to London.”
I nodded.
“He asked that we write to Mr. Hartford to see if you could accompany him.”
“Father said you may,” Gavin said.
“What?” I said, leaning forward. “I get to go to London? With Bertie? And—and everybody?”
“Yes,” Charles said, smiling. “But of course, you will be going as his assistant. So you will likely be working.”
“I don’t even care! I really get to go to London?” I gave a whoop.
Charles laughed.
“I’ve been wanting to go for simply ages!”
“I recall,” Gavin said. “You asked me to send for you in practically every letter when I was staying there.”
“Yes,” I said mulishly. “And you never did it.”
He rolled his eyes. “At any rate, I wish to impress upon you the trust Father is giving you to behave yourself while you’re there. You’ve—you’ve grown up quite a lot in the time since you arrived here. So I’m not exactly concerned, but London will offer a great many temptations. Please see to it that you don’t do anything reckless.”
“I won’t,” I assured him.
Gavin glanced at Charles again. Charles got up and stood next to him, putting his arm around Gavin’s shoulders. Gavin said, “We also wanted to ask you…”
“Yes?”
He frowned. “Are you all right?”
“What?”
“You’ve been moody the past few days. Is anything the matter?”
“Oh,” I said. “No, nothing is the matter. Just…I’ve just been thinking.”
“About?” Charles prompted.
I sighed. “I’m not sure I want to talk about it yet.”
“You know you can tell us anything, darling,” Charles said.
“Well, I don’t know how I feel about it yet. I feel like I need a push but—”
“Charles is definitely good for that,” Gavin said. Charles grinned.
“I know,” I said. “But I don’t know if I want that big a push.”
Charles laughed.
“If you’re sure,” Gavin said.
“I’m not sure of anything right now,” I said.
“Well,” Gavin said. “I can understand that actually. But mind you ponder it less moodily, all right? Or I will have no choice but to sic Charles on you.”
I snorted.
Charles wrapped his arms around Gavin’s chest. “I’m so glad you’re finally learning how to put me to good use, dearest,” he said, kissing Gavin on the cheek.
Gavin leaned back to gaze adoringly into his husband’s eyes.
“Right,” I said. “Can I go now?”
“Off with you, you rascal,” Charles said, laughing.
I had better talk to Pip soon.
11 September 1817
Dear Bartleby,
Sat next to Mr. Ayles at lunch today. It was quite nice, as I’ve missed his conversation. I’m wondering if he was correct and Bertie was hoping I’d ask him about his plans, but I had already asked him. Instead I asked how his spell design work was coming along and we talked about that for most of the meal.
Pip showed up after lunch, which surprised me. He came with a delivery for Bertie from the spell shop and he stopped in to greet me. It seemed too perfect an opportunity, so I asked if I could leave early to walk back with him part of the way. Bertie didn’t mind, of course.
“I hear you’ve decided to stay here for a while,” he said, as we walked down the road.
“Yes,” I said. “Bertie said I could continue working with him, and Gavin and Charles said I might stay.”
“I’m glad,” he said. “I take it you no longer feel quite so confined by living here as you once did.”
I stuffed my hands into my pockets. “Not as much, no,” I said. I was trying to figure out a way to work the conversation around to my dilemma, but nothing was coming to mind.
He glanced at me. “Is anything the matter?”
I sighed. “Well, not exactly. You see, I’m trying to make up my mind about something. I was hoping to ask for your advice, but I don’t know how to go about doing it.”
He grinned. “I’m all ears.”
“Well, Charles took me to visit the Ayles family the other day.”
“Ah,” he said.
“And Mr. Ayles and I got to talking, apart from the others, you see. He, er, he said he considered me his friend.”
“That’s good,” he said. “I seem to remember that being a concern of yours.”
“Yes, it was a relief…”
“But?”
“Well, he also said that he’d like to be more than friends. He...er…sort of proposed.”
Pip seemed to consider this. “Is that a problem?”
“I’m not sure,” I said. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. You see, I like him very much. He’s quickly becoming one of my favorite people, really. He was telling me all about his plans for the future and they sound wonderful. Possibly perfect, even. He said he wasn’t in any hurry. He told me to think about it. He even said it wasn’t necessarily an official declaration, more along the lines of ensuring I knew how he felt. But…” I sighed and raked a hand through my hair. “I only just decided I’d like to stay here for a while. And I don’t even know how long ‘a while’ is. That decision was the biggest one I’ve ever made. I’m not at all sure I’m ready to make another big decision so soon.”
He smiled. “I can understand that.”
“You can?” I said, feeling strangely relieved.
“Yes. I’m…” He paused. “I’m in a similar position, in a way.” He stopped walking and turned to me. “I promised you I’d tell you about my history, Seb. But I’ve never really gotten around to doing it.”
“You’re not obligated to,” I said.
“I know,” he said. “But my past…well it’s not a very nice one, but it is a part of who I am and it’s a significant part of why I’m here in Tutting-on-Cress and living with Charles and Gavin.”
“I always supposed it was because you work with Gerry,” I admitted.
“That was the reason given,” he said. “But there is a great deal more to it, I’m afraid.” He let out a long breath. “When I lived in London, I…lived with a man who…well, he said he loved me, but he was actually very cruel. Only I didn’t really know it for cruelty then. So I stayed with him for years even though I was miserable. And—oh, Lord, how to say this correctly,” he muttered. He considered for a moment. “This man used me to make money. Initially, it was by teaching me to steal and sending me out to steal things.”
I blinked at him. I hadn’t realized Pip was a thief.
He smiled a little at my surprised expression. “It is a wonder, truly, that your family is as kind to me as they are.”
“Not all that wondrous,” I said. “But do go on.”
He seemed to steel himself. “Sometimes, however, he also used me to make money by…sending me home with other people.” He glanced at me to see if I understood his meaning.
I did, but I had no idea what to say. I finally settled on, “That’s horrible, Pip.”
He nodded, chewing his lip. “That man you saw talking to me at Bertie’s…he was one of the people I was sent home with.”
I clapped a hand over my mouth.
“He requested me quite often, as a matter of fact. That’s why I…reacted as I did.”
“I don’t blame you,” I said.
“Thank you,” he said with a wry smile. “As you can imagine, I have not been in any particular hurry to…pursue romance, as it were.”
“No, I should think not.” I hesitated. “Will you? Eventually?”
He huffed. “Eventually, yes. But I need time yet.” He began walking forward again and I fell into step beside him. “I am very fortunate to have friends like your family, and you, who take care of me, and accept me despite…everything. But I am doubly fortunate to be loved by a gentleman who recognizes that I need time. That it might be years before I’m ready. Quite frankly, I’m already in love with him, but it’s too soon. I’m not...ready for his love yet. Thankfully, he knows this and his patience means more than I can adequately put into words.”
It suddenly made sense why I’ve always seen Pip and Bertie looking at each other with such fondness, but never actually touching. “Thank you for telling me,” I said. “I’m sure it cannot be easy talking about it.”
“It isn’t,” he said. “Although, it is getting a little easier. I say all of that to tell you that if your Mr. Ayles is in earnest about not hurrying you, then you should accept that. If he is the kind and loving person you believe him to be—and frankly, I expect he is, from what I’ve seen and heard of him—he will be willing to wait. If you continue to be his friend and continue to strengthen your friendship with him, he will understand.”
It was not exactly the answer I was hoping for. Pip was giving me advice, but he wasn’t telling me what I should do, besides wait. I considered for a moment. “Should I tell him, do you think? That I need more time?”
He smiled. “I think it would put your mind at ease, if nothing else.”
“All right,” I mumbled. “Thank you.”
He chuckled. “If you were hoping for me to tell you whether or not a future with Mr. Ayles is for you, then I am not the person to ask.” He paused. “I might be the worst person to ask, in point of fact. I imagine any one of your siblings will give you a more distinct suggestion.”
“I was hoping for something like that,” I admitted. “I thought you might give me more advice than Gavin and less advice than Charles.”
He laughed. “I can understand that. But if you want my advice, it is to accept your friend’s patience.” He looked up ahead. “I believe I should branch off here shortly if I want a shorter trip to the village. Unless there was anything else you wanted to talk about?”
I shook my head. “That was it. Thank you.”
He put a hand on my shoulder. “Trust yourself, Seb,” he said. “You have a bigger heart, a better mind, and keener instincts than you realize.” And with that, he gave my shoulder a pat, and walked away.
When I got home, I was at a bit of a loss what to do with myself. I decided to pace around the garden for a bit.
Gavin found me on my third circuit. “You’re home early,” he said.
“Yes,” I said. “Pip came by with a delivery for Bertie, and I asked if I could leave early so I could talk to him.”
He looked me up and down. “I take it he didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear.”
I sighed. “He gave me advice. And it was helpful. But…” I huffed out a breath and began pacing to and fro on the path in front of him. “I don’t know. I’m not accustomed to making so many decisions all at once.”
“You have a decision to make?” he asked quietly.
“Well,” I hedged. “In a manner of speaking. That is, yes?”
His eyebrows rose. “And it is concerning your Mr. Ayles?”
I glared at him. “He’s not my Mr. Ayles.”
Gavin didn’t reply.
I sighed again. “Yes, it is. He…he wants to be more than friends. H-he said he’d like to spend the rest of his life with me.”
Gavin didn’t look surprised by this. He didn’t comment either.
“The trouble is,” I continued, as if he had asked me to. “I think I would very much like that, but I’m not sure I’m ready for it.”
Gavin put his hands in his pockets and leaned against a small birch tree. He still didn’t say anything.
“And,” I went on, “he told me to give it some thought and that there was no hurry. Pip says to wait and think about it a while until I’m sure.” I glanced at Gavin, who was still staring at me with a solemn and infuriatingly inscrutable expression. I ran a hand through my hair and went on, “I daresay that’s very good advice, but I was rather hoping his advice would be more direct. That’s the reason I didn’t ask you before, because I expected you to tell me something like what Pip did. I’m afraid to talk to Charles about it because he’ll tell me exactly what to do, and I’m a little frightened of that much directness. And I can’t tell Gerry because she’s a sister.”
He snorted at that. “Why should that signify?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve never asked her for advice on this subject before.”
“Rubbish,” he said. “You’ve recounted many of your personal exploits to her.”
“Well,” I said, kicking at a bit of gravel. “That was more along the lines of bragging than asking for help.”
He rolled his eyes. “First off, Gerry gives excellent advice. You might talk to her sometime if you want some solid but gentle guidance. Although I should warn you: she does push when she feels a person needs it. As for the rest, what is it you want to hear, Seb? Do you want me to tell you that Mr. Ayles seems like a lovely gentleman and he suits you very nicely and that I would be pleased to see you settled with such a decent person? That you clearly like him and he clearly likes you and that you seem very happy around him? That it would be nice to know that you are well taken care of, and living close by? For all that is true.”
My heart lifted.
He continued, “Or do you wish me to say that you are too young? That you’ve only known him for a month? That you oughtn’t be too hasty? For all that is true, too.”
My heart sank.
“Well,” he added, “in point of fact, you are at a fine age to get married. Many people get married at twenty. You are younger than either John or I was, but I took a long time out of fear. And you would, presumably, be marrying someone who is able to assume financial responsibility. In which case, you will not have to worry about earning enough money for a new family or anything. So I can’t exactly say you are too young. Only that you are young.”
He pushed himself off from the tree and walked over to me and put both hands on my shoulders, rather like Pip did. “Pip is right. You should think about it. He’s also right that you shouldn’t rush into it and that you should wait. However, I suspect you already know what you want in this case, and you’re hoping someone will tell you that it’s a good idea. I’m sure if you ask Charles, he will tell you exactly that.” He gripped my shoulders and gave me a little shake. “Just because you made one error in judgment with your friends at school does not mean you are foolish or a bad judge of character. I would be very happy to see Mr. Ayles become a part of our family. And I am not overly fond of most people, as a rule.” He paused. “If you feel that he will make you happy, then that is your answer. If you feel that you are not ready for marriage yet, that can also be your answer.”
I frowned at him. “How can both be my answer?”
Gavin sighed. “If you are in love with the man, tell him so. If you are in love with him but do not wish to marry him just yet, tell him that too. I would hazard a guess that he will accept the second truth as easily as he will accept the first.”
I pondered this a moment. “Oh,” I said.
He let go of my shoulders and cuffed me on one. “Come on,” he said, turning back to the house. “Let’s go inside and have some tea. I’m exhausted just watching you exhaust yourself.”
I huffed but followed.
I’ve been thinking it over all evening and I have come to the conclusion that Gavin may be right. And Pip may be right too. After all, Pip also said to trust my instincts. I think I know my answer to Mr. Ayles, but I need more time as well. Now to have the courage to tell him my answer.
12 September 1817
Dear Bartleby,
Mr. Ayles was not at Bertie’s today. I had a moment of panic at not seeing him. I could barely contain my anxiety all through lunch (sat far from Bertie, so I couldn’t ask him—sat on the other side of Mr. Voss, who spoke only to Miss Locke the entire time).
After lunch, I asked Bertie as soon as we were in the privacy of his study whether Mr. Ayles had been sent away, like Sir Ronald.
