No More Fear, page 12
“And that’s why I didn’t ask, darlin’. I know you’ve got a lot of catching up to do, so there’s no pressure here, baby.”
“You have no idea how much I appreciate that.”
“I do, darlin’. Remember, it wasn’t for long, mind you, but I did work for Robert for a while.”
“I know.”
Another silence.
“I should go, baby. I hate to, but with Tammy coming over, I lost a good three hours of work.”
“No, darlin’, that’s okay. I’ll let you go for now. I just wanted to hear your voice.”
“I miss you so much.” I feel a lump in my throat, but I swallow it down.
“There isn’t a moment that I’m not thinking about you, beautiful.” He says and I can’t fight it. The tears start dribbling down my cheeks.
“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Chad says. He’s almost pleading.
“It’s okay. You just…you say the sweetest things to me sometimes.” He does, but with him seven hours away, my emotions are starting to get the better of me.
“Well, I just tell it like it is, baby. I love you and I want you to know I do every time we speak to each other.”
“I know. And I love you, too.” I gasp. “I just…I feel so awful that I don’t have the time to talk to you all night or come see you for Thanksgiving, or do all those things that my heart is telling me to do. It makes me sick just thinking about it, Chad.”
“I know it, baby.” He says softly. “I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I wish I could drive out there and hold you, but I’ve got my responsibilities here, too. Between my brothers and I, we’re keeping watch on mama around the clock. It seems to be suiting her well. And I get that you have to make a living and all, but at the same time, so do I. I know I shot my mouth off and made my own bed while I was in El Paso, but that’s something that I have to deal with.”
“I know, Chad.” I sniffle. “What we have is a pretty complicated situation. And together we have to make the best of it.”
“I think we’re doing okay.”
“I think so, too.”
“Making you cry set to the side, of course.” He half teases.
I chuckle a little. “It was coming, honey. I’ve been feeling it for the past few days since I haven’t heard from you.”
“Well, love, when you feel that way, you can always call me, too.”
“I can.”
“Okay, baby. I’ll let you go for now. Let you get back to work.”
“Okay. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
…and in the next few weeks, there will be plenty more of these moments, but foolishly, I don’t heed Chad’s advice.
Chapter 11
Chad
Thanksgiving is a bit strange without daddy. Not that he brought any merriment to the occasion. Usually it was more a case of hiding the booze or going to find daddy, who was out hiding, drinking said booze. And I could never get through a meal without him picking on me for something. Needless to say, the last few Thanksgivings weren’t memorable. While mama finds herself lost when it’s time to carve the turkey, seeing as that was always daddy’s job, no matter how slaughtered the thing got because daddy was seeing double while carving it, Chuck, bless him, had some forethought and practiced on some roasted chickens beforehand.
“Oh, what a lovely job!” Mama gushes as Chuck slices through the turkey like butter. She’s so proud of him I think it negates any longing thoughts she may be having of daddy.
And as if I thought that I was finally going to get through one Thanksgiving dinner without being put on the spot, Quin decides to volley one to me. “So, where’s this hot chick you hooked up with back in El Paso? How come you didn’t invite her down for Thanksgiving dinner with your mama?” he chews righteously, giving me a wink that says, ‘take that’.
Mama’s dipping her turkey into a dollop of gravy. She sets her fork down and gives me a look. “You met a girl in El Paso?”
“Thanks, asshole.” I mutter to Quin. Then I address mama. “Yes, I was staying with a girl while I was there.”
Her eyes widen. “You were living with her?”
Why don’t you dig the hole deeper, stupid. “Well, kind of. But it was only because she didn’t want me staying in the fleabag motel that I was staying at before I met her.”
“How did you meet her?” Mama asks. Except Quin and Cal, who already knew about Rachel, my other two brothers are staring at me.
Quin chimes in. “She’s also a lawyer. Met up with her at the firm. That’s how he got his ass fired. For doing one of the staff.” He snickers.
“You know, I figured Chuck would be acting his age here, seeing as he’s still a kid, but I suppose your brain never matured past fifteen, dickwad.” I say to Quin. “How are you a doctor? Seriously.” I ask rhetorically, picking up a slice of turkey with added vigor, taking my frustrations out on my dinner.
Mama tips her head, looking at me with the same look she used to give me when I once lost my favorite law book. “Oh, Chad. Is that how it happened?”
“Sort of.” I admit. “I ran my mouth off at the head partner there, not that he didn’t deserve it, because believe me, he did, and I walked out of there right quick.”
“So you quit then? You didn’t get fired?”
“He would have fired me. Hell, I would have fired me.”
“And this girl…is it over between you and her?” The way she asks me, it’s like I’m breaking my mama’s heart by denying her the one and only chance of having one of her sons marry and bring her grandchildren.
“No, we still talk, mama. But it’s complicated.” I explain. “She lives seven hours away and works for a very demanding law firm. She hasn’t got time for herself let alone for me.”
“Oh…Chad.” Mama says, reaching for my cheek. I didn’t know my expression was so sullen until she strokes my cheek with her finger. “You fell in love with her.”
I nod. “Yes, ma’am.”
“There’s always phone sex.” Quin teases.
Mama shoots him a glare that says that he better shut his mouth before he gets a licking. It works.
“Why don’t you go see her, love?” mama suggests.
“I would, but even if I did, mama, she’s so busy. Hell, when we were living under the same roof, between both of us working for this Nazi asshole, we barely had time for one another.”
“But you’re not that busy with Gary, are you?”
“He’s not a Nazi asshole with a yacht and small case load, mama. Gary works as hard as all of us, and he has a heart. The man paid me for the time while I was gone, just because he was so glad to see me back. It’s like I never left.”
“It sounds like you ought to get this girl a place with Gary.” Mama states.
“It’s not that easy, mama. All her family is in El Paso. Well, almost all her family. Two of her brothers live in Huttonville, right next door, and she’s been with this creep for more than ten years.”
“Does she love you?”
I tilt my head. “She’s said as much. But I’m not sure that that’s enough, mama.”
“Sometimes it isn’t, sweetheart.” Mama says, grasping my hand. “But you’ve got to give it a chance.”
“I’m trying, mama. Really, I am.”
“How? By talking about her, jackass?” Quin taunts.
“Since when are you the expert? When was the last time you brought a girl home?” I argue back.
“More recent than you.” He scoffs. And it’s true. Quin had a girlfriend a couple of years ago, but it didn’t work out. I’m guessing because of his mouth or his attitude?
“Remember that blonde I brought home once?” Cal reminisces.
“Yeah, what ever happened to her? Man, she was hot.” Devon asks.
“She was only interested in me because I was fixing her horse is all. Once I gave her my services for free, she got what she wanted and bailed.
“Yeah, but did you get what you wanted?” Chuck teases.
Cal lifts a brow. “A gentleman never tells.”
“I bet Chad got what he wanted.” Quin jokes, chuckling.
“Shut up, dimwit. I love her.” I say, elbowing him.
“If you love her so much, you should go see her, man.” Devon says.
“Like I said, it’s not that easy. The girl is up to her ears in work right now. I wouldn’t be doing her any favors by paying her a visit.”
“Chad, I’m sure that the girl would welcome you with opens arms if she loves you.” Mama argues gently.
“Maybe so, but she’s got so much on the go I don’t want to stress her out. Plus, mama, I don’t want to leave you alone.”
“I’m not alone, sweetie. There are five boys that are keeping me company. If you need to go away for a little while, it’ll be fine.”
“See, that’s the thing, mama. I just got back after being away, and with Gary paying me and all, I can’t do that to him, either. It’s a wall no matter which way you slice it.”
“Y’all got to make a living, too.” Cal adds.
I gesture to him. “Yes, exactly.”
Mama looks at me squarely. “Chad, honey, yes, you have to make a living, but you also need to do what’s right. There isn’t anything stopping you from going out there for a visit this weekend. It’s a long weekend, after all. You can spend the day with her tomorrow and come home Sunday night. Nobody would be the wiser.”
“She’s working all weekend, mama. She told me so herself.”
Cal lifts one side of his mouth up into a careful smirk. “Y’all think maybe she’s just telling you she’s working so you won’t come up? Maybe she’s trying to end it with you, brother. Not trying to be an ass in telling you that, but it’s a gut feeling. Just being honest.”
“No, I appreciate that, Cal. And I can see where you’re coming from, but even before I left, she was busy as a beaver, and I know that the Nazi dispersed my case load to her and the others, so it only mounted from there.”
He draws in a deep breath like he’s mildly exasperated. “Seems to me though, if she was madly in love with you, she’d be begging you to visit.”
“Yeah, and wild horses couldn’t keep me away from the woman I love…if I had one.” Devon says.
“The closest thing you’ve had to a woman is your goddamn Miss Pac Man doll, dude.” Chuck says.
“Like you’re any better.” Devon states flatly.
“All you boys aren’t going to be bringing me any grandchildren with these sorry attitudes.” Mama states. “Now quiet down and eat your supper.”
And I try to eat, but I’ve lost my appetite. Something about what Cal said is getting to me. Is there a grain of truth to what he said? Does she really want to end things with me? I want like hell to go see her, but what’s keeping me is thinking that she’s so goddamn busy it’ll just add to her stress. If she wasn’t working for that shit for brains asshole, I wouldn’t be worrying about anything like this. I’d be packing my bags to go stay with her as long as I could. Or she’d be driving out here to stay with me. I know it.
As much as I try to talk myself into calling her or going to see her, Cal’s voice is ringing inside my conscience. And I rewind the last couple of weeks, since I left El Paso, and realize that I’ve been the one initiating contact. Rachel hasn’t called me once. It’s always been me calling her. And I wonder if that’s indicative of what’s going on here for real. Maybe Cal does have a point. I decide to wait it out and not pick up the phone for her and see if she calls me.
Monday morning I’m starting to feel devastated. Rachel hasn’t so much as texted me all weekend. Then a week goes by and I still haven’t heard from her, and I start to wonder why I’m even wasting my thoughts or my energy on her. I love her to bits, but it seems like the love isn’t being reciprocated anymore. Maybe her supposed love was one of convenience. Maybe when the going gets tough, she walks. Is that true love? I don’t think so. But the pain in the pit of my stomach is telling me not to give up.
Before I know it, it’s the week before Christmas, and not so much as a word has come from Rachel. I’ve all but given up hope, when finally, the phone rings and it’s her. “Hi.” Is all I open with.
“Hey. God, Chad, I don’t even know where to start.”
I’m silent, bracing myself. Dumping someone over the phone is the lowest of the low, especially after so much time has passed. Why she couldn’t do this weeks ago is beyond me.
“My sister-in-law’s been in the hospital, and my brother has been beside himself. My brother Kurt and his fiancé have been planning a wedding during Christmas. It’s just…it’s been a whirlwind of craziness. Plus, my case load is still disgusting, and I’ve spoken to Robert about it.”
My heart sinks. I feel so bad. I want to kick myself in the ass for thinking so selfishly. “I’m so sorry, honey. I wish you had called me. I might have been able to at least help support you in some way. Tell me what’s going on with Laura.”
“She’s in the hospital. In and out, basically, over the last few weeks, but now they’ve decided to keep her in indefinitely. She nearly lost the baby more than once. She’s got both Grayson and Clint looking after her night and day, and from the looks of it, she most certainly will be at the hospital during Christmas. My family is devastated, and I can’t get away from work to offer support.”
“My God, Rachel. I’m so sorry, honey.”
“I’m so sorry for not calling you. It seems like I have you on my mind and something else comes up. It’s so distracting worrying about so much.”
“I can’t even imagine. Gosh, you’re making me look bad over here. I just have my mama to look after, with a team of four other brothers helping me.”
“I don’t blame you if you’re upset, Chad. If the shoe were on the other foot, I’d feel the same way.”
“Well, I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that I thought…well, I think you know. I don’t have to tell you.”
“No, I know.” She says, but I notice that she’s not using any of the sweet sentiments she used to use. She’s calling me by my name or not at all. There’s no ‘honey’ or ‘sweetie’ or anything. Although her call is in good faith, I still feel like I’m on the chopping block. As much as I hate to say it or even think it, I can’t help but feel that this is all just an excuse.
I decide to give it one last kick at the can. “Baby, I know that this isn’t really the time, but I really want to see you for Christmas. Now, it doesn’t matter to me how that goes down; whether you drive here, or I drive there, but I want to see you, baby. It’s been too long.”
“I’ve got a case coming up the day after Boxing Day. I wasn’t sure if it was going to settle out of court or not, but it looks like it’s not. I have to prepare for it over Christmas, and with Laura being in the hospital, the family is postponing festivities until after, which bodes well for me. Can I come and see you after Christmas? When I come in to Huttonville?”
Well, that’s a little promising. “Okay. That would work, sweetie. I understand.” I lick my lips. “So, what did you say to Robert?”
“Told him I’m slipping. That I can’t handle this case load. I told him that I’ve slept no more than three hours in the last two months, and I can’t go on like this. Days blend together. The only way that I know it’s a weekend is because I can’t meet with clients. I started thinking the other day that I hate weekends, because they hold me back from getting my work done.”
“And?”
“He took me off walk-in responsibility for a while. Told me that he has something coming down the pipeline as far as hiring someone. It helps a little, but not for a while.”
My fist is balling up. Half of me wants to hop into my truck just so I can drive out to El Paso and punch Robert square in the jaw. That woman is going to break. I can feel it. I can hear it in her voice. “Baby, I’m worried about you.”
“You sound like my mama, my brothers, and worst of all, Tammy.”
“I hope that she’s at least coming to check up on you.”
“Oh, she is. She was here in the middle of the night the other night to prove a point.”
“And what was that?”
“Her daughter had been up with a bad dream and she said to herself ‘I bet that Rachel is still up working’, so she hopped in her car and came knocking on my door. I was still up, working, and she gave me an earful for it.”
“I ought to drive out there and give her a big hug for that. Hate to say it.”
“No, you’re right, and so was she.” She chuckles a little. “That girl took all my paperwork off my bed, turned out my light and told me that if I didn’t go to sleep that she’d burn all my documents.”
“I bet that worked.”
“It did. And she told me that she’d be paying me spontaneous visits, so I’d better be prepared.”
“I really like this girl.” I chuckle.
“That’s why she’s my best friend.”
I decide to change the subject. “So, your brother Kurt’s decided to tie the knot over Christmas?”
“Yeah, he and Lisa set a date, and they want to do it over Christmas.”
I decide to be bold. “Do you need a date for the wedding?”
“I’m not sure that that’s a great idea, Chad. I mean, my family doesn’t even know about you yet, and you haven’t met any of them.”
Got it. “Okay.” My heart sinks. This girl doesn’t want a future with me. The writing is on the wall. Enough said. As much as I love her and I so want to be with her more than anything else, I also know that relationships only work if both parties feel the same way. Clearly, Rachel does not. Sighing, feeling the bile in my throat build up, I say. “I should let you go. I’m sure you have plenty of work to do.”
“Yeah, I do, actually.” She says, resigned.
I don’t know how long it will take or if I ever will be able to get over Rachel, because I’ve never felt the way I do about anybody else, but I know in my heart that she has placed me second to her career, and the fact that we now live seven hours away from each other is just a nail in the casket of what could have been a lifelong love. But I decide to tell her one more time for posterity. “I love you, Rachel.”
