Where'd You Park Your Spaceship?, page 38
The girls love it. AWWWWWWW. They make that noise
girls make when they see a kitten.
A few boys say EWWWWW. Like there’s a dead animal
under the couch.
Does he talk?
That kid again, the heckler on the left.
Noon Yeah steps towards the heckler. Well YOU clearly
know how to talk! But the question is: Do you ever say
anything interesting???
The kids erupt.
Lines has the biggest smile on his face. He steps next to
me and whispers She’s a legend.
And apparently she’s just getting started. What’s your
name? she asks the kid.
Doon.
Doon?
He sticks his chest out. Defiant. Yes. Doon.
Well Doon, would you please come down here and help
me figure something out?
Ooooooohhhhhhh. The suspense in the air. I have no idea
what she has in mind, but she has these kids in the palm
of her hand.
Doon is big, really big. Way bigger than Lines. I knew kids
like this. Everything is about dominance. Power. They
always have to be on top.
Noon Yeah shakes his hand. Pleasure to meet you Doon,
I’m Noon Yeah. I notice that you have a lot to say. So it
seems only natural that you would join me here on stage
and help me. Because I have a question. Can you answer
my question?
He’s still defiant, but with just a touch of uncertainty.
Sure he says.
Noon Yeah claps. Great. Because Heen here is a baker.
How many of you eat bread in your house?
Hands go up all over.
Right. Bread is part of life, we all know that. Where would
we be without our daily bread? And what is bread made
of?
She reaches in the box I’m holding and takes out a sack
of flour. Well, several things. First, you need flour.
She holds up the bag. But flour is tricky. Have you ever
seen flour, Doon?
He looks around like it might be a trick question. He
decides it’s safe to proceed. Yeah, duh. Everybody has.
Noon Yeah pats him on the shoulder. Of course! Couldn’t
have said it better myself.
The build up is killing me.
Where is she going with this?
But the kids.
They’re riveted.
She hands him the sack of flour. Could you please hold
this just for a minute?
She opens the top and folds it back so the kids can see
the flour. Can you all see the flour?
YESES all over the ravine.
Can you see the flour Doon?
He looks down at the flour. He lowers his head so his
nose is a few inches from it. Yes. I. can.
He’s trying to be funny.
Three kids laugh.
Noon Yeah motions to Lines to take off his cape as she
says Which is why flour can be so tricky. You’re just
standing there holding it-
She puts the cape on. She starts walking in a circle
around Doon
-minding your own business when all of the sudden-
She walks in front of Doon as she lifts up the cape and
then brings it down with a flourish. The gust of wind this
creates blows flour all over Doon.
It’s like an explosion. Kids are yelling, laughing, jumping to
their feet, swinging their feet above us on the bridges.
Lines is pumping both of his fists above his head.
Noon Yeah continues Someone walks by and JUST BY
WALKING BY they disturb so much air that now you’re
covered in flour!
She takes another lap around Doon, talking the whole
way.
Or you’re just standing there minding your own sweet
business-
she ends up in front of him and then steps towards him When someone accidentally bumps into you-
She runs into him and flour goes all over him again, this
time up his nose and in his mouth.
Kids are losing their minds.
They will talk about this for laps.
How did she manage to not get any on her? Did she
practice? Has she done this before?
And now AGAIN you’ve got flour all over you!
She starts another circle around him.
Orrrrr…
She turns to the kids. Like they’re good friends. That thing
I’ve seen her do so many times.
Your friend gets a new dog. Anybody had this happen?
Your friend’s new dog is a spastic little hairy Weener-
Did she just say WEENER?
Because every kid in the school has that exact question
right now.
They love it.
-and that WEENER thing just can’t stop jumping on
everybody and you’re just trying to bake some bread
when your friend brings that new dog over and it runs in
your house and tries to jump up on you-
She’s in front of him now-
But it’s just a little WEENER DOG right? It’s not that tall so
it bumps it’s little WEENER HEAD on your hands which
are holding the flour for your bread-
She knocks his hands under the flour sack and of course
it goes all over him again-
And now you’ve got flour all over you AGAIN!
This has happened so fast.
Doon has no idea what to do.
I see a row of four girls dressed like parakeets wiping their
eyes they’re laughing so hard.
How did Noon Yeah know to pick THIS kid?
Because clearly everybody in the school has wanted to
do something like this to him for a long time.
COMEUPPANCE. That’s the word for it.
I believe he has officially received his.
At the hands of Noon Yeah. A SIGN 7.
If only Doon knew.
She steps to the front edge of the stage. So when we say
that Heen is a BAKER, that means he works with flour ALL
DAY LONG. And flour, as DOON WILL TELL YOU, flour is
not the easiest thing to work with, can we all agree to
that?
Waves of laughter up and down the ravine.
Clapping.
Kids high-fiving each other.
Noon Yeah turns to me.
You are unbelievable I say.
I am she replies.
She turns back to the students. Now, Doon, I’m going to need a new volunteer for this next part.
There’s more?
She has something else planned?
Noon Yeah steps next to Doon. Doon, could you please
pick someone?
Doon did not see that coming.
Standing there covered in flour.
He is suddenly so happy.
He surveys the students.
He takes his time.
He is savoring this turn of events.
He points to a girl in the center about half way back.
KIXSY FLOOGER, COME ON DOWN!!! he yells.
I can’t imagine the layers of context that must be in play
here because his choice of Kixsy Flooger sends shock
waves through the school. Lines can’t believe it. Oh this is
insane. This is totally insane he mutters.
I ask him What’s that about?
Lines gives me a THAT’S A VERY COMPLICATED
QUESTION LOOK. Well, Kixsy likes Bromfin but he’s going
with Lima Leens who used to be with Zay Moo who did
like Kixsy but lately has been telling anybody who will
listen that he fancies Deemee Cruzee who used to be best
friends with Kixsy until she and Doon became an item so
you can only imagine how him picking her is totally insane.
I nod. Wow. I see what you mean.
A group of kids in the back are chanting Kixsy! Kixsy!
Kixsy Flooger stands up and makes her way towards the
stage. She looks like a…well…like a Kixsy Flooger. Like
she knows exactly who she is and what she’s doing here.
She’s dressed like Ma’am Neffi.
AS Ma’am Neffi.
Pointy shoes and all.
She even has a fake bird attached to her shoulder.
With orange feathers.
Lines tells me. She thinks she should run the school.
That’s funny I say.
No, she’s totally serious. Lines says this very seriously.
Like he’s a little frightened of her.
Kixsy steps on stage. You are such a badass she says as
she hugs Noon Yeah.
I am Noon Yeah replies. She starts pacing back and forth
across the front of the stage. Now, so far we have firmly
established that to bake bread you first need flour. This of
course raises the question: What else do you need to
bake bread?
She lets the question linger there in the air. A boy about
three rows back dressed in a banana outfit-but it’s brown
so I assume he’s a rotten banana?-raises his hand. Noon
Yeah points to him Yes?
Butter? he asks.
Nope. You can butter your bread, but you don’t need
butter to make your bread. An important distinction. Thank
you for bringing that to our attention.
It strikes me that she could have roasted that kid. She
could have made him feel so dumb. And the kids would
have LOVED it. They would have piled on. Laughing at
him and thinking she’s even more cool than they already
do. Calling him BUTTER BOY. But she didn’t. She
absolutely torched Doon, but this kid in the rotten banana
outfit? She takes his question and finds a way to affirm
the kid and thank him for BRINGING THAT TO OUR
ATTENTION.
Anyone else? What do you need besides FLOUR to bake
bread?
A hand raises in the back. A girl stands up. She’s wearing
pink. There’s a giant eyeball on the front of her shirt.
Sugar? she asks.
You’d think so, right? Noon Yeah points to the girl. But no,
you don’t need any sugar to bake bread-Weird, huh?
A few nods.
You know what else you need?
She comes over to me and takes the rubber water jug out
of the box. She holds it up. WATER!!!
She hands the jug to Kixsy. But you have to be really
careful, because water needs a container-
As she’s handing the jug to Kixsy she squeezes it.
It sprays all over Kixsy.
You’d think the kids would have seen that coming.
You’d think I would have seen that coming.
But I didn’t. They didn’t.
Kixsy has water all over the front of her outfit.
She’s in shock.
The kids lose it.
Again.
I hear a snort.
Doon is laughing so hard it looks like he’s got flour
coming out his nose.
WELL YOU NEVER KNOW WITH WATER, RIGHT?!!!
Noon Yeah yells over the laughing and cheering. She
takes the container from Kixsy and holds it above her
head as she walks along the front row.
It’s at the bottom of the well, it flows down the mountain,
SOMETIMES IT EVEN FALLS FROM THE SKY!
Noon Yeah squeezes the jug and sprays it all over the first
two rows on the right. Kids shriek and scream and laugh
and shout.
WATER IS EVERYWHERE!!! she says as she does this.
She stands still.
The chaos subsides.
It’s electric.
The entire ravine.
No one knows what Noon Yeah will do next.
Including me.
I just stand here holding my box.
Along for the ride.
She keeps going.
How many of you have a body?
They go blank.
What an odd question.
I laugh out loud.
That’s so dumb it’s funny I say to myself.
Noon Yeah is unstoppable. Your body is about sixty
percent water. You already know this. But how strange is it
that one of the main ingredients in bread is also what your
body is mostly made of?
She turns to Doon. You ever think about that?
He’s dumbfounded.
She squirts him in the face.
You thinking about it now?
Kixsy clearly thinks this is the greatest thing she has ever
seen. She appears to have quickly forgotten that she’s
drenched she is so enjoying watching water and dough
mix on Doon’s face.
Noon Yeah steps back to the front of the stage.
She stretches out her arms.
I have no idea why she does this.
The kids get quiet.
Oh. That’s why she did that.
The gesture communicates to them that something new is
about to happen.
She doesn’t have to say anything.
She just does something they haven’t seen her do yet.
Brilliant.
She’s wearing those black pants today. The ones with the
pockets on the side that she wore the first time she was in
my room. She’s wearing the jacket Dill Tudd made me. It’s
just a bit too big for her but somehow she makes that
look intentional. Like it’s exactly the right size. How did I
not notice that she’s wearing the jacket until now? Where
has my head been? Her back is to me. I see the lightning
bolt. That red lightning bolt, sewn by Dill Tudd.
So, to bake bread we need FLOUR.
She points to Doon.
And WATER.
She puts her arm around soaking but beaming Kixsy.
I still have no idea where this is all headed.
And one more ingredient. I would ask you what it is but it’s
so MYSTERIOUS I’ll just show you.
They watch her intently.
So do I.
That’s the brilliance right there.
She leaves them hanging.
She slowly walks over to me.
She is in no rush.
She takes the jar of starter out of the box.
She turns and walks off the front of the stage, up the
ravine.
In among the students.
They’re thrilled.
As she walks she reaches in and takes out little bits of
starter and hands the bits to different kids. They’re so
excited to get something from her but when they do and
it’s sticky and strange they don’t know what to do with it.
I see a boy smell it.
One girl licks it and then spits it out.
Up the ravine she goes, passing out the starter.
THIS IS CALLED STARTER. It’s the third ingredient.
Anybody know what starter is made of?
No one knows.
She stops about half way up.
Noon Yeah, literally standing in the middle of the school.
Every single kid glued to her.
I wonder how I got here.
How did SHE get here?
And how does she know what to do?
She keeps talking.
HERE’S THE THING THAT BLOWS MY GOURD ABOUT
STARTER: IT’S MADE OF FLOUR AND WATER!
She bends down so she’s right in a girl's face.
THE THIRD INGREDIENT IS MADE OF THE FIRST TWO
INGREDIENTS!!!
She stands up straight and spreads out her arms.
WHAT IS BREAD MADE OF? THREE THINGS!!! THE
FIRST INGREDIENT, THE SECOND INGREDIENT, AND
THEN THE FIRST INGREDIENT ADDED TO THE SECOND INGREDIENT WHICH IS THE THIRD INGREDIENT!!!
I’ve never thought about it like that.
And I’m a baker.
DO YOU SEE HOW WEIRD AND WONDERFUL THIS IS?
she shouts. Kids are smiling all around her.
She’s winning them over again, but in a new way. Not with
stunts and pranks and spills, but with the WEIRDNESS
and WONDER of it all.
Now I know what some of you are thinking. You’re
thinking: BUT NOON YEAH, IF YOU HAVE THE FIRST
TWO INGREDIENTS THEN YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED! To which I say: You would think so. But that’s not how it works. Starter is what you get when you mix flour
and water AND THEN YOU LET IT SIT. For a while. Days.
Weeks. Laps. Because when these two hang out for a
while together you know what they do? They create
something new that didn’t exist before that isn’t either of
them. That means TIME is one of the main ingredients of
bread. And you know what these two ingredients do when
they have TIME together? They FERMENT.
A hand goes up on one of the bridges.
Noon Yeah sees it.
Yes, up there-you have a question?
The girl is dressed in an all white one-piece outfit with
irregularly shaped red spots sewn on all over.
I look over at Lines.
He knows my question. She’s dressed as a rash.
A rash?
Yep. A rash he says. Like that explains it.
RASH GIRL asks her question: Isn’t FERMENTING like
ROTTING?
A few murmurs.
GREAT question. And yes, it kind of is. But it’s different-it’s
like a controlled, purposeful rot. Which means good
bacteria, not bad bacteria. See what I mean by how
mysterious it all is?
Another hand.
A boy, sitting in the doorway of one of the classrooms.
Isn’t fermentation how you get beer?
They love that one.
Lots of cheers.
Yes! Exactly. Noon Yeah goes with it. And wine. And
cheese. Anybody have any cheese on them?
She’s asking for cheese?
I DO! comes a voice from just over to my right. A girl
stands up holding a slice of cheese. Her face is painted
