Nellie's Heartbreak, page 27
‘It’s just that Mrs Jones was good to me,’ I said. ‘She taught me the basics of cooking and gave me those recipe books.’
‘The ones you’ve almost worn out?’ Maud nodded. ‘Of course you must go. The least you can do is to visit, especially as she’s a bit poorly.’
‘That’s the only reason I’m going. I think she’s really ill, Maud. It might be my only chance to see her again before…’ I stopped and blinked away the sudden tears. ‘But I still don’t feel easy in my mind. I’ve left an order with all our regular suppliers – and you won’t forget to have the gas man round to that cooker, will you?’
‘You wrote it down on the list,’ she said. ‘Now where… ah, yes, here it is. He’s coming on Tuesday, in the morning.’
‘Yes, I made the appointment myself. I’m not happy with the way it’s working, though sometimes it’s fine. Anyway, he’ll sort it out for you. Oh, don’t forget to check the blackout curtains are shut at night. We haven’t had any bombs here yet, but there’s always the first time.’ I kissed Maud’s cheek, then held my daughter up to do the same. ‘Say bye bye to Aunty then, Samantha.’
She planted a wet kiss on Maud’s cheek and mumbled something that sounded a bit like Aunty Maud in her baby talk. She had delighted us both a few days earlier by saying her first words, and since then Maud had been eagerly listening for her own name.
She stood in the doorway to wave us off before going back inside to start preparing the first batch of spiced bread for the morning’s customers.
I wheeled Samantha’s pushchair to the bus stop, waiting patiently for the right number to take us to the station. I was still uneasy in my mind as the conductor helped us on board and punched the fare into his ticket machine, winding them out with a little handle as I settled down with Samantha on my lap. There was no real reason why I should be concerned but I felt a tingling in my nape. Yet that was foolish. I was worrying for nothing: Maud would manage if she stuck to a simple menu for the few days I was away; the customers might be disappointed not to see some of their favourite ‘Specials’ chalked up on the daily board, but they all knew I was going away for a while – just as they all knew it was me who had kept the place running through these first months of the war.
It was almost a year since the war had started and rationing had begun to bite, but I’d discovered that if you were out early when the markets were only just beginning to stir there was always a chance of finding something extra. I’d become a regular at various butchers and wholesale greengrocers and they looked out for me, saving all kinds of things for me; it might be bones or offal to make my soups tastier or it might just be a rare shipment of fruit that had come in overnight and from which I would be allowed to take my pick. Sometimes there was a big bag of suet, which allowed me to make all kinds of puddings, both sweet and savoury, a side of bacon or something under the counter that was even more of a find, like extra sugar or fresh eggs and honey or treacle. It was a marvel what you could do with very little if you tried, and I had no patience with some of the women I met as I queued at the shops, women who seemed to do nothing but complain about the shortages.
We couldn’t change things by moaning, we just had to make the best of things – use some imagination.
Sitting in the train with Samantha asleep in my arms, I wondered how my parents were coping with the shortages. I had written to Da a couple of times, telling him I was well and sent him a photograph Maud had taken of Samantha with her little box camera, but I hadn’t had a reply since his first letter. Perhaps I ought to think about visiting home soon. It would mean swallowing my pride but Maud said that sometimes other things were more important and she was so often right. Yet I had let the months and years pass because of hurt pride. I made up my mind that I would go home as soon as I had the time.
I had at last accepted Mrs Jones’s invitation to visit her and her sister Jean and so here I was, beginning to look forward to what would be my first real holiday at the seaside.
The sun was shining when Samantha woke me. She had been a little fretful the past couple of days. Mrs Jones’s sister Jean thought it might be the change of air but I suspected another tooth was the cause of her trouble. I picked her up, soothing her in my arms until her cries ceased.
I’d decided that I would take Samantha to the beach that early summer morning, and I put on a plain blue cotton dress; it was the new shorter fashion that we were all wearing to help save material for the war effort, with a square neck and puffed sleeves, and Mrs Jones told me I looked about fifteen in it.
‘Not a day older than when you first came to the house,’ she said. ‘But prettier. I like your hair longer, Nellie. It suits you.’ She still wasn’t well but there was no mistaking her pleasure in seeing me and little Samantha. I was glad I’d taken the time to visit.
‘Thank you.’ I blushed at her praise. ‘I’m taking Samantha for a picnic on the beach, but we shall be back before tea.’
‘Make the most of the weather,’ she advised. ‘You know which bits of the beach are safe and those you’re not allowed on, don’t you?’
‘Yes. Don’t worry. We’ll be fine.’
Samantha had a little tin bucket and spade, which she alternately clutched possessively and then threw down. I left her in her pushchair by the reception desk while I went to collect our picnic basket from the kitchen, and the young clerk – who like all Jean’s staff adored her – promised to keep an eye on her.
In the large kitchen I lingered for two minutes to exchange greetings with the new cook the sisters had employed, then picked up my basket and went back to the foyer. As usual Samantha seemed to have collected several admirers; there was the receptionist, one of the chambermaids – and a man dressed in cream flannels and a smart navy blazer. He was standing with his back to me, his attention all for my daughter who was keeping him occupied retrieving her bucket and spade and chuckling for all she was worth.
Something about the set of his shoulders made me catch my breath. Surely it couldn’t be… then he turned towards me and for one dizzying moment the world stood still.
‘Lucas,’ I breathed. ‘I…’
‘Nellie.’ For a moment he seemed just as dumbstruck as I, then he came towards me. ‘Forgive me. I had to come once I knew where you were.’
‘Who told you – Alice?’
He shook his head. ‘Jack told me where you were working at last. Why the hell couldn’t he have told me years ago?’ He looked annoyed. ‘And your friend Maud told me the rest.’
‘I see.’ It was just like Maud to do that.
The remembered scent of him – musk, shaving soap and cedarwood – set off a sharp, aching nostalgia. I knew I ought to be angry but all I could do was stare at him.
‘Mummy… Mummy…’ Samantha called fretfully, breaking the spell.
I bent to pick her up, kissing her cheek as I struggled against the wave of emotion that threatened to overcome me. ‘Yes, darling,’ I whispered against the softness of her hair. ‘We’re going to the beach soon.’
‘So this is Samantha? This is my daughter?’ Lucas’s voice had a humble, almost awed note. ‘She’s enchanting, absolutely enchanting.’
‘Everyone says that. I’m afraid she’s rather spoilt.’
‘I wouldn’t say that… not at all.’ He looked at me wistfully. ‘So you’re going to the beach?’
There was such longing in his eyes that I almost invited him to come but checked myself just in time. It would be madness!
‘We must go,’ I said as Samantha started to struggle in my arms. ‘She’s getting impatient.’
‘Yes, of course.’ He let me walk away, then followed with quick strides to catch me at the door. ‘Please – may we talk? I know I have no right to ask, but it would mean so much to me.’
My heart felt as if it were being squeezed and it was difficult to breathe. It would have been more sensible to refuse but I had never been sensible where he was concerned.
‘I suppose we could talk,’ I said. ‘Jean will keep an eye on Samantha when she’s in bed.’
‘We could have dinner – here or somewhere else?’
‘I would prefer to stay here.’
I would feel safer in the hotel. There was a flash of the old humour in his eyes, as if he had read my mind, but he sounded sincere as he said, ‘Thank you. I shall look forward to this evening.’
He let me go then. I walked away, my basket lodged against the handle of Samantha’s pushchair as we left the grounds and walked down the hill towards the town and the beaches. The sun was warm on my head, making me feel it was good to be alive – or was there another reason for the way my heart had suddenly begun to sing?
But I mustn’t let myself hope. Just because Lucas had come to find me …
It was at about half-past one when I saw him walking along the beach towards us; he was carrying three ice-cream cones that had started to melt and trickle down his hand. Samantha had been happily knocking down the castles I’d built for her with her bucket and spade and gurgling to herself beneath the shade of her sun bonnet.
‘You had better eat these quick or they will run away,’ Lucas said, handing me two. ‘It took longer to find you than I thought.’
I held one of the cones for Samantha, who had deserted her sand games at the prospect of such a treat. Lucas squatted down on the sand beside us; he was still wearing his cream flannels but had abandoned the blazer for a casual open-necked shirt.
For a while we sat in silence, enjoying the cool creaminess of the cones and avoiding each other’s eyes. It was very peaceful with the sound of the waves rippling lazily against the shore and an occasional cry from a gull and Samantha’s mumblings as she showed her enjoyment.
‘I shouldn’t have come,’ he said at last. ‘But I couldn’t wait until this evening – and I wanted to see her again. I can’t believe how beautiful she is.’
‘It doesn’t matter.’ I wiped my own hands and Samantha’s protesting face on a damp towel. ‘I would have asked you to come but…’
‘Of course. I understand.’ His eyes seemed to move over us with such hunger that it set my heart racing. Why was it that he could still make me feel this way with just a look? ‘I’m not asking for anything you don’t want to give, Nellie. I don’t even have the right to this…’
‘No, you don’t – but rights don’t come into it. She’s your daughter. I’ve often wished you could see her.’ I had been wrong to deny him all this time. Me and my stupid pride! I should have let Jack tell him in the beginning, but in the end, he just hadn’t been able to hold it inside any longer.
‘Not as often as I’ve wanted to see you.’ He cursed softly as I turned away with a gasp of pain. ‘That wasn’t fair of me. I’m sorry.’
‘You should be!’ I cried. ‘You had no right to go away without a word to me, Lucas. It broke my heart.’
He glanced at me then away, his eyes brooding as they followed the flight of a gull swooping over the sea. ‘There were reasons. But Jack told you…’
‘Yes.’ My fingers clenched in the sand. ‘That wasn’t fair, I had a right to know if you were ill.’
‘I wanted to spare you the consequences if—’ He gave me a rueful smile that seemed to beg for understanding. ‘Obviously you don’t see it my way, but that was the one unselfish act of my life, Nellie.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me when I came to the house?’
‘You didn’t give me the chance.’ His gaze narrowed intently. ‘Why did you run away like that? You heard me calling when you got in that taxi. I know you did.’
‘What did you expect?’ I gave him a resentful look. ‘Natalie had just told me you were going to marry her.’
‘So that was it!’ He seemed angry. ‘She had no right to say such a thing. I did have a brief affair with her but that was before I came back to the Dales, before we… I had never made a commitment to her.’
‘She seemed to think you were going to marry her.’
‘Yes, she made that clear. It was difficult when you came to the house, Nellie. I had the shadow of my illness hanging over me and there were other considerations. Her father owns an influential gallery in New York—’
‘Your work was more important than the way you felt about me, of course!’ I cried, though I knew I was being unfair. In keeping his secret fears to himself he had tried to save both Alice and me from pain.
Lucas looked uncomfortable. ‘My work has always been important to me, but I didn’t know about the baby. I would never have left you to fend for yourself alone in London if I had. You must believe that if nothing else.’
I jumped to my feet and walked down to the water’s edge, staring blindly out to sea as my eyes pricked with tears. I was angry and upset, the pain inside me so intense that I wanted to scream. Lucas had no right simply to walk back into my life when he chose.
‘Nellie.’ He touched my shoulder. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.’
I whirled on him then, anger flaring. ‘You didn’t think it would hurt me? You made love to me, promised me we would marry, then simply went off to New York and forgot me. Yes, you did, Lucas, don’t deny it. Jack told me months ago that the specialist had cleared you of having a tumour – where have you been since then? If you’d wanted to see me you could have found me ages ago.’
‘Put like that it sounds pretty damning, I must admit.’ There was a rueful look in his eyes. ‘I did employ a private detective to try and find you before I left for New York.’
‘He couldn’t have tried very hard.’
‘No, he didn’t,’ Lucas admitted. ‘He sent me a couple of negative reports then disappeared with the money I had given him.’
‘You could have come home yourself.’
‘Things were going well for me in New York… but I know that’s no excuse.’ He had the grace to look ashamed. ‘I was a bloody ass. Believe me, I’ve regretted the way I behaved when you arrived at the house that day. I was surprised and reacted badly. I’ve wished I’d behaved differently a thousand times.’
‘I don’t believe you – you say things without meaning them. You don’t care how you hurt people.’
Tears were wetting my cheeks. He attempted to take me in his arms, but I pushed him away. He stood back, his expression a mixture of frustration and guilt.
‘I’m going back to the hotel. Forgive me, Nellie. I didn’t intend this. I only wanted to see you and Samantha before… I’m sorry.’
I turned away, looking out towards the sea, my feelings too raw and painful to be faced just yet. His footsteps crunched in the sand as I stood with my arms wrapped around me, fighting the storm of emotion raging inside me.
Samantha had started to scream, reminding me of her presence. How could I have forgotten her even for a moment? It was his fault! I was angry with him. I saw my little girl had fallen over and grazed her knee on something hidden in the sand. Picking her up I kissed the pain away, wishing I could ease my own as easily.
‘Mummy kiss it better. All better now.’ I set her down again as the tears dried by magic. ‘Let’s paddle in the sea, shall we? See if we can find a crab?’ She had no idea what I meant, but laughed as I dipped her bare toes in the sea.
Her eyes were so like her father’s as she gazed up at me that my heart jolted with pain. After the way he had behaved I should hate him, but I didn’t.
‘So what are you going to do?’ Margaret asked as we drank tea that her sister Jean had made for us from dainty porcelain cups that afternoon. Margaret was sitting in her favourite chair, looking tired but she smiled at me and I knew there was a closeness between us still. ‘Will you have dinner with him this evening?’
‘I don’t know.’ I sighed. ‘I still care about him – but I’m afraid of being hurt again.’
‘Men like Lucas are a law unto themselves.’ She looked at me with concern. ‘They don’t fit into the ordinary mould. You can’t change them – but perhaps they wouldn’t be so attractive if you could.’
She was right. Lucas couldn’t be chained. He wasn’t like Tom who had wanted only to marry me, Tom who would have done anything rather than hurt me. Tom, who I hadn’t heard anything of since I left Beaumont House. I wondered if he was still building his business or if he’d joined the Army.
‘Sometimes you have to risk pain to be happy,’ Margaret said. ‘But don’t see him this evening if you would rather not. We can tell him you have a headache. Jean could ask him to find other accommodation, pretend she made a mistake in the booking.’
‘No, please don’t ask her to do that,’ I said. ‘I can’t run away this time. Whatever happens I have to face it.’
‘I thought you might change your mind about dinner,’ Lucas said, his eyes assessing me with approval. ‘I’m glad you didn’t.’
I was wearing blue again, but a pale turquoise this time which I thought made my eyes look greener. My hair was longer than it had been when I was fifteen, when he’d painted me, and waved softly about my face. The expression in his eyes told me that he liked it.
‘You look lovely,’ he said. ‘Is that a new blouse?’
‘Almost. Alice gave it to me for my birthday. This is the second time I’ve worn it.’ I gazed up at him. ‘She wanted to tell you about Samantha months ago, but I made her promise not to. You shouldn’t be angry with her.’
‘I’m not angry with anyone except myself.’
‘Perhaps it was partly my fault. If I’d told you that day at your house it might have changed things. I always knew you would have helped me if I’d asked.’ Of course I’d known but I’d let pride stop me asking and I’d managed to make a new life.
‘Thank you. You are as generous as ever.’ His smile was warm, embracing. ‘Shall we have dinner?’ He offered his arm, his brows arching as I hesitated.
‘Are you hungry?’
‘No – why?’
‘I know I suggested eating here but could we go for a walk or a drink or something? I don’t feel like eating yet.’
