Nellie's Heartbreak, page 14
‘Alice…’
They had forgotten me. It was as if I wasn’t even there. I remembered Cook’s warning and felt angry – angry and hurt. They both used me when they wanted me but neither of them cared that I had been hurt.
8
I was scrubbing the back stairs with a bar of strong-smelling yellow soap when Doris came to tell me that Mrs Jermyns wanted to see me in her sitting room. The look in Doris’s eyes was so triumphant that my heart plummeted all the way down to my black lace-up shoes. I was in trouble now: she must have told about the brandy I’d taken.
‘You’ll catch it,’ she hissed as I got up off my knees. ‘Putting on airs as if you were better than the rest of us – see where it gets you now, Nellie Pearce!’
I ignored her taunts, but my heart was beating faster than normal as I took my bucket to the kitchen, emptied it and then made my way up to the housekeeper’s room. Her wireless was playing loud orchestral music. I hesitated outside, licking my lips nervously before knocking. I had to knock twice before the wireless was switched off and a voice told me to come in.
Mrs Jermyns gave me an old-fashioned look as I entered. She was wearing a dull brown dress that made her look more than usually colourless and her hair was dragged back into a severe knot at the back.
‘Ah, Nellie – this is a serious matter, you know. Very serious indeed.’
The room was larger than Miss Alice’s but furnished with heavy dark wood pieces and the fabrics were faded into indistinguishable, sludgy colours. On the sideboard I saw a collection of photographs in cheap frames and there was a large, fairly new wireless on a table near the fireplace, but little else to give it any comfort or cheer.
‘I’m waiting for an explanation.’
I swallowed hard, then raised my eyes to meet her icy stare. ‘I’m sorry, Mrs Jermyns,’ I said, ‘but it was only the cooking brandy and I thought I had a cold coming on.’
‘Oh, the brandy…’ Mrs Jermyns nodded. ‘That was wrong of you, to take it without asking – but this other matter is much, much worse. I’m disappointed in you. Very disappointed. I thought you were coming along well and now you’ve let us down.’
‘I – I don’t know what you mean…’ I replied but my voice sounded guilty even to my own ears and my heart had begun to pound. Doris must have found the sheets and put two and two together!
‘I think you do,’ Mrs Jermyns said, becoming even more stern. ‘Doris saw you coming upstairs very early this morning and then she found a pair of bloodstained sheets in the copper. She also discovered that two sheets had been taken from the airing cupboard and naturally she thought it her duty to inform me of these discoveries.’ There was an ominous silence during which I seemed to hear the beating of my own heart. ‘What can you tell me about any of this, Nellie?’
‘Nothing.’ I looked her in the eyes but knew that my cheeks were bright red. I had never been able to tell lies and now I wanted to sink through the floor. ‘I just went down for the brandy, that’s when I met Doris on the way back.’
‘If you felt like telling me the truth I would try to help you. But lying will not save you, Nellie. I have no patience with liars, none at all.’
I was silent. There was nothing I could say without betraying Iris’s secret and I was determined not to do that. It was my fault Doris had found the sheets. If she hadn’t met me coming back with the brandy she wouldn’t have been suspicious.
‘I am not lying,’ I said in a whisper. ‘There’s nothing I can tell you, Mrs Jermyns.’
‘I shall give you one more chance to tell me the truth, Nellie.’
I hung my head and said nothing. I was very uncomfortable and a little frightened but I couldn’t have spoken if my life depended on it.
‘Very well, you leave me no alternative.’ Mrs Jermyns went to her cupboard and took something out, bringing it back to thrust it accusingly under my nose. ‘I believe this belongs to you?’
I glanced at my own nightgown; the pale blue winceyette was marked with dark brown stains that were obviously blood. Suddenly, I realised what Mrs Jermyns must be thinking and I went cold all over. She couldn’t think that of me! She couldn’t – but the expression on her face told me that she could and did.
‘Yes, it is mine – but it isn’t what you imagine.’
‘And what do you think I am imagining? I have seen those sheets, Nellie. Blood stains like that are not from a normal period. I am not a fool and I know that someone has suffered a miscarriage. Was it you?’
So there was still some doubt in her mind. She was a harsh woman but not without a sense of justice: all she wanted was the truth.
I looked at the floor, wishing it would open and swallow me up. This was awful but I could not betray Iris now; it had been my idea to put the sheets in the laundry and it was my fault that Doris had become suspicious. If I hadn’t gone back for the brandy we might just have got away with it – now we should probably both be dismissed.
A clock was ticking loudly on the mantelpiece and a log hissed and crackled on the fire. My mouth was dry as I tried to find something to say and failed.
‘I’m waiting for your answer, Nellie.’ I remained silent and the housekeeper made a sound of distress deep in her throat. ‘So you refuse to answer me? Very well, I shall speak to Miss Alice about this…’
‘I haven’t done anything wrong!’ The words were torn out of me at last.
‘I think you may have been used,’ Mrs Jermyns said. ‘But we shall see what Miss Alice has to say. In the meantime, you may go back to your work.’
My eyes were stinging as I walked from the room. I felt resentful and angry. It was so unfair of Mrs Jermyns to accuse me of having had a miscarriage! She was a suspicious, mean-minded woman… and yet she had given me a chance to speak out in my own defence, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t sure whether it was loyalty or stubbornness that had held me silent, perhaps a bit of both. She ought not to have needed to ask!
I wasn’t a bad girl, why did they all seem to think I was? After the picture Mr Lucas had painted they would all think I’d been doing something I ought not to and the blood stains on my nightgown seemed to prove their suspicions. Of course I could have saved myself if I’d told the truth but that would have meant instant dismissal for Iris. Besides, they should all have known that I wouldn’t do anything like that… the unfairness of it pricked at me like a thorn and I set my mouth stubbornly. Let them send me away in disgrace if they liked, I wasn’t going to beg or plead for my job. If they couldn’t trust me then I didn’t care, I would leave rather than betray my friend.
I was so angry that when I got to the kitchen I walked straight past and out of the house, not bothering with a coat. It was freezing outside, the ground white with frost, but I didn’t notice and wouldn’t have cared if I had. I was burning with indignation.
I walked and walked, not bothering where I was going. A bitter wind was blowing over the moors, which seemed to stretch endlessly in all directions, and had never looked more bleak, but I was too miserable to be interested in my surroundings. No one cared about me so I might as well be dead.
How long I walked I have no idea. My thoughts were as bitter as the inclement weather. I was the unwanted child of a rapist, my mother hated me – and Mr Lucas had painted that terrible picture. How he must have laughed! The expression on my face was that of a wistful young girl in love – and who else could I be in love with but the man who had painted me?
If Miss Alice had cared about my feelings she would have told him he couldn’t show the picture – and Mrs Jermyns had such a low opinion of me that she thought I had suffered a miscarriage.
It was almost dusk when I sat down in the shelter of some rocks; I brought my knees up to my chest, leant my arms on them and bowed my head, then, all at once, I started to sob. Heartbroken, wracking sobs that shook my whole body.
I cried for a long time, until I was exhausted, then I curled up on the ground like an unborn child in its mother’s womb, huddling into myself and my misery – and slept.
It was dark when I woke. My body ached from the cold and I was shivering, my teeth chattering. The anger and self-pity that had driven me out on to the moors had gone and now I was frightened.
I stood up and looked about me, trying to peer through the gloom, which was broken only by a sprinkling of stars: my fear intensified as I realised I was lost. I had no idea which way to go or how far I had wandered from the house.
Gradually my eyes became accustomed to the dark and I could see shapes and patches that were lighter than others. Which way should I go? I had come towards the rocks so I should walk away from them – but to the left or the right?
From somewhere nearby I heard the call of a nightbird; it was strange and scary in the loneliness of the moors and I screamed in terror as a grey shape rose from the ground in front of me, the broad wings of an owl beating in slow rhythmic motion as it rose into the sky.
I started to run, blindly, wildly, in a panic. I was lost… lost in a wilderness and no one would find me. I should die alone on these moors in such bitter weather and suddenly I wanted to live. I wanted to live! I wasn’t going to let them beat me. I would go away and become a famous cook and show them all! I would show them all – and especially Mr Lucas… He had laughed at me but he wouldn’t laugh when I was rich and famous!
Anger returned and with it my courage. I stopped running and told myself to calm down. I would just keep on walking and in time I would come to a farmhouse or…
‘Nellie… Nellie…’
What was that? I had heard a cry so faint that I couldn’t be sure. It had sounded like someone calling my name – but it couldn’t be. No one knew I was out here… no one cared… but yes, there it was again… I spun round towards the source of the sound and saw something… a flickering light. It was a lantern… they were looking for me… someone had organised a search party.
‘Nellie… Nellie…’ the same voice called over and over again, impatient, demanding… desperate? ‘Nellie… where the hell are you? Nellie…’
‘Over here! I’m over here!’
I walked quickly towards that flickering light, my heart lifting. Mrs Jones must have reported me missing. I had forgotten her… she would have been concerned when I didn’t return… she liked me… yes, she would have wondered where I was.
‘Nellie!’
I was close enough now to see that the lantern was being held by a tall man. It must be Henry… and yet I knew it was not. How could it be Mr Lucas? He had gone to London… and yet it was him. I knew instinctively that it was him.
‘I’m here.’
He came towards me, nearer and nearer, his strides long and hurried, covering the ground between us more swiftly than I would have thought possible – and then I could see his face in the yellow glow of the lantern. He was furious! My knees began to knock and I was frightened again but for a very different reason from the one that had made me panic earlier.
‘What on earth do you think you’re doing?’ he demanded. ‘You stupid little fool! Wandering out here on a night like this, and with no coat – don’t you know you could have died in this weather?’
I felt very foolish and blinked in the light of his lantern. ‘I… I’m sorry,’ I whispered. ‘I was upset; then I fell asleep and didn’t realise the time.’
He grabbed my arm, holding me as he looked down at my face. ‘You’ve been crying – not about that painting? You’re not such a fool. I won’t show it if you hate it that much.’
‘No…’ I swallowed hard. ‘It wasn’t just about that.’
‘All this nonsense over the sheets then.’ He glared down at me and his fingers bit into my flesh as he held on to me. ‘Do you know I’ve missed my train to London because of you? And I had appointments! Jack had arranged for me to meet some important clients in the morning and I’ve had to cancel.’
‘Who – who is Jack?’ My teeth were still chattering but not just from the cold.
‘Jack Henderson. He’s my agent and a good friend and worked hard to set up those meetings. Now he’ll have to do it all over again – and that’s your fault.’
‘I’m sorry, sir.’
I was ashamed now and close to tears again.
‘And so I should think.’ He shook me hard, then wrapped a thick blanket around my shoulders. ‘You deserve a good hiding, Nellie, do you know that?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘It’s lucky for you that I’m the one who found you,’ he said. ‘Mrs Jermyns has been having hysterics and the rest of the household is in uproar.’
‘I – I didn’t mean to upset anyone.’
‘Didn’t you?’ His eyes narrowed. ‘I think that’s just what you did mean – to teach us all a lesson. To teach me a lesson – wasn’t that what you wanted, Nellie?’
‘Perhaps… I’m not sure.’
He nodded, his expression relaxing. ‘That’s what I thought. Well, you have – so you can come home now and get yourself warm.’
His stride lengthened and I struggled to keep up with him. What did he mean? Had it really upset him because I had been lost on the moors for a few hours?
As we approached the edge of the moors, I saw a small group of men gathered together with lanterns and torches. A buzz went through them as they saw us and one man moved towards us: it was Tom Herries and his expression seemed to me to be a mixture of relief and anger.
‘Are you all right?’ he asked harshly. ‘You’ve given us all a scare. What made you do it?’
To hear almost the same words from his lips as those Mr Lucas had hurled at me was too much. ‘It’s none of your business,’ I replied in a sharper tone than I ought. ‘I don’t know why you’re here, Tom Herries.’
Mr Lucas glanced at me with a frown. ‘It was your friend who insisted on the search when he realised you’d been gone several hours,’ he said. ‘If he hadn’t caught me, I should have been on my way to London. You should thank him, Nellie.’
My cheeks were flaming. I’d been embarrassed enough when I’d seen all those curious eyes staring at me and now I wished I could crawl away under a stone. Mr Lucas had found me but it was Tom who had made him organise the search party.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, hardly daring to glance at him. ‘I’m a bit upset.’
‘Aye, I can see that.’ Tom nodded to Mr Lucas. ‘Thank you, sir. I’m obliged for your help.’
He walked away, his shoulders stiff and square. I longed to call after him but Mr Lucas had hold of my arm as he hurried me towards the house.
‘Alice will never forgive me if you catch cold,’ he said. ‘Though it might teach you a lesson if you did.’
Of course it hadn’t upset Mr Lucas that I’d been lost. He was simply annoyed at missing his train and upsetting Miss Alice.
I was ill the next morning, not desperately ill but coughing and sneezing, my eyes running from the chill I had taken.
‘You should have told Mrs Jermyns the truth,’ Miss Alice said when I was summoned to her sitting room after breakfast. ‘It was so silly of you to run away like that, Nellie.’
‘Yes, I know. Mr Lucas was very angry with me.’ I sneezed into my handkerchief.
‘He missed his train because of you,’ she said. ‘You wouldn’t expect him to be pleased.’
‘No, miss.’ I blew my nose. ‘Did he get off this morning?’
‘Yes, I drove him to the station myself.’
‘Oh… good.’
She shook her head at me. ‘This business with the sheets – it was bound to come out in the end. You couldn’t really have thought you could cover it up?’
‘It was my idea to put the sheets in the laundry,’ I replied awkwardly. ‘I couldn’t betray her, miss.’
‘No, I don’t suppose you could,’ Miss Alice replied in a soft voice. ‘It was foolish though. Why didn’t you come to me and explain? Surely you could have trusted me?’
‘Iris thought you would turn her off with no wages.’
‘She ought to have known better. You should have known better, Nellie. I shall have to let her go, of course. Lady Amelia would be outraged if she learned of this – but Iris has been given money to help her until she finds a new job.’
Iris was no longer sleeping in the same room as me. I had not seen her since the previous morning but I knew she was not leaving until later, when the carrier’s van would come to take her to the station.
‘But will she find work – without a proper reference?’
‘I have given her a reference, just to say that she worked for us for several years. I could not do more, Nellie.’
Miss Alice gave me what was for her a stern look and I knew I was wrong to have questioned her; she was always fair but she could not go against her principles. Iris had broken the rules and she was lucky to have been given more than her wages; most employers would simply have turned her off.
‘No… you’ve done all you could. I know it’s her own fault. She ought to have had more sense – but I still feel sorry for her.’
‘Yes, so do I,’ Miss Alice said sadly. ‘She wouldn’t tell me who the father was – someone from the village was all she would say. It is wrong that she should suffer while he… but that is the way of the world. Perhaps Iris will have learned from this; it may help her to make a new start somewhere else. She says she’ll go to London and work in a shop or a restaurant.’
‘That’s what she’s always wanted.’ I fiddled with my apron. ‘I never thanked Mr Lucas for coming to look for me.’
‘He insisted on joining the search party, even though it meant cancelling his appointments. Not that it matters, he was able to arrange new ones for this afternoon.’
He hadn’t told me that. But he had wanted to punish me.
‘Will he be gone long do you think, miss?’
‘Yes, I think he may. If the show is a success he may go abroad to work for a while. He says that he needs to broaden his horizons, experience more of the world, if he wants to become a really good painter. If it had not been for his accident I believe he would have gone long ago.’
