Fire, page 18
‘The reason she’s bitchy towards you has got to be because she’s hopelessly in love with you. Or something like that. You should report her for sexual harassment,’ he jokes and Ida laughs.
It goes without saying that Ida would never take it that far. It would backfire on her. Vague rumours are something else and loose talk can easily undermine a person’s position. They won’t know a thing until suddenly everything collapses around them and the rumour changes into a generally accepted truth.
The question is whether Kerstin Stålnacke is worth the trouble. Could be, if Ida isn’t chosen to lead the Lucia procession this year either.
By dessert time, they have run out of subjects to talk about. Erik has drunk almost the whole bottle of wine himself without noticing.
‘Would you like to go to my room now?’ he asks as soon as Ida has swallowed the last spoonful of ice cream.
‘Umm,’ she mumbles and looks away, because his smile makes her body crawl.
‘Or my parents’ room. What do you think? Their bed is bigger.’
‘Yuck, that’s such a creepy idea!’
He stiffens.
‘What I mean is, I’d feel so out of it,’ she adds in a milder tone and looks at him. ‘I like your bed.’
They walk downstairs to the basement, which Erik has had to himself ever since his brother moved out. Ida often gets a touch of claustrophobia in his bedroom, what with its narrow windows placed high up under the ceiling.
ErikLove drifts down from the floor above. Erik has turned the volume up.
It feels faked to have sex to his ‘sexy music’, like a rubbish erotic scene in a rubbish film. But Ida doesn’t comment. He was thinking about her when he spliced together the music on the list. He told her that he was, anyway.
‘You’re so gorgeous. The best-looking chick in Engelsfors,’ Erik says.
He kisses her neck, nibbles at her earlobe.
Warmth is beginning to ooze through her body. She caresses his back, pulls him closer. Suddenly, Erik stops kissing her.
‘Hey, you’re keen,’ he beams. The warm feeling evaporates and vanishes.
But it’s too late to back out. Ida starts wriggling out of her dress. She is not wearing a bra and Erik starts fondling her breasts at once, as well as carrying on kissing her neck. But her body no longer responds. She just wants it over and done with.
‘Come on, get your kit off,’ Ida says.
He laughs.
‘Super keen,’ he says as he fumbles with his fly zip.
Soon, they are in Erik’s bed, naked and turned towards each other. She tries to think sexy thoughts, but nothing catches hold, her mind just keeps going round, round, round. It seems disconnected from her body, from Erik.
‘Have you got your new pills?’ he asks.
Ida has no intention of taking contraceptive pills ever again. She had begun last summer, but all the time she was dead scared of getting a blood clot. Apparently, it’s a warning sign if one calf looks swollen compared with the other. After measuring her calves every evening for a month, she simply couldn’t hack it any more. She had told Erik that she must have lost the pills somewhere and he has been nagging about them ever since.
‘No, not yet. There’s some hassle about the prescription,’ she says.
Erik swears and starts rummaging for the condoms in the drawer of his bedside table.
Afterwards, she gets up to go to the bathroom, because it’s important to have a pee immediately or you might get a urinary tract infection. She examines her face in the mirror while she is washing her hands.
Why does everyone pretend that sex is so simple and natural and fantastic?
It’s exactly the other way round. The moment you start a sex life, a whole new world of problems opens. Hair or no hair? If hair, how much, how little, where? Am I supposed to move about? A lot? Or a little? How do I look when I do whatever it is? Is it normal that he tries whatever it is? Is it normal to feel like this? Do we have it too often, or not often enough? Can his parents hear us?
And if all that kind of thing wasn’t enough, there are could-be fatal risks of taking certain contraceptives, abortion panics and sexually transmitted diseases.
If you have to worry about all that, how on earth are you meant to enjoy sex? Ida thinks as she returns to the bedroom.
Erik is in bed. There is a pleased smile on his face.
‘Was that good for you?’ he asks as she crawls in under the duvet.
‘Mmmm, great,’ she mumbles and leans her head against his shoulder.
He reaches for the remote and zaps the TV on. The set is mounted on the wall opposite the bed. Ida edges closer to him.
And now she can’t keep her thoughts under control.
Surely, she thinks, it would be much better with Gustaf?
26
Vanessa is dancing, but the living-room floor in Evelina’s place is so crowded that dance moves are mostly about bouncing against other bodies that are sweating as much as hers is. The tune slips into a riff where only the underlying beat remains. The bass notes make the whole flat shake. Expecting the chorus to explode again, Vanessa raises her arms. She feels like a space rocket just before lift-off.
‘Happy birthday!’ she screams to Evelina and gives her a smacking kiss on the mouth.
And there is the chorus. Vanessa and Evelina jump up and down like crazies.
Vanessa feels so terrifically alive. Why shouldn’t she? Why should her life end, because Wille isn’t in it? Wille is a loser. She stumbles over to the bookshelf where she left her glass of booze and Coke, drinks until she feels less thirsty and carries on dancing.
The tune ends and is followed by a track with a hip-hop beat. A girl is rapping about how she tastes just like candy. Vanessa looks around. Evelina has disappeared. But there’s Jari, standing at the other end of the room. They were going to the same parties all summer, but she hasn’t seen him the way she does now. He smiles at her and comes over her way.
‘You’re having a good time,’ he says and pushes his dark fringe back from his face.
Instead of replying, Vanessa puts her glass down and drags him with her to the middle of the floor. With her arm round his neck, she moves to the beat of the music, so close to him that their bodies almost, but don’t quite, touch.
Jari tries to follow her. He is a little clumsy but it doesn’t matter, it’s just sweet.
‘Somebody told me you’re single now,’ he says.
She stumbles and their bodies are tightly pressed together. He puts his arm around her waist. Shit, he’s so sexy.
‘I had almost stopped hoping that you’d ever drop that idiot,’ he says close to her ear.
‘That makes two of us,’ Vanessa replies.
Evelina comes back and sneaks along to stand next to them.
‘Look, I’m sorry, but Michelle is freaking out, almost,’ she says. ‘The usual.’
Vanessa rolls her eyes. Michelle and Mehmet have been on and off since they started dating. This week, it’s off. So what? They’ll be all over each other before the party ends.
She turns to Jari, tells him she’ll be back soon, then takes Evelina’s hand and pushes her way through the crowd.
‘Have I got it right, it’s you and Jari now?’ Evelina says.
‘We’ll see.’
‘My mum always says the best way to get over one man is to get under another.’
‘So, that’s how she got to sleep with half the town?’ Vanessa says and they laugh and make yuck-noises.
The kitchen is if possible even more crowded. The music is drowned out by the loud, drunken voices. The sink is full of empty beer cans and plastic bottles and squeezed slices of lemon. Broken glass is crunching under Vanessa’s high heels.
Evelina leads the way to the balcony where a lot of guys are hanging out. They push through to where Michelle sits, crouched in a corner. She is crying. Her eye make-up is in such a mess she looks like a grief-stricken panda.
Vanessa isn’t absolutely certain that it isn’t because she’s drunk, but the floor seems to be at an angle. How many people can this rotten old balcony cope with? She doesn’t want to think about it
‘What’s happened?’ she says and sits down next to Michelle.
Michelle throws herself around Vanessa’s neck and sucks some snot up her nose with a moist sound.
‘Fucking Mehmet, he doesn’t give a shit about me!’
Vanessa strokes her back and glances upwards at Evelina.
‘So don’t give a shit about him,’ Vanessa says.
‘But … I … fucking … love … him!’ Michelle sobs. She seems close to choking on snot and tears and has to swallow several times before she can speak again.
‘He hasn’t paid attention to me all evening, like, not given me a glance. He just talks with Rickard non-stop.’
Vanessa hasn’t seen Mehmet for several hours and doesn’t know which Rickard Michelle means.
Evelina points discreetly towards the bedroom window next to the balcony door and Vanessa, still crouching, straightens up to look inside.
Mehmet is sitting on the bed belonging to Evelina’s mother, with one of the Engelsfors FC players next to him. Aha, that Rickard. A nice enough guy, with glasses, sort of good-looking but totally pointless, never known to talk about anything except football, protein drinks and match results. None of which is Mehmet’s favourite subject, but he still looks absorbed by whatever Rickard has got to say.
Vanessa sinks down to be close to Michelle again.
‘Who cares?’ she says. ‘Like, fuck it, Michelle. We are the best lookers at the party …’
Michelle looks up. Her eyes are red from crying but a smile is spreading over her face.
‘We are, aren’t we? You, Evelina and me.’
‘No question. And nobody, neither Mehmet nor Wille nor anyone can take that away from us. We are seventeen only once. A few years from now, do you think we’ll even remember these guys?’
Michelle laughs a little, a small snorting noise that makes a big bubble of snot inflate in one of her nostrils. Vanessa wipes it away with the hem of her dress. Then she dries the tears from Michelle’s cheeks. Vanessa’s dress becomes streaked with mascara.
‘Now, just chill,’ she says.
Michelle nods and Evelina helps them both up on their feet. Vanessa’s head suddenly goes into a spin.
‘Do you know what we need, girls?’ Evelina says. ‘More booze!’
A couple of hours later, Vanessa is lying back on the tufty sofa in the living room. It is rocking her gently, as if it is afloat on a gentle sea. The voices and the music around her seem to be woven into a wall of sound that makes her drowsy. It’s all Evelina’s fault, her and her shots of whatever. Vanessa giggles. She loves her friends. Just now, she loves everyone.
‘Feeling good?’ someone says close to her ear and she slowly opens her eyes.
Jari. His face is very close to hers.
‘Never better,’ she replies and then, suddenly, feels completely awake.
Alert and somehow charged with energy that must have an outlet. Instantly. Time to test the validity of Evelina’s mum’s theory.
She lifts her head and kisses him. And he doesn’t hesitate. Kisses her back.
Jari’s mouth is warm and soft. Vanessa’s lips start tingling in response. She relaxes back on the sofa again and he follows her, covers her body with his. She allows her hands to slip in under his T-shirt. Somebody wolf-whistles at them and they start laughing, still nuzzling each other’s lips.
Hope Wille hears about this, she thinks.
And that’s it.
One thought and the atmosphere is ruined. Her nerve endings stop reacting to Jari’s touch. Now the only thing she can think about is how different his kisses are from Wille’s, his lingering, firm lips.
Jari is too eager.
Vanessa shuts her eyes, tries to lose herself in the feeling that was so strong a moment ago. But when Jari’s hand fumbles along her hip, she twists away.
Oh, fuck. This isn’t working. Fuck Wille. Fuck everything.
Vanessa places one hand on Jari’s chest and pushes him away. He looks surprised.
‘What’s the matter?’
‘Nothing.’
Jari looks so anxious she tries to smile. She really likes him. Only, it isn’t him she wants to kiss just now.
‘I simply realised I have to get home.’
Jari gets up from the sofa at the same time as Vanessa. She totters and he holds out his arm to support her.
‘Will you be all right? Would you like me to walk you home?’
Vanessa shakes her head.
‘I’ll be fine,’ she says and wishes it were true.
The night is dark and scented with decaying greenery. Whatever the heat is trying to make the citizens believe, the fact is that autumn has come. September.
Vanessa has to cover one eye to make out what she is texting to Evelina.
wnt home <3 <3 <3
She can hear bellowing men and laughing women further along the street. Thumping music. The sounds from Götis. She screws up her eyes to read the time on her mobile. Twelve-thirty. Half an hour to go before closing time. They’ll be in top gear in there.
Groups of people are clustered near the entrance. They stumble, gabble, cling to each other. The middle-aged ones are the most sozzled, though they ought to have had enough time to learn to deal with alcohol. As she passes, Vanessa catches fragments of their talk. The negotiations are rolling. Who is going home with whom, who is throwing a latenighter, who has to walk home alone?
Looking in through a window, Vanessa catches sight of a young couple in the bar. They are standing so close together they have surely just fallen in love. The girl’s dark, shiny ponytail rocks when she starts laughing.
Vanessa wonders at how naively happy they are, asks herself how that can be. Is it possible to forget how microscopically small the chance is that a relationship will last? Will she ever be like those two again? As of now, she feels in a risk zone, about to start a lifetime of bitterness.
Then everything happens very quickly.
Jonte turns up in the bar.
The girl turns to him and smiles and there’s something vaguely familiar about her profile.
Her boyfriend playfully puts his hand under her chin and kisses her on the lips.
Vanessa stops in mid-step when she sees his face.
Wille. It is Wille. His cheeks shaved, his hair cut in a new way. He is wearing a black T-shirt that fits more tightly than his old ones.
Vanessa’s innards have transformed into a bunch of slithery, wet snakes that writhe around each other. She runs to the back of Götis, stops to lean forward over a small bush next to the parking lot. The retching is rough, even violent, but produces nothing except clear, rubbery saliva.
She straightens up. Aware that she has just had a terribly bad idea. But impossible to resist.
She shuts her eyes. Tries to focus on her power and notes that it’s that much harder when you’re drunk. She tries so hard she feels nauseous again, but then magic wafts over her skin. She slides into invisibility. One deep breath and then she walks towards the entrance to Götis.
The Council has forbidden them to use their magic. All magic. That rat Alexander tried to scare them, telling them that there were spies everywhere. But how are the spies, if there actually are any, meant to keep an eye on someone who is invisible? She sticks both her long fingers up in the air and twirls in a full circle, just in case.
Vanessa glides past the bored bouncer who sits propped up on a tall stool and stares into the middle distance.
That’s the one who threw her and Evelina out in the summer. Vanessa has to do something. She pinches his ear, fast and hard. He leaps up from his stool and looks wildly around. She laughs and walks past him into the nightclub.
In here, the heat is tropical. The air stinks of bodies, alcohol and desperation. The DJ is playing an old dance tune that Mum likes listening to sometimes. Vanessa crosses the dance floor, where the strobe lights make everything dreamlike.
She pushes past a group of girls and accidentally bumps into one of them so that she tumbles on to the floor in a bundle of long legs and flowery fabric.
The others are killing themselves laughing.
Sorry about that, Vanessa thinks and goes to the bar.
She sees Jonte in profile. He is drinking beer from the bottle.
Vanessa rounds a pillar and sees Wille and the girl with the dark hair. They are seated on bar stools now.
So this is Elin.
She is lovely. Fuck it, she is truly beautiful. High cheekbones, perfectly plucked eyebrows, skin that looks as if it is treated to expensive creams every evening.
And now Vanessa recognises her. Elin works in the bank at Storvall Square. It was she who escorted Nicolaus and Vanessa down to the safe room with the bank deposit boxes.
Vanessa had been invisible that time, too.
The chick he cheated on you with. You have seen her once, but she’s never seen you.
Vanessa is beginning to feel insanely fed up with Mona always being right, sod her.
She glides closer until she is standing next to them. Elin has turned towards Wille again. He looks fixedly at her, as if hypnotised.
Vanessa feels as if she has tumbled straight into a parallel universe. Only a few weeks ago, Wille was the most important human being in her life, the person her days were centred around. They were engaged; one day she would leave Engelsfors together with him. And now he’s sitting here and looking at someone else with an expression on his face that Vanessa knows so very well, because that is how he has looked at her.
The snakes in Vanessa’s belly are coming back to life. Her mouth fills with saliva and she swallows hard.
‘What do you think? Time to go home?’ Elin says. Her smile suggests only one thing.
And Wille, who never leaves a party if there are still drinks or drugs to be had, nods willingly and kisses her.
