One Verse Multi, page 11
“Okay, Martin, is it just FOX Tidus?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you’ve observed eight other Tiduses closely.”
“Yeah?”
“Does your openness to feelings carry to the others?”
I hadn’t thought about it much. “I feel like FOX Tidus is my…is the top of the list.”
“How are you analyzing your feelings?” he asked.
“What?”
His voice was closer to curious than frustrated or disappointed. “Assuming a scale of interest, what parameters are you using to rank them?”
I laughed. “Jeez, have you never dated?”
He laughed too. “I haven’t really.”
“With the other Tiduses, it’s like watching remakes of a character in a story.”
“Like Cinderella,” Hugo said.
I squinted at him. “Sure. There’ve been many, but there’s probably one you like best.”
“I see. And FOX Tidus is it?”
“Yeah.”
My heart was beating hard. I didn’t want to talk about Tidus or Luca. I didn’t know how to talk about them both. Even with Wei, I had been nervous. Everyone had too much at stake: friendships, research, career, heart.
“Well, I’m going to go over the data you collected on the Tiduses so far and do a week of my own observation. I have been mulling over biases in our data collection process anyway. I mean, you like the Tiduses and Tamar hates everyone, so if I’m going to be critical of you, then I must be critical of her. I feel like this’ll help me kill two birds.”
“Two?”
“I can check your work and see if the Tidus results are compromised, and I can make a comparison of your data with mine to see if the analysis overall would benefit from having us continuing observations but switch subjects. I was thinking about the law of averages.”
“I don’t know what that is,” and before he could say anything, I added, “don’t bother.”
“Fair enough,” he said with a laugh. His expression went serious again. “I’m also going to make Tamar lead on the next Tidus, ACE Tidus. You’ll go with her since you’re still the Tidus expert. And I figure even if either of you flirt with him, this one is both married and monogamous.”
“Fair,” I said.
“Let’s get some rest,” Hugo said, standing.
I didn’t stand. “H?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry if this is a setback or if…”
He patted my shoulder. “It’s not a bag of nails yet.”
I stood. I had to ask, even though I didn’t want to. “Wei mentioned that you noticed me and Luca?”
He turned to look out at the rocking ocean, and suddenly he was a wizened frontiersman in one of his shitty westerns. “Now, a man’s heart is his own business. And Luca and I have been friends for a long time. It’s not my place to comment one way or another, but I think you learned a lesson about honesty today. Or maybe about timing. Either way, I do know it’s nice to see him care about someone again.”
Hugo started toward the door that would lead us inside. I followed.
Section 11
It just became a bag of nails
“Good morning, everyone,” Hugo said, wiping his sleeve across his forehead. He’d been forced to give us Saturday off since he and most of HQ had food poisoning. Sunday had him on his feet, for better or worse.
Tamar went over to him and put her arm to his temple. “You’re hot.”
“I’m on a prescription from the medics. I’ll be all right. We have work to do. I need a volunteer to go with Martin to the FAX universe.”
“I went with him for ACE Tidus,” Tamar said. “I’ve met my quota.”
Kiki held up their hands. “I did RUE Tidus. I don’t want to go back to Florida.”
The way some of the days were starting to run together, I wished I could opt out too. I didn’t know how many more Tiduses I could take, even though there were literally thousands to go.
“I’ll go.”
We all turned to the voice. It was Mason. He stood and shouldered a backpack. He still looked more goth than not, but he also looked approachable for any A-class universe.
“I’d be happy to have you come with me. You know you’re awesome even if you stay, right?”
I trusted Mason to know his boundaries way better than I did, but I couldn’t help feeling protective of him. PTSD was no joke. And maybe if he didn’t go I didn’t have to.
“I believe in us,” he said. He crossed the room and put an arm over my shoulder.
Hugo couldn’t do much but agree, especially since no one else wanted to go. We listened to Hugo’s brief on FAX Tidus and how pleased he was that we were getting even anecdotal evidence.
* * *
FAX Tidus was a student and bartender. He was also the least focused and most ambivalent of the Tiduses. Mason and I were going to the bar to hang out and get an idea of how to approach him.
“I haven’t been to a bar in a long time,” Mason said softly.
Mason had Wei’s camera because Wei trusted him more than me to get a decent picture. He snapped a photo of me as we passed a shop. The universes felt like they were blurring. The street the bar was on was generally the same longitude and latitude as the coffee shop FOX Tidus worked in, but this version of the city wasn’t a queer community.
“You ever wonder what it’d be like to live in the verses?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Yes. In my own verse I was pretty lost. When I was first recruited, I used to dream about going to another verse and living a different life.”
I looked in the windows of a furniture store. “Why not pursue it?”
“I found people I care about. I found work I care about.”
“Take another photo of Martin,” Tamar said in our ears.
I turned and gave the camera the finger as Mason snapped the photo.
“Do I look weird?” I asked.
“Always,” Tamar said. “You’re just brighter than usual. You must be picking up a lot of debris from universe hopping.”
“I bet.” Pieces of universes tended to stick as people moved through them, but they always found their way back to their home-verse somehow.
“Wait, go back to that store.”
I immediately backtracked.
“Buy that magazine, with the woman on it.”
The woman was a Nobel Prize winner, and I knew she had been in the photo of the founders. Mason followed happily and silently as I went into the convenience store and bought the magazine. I put it in his backpack, and we continued.
“What about you?”
“What about me?” I answered.
“Do you wonder about living in a verse?”
“I do. I’d probably live in my own if it came to that. I have family.”
“That’s nice. What would you do for a job?”
“I’d probably be a stripper.”
Mason laughed.
“Or a singing telegram guy.”
“Can you sing?”
“Nope.”
We got to the bar early enough to beat the crowd to the counter. A bartender carded us and asked what we wanted. I ordered a beer I didn’t plan to drink, and Mason asked to see a food menu. The bar was a corner shop under a tower of condos, all brick and spray paint. It was filling up with half-dressed tan men and women.
“I don’t know why, but I expected this to be a gay bar,” I said.
Mason looked at me sideways. “How can you tell it’s not?”
I gestured around to what looked like mostly heterosexual pairs and groups of women. I had the distinct feeling of having stumbled into some kind of ladies’ night.
“Hello,” Tidus said.
He looked at Mason. Well, he looked at Mason’s menu, disengaged. His hair was shiny and black, straightened and combed back. His T-shirt was black with the name of the bar in red spray paint across his chest.
“Have you made up your mind?” he asked.
“I’d like an order of street fries,” Mason said.
Tidus nodded politely and put out his hand for the menu. Mason gave it to him and grinned at me. Tidus’s gaze lazily followed, so I ordered the first beer on the big list on the wall. He looked away, but his eyes snapped back to my face almost instantly. They narrowed then widened. He looked like he wanted to say something, but someone from the other side of the bar called his name and he left. Mason and I looked at each other, shrugging.
“He seems like the black sheep,” Mason said.
“Yeah, considering every other one we met embodies the phrase ‘out and proud.’ What’re you going to say to him?”
“I’m probably going to ask about the bar.”
I doubted this Tidus would engage with that. The Tiduses liked the paranormal, dogs, and gay shit. Nothing about the bar went to any of those topics. I watched this Tidus. He looked at the floor as some guy explained something to him, nodding along in that dead-inside way. Then again, maybe this bar was a safe bet with this guy, considering what he might be trying to hide.
I looked around the room. “I wonder if we could get him to recommend something. Tiduses like to recommend. I bet if we say we’re new to the area, we might be able to get him to talk.”
I watched a big, tan blond guy shove a bigger, tanner brunette dude. The brunette took a step back and bumped into a table of women. That seemed to have been introduction enough because both guys ended up leaning their humongous arms on the table, each engaging one woman, leaving a third to pretend to be on her phone.
“Here’s your fries,” Tidus said, placing Mason’s food in front of him and a beer in front of me.
His gaze landed on me again. “Do I know you?”
I tried to play it off. “Naw, I doubt it.”
Tidus seemed unconvinced. “You’re so familiar. Did you go to Shepard University?”
“We’re new to the area,” Mason said.
I smiled at Tidus. “We’re from Denver.”
“Huh…I…” Tidus looked injured for a small moment. He turned a blank expression on Mason. “I’m going to go check on your fries.”
We both tried to stop him, since the fries were in front of us. But Tidus was gone before we could say anything. Mason looked at me as soon as Tidus was out of earshot.
“He recognizes you too.”
When Tamar and I interviewed ACE Tidus last week, he thought he remembered me, and the same thing with RUE Tidus Kiki and I met. It was starting to freak me out. We didn’t get to discuss it, though, because Tidus was back. His eyes were locked on my face, and I saw a familiar determination. He had something in his head, and he was going for it.
“Martin,” he said.
“What’s up?”
Mason gasped, and Tidus cocked his hip in a familiar pose. I didn’t realize what answering to my own name meant until FAX Tidus spoke.
“How’d I know your name if I don’t know you?”
“I don’t know. I probably said it.” I shrugged, taking a sip of beer. It was too bitter for me, but it gave me something to do.
Tidus was a picture of emotions. I could read the surprise and hurt and confusion on his face. There was tension in his posture, and he looked hostile. My heart started to race.
“No…I…who are you?”
“What’s your problem?” I snapped, hoping being rude would chase him off.
Tidus took a step toward me, staring into my eyes, waiting for me to explain. I said nothing.
“I know you. I swear to God, I…”
Tidus’s eyes lost focus for a second as he tried to remember. Then without looking anywhere, he said, “The…the grays don’t blow things up.”
I didn’t register anything after those words until Mason put his hand on my arm. I heard my name being said calmly, but I ignored that. I dropped the beer bottle, and it shattered. All I could see was the look of horror on Tidus’s face. We backed away from each other, him into the barback, the glass bottles rattling as he pressed against the shelf. I backed into someone but didn’t stop.
“Mason, we have to leave, right now,” I practically screamed.
I turned and ran. I didn’t stop running until I was barfing in an alley behind a dry cleaner’s. I gagged, and my breath wouldn’t catch. How? How could he have known that?
“Holy hell, Martin what was that?” Mason asked. He had run after me. He stepped closer, showing the pale of his palms. “Tell me what I can do. Is this a panic attack? Can you speak to me?”
I wiped tears from my face and doubled over again.
“I’m going to put my hands on you. I’m going to help you. You have to breathe, Martin.”
I felt his hands on my shoulders. I heard a bottle rattle, and I felt the panic rise again. I looked up and looked around. It felt unnaturally dark. It looked closed off and sinister and unknowable.
“We have to leave, we have to tune away,” I gasped.
The bottle rattled again, and Tidus stepped into the light of a street lamp just at the entrance of the alley. I saw another figure with him. It was shadow but it was so similar. The world was black around the edges, but I could see his face clearly in the light. I knew in that moment I had failed.
“Okay, here we go, okay?” I heard Mason say.
* * *
I buried my hands in the sand. A gull, a breeze and the…clicking of texting? I opened my eyes and looked around. Mason was sitting nearby. The sound I thought was texting was exactly that. It was Mason typing into his sequencer.
“Where are we?” I asked. My mouth tasted as sandy as the ground we were lying on.
“Our HQ-verse. I let the boat know where we are, all we have to do is walk to the shore. What happened?”
“God, I can’t even…how much of that was real, Mas?”
Mason shrugged and dug some water out of his backpack. “Start with what you remember last.”
“I remember Tidus in the alley,” I said.
He nodded, his face unchanged. When his eyes met mine all I could see was understanding. Mason was handsome. He reminded me of my brother when we were young.
“That part wasn’t real, he was never in the alley.”
“Okay.” I rubbed at the spot behind my ear where the earpiece should have been.
“I took off your com,” Mason said, holding up the magnet.
“Why?”
“Panic attacks are sometimes very public.”
“No shit,” I said thinking of the three or four people I plowed through in the bar.
Mason smiled. “I like to find as much privacy as I can when processing the super-public ones. I feel like I get to choose at least that much. I thought I’d offer it to you. We can turn them back on if you want.”
I shook my head and drank more water. I lay back in the sand, knowing I’d be scratching sand out of my locs for weeks. “Thank you.”
Mason let the silence sit. I stared up into the enormity of the sky. The stars had different names in some of the verses, but they were almost always where you expected them to be when you looked up.
“Did you hear what Tidus said?” I asked.
“The grays don’t blow things up?”
I nodded.
“There were other Tiduses who thought they recognized you.”
“Yeah, thought,” I said. As I tried to say the next part, I could feel my guts turn over again. I wanted to throw myself into the water and sink. “Mas, I said that to FOX Tidus two months ago, at my last rift encounter. I just assumed they all thought I looked like someone else, but this Tidus knew me.”
His eyes narrowed as he pieced together what I was saying. “But that would mean—whoa!”
I rubbed my face. “Yeah, I don’t know what it means either. This one not only knew my name, but he knew what I’d said months ago to a counterpart. I’ve really fucked us over.”
Mason put a hand on my chest. “You’re not to blame. You might be involved, but that is correlation, not causation. Hell, maybe you even solved the damn thing.”
I laughed. It helped.
“How the fuck am I going to explain to Hugo what happened?”
“They’ll understand. I’m sorry the impact of this has made you feel alone. But you aren’t.”
“Thank you.”
“The boat’s here…well, about a mile over there,” he said.
It took four hours to get back to HQ, which made it three a.m. when our boat docked. The whole team was waiting for us. I could see their shadows at the end of the gangway, huddling in the chilly night air. Their voices carried a little across the water. I had tried to formulate an explanation on the boat, but I couldn’t really piece it together.
When we reached the others, Hugo greeted Mason with a nod and a pat on the shoulder. Then he hugged me. The physical portion of it was brief and slightly painful since Hugo was a dense guy and his grip was tight. The emotional impact was blunt and deep. When he stepped back, he put his hands in his pockets like he always did when he was dumbfounded. This gave room for Tamar and Kiki to step forward. Neither hugged me, but I could feel their worry.
“What the hell happened?” Hugo said, his expression pure concern.
“It just became a bag of nails.”
Section 12
Merde
No one said anything. Hugo just tossed his arm around my shoulders and started back inside. I could feel everyone else’s sympathy. It felt nice. It felt like being home. Everyone seemed to share my sense of exhaustion, so we went to the more relaxing common room in the research lab. Hugo let go of me as soon as we got there.
He went around turning on lamps, which warmed the room with gentle light. Then he offered to make everyone coffee or tea. I agreed to coffee with the majority. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth, then I came back out and sat at the piano.
