Breaking Bonds, page 23
Do your homework and find out the income level and job opportunities in your areas of interest. You want to get a degree in a field where you will be able to find a job and support yourself and your family. It may take a while, but it is worth the investment of time and money that you put in.
In general, women are better listeners and communicators than men, so many have the inherent ability to excel at careers in sales, which tend to offer higher-paying jobs. Although the income is less predictable than salaried jobs, you can make a very good living if you work hard, have talent, and are willing to be patient. Some sales jobs also provide a base salary.
You may be entrepreneurial and want to start a company of your own. If you need guidance, one way to discover your natural strengths is to take an online career aptitude test. Please keep in mind that the results will only give you tendencies and that you will need to make up your mind what you want to pursue. If you are an older woman, don’t let your age stop you from deciding where you would like to go, and making a change. You will need to take positive action if you want to see positive change in your life. The nonprofit association SCORE (www.score.org) offers free business mentorship to people setting up small businesses.
In Grit, Angela Duckworth convincingly argues that success is due more to a combination of passion and perseverance in the pursuit of a long-term goal than to intelligence or natural aptitude. Those who consistently invest more time and effort working toward long-term goals tend to achieve them. Over thirty years ago, senior management seriously considered firing me for mediocre short-term performance, but my local manager at the time insisted that they give me a chance to prove myself. He told them that I was very hard working and persistent, a good recipe for long-term success. I had a family to support and was determined to make a living. To this day, I remain loyal to my company because they gave me the opportunity to prove myself. I have consistently been one of their most productive employees for well over thirty years.
If you run into roadblocks, don’t give up. Find a way around them. If things don’t work out, commit to something else. People who are successful have had failures; they just kept trying. Work hard and don’t give up. Believe in yourself, and you can change your world for the better. Nobody said it would be easy. It isn’t. But it is possible if you have determination.
ONLY THE LONELY
“Trust has to be earned, and should only come after the passage
of time.”
―ARTHUR ASHE
Starting a new life can be either exciting or scary. You may be longing for a partner who appreciates you and treats you well. Recently divorced women can be vulnerable in new relationships. Some women are so used to being abused that it feels comfortable and familiar, and they continue to attract men who abuse them. Despite your desire for companionship and love, it’s important for you to do everything you can to end the cycle of abuse in your life.
Reading self-help books, using positive affirmations, and going to a good therapist to find out why you were vulnerable in the first place will help you to make necessary changes in yourself so that you can attract a worthy partner. Repeating affirmations, such as “I am enough,” “I love myself,” “I am ready to give and receive love,” and “I deserve a healthy relationship with a good man,” after your divorce is final will help you program yourself to bring something much better into your life. If you want something different, you need to become someone different.
Take it slow. You do not have to confide all your past hurts in someone you barely know. Make sure that you get to know the man you date as a person and be sure you like him first. You are not obligated to answer all of his questions, especially if you feel uncomfortable or feel that it is too soon to divulge personal information. A strong attraction can make some people forget that they don’t know another person all that well. We tend to project our good qualities on people who may not necessarily have them.
When you date a man, think with your head as well as your heart. Pay attention to what he says and what he does. How do you feel when you are around him? Does he make you feel comfortable and good about yourself? If not, don’t see him again. Your body doesn’t lie, and it will tell you that there is a problem by giving you warning signs.
Does he make you nervous or on edge? Do you get a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach? Do you feel happy in his presence? Can you relax with him? Does he keep promises? Is he reliable? Does he tell the truth? Pay attention and practice discernment.
Dating websites are popular now, but please exercise care here. I found that several men I encountered on one popular dating site were not truthful. I stopped dating them as soon as I became aware of it. I also noticed that one of my former clients, who was an attorney, had joined the same website and lied about his age by five years. While age is certainly not as big a deal as some other things, like marital status, one of my friends was subjected to a scam on a dating website by a man from another country pretending to be someone who lived in a nearby city. He used a picture of a very handsome man to lure her in. She was initially swept off her feet by gifts of candy and flowers that he mailed to her from where he was supposed to have been living. She had never met him, but she still got caught up in the excitement of a budding romance. After several weeks of this whirlwind courtship by email, he urgently pleaded with her to wire money to his bank account, claiming that he was on a trip overseas and his wallet and luggage were stolen. She offered to help wire him money from his bank account, but he declined, insisting that she needed to loan it to him and that he would reimburse her. In that moment, she realized she had been caught up in a scam. My friend was heartbroken and felt violated by this predator. She is a private banker and an accomplished and intelligent woman. Still she had fallen quickly for a total stranger online.
A scam can happen to anyone. Please be careful, use your common sense and intuition, and protect your heart and your assets. If you are meeting someone for the first time, choose a public place to meet during the day. I prefer to meet for coffee in the morning before work at a busy local coffee shop. I can get away easily by just saying that I need to go to work. There are a lot of good and kind men out there; recognize and screen out the ones who are not.
Like many recently divorced women, you may consider having a fling after your divorce is final. Honestly, it is not worth it. Risky behavior like one-night stands may result in a sexually transmitted disease or violence. If the man you sleep with is a total stranger, you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable to someone who may or may not be a good person. When you sleep with someone, you sleep with every partner he has ever slept with as well, so please be very careful to use protection. Remember, condoms may not necessarily protect you from all types of sexually transmitted diseases, or even pregnancy. There is a success/failure rate printed in small type on every box.
Avoid married men, as that story can never end well, no matter what lies he tells you. Someone who is disloyal to his wife and lying to her to see you will not be loyal to you and will lie to you as well, no matter what he says to the contrary.
Do not ever give a loan to someone you are dating, regardless of the sob story he tells you. It does not make you a cold or ungenerous person. You need to protect yourself, and it is not your job to rescue other people. The fact that someone you are involved with has asked you for money should set off a red flag. You should firmly say no and strongly consider ending the relationship.
BE HAPPY
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
―ABRAHAM LINCOLN
A wonderful, well-thought book on how to be happy is Be Happy by Robert Holden. In it, he explains that happiness is a choice, a state of mind that you can actively choose every day, and it is not based closely on anything outside of yourself. It is a feeling of being content with who you are, and at peace with any actions you have taken.
You must be authentic to be happy. So be the person who you are, and enjoy and appreciate what you have now. Practicing gratitude attracts more wonderful things into your life, and also helps you to put things in perspective and stay grounded. There may be some people who have more than you do, but there are many others who have less, too. It is not always apparent whether someone who has more than you has suffered a major loss or catastrophe. Therefore, it’s best not to judge or compare yourself to others. It’s unproductive and a waste of your time.
People-pleasing is a habit you can no longer afford, as the demands of others can be insatiable and leave you feeling exhausted and empty. It will be liberating for you to let that go. You are not here to be popular; you are here to make a difference, to share your gifts with others, and to enjoy your life. Pace yourself and get rest when you need to, take care of your health. Set boundaries and say no when it is appropriate. You do not have to justify yourself to anyone. You deserve to be happy and to make your own choices. Pleasing yourself leads to happiness.
You can’t change the past, but you can learn from it and transform it into something greater by allowing yourself to be more compassionate, kind, and loving to yourself and others. Like a ripple in a pond, one act of kindness inspires another. It can make you happy.
CHAPTER TWELVE
LIFE LESSONS, FORGIVENESS, AND PURPOSE
LIFE LESSONS
In “Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.”
―SOPHIA LOREN
divorcing your abusive ex-husband, you have taken back your power to choose how you are treated, the thoughts you allow yourself to believe, and the actions you are going to take to change your life. What you have experienced has made you a wiser, more confident woman. Make a list of the many lessons that you learned in the marriage and during the divorce, give thanks to God for them, and promise that you will not repeat them. Claim for yourself that you do not have to experience those lessons again. Then light a match and burn the list! Doing so will help you put the experience into perspective and lift your spirits.
I believe God puts people in our path to teach us what we need to learn. The adage “When the student is ready, the teacher appears” never really hit home with me until I truthfully analyzed my relationship with my parents and my spouse. Healing will take place if you look past the personality and dynamics of the drama to see the gift given to you for personal growth. Sometimes that growth is very painful, but it also can be very beautiful if you will look at it with your heart.
I now view my ex-husband as one of my greatest teachers. From him, I learned that I couldn’t get love by being perfect (or trying to be) or by doing things for others that compromise my needs or values. I learned that I needed to set better boundaries and accept responsibility for the way that I allow people to treat me. I learned that unless I loved and valued myself, nobody else would, either. My deeply wounded parents were long dead and I was an adult, so I couldn’t stay stuck in my old childhood wounds forever if I wanted to be happy. I had to learn each lesson and then let it go. I still have a lot to learn.
Let the lessons you’ve learned inform your decisions and behavior going forward, but let go of your memories of incidents that have happened which make you feel sad, angry, or unloved. Every time that you think about an incident with emotion, you re-traumatize yourself. Every time that you ruminate on what your husband did to you, you inflict another wound on yourself.
If you refuse to forgive or to wish happiness for everyone else, including your abusive former spouse, you will inadvertently block your own happiness. Unresolved anger and unforgiveness affect you spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. When you have angry thoughts about someone else, your mind doesn’t know how to keep your body calm and healthy. Your anger and lack of forgiveness affect you and not the other person, who may be completely unaware of how you feel, or not sorry. People with chronic anger have a much higher risk of coronary artery disease and heart attack. Some scientists believe that chronic anger is more dangerous than either smoking or obesity as a risk factor that could lead to an early death.
FORGIVE AND REMEMBER
“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”
―C.S. LEWIS
Whether you are a Christian or not, I include the preceding quote from C.S. Lewis because of its universal message. We forgive to free ourselves as much as others. Before you are able to be happy, you will have to forgive your ex-husband. Forgiveness will not be easy, as he may not ever acknowledge what he has done, much less be sorry for it. You will also have to forgive yourself for allowing the abuse to happen and for continuing to allow it to happen.
Your initial reaction to this last assertion may be that this is unfair. How are you to blame for what happened to you, you may ask? Or that it is your fault for attracting this relationship? He was so charming and deceived you, so how are you responsible for that?
It took me a long time to acknowledge that if I’d had a higher regard for myself, I would have noticed much sooner that he was unreliable and selfish. I would not have started a long-term relationship with him in the first place.
It will take time to forgive yourself and your ex-husband; you may have to forgive day after day over and over for a long period. Consider the time that you spend on this intention to be an investment in your freedom.
It is a common opinion that you must forgive yourself first before you can forgive others. I found that it was much more difficult to forgive myself, as I frequently felt responsible for everything that happened. This was the case even when something that went wrong was beyond my control. This type of reaction is typical for women who have sustained long-term abuse because it is what our abusers tell us. I was hard on myself, as I kept hearing a critical voice in my head that originally came from my parents and was reinforced by my abuser. I found it much easier to forgive others first.
There are several things that you will need to do to be able to move on with your life. You need to:
Acknowledge what happened: what he did and that it was wrong.
Feel the emotions in your body regarding the abuse.
Accept that what happened is reality.
For me, facing some of the things I needed to acknowledge was too hard, so I shut down and numbed myself by eating whatever I could get my hands on. Because I felt unsafe showing emotions or feelings as a child, my anger and grief about my marriage felt so overwhelming that they were scary. It felt as if a bottomless pit would swallow me whole. Gradually I felt safer to feel and allowed myself to sob, to cry, and to hit things—I took up boxing for a short time—to release the negative emotions from my body and to heal. A good therapist can help you navigate through this process.
You also need to acknowledge your part and forgive yourself. Accept responsibility for what you did wrong in the relationship. No relationship is perfect, and you may have antagonized or enabled the situation. I know that I did.
My ex-husband was unhelpful and demanding at the same time. I would nag, and my ex would become passive aggressive, only agreeing to do the smallest of things, and then he would never do them. When I brought it up, he became mean and angry. I finally gave up and stopped asking him to do anything at all, feeling powerless, unsupported, and unloved. He would frequently criticize what I did, tearing me down. I would argue, eventually give up, and then sink into a deep depression, hating myself. I would withdraw and shut down. He would get frustrated, and then get needy and controlling. He told me that I was cold because I no longer wanted to be affectionate with him. He never thought that his behavior could be the reason. Everything was my fault. He made me responsible for his happiness, and I would always come up short. He never considered my happiness because it just wasn’t important to him.
I allowed this unacceptable pattern to continue to happen and unconsciously played the martyr. I lost respect for him and for myself because I did not leave this very unhealthy relationship. I tolerated his bad behavior for way too long. I did my children no favors by staying just to keep our family intact. My intentions were good but wrongheaded. But once the divorce went through, I needed to forgive myself so I would be able to move on.
If I could forgive myself, you can, too. Remember, if it gets overwhelming, you can just give it to God. We are not meant to be perfect.
In forgiving my parents and myself, I came to be at peace with the fact that they were both alcoholics and my mother did not protect me from my dad’s verbal and physical abuse. My parents were flawed, as we all are, and they made some good choices and some very bad choices. As have I. My mistakes were just different ones. My ex-husband could have done things better or differently, but he made his choices. I needed to let that all go to set myself free.
Forgiveness does not mean that bad things did not happen to you or that you were not hurt. It does not excuse anyone’s actions or mean that you must reconcile with that person, only that you release them and release yourself so that you are not held prisoner by the past.
It helps me to try to separate the person from their actions; I forgive them and yet do not accept, excuse, or condone their actions in any way. I frequently ask for divine grace to help me, as I sometimes do not feel that I am a big enough person to do it alone. The quickest progress that I have ever had with forgiveness was in saying the following variation of the indigenous Hawaiian Ho’oponopono prayer during daily meditation for thirty days in a row. It goes like this:
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
I forgive you.
Thank you.
I love you.1
While you are sitting with your eyes closed, visualize any person, living or deceased, who either you hurt or who hurt you, sitting in front of you, and then say this prayer to them. It is a powerful prayer of connection, and you may feel a lot of emotion in your body as you say the words the first several times. Let yourself stay connected with your feelings while you keep breathing deeply into your abdomen. You will probably feel much lighter afterward, as if a burden has been lifted.
