Aerisian Refrain, page 38
part #1 of Beyond the Sunset Series
He meant it as a jest. She did not seem to accept it as such.
“Cole, I can’t even tell you…” She broke off, struggling.
“Tell me what?”
“Never mind. It doesn’t matter.”
To his eternal surprise, surprise he concealed, she sighed and lowered her head onto his shoulder. Mesmerized, he stared at her rich black hair, the elegant curve of her neck, then down the length of her back until it disappeared into the tightly-laced scarlet gown.
“For what it is worth,” he said quietly, moved by the gesture of surrender, of trust, “I am sorry.”
She nodded, her head still bent. “Me too,” he heard her whisper against his coat. Her fingers on his upper arm clenched his sleeve a little tighter. “Me too. I wish none of this had happened the way it did.”
If it had not, if she had been merely a girl from Earth, somehow crossed to Aerisia, into his life, might it have been different? Might they have been different? Was there a chance, even now, for them? But a chance for what?
She lifted her head, and he was taken aback to see a sheen of tears. She dashed a hand under her eyes to wipe the moisture away. He started to remark on it, but she gave a short laugh, speaking instead.
“Hannah is so ridiculous.”
She was staring over his shoulder. Cole turned them slightly in pace with the music and glanced to the fringes of the hall. The Artan was half-hidden behind Prince Kurban, but was leaning out around him, grinning widely and mouthing words to Annie. When she saw him look, she straightened quickly, clasping her hands behind her back, trying to appear innocent.
“Uh oh. You saw,” Annie chuckled. “You know she’s not going to let this go.”
He would have expected no less from her. The lady was incorrigible.
“Let her think what she will.”
“I guess it doesn’t matter. She’ll find out soon enough it’s—that there’s nothing—I mean…” She broke off and stared him full in the face, seeming to gather her thoughts. “I’m leaving, Cole. I already talked to Kirrian, the Sanlyn chieftain. When they leave after this conference is over, I’m going with them. He’s agreed to let me come visit the Jeweled Isles.”
The Simathe kept his features composed, even as shock struck his brain. What was she thinking?
“I’m sure you’re surprised,” the girl went on, “but this is something I have to do. I can’t go on staying here, causing arguments and strain between allies and friends. I can’t keep coming between people like you and your clan. I can’t keep Hannah caught in the middle between her friendship with me and her husband. I know they’ve already had arguments about her spending time with me. I can’t do that to her. It isn’t right.”
“What purpose will going with the Sanlyn serve?” The question came out gruffer than he intended. “Do you know the dangers of that place?”
She looked a little irritated. “Yes, I know the rumors. The men you saved me from were going to sell me to the Sanlyn, remember? For all his faults, I also think Kirrian is as good as his word. He’s promised to give me safeguard, and I believe him. Of course, he thinks letting me visit his homeland is a great way to spend more time together so he can convince me to be his tenth wife, but we both know that’s not gonna happen. I’ll be fine.
“Besides,” she went on, “I know your High-Chief is going to send someone after me wherever I go. I know for a fact they don’t trust me and never will. Still, if I’m off in the Jeweled Islands, at least it’ll probably just be one person watching me, not everyone. I feel claustrophobic here, like I’m a goldfish in a bowl. I’m tired of it. If I’m never going to get back home, I need to carve out some kind of life for myself. How can I do that when I’m surrounded by people that don’t trust me?” Again, she blinked back tears. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “But I’ve thought it through, and this is the only way.”
He was mute as he sought words to counter her arguments. While his mind raced, the music had slowed, was stopping. His body kept pace even as his mind was far removed. One final time, he swung her out, then in. She came to a stop with one hand still in his and the other on his shoulder, staring up at him sadly.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered again, then stepped back, breaking them apart.
There was a polite smatter of applause for the dancers as he led her off the floor. Cole was deaf as well as mute. He heard nothing, saw nothing, even as he left her in Lady Hannah’s company with a final bow.
She was leaving. The only woman he had ever been drawn to, and she was leaving. He felt as humans must feel when faced with an unpleasant surprise. He’d not been this flummoxed since the final battle outside Shayle’s gates, when the Artan had triumphed but then died, leaving their forces reeling with sorrow and shock. At the border of the crowd, he reassumed the silent, watchful stance he’d born all evening. Even if outwardly he remained calm and impassable, an unapproachable Simathe lord, inside he fought a rarely known sensation. Pain.
Chapter 50
Sacrifice
“Well, look at you. You’ve only been here a few weeks and you already got Cole to do something Ilgard would never do with me. What’s really going on between you two?”
Hannah’s barely contained glee only deepened the ache inside as I watched the Simathe lord walk away. His back was straight, the line of his shoulders firm. If I hadn’t known any better, I wouldn’t have had any idea that my news bothered him. Somehow, I knew. I knew, despite that Simathe fortitude that shielded their innermost thoughts. I knew I’d hurt him. And I felt horrible. I’d never wanted to hurt him. I didn’t want to be hurting myself like I was. Watching him leave, I ached inside, but my mind was made up.
I’m doing what I have to do, I reminded myself, turning back to Hannah, plastering a pleasant expression on my face.
She didn’t know yet. Nobody knew except Cole, Kirrian, and me. I would have to tell her, but I didn’t want to ruin her night. After all, I still had some time before the Sanlyn were scheduled to go home.
Plenty of time in between then and now to crush her too, I thought glumly. And she would be crushed. She’d be devastated. I was her only link to Earth. When I went, that would be gone. I knew, more than anything else, she wanted me there at Treygon with her. Her next words confirmed it.
“Does this mean my wildest dreams are going to come true of you and Cole and happily ever after at Treygon?” she teased, raising her eyebrows. “You can’t deny something’s going on there. Not after that performance.”
I smiled and shook my head. In my ears, I heard the warnings of her husband and his Chief Captain not to dissuade Cole from his loyalty to Treygon. She had no idea, and I couldn’t tell her.
“I think you’re putting the cart before the horse,” I said to cover. “He just wanted to apologize and explain his side of the story.”
“About your argument over him watching you.”
“Yes.”
“What did he say?”
“What could he say?” I shrugged. “Basically, he pointed out that while we were friends, he’d been serving Treygon his entire life. It was a conflict of loyalties, but I guess he did the best he could.”
“See? Conflict of loyalties. I was right: he likes you.”
Her words provoked a lump of pain in my throat. I swallowed it down.
Yes, he liked me. He told me he’d been drawn to me from the first, exactly as I’d been drawn to him. It didn’t make any sense. Our lives, our upbringing, our worlds, even our lifespans were so opposed that falling for each other should have been impossible. Clearly, it wasn’t. Just as clearly, being together was. The difficulties were already insurmountable. Add to that my unwanted ties to the male fairies, as well as the threats from his superior officers, and it was all over.
“He may like me, but not necessarily in that way,” I countered, trying to keep my tone light. “We’re just friends.”
“Just friends, my foot,” Hannah scoffed, rolling her eyes. “Cole and I are just friends, and he’s certainly never asked me to dance. Ilgard and I have been married for several years, and fire would turn to ice before he would dance publically. Don’t give me that just friends business. Simathe don’t dance. Period. But he did.”
“Why wouldn’t your own husband dance with you?” I asked, not only to steer the conversation away from a sore spot but also because I was genuinely curious. I didn’t have any love for the Simathe High-Chief, but even I could see he was wrapped around his wife’s finger.
Hannah knew what I was doing, but mercifully complied. “Oh, that’s just him,” she replied, looking across the room to where he stood in silent solidarity with a couple of his fellow lords. “He is what he is. Dancing’s not part of the package.”
“But if he loves you, wouldn’t he do it to make you happy?”
She gave me an odd look. “He does make me happy, and he doesn’t need to dance with me to prove that he loves me. I knew this side of him when I fell for him. Would it be fair for me to tell him I loved him, and then demand he change? That’s not love—demanding someone change to suit you.”
“Isn’t love being willing to change for someone?”
“Change bad habits, yes, of course. But change the core of who you are? Your very person? No. I don’t think so.”
She studied me askance. “Why are you asking all these questions about love anyway?” Instantly, her good humor returned. “Got someone special in mind?”
I rolled my eyes at her persistence. “You’re terrible, you know that?”
“I know.” Her grin faded, and she said more soberly, “Look, I hope you don’t mind me offering some advice, but since I’m the only person who’s ever dealt with…ah…such a unique situation, I might be qualified.”
Before I could stop her, she plunged on. “If you choose to pursue this relationship, either now or later, you need to know that it’s going to require sacrifice. Any relationship will. I mean, is it really love if it doesn’t require some sacrifice? But this kind will even more, for obvious reasons.
“You’re not going to have a man who’s fluent with words or given to poetry or flattery or grand, romantic gestures. That’s not in their nature. However, what you will have is uncompromising loyalty and devotion. There will never, ever be another for him if he binds himself to you. It will be just you and him and that’s—that’s a pretty amazing thing. It’s up to you to decide if this is what you want and if you can handle being with someone like that, or if you want the romantic bright lights and glitz and glamor. He’ll never be able to give you that, but what he will be is someone who loves you to the core of his soul, and that goes very, very deep. Deeper than you can possibly imagine.”
She was so serious, so firm that I was taken aback. She wasn’t joking around. This was an important topic to her.
“And you’ve never regretted…”
“Nope.” She didn’t even let me finish. “Never. Not for one single second. Like I said, I knew what he was well before I married him. I loved him for who he was. I didn’t want him to change then. I don’t want him to change now. I love him. And he loves me.”
She smiled guiltily and quirked a shoulder. “I don’t want to make it sound like it’s all one-sided, though. The sacrifice. The acceptance. If you stop and think about it, Ilgard had some pretty huge changes to accept himself.”
“What do you mean?”
It was hard to imagine anyone not feeling lucky to have a wife like my friend, especially the indomitable Simathe High-Chief.
“Well, think about it. He was the Simathe High-Chief for years—years!—before I arrived. Centuries. Millennia, maybe. Not sure how long. All those years, he had nothing except strict obedience, respect, and authority. Then comes this girl from another world that he has to Join with in order to protect. She’s scared, she resentful, she’s hateful, she’s…um, probably a little spoiled. I hated him and everything he stood for. I made no secret of it. We were not friends in the beginning, not like you and Cole. Quite the opposite, in fact. And yet, somehow, the more we were thrown together and the more we went through, the more I guess we both saw the best in each other. Somehow, we beat the odds. We fell in love. We got married. And now he has a wife who talks his ear off when he was used to peace and quiet, who took over his quarters and covered his bed with throw pillows she’d made—which he did not appreciate, by the way, who demands attention when he was used to his own time, who shares her opinions on whatever she thinks…”
“Who doesn’t mind telling him when she thinks he’s wrong?”
I wish I’d been brave enough to tell him he was wrong. About me, about Cole.
“Yes!” Hannah chuckled. “I’m no shrinking violet. He hears whatever I think. It’s a completely different world than his existence for ages and ages. And you know what?”
“What?”
“He likes it.” She was smiling softly now, almost glowing. “One time, well before either of us had admitted our attraction, I accused him of wishing I was smarter, stronger, braver, more mature. He said—I’ll never forget it—he said that was only what I thought I knew. He wanted me to be no different than I am.
“Ever since then, he’s proved that, day in and day out. Oh, I’m sure I get on his nerves sometimes, just like he gets on mine. That’s life. No married couple doesn’t have the occasional argument. But he took this woman who turned his entire existence on its head, and he accepted all of her faults and weaknesses, and he loves her for exactly who and what she is. It’s pretty amazing, really.”
Again, she was staring across the ballroom at her husband. I still wasn’t sure what she saw in him, but the light in her mismatched eyes was unmistakable. It hurt to see. Because I could imagine looking at Cole like that. Cole, who was so unlike anyone I’d ever met. Cole, who’d accepted me and befriended me from the beginning, with no qualms about our different racial backgrounds or the different worlds from which we’d come. Cole, who’d stuck up for me when no one else besides Hannah had. Yes, he’d been caught between his loyalties to his brothers and his friendship with me, but I knew in my heart of hearts that, no matter what anyone else including his lords said or did, he would give everything he had to keep me safe. If I would let him.
That was just it. I couldn’t let him. He’d given too much already. So had Hannah. So had I. I had to seize control over my own destiny. I had to find a way to fight the Raven on my own terms, to break free of his hold on me. I’d known from the moment Lord Norband rescued me that this was the path I’d have to take. My subsequent run-in with the Simathe lords confirmed it. The other male fairies were gone, locked away by the Stoneclad, but their lord, their leader, had escaped. He’d been wounded, but he would recover. That was probably a temporary setback, meaning he was still a force to be reckoned with. His attacking me with the Kâ'lanû Ahkyeli'skï proved that he wasn’t above murder, that there were no depths beyond him. I couldn’t risk having anyone else hurt because of me. Especially Hannah, or Cole.
All I could think to do was get away. I didn’t know where or how, but there had to be other magic workers in Aerisia who could help me gain control of my heritage, my magic, and combat the Raven. If Hannah knew, she would’ve already done it, so I could safely assume she didn’t have any ideas. The female fairies? Possibly, but none of them besides Aureeyah seemed inclined to help me, and Aureeyah had already assisted me as much as she could.
No, this was something I had to do myself. I had to protect everyone else. I had to remove this fight. Also, I was hoping by pulling a surprise move like leaving Laytrii for the Jeweled Islands, the Raven might be thrown off until I could find some help. After all, he wasn’t omniscient. He couldn’t be everywhere at once. I’d asked Kirrian to keep our plans quiet. The Sanlyn chieftain was so thrilled by the idea that he might have time to try and win me as his wife that he’d agreed to everything. I knew Cole wouldn’t be spreading it around. This was my opportunity. I had to take it, even if it meant forfeiting any chance of a future with Cole like Hannah had with his High-Chief.
Not that there’d ever been much of a chance for that, anyway.
Someone approached just then: a noblewoman seeking the Artan’s attention. With Hannah distracted, I excused myself and slipped away. All of the sudden, I felt flushed and warm. I decided to step out into the palace gardens in search of cool air and a few minutes of peace.
Someone stepped in my way, intercepting me.
“Perhaps, if you were willing to partner with a Simathe, you might also favor a Moonkind with the honor of a dance?”
Surprised, I glanced up into the face of The Hunter. As always, the Moonkind warrior was dressed in black from head to toe, as if in mourning. Tonight, he’d exchanged his typically functional black clothing for something a bit finer and more suited to the occasion. With his stunning long white hair pulled back from the sides of his face, and his blue-green eyes emphasized by the tan of his face, it was hard not to notice how attractive he was.
Someone else noticed. I saw Rittean, Hannah’s sweet, Moonkind cousin, flash us a look and quickly turn away. In that one peek I’d seen surprise and bewilderment. Hurt.
I didn’t want to be the jerk who left this Moonkind warrior, who was already something of an outcast, standing in the ballroom with his hand stretched out. Giving up on the gardens, I smiled and accepted his offer, instead.
“Of course, thank you for asking.” However, as he led me out onto the floor and we faced each other to begin the dance, I asked in tones only he could hear, “Are you sure it’s me you should be dancing with?”
His arm slid around my waist, I gathered my skirts, and he moved us into rhythm. Like the Simathe before him, his footwork was more than adequate. Maybe he’d also spent a lot of time at these events standing back and observing.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
I nodded over his shoulder towards the Moonkind girl who was steadfastly staring down at the cup in her hand. “Rittean looks very pretty tonight, doesn’t she?”
