Breaking Bonds, page 21
DEATH AND DIVORCE
“I paint flowers so they will not die.”
―FRIDA KAHLO
Read your will and trusts to verify the names of the beneficiaries. Also, remember to find out who the listed beneficiaries are, if any, for your bank and brokerage accounts, insurance policies, and retirement accounts.
If one of you dies during the divorce proceeding, customarily the survivor inherits as if a divorce petition was never made. Ask the estate attorney how your marital and separate assets will pass in your state if you die before the divorce is final. Your husband will probably get to manage your estate if you die without a will. In most cases, children live with the surviving parent if the custodial parent dies while they are still minors. Discuss putting a guardianship clause in your will with your attorney if you need to avoid this from happening.
You may be prevented from making changes in your will once you file for divorce, as the laws of your state may include automatic restraining orders. Therefore, consider changing your will before you file for divorce so that your husband doesn’t inherit everything if you die. Even if your husband is entitled to claim an elective share in your estate if you die first, as most states won’t allow you to completely disinherit him, taking this step will prevent him from getting everything that is in your name alone.
If you’ve already filed for divorce and must wait until the divorce is over to change your will, set an appointment with an estate attorney for as soon as possible after the date of your final court hearing. The purpose of this meeting is to draft a new will and other related estate documents for you to remove your ex-husband completely.
Remember that changing your will does not automatically change beneficiaries listed on life insurance or retirement accounts, so make sure that you take care of that as well once the divorce is final. Make taking care of this a priority and put it on your calendar. I have heard of too many people forgetting to do this, with disastrous results.
In many states, an ex-spouse is unable to inherit if his or her name accidentally is left as a beneficiary. Then the asset must go through probate. You can avoid this if a beneficiary update form is signed. If the estate is the beneficiary or default beneficiary of a retirement account, income taxes are due on the entire account value within one tax year.
Designating a person as a beneficiary allows that person two other options: the option of taking the proceeds of the retirement account over a five-year period and paying the tax liability over five years, or taking the account as a “stretch” over their lifetime. If they take this asset as a stretch over their lifetime, they will end up with a lot more money over a much longer period. The taxes will be on a much smaller distribution amount each year, and the major portion of the account will continue to grow tax deferred over time.
In some states, an ex-spouse can still inherit if his or her name is left as a beneficiary after the divorce. You need to take care of this important issue in any case to protect your children.
If you have signed a power of attorney and a health care power of attorney giving your ex-husband authority to handle financial affairs and make health care decisions for you, have new ones prepared to change that as soon as possible and destroy the old ones. Shred them ASAP. Mail a copy of your new powers of attorney to any company that has the old ones on file.
Review these new proxy documents with your attorney to make sure that you are using the correct forms for your state.
MAKING MISTAKES
“All human beings make mistakes. We make choices and judgments that have nothing to do with the truth of who we are.”
―IYANLA VANZANT
You will make your share of financial mistakes during your divorce. None of us is perfect, so expecting oneself to be perfect is counterproductive and unrealistic. I acquiesced to some things in the mediation room that I deeply regretted later, and it took me quite a while to forgive myself for having been so weak. I succumbed to being attacked by the mediator as being “unreasonable,” which I was not. One of the problems was that we were in mediation for too long—over ten hours in a row.
When I felt bullied and that my wishes were being overridden, I should have gotten up and walked out, or said that I needed to sleep on it. It was abusive, and my attorney did nothing to stop it. Because I was exhausted and wanted to get the divorce over with, I caved.
In many cases, divorce professionals (attorneys and mediators) just want a deal, and they don’t know or care about their clients. It’s nothing personal, and that is the problem. Your case is just a case, a business deal for them—one of many. There are some attorneys and mediators who do care, but I don’t think you should count on them to take care of all the important details. Even the best attorneys make mistakes or fail to anticipate unintended consequences.
Years later, I am still dealing with the long-term consequences of not standing up for myself in that one meeting. I learned this lesson the hard way. But as angry as I once was about it, I had to forgive them for what they did, which was a lot easier than forgiving myself. It is too late for me to undo the damage, so I had to let it go. I have no choice if I want to be happy.
Be your own best advocate. It is too important to delegate responsibility for your well-being to someone else, no matter who they are or where they got their degrees.
PART FOUR
THE NEXT CHAPTER
“I didn’t get there by wishing for it or hoping for it, but by working for it.”
―ESTÉe LAUDER
CHAPTER ELEVEN
LIFE AFTER DIVORCE
RECOVERY ROAD
“Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain and we take responsibility for our feelings.”
―MELODY BEATTIE
If you have been a victim of abuse, you probably have post-traumatic stress disorder. Symptoms of PTSD may include a lack of appetite, insomnia, flashbacks, fear of intimacy and other relational problems, panic attacks, and ongoing anxiety.
The hippocampus in the brain processes a traumatic event when it occurs. Then the memory of the event—including sensations and perceptions—is stored in the neocortex. Memories normally become more distant with the passing of time. Our brains process some trauma differently. With PTSD, trauma continues to be reactivated in the hippocampus so that we experience it over and over as if an event just happened. The passage of time has little effect.
Traditional counseling can help you to process your trauma and suffering. While anti-anxiety medication or sleeping pills help some people to cope, drugs may not be enough to alleviate your symptoms without producing unacceptable side effects. Therefore, you may wish to explore additional, complementary therapies, such as hypnosis, acupuncture, eye movement de-sensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), emotional freedom technique (EFT) or tapping, or the rewind technique. These have been shown to greatly reduce or eliminate symptoms of post-traumatic stress by helping move stored memories from the hippocampus to the neocortex, bringing a sense of resolution to the trauma.
If your symptoms are severe, please get guidance from your doctor as to which treatment or combination of treatments will be most effective for you. If you try one of these therapies and it doesn’t work, try another. Don’t give up. Deep breathing techniques, meditation, and yoga will also help you to relax. You need to get relief from the suffering. Please make this a priority.
Try saying the affirmation “I am safe” several times right before bedtime each night so that it has a chance to affect your subconscious mind while you are sleeping. This may help to alleviate feelings of fear and insecurity. As previously mentioned, affirmations may be more likely to work if you also write them down right before bedtime several times in a row. Give the new belief a few months to settle in.
In fact, do whatever you need to do to feel safe again. For example, you may want to take a self-defense class or get a dog for protection. To improve your sense of security at home, if your house doesn’t have an alarm system, get one and use it. Personally, I also like to visualize archangels wrapping their wings around my children and me and guarding each of the doors to my home. I thank them for keeping us safe.
TRUST THE PROCESS
“A woman is just like a teabag. You put her in hot water
and she just gets stronger.”
―ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
It is going to take you a while to recover from both the abuse you suffered and your divorce. I recommend that you wait to jump back into the dating game until you have taken the time you need to heal. How much time to take is different for each divorced woman. My healing took longer than three years. It is still a work in progress. Divorce can change you into a bitter person who feels cheated, a needy woman who is constantly looking for a partner to make her happy, or a liberated woman with all life’s possibilities ahead of her.
One of the lessons of my recovery was to learn not to derive my happiness outside of me, as I already have everything I need to be happy. I am not talking about material things. I am talking about loving myself and trusting my own capabilities. Now I no longer look for a partner to make me happy or to be whole, but for companionship. Making myself happy is my responsibility. Nobody else could make me happy if I didn’t feel good about myself or grateful for what I have right now. Living in the past mentally only kept me a victim, and I no longer wish to stay there. Because I am content already, I want to be in a relationship with a man who is already content with his life. I trust that I will know when it is time to open my heart in a new relationship.
It is important to figure out what gives you joy as you engage in your life. I find a lot of delight in a cup of tea, a relaxing bath, taking a long walk in nature, listening to the birds, hearing my children’s voices, and hugging a friend. Simple things. Our connections with other people and ourselves are what bring us happiness. It will help to reconnect with family and develop strong friendships with other women during your recovery.
I recommend that you read a lot of books on personal development. You also may want to read the Bible or books on spirituality. Question everything.
You are entering a new phase of your life and this transition gives you an opportunity to expand the possibilities of what you want to do, have, and be. I began researching and writing this book to help other women heal and to heal myself. Writing has now become an important part of my life. Perhaps you would also enjoy writing. Start a journal.
Do your best to view your divorce as the beginning of a new chapter in your life. Take some classes, try new things, exercise, and travel. Get out of your comfort zone. Take an evening course at your local high school, join a book club or a runners’ group. Go back to church or try a new one. Go to a Meetup group that seems interesting to you. Volunteer. Now is the time for you to rebuild your life and self-esteem. If you want to be happily married to someone else in the future, you must first learn to care for yourself and be content with your life while single. Enjoy your freedom by using it to find out who you are, what you like, and what truly makes you happy. It will make your life more interesting and make you a more interesting person.
STAND UP
“The most common way people give up their power is
by thinking that they don’t have any.”
―ALICE WALKER
The lesson of having to stand up for my interests has turned up time and again since the divorce. If this is one of your issues, it is going to turn up repeatedly for you as well until you finally learn the lesson. A couple of years after my divorce, a large tree branch fell off in my front yard. I got a couple of verbal bids to remove the branch and the tree from my yard, and both quotes were high. The bid that I accepted was from someone who had done a lot of work for me in the past. He had already come in and removed the tree branch without asking before he gave me his bid. He then padded the bill by a considerable amount, claiming that he had done two jobs—removing the branch and removing the tree.
In the past, I would have just paid the bill to avoid conflict and then allowed myself to feel victimized. But I had been taken advantage of so many times that I was done being passive. I remained calm and polite and was emphatic that I had requested a quote for the whole job, and that removing the tree, including the branch, was one job, not two. He tried to argue, but I stood firm, and he finally acquiesced. I then sent him a check for the amount of his original bid.
Some people will keep pushing you until they know what your boundaries are. If you don’t set boundaries, you are going to be unhappy, because people will take the space you give them. It’s not personal. This is just the way human beings behave. So, get used to it.
By the way, violating people’s boundaries is not good for anyone. Those who do it will lose respect not only for you but also for themselves for not being strong enough to resist taking advantage of you. You aren’t doing them any favors by not standing up for yourself.
When you feel someone is crossing a line, give yourself permission to speak up. Just be respectful, firm, and fair in doing so. You do not have to explain or defend yourself. A simple no will do and is best in most cases. This also applies to boundaries you set with your children.
We are all here, in this life, to learn lessons, and to give and receive love. We all make mistakes and have a lot to learn throughout our lives; I believe that is the reason why we are here. Don’t expect to be perfect or feel bad because you aren’t because you never will be. Nobody else is, either. You are enough just as you are.
Self-acceptance in itself is a lesson. You must accept and love yourself as you are if you are going to make any progress. Of course, it is nearly impossible to do this if someone in your life is belittling and criticizing you at every turn—including you.
No one is coming on your behalf to save you from challenging people and circumstances. You can and must learn to do it for yourself. On a spiritual level, the greatest gift you can give to your ex-husband is to show him there are consequences to not being a loving and supportive spouse and consequences for violating your boundaries. The sooner that happens, the sooner that he will learn his lessons. You both deserve to be free of each other.
Your needs, your value, and your happiness are just as important in God’s eyes as anyone else’s. You also deserve your forgiveness and compassion for having made mistakes. Master potters from Japan intentionally mark well-made pieces of pottery to give them a flaw, so that they will be beautiful, not perfect. Wabi-sabi is the name for this aesthetic or worldview, which comes from the Buddhist philosophy of imperfection, impermanence, and incompletion. Being human means being imperfect and our uniqueness makes each of us beautiful and precious.
DISENGAGE
“Success is a state of mind. If you want success, start thinking of yourself as a success.”
―JOYCE BROTHERS
As much as is possible, try to avoid or limit contact with your abusive ex-husband after your divorce. He likely will try to continue to abuse you. You may need to get a legal restraining order to prevent him from contacting you. Unless you absolutely must maintain some form of contact with him for the children, I recommend you change your phone number and block his emails. If he must have your phone number, listen to messages that he leaves you instead of answering the phone and engaging in upsetting conversations. You can respond briefly by text if you must. But in many cases, the best response is no response at all. He is trying to elicit a reaction from you.
If you have a home or other real estate that must be refinanced or sold, you won’t be able to stop dealing with your ex-husband entirely for a while after the divorce. But let the bank, the realtor, or the attorney handle the real estate transaction as much as possible. You do not have to be in contact regularly with your ex-husband to take care of the matter.
If your ex-husband was abusive to your children during the marriage, you might be able to limit their contact with him to supervised visits or eliminate contact entirely if you can prove to a judge that this is in their best interest. Remember to document his behavior, identifying specific dates and occurrences of verbal and physical abuse, so that you can sue for sole custody. Request the court to do a psychological evaluation of him for anger management issues or other psychological problems because you have concerns about leaving your children alone with him.
Other reasons that warrant restricted visitation include the threat of parental kidnapping, a history of drug or alcohol abuse, suicide threats, or criminal convictions. If your ex-husband has a substance abuse problem, see if the court is willing to order weekly testing. If he has been abusive to you, it is possible that he will begin to be abusive to your children if you are no longer there to be his punching bag. Look at their faces when they come home to see what kind of time they had with their father. Ask them a lot of questions about meals, their treatment, and whether they were left unsupervised or in someone else’s care during visits with their father. And be on the lookout for bruises.
Document when your ex-husband does not show up for planned visitation so that you can have his right of visitation revoked after a reasonable period—let’s say after three months. Your children do not need him to subject them to any more disappointment and unpredictability.
Meanwhile, be sure to spend plenty of one-on-one time with each of your children, engaging in enjoyable activities. Ask them about their feelings. Their world has just changed forever, and they need to know that you will always be there for them.
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN
“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.”
―ANGELA SCHWINDT
Years ago, The Moody Blues wrote the song “Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say.” Adhering to this principle of healthy communication can be much more difficult than it seems.
You probably have had a problem with setting boundaries for a very, very long time, or else you would not have been in an abusive relationship. Throughout your marriage, it was not safe for you to say no. It was not safe for you to express your feelings and needs. It was not safe for another person to be angry with you and for you to be OK with that.
