Secrets of Our House, page 4
Jules opened her mouth, then closed it and nodded. She was a terrible liar, always had been. “Juliette, you didn’t use protection? Why?”
She shrugged, her cheeks reddening from the admission. “We were just in the moment.”
Desi took a deep breath. “That’s the same excuse uttered by every woman who’s ever gotten unexpectedly pregnant. Or an STD,” she added. “We’ll get you the morning after pill.”
“Mom, no. I’m not putting that crap into my body. I’m not ovulating. It’s fine.”
She couldn’t believe she was having this conversation during the Fourth of July. Happy birthday, America! Did you know my daughter just had unprotected sex?
“Juliette, stranger things have happened. You’re taking it.”
Jules rolled her eyes, then began chewing on her cuticle again.
Desi lowered Jules’s arm. “Stop that.” Jules had the hands of a worker: calluses; short, uneven nails lined with caked dirt; bloody cuticles. Whenever she took Jules to get a manicure, her nails were ruined the next day.
“Please don’t tell Dad.”
Desi scoffed. She’d gotten so used to not telling him things, she could just add this one to the list.
Sensing the tough part of the conversation was over, Jules released a breath and started clapping as the parade began.
“Weren’t you supposed to meet Ava and her friends?”
“I did.” Jules covered her eyes with one hand and searched the crowd. She bit on her bottom lip in lieu of her cuticles, tearing at the tender flesh until a prick of blood dotted her lower lip. “I’m going to meet back up with them.”
“Not dressed like that you’re not. Let’s go get you an outfit from Lenore’s shop.”
Jules rolled her eyes again, but then nodded. They were in and out in five minutes flat, and Desi stuffed the bloodied jean shorts and underwear into her purse. They claimed a fresh patch of curb and waited for Will’s plane.
“Are Will’s parents here today?” She hadn’t yet met Lenore or William Sr., but she understood the gist of the situation from snippets of Will and Jules’s conversation. She didn’t understand how any woman in her forties could face the surrender of her own body, how she had to say goodbye to her children while still alive.
“William Sr. is flying. Lenore didn’t feel up to it.” Jules glanced up at the bright blue sky again. “You think they’ll be okay?”
Sometimes, Desi could still see the kid in Jules, that innocence bubbling up when she was uncertain, which was rare.
“I know they will.”
She nodded, her eyes serious, before she broke into a smile and waved. Ava and her friends knotted together on the next street corner.
Jules turned back to her mother and before she could even ask, Desi shooed her away. “Go be with your friends.”
“You sure?”
“Positive.” She checked her watch. “We can meet up once Dad and Will are back on the ground?”
Jules nodded and jogged over to her friends, who swallowed her in a gaggle of teen gossip and excitement.
To be so young again, Desi thought wistfully. Watching Jules fall in love reminded her so much of her past. She’d been older than Jules, but those feelings were fierce.
She tried to put herself in Jules’s shoes now. It probably felt like her whole world was just cracking open, and she’d have to leave this place and the people in it. She’d been there too, but she also had the hindsight now to realize that young love was sometimes just that, and that you couldn’t bet your whole future on it working out.
Desi walked a few paces and bought herself a lemonade. She sipped the sickly sweet drink and then found a vacant spot on the same curb. Bored, she fished her phone from her back pocket and checked for service. To her surprise, her phone began to ring in her palm, the volume cranked high. She smiled apologetically at the woman next to her, who gave her a stern look, and quickly lowered the volume.
Blocked number.
Probably just a telemarketer. She declined the number, but it rang again. Desi sighed dramatically. Rather than turn it off, she set her lemonade on the ground and answered.
She waited. The parade ballooned around her, and she pressed a finger to her ear to hear better.
“I didn’t know you still drank lemonade.”
Desi whipped around as she searched the pink cheeks, wide smiles, and festive community for her brother, Tommy. Every tall, lean guy in a baseball cap. Every lanky male in his early forties. She turned in a complete circle. “Why are you calling me from a blocked number?”
“You know I’ve always loved the element of surprise,” he joked.
“Where are you?”
He ignored her question. “Jules has grown a foot.”
“Well, if you were ever around, you’d know that,” she snapped. Her brother, also a Marine, still occasionally suffered from PTSD and mood swings, had had a brief but nearly fatal stint with drugs, and usually only showed up when he needed money. Desi began to work her way toward Jules, except she wasn’t on the corner. “When did you get back?”
“Last week,” he said.
“Where were you this time?”
“Morocco.”
Desi didn’t ask him what he was doing there. He came and went as he pleased, borrowing money, crashing with her or other friends when things got really bad, then disappearing just as quickly. Desi struggled to listen for sounds in the background, to figure out exactly where he was.
He said something else but cut out and then the line went dead. Desi stared at the phone in her hand, annoyed, then gathered her thoughts and searched for Jules and her friends.
Suddenly, the band started and the crowd erupted into clapping, yelling, singing, and marching. Someone bumped her from behind and she spun around, but it was just a teenager. She thought of the man in the plaid shirt again. She wasn’t sure if she secretly wanted Carter to show up, or if that would literally be the worst thing that could happen.
The band marched down the wide street, their brass instruments noisy and slightly off-key. Desi moved farther onto the curb, feigning excitement as her eyes scanned the crowd.
A few minutes later, Will’s plane shot into the sky, the giant American flag surging behind it. The crowd whooped. The sun pierced the edge of the plane and made it sparkle.
Suddenly, Will took a nosedive, and the crowd gasped. A small jolt of terror stiffened her body, until he righted and hooked left. She relaxed. He was just showing off. She looked down at her cell again, practically willing Tommy to call her back. Now, a red stream of smoke inked the sky, and everyone cheered.
She continued to watch the plane and simultaneously search for Jules. A little girl on her father’s shoulders clapped, her chubby thighs squeezing both sides of his red neck.
“Plane!” she cheered. “Plane, plane!” Her blond, curly hair bounced under her yellow sun hat.
Desi steadied her thoughts and continued to watch the plane carve tracks in the sky. What was supposed to be a relaxing summer had instantly turned complex. Her brother was here, she was receiving texts from Carter, Jules was having sex, and Peter seemed to grow less and less emotionally available.
But more than that, her past was catching up to her, whether she was ready or not.
4
Desi
AFTER Will’s performance, she walked briskly to the airport hangar, where they’d arranged to meet.
She kept checking behind her, expecting to see Tommy. As she neared the hangar, Jules adjusted her red dress, already talking to Peter and Will, who seemed to be buzzing from their air time. Before she reached them, a figure appeared from behind the hangar. She stopped in her tracks as Tommy extended his arms and shouted Peter’s name.
Peter shielded his eyes from the unrelenting sun to see who it was. Jules turned too, and then she yelped and ran toward Tommy.
“Uncle Tommy!” Jules practically threw herself at him.
Peter broke into a grin. Though Peter also got frustrated with Tommy’s immature behavior, they’d served together, which bonded them in ways she couldn’t comprehend. Yet she was always the one who shelled out money or dealt with his debilitating mood swings. She’d suggested therapy a million times, but he always refused.
“Mom!” Jules looked at her incredulously, holding Tommy by the shoulders. “Did you know about this?”
Desi wiped the concern from her face and joined them. “Nope! I’m as surprised as you are.” She turned to Tommy, hands on her hips. “How did you find us, Tom?” She hadn’t seen or talked to her brother in months.
“Your assistant. He just adores your big brother.” He batted his long, thick eyelashes, and she wanted to punch him. He’d always been part protector, part bully. He was trying to bully her now, playing a twisted game of hide-and-seek. But, if she knew Tommy, he just wanted somewhere free to crash for a while.
Jules wrapped her arms around his waist and squeezed. Though she wasn’t an affectionate girl, she always made an exception for Tommy. When Tommy playfully tapped a dramatic submission to Jules’s strong grip, she pulled away and assessed her uncle. She flicked a finger toward his face. “What’s with the creepy porn ’stache?”
“What? You don’t like it?” Tommy stroked his blond mustache.
“It’s totally creepy,” Desi confirmed. “You look like a pedophile.”
“Mom,” Jules said. “Gross.”
“I like it,” Peter said. “Very 1980s.”
“Exactly,” Tommy said. He snapped at him and erected a cheesy pose. “Plus, the ladies love it.”
Jules rolled her eyes. “You wish.”
Tommy turned toward Will. “And who’s this asshole?”
Jules slapped Tommy on the arm. “This is Will. My boyfriend.”
“Boyfriend?” He slung an easy arm around Jules’s shoulders. “Does Dad approve?”
Peter crossed his arms, widened his stance as if he were about to give some sort of lecture, and stared intently at Will. Finally, he nodded. “I do approve.”
Will mimed wiping sweat from his brow.
“Mom, can he stay?”
Beside her, Tommy steepled his hands in a mock prayer.
“Is that why you’re here?”
“I mean, I could stay a few days, sure.” Tommy nodded like he’d just thought of it.
Rather than argue, she tried to diffuse the situation. “We’ll talk about it, okay?”
They weaved back toward the parade. Desi wanted to go home, soak in a long, hot bath, and begin again tomorrow. Instead, once they were back on the main strip, Tommy grabbed her elbow. “We’ll go get everyone drinks. Any takers?”
They rattled off their requests and Tommy steered her toward a food truck that offered nonalcoholic drinks and local craft beers. Desi jerked her arm free and moved ahead of him to stand in line.
“Don’t be mad,” he said.
She turned and really studied his face. “How could I not be? You only show up when you need something.” She lowered her voice. “What kind of example does that set for Jules?”
“Jules is grown,” he said. “Plus, my landlord rented out my place while I was gone.”
“Let me guess: because you didn’t pay rent?”
“This isn’t on me,” he said, stabbing his chest. “Do you know how hard it is for veterans to get work?”
“I do know,” she snapped. “But some manage just fine.”
He sighed. “We can’t all be like Mr. Perfect Peter.”
She wasn’t just thinking of Peter. She massaged her temples. She didn’t have the energy to argue. If she gave in, he would milk her dry. First, it would be a few days, then a month, then he’d find a way to live in The Black House permanently for free.
She dropped her hands, inched forward in line. She started to speak, then stopped.
“What?”
“Are you in some kind of trouble, Tom?” She searched his face and arms, to make sure he wasn’t using.
“Hey. Look at me.” His grip was strong and reminded her of when he’d taught her a few core wrestling moves as a kid. Somewhere under this righteous facade was the brother she adored, but right now, she was pissed. “I really did just want to see you. I want to spend time with Jules before she leaves. Is that so wrong?”
She took a step back. “No, it’s not wrong. But a phone call would have been nice.”
“It’ll be fun.” He spread his arms wide again, revealing a few new tattoos on both forearms: a scrawled quote on his left, a woman’s curvy body covered by a thick green snake on his right. “I’ve got the rest of the summer.”
Desi shook her head. “You’re not staying with us until the end of summer. No.” She sliced her hand in a firm line in the air.
He ignored her declaration as they stepped up to the window. “Plus, I’m just dying to see this black house everyone’s going on and on about,” he tossed over his shoulder. “I want to see my little sister’s masterpiece for myself.” He rattled off their drink orders, not a care in the world. Was he actually enjoying this?
She slapped her credit card on the counter and walked back to the group with two cold beers in hand.
The man in the plaid shirt darted through the crowd again, and she stopped, ramming into Tommy’s back. Beer sloshed from the plastic cup. She murmured an apology and whipped around, but the guy was gone.
“You good?” he asked, pinching his eyebrows together in concern.
She stared into the empty void where the man had just been. Was her mind playing tricks on her, or could that possibly be Carter?
She nodded, her body primed for fight or flight. “Yeah, I’m good.”
5
Desi
SHE couldn’t sleep.
She bypassed the guest room, where Tommy had made himself immediately at home. She kicked his shoes from the middle of the hallway and laced up her own. She slipped out the door and sucked the frigid air into her lungs. Medicine. She stretched her quads, limbered her hamstrings, and took off toward the trail.
Her head pounded from all the drinks coupled with Tommy’s sudden appearance. She crunched over leaves as the temperature dropped even more in the shadow of trees.
Desi’s foot snagged on a root and she stumbled, then righted herself before slamming into a low-hanging tree branch. Jesus, I can’t even clear my head on a run.
A sudden rustling made her stop, but it was just a squirrel launching itself between two trees. She picked up the pace and completed the loop, drenched and gasping. No matter how far or fast she ran, she couldn’t escape herself. She couldn’t escape what she’d done or what she really wanted, and she was starting to feel desperate.
She entered through the back of the house, removed her shoes, and flipped on a few lights in the kitchen. Inside, she grabbed her phone from her purse and asked Siri to call Beth. She stepped outside and walked to the golden spot with so-so reception.
Beth had twin girls and was always up, so she knew it wouldn’t be too early to call. Roommates in college, she and Beth had remained friends through exams, drugs, binges, boyfriends, engagements, marriage, babies, depression, emergency room visits, and losing relatives. Though their lives were different now, Beth still remembered the pre-wife, pre-mother version of Desi, which she struggled to remember herself. And while Beth didn’t know everything, she knew enough about Desi’s past, and the possible consequences.
After two tries, it was clear the call wouldn’t connect. Desi walked back into the kitchen and realized her phone was still on Do Not Disturb. She had a few unread texts. Before she could thumb through them, Peter shuffled into the kitchen, dragging a hand through his hair.
“Morning,” she said. She pocketed her phone. His hair was rumpled, and he looked more rested than he had in quite some time.
He studied her outfit. “Did you already go for a run?” He almost sounded impressed as he filled the carafe for coffee and shook some grounds into the filter.
“I did. Couldn’t sleep.” She kept her voice neutral; she didn’t want to give away how much Tommy’s appearance had rattled her.
“How long is Tom staying?”
That was a loaded question. “Not sure,” she said. She sat on an island stool, her heart still pounding from her run and the possibility of another unread text from Carter.
“Kind of crazy that he just showed up out of the blue like that, huh?” Peter scratched his two-day stubble as the coffee hissed into the pot.
“You know Tommy.”
“That I do.”
She searched his face. “I have a question.”
“Shoot.” He leaned against the counter, arms crossed.
“What’s happening with us?” What she really meant was what was going to happen after the summer?
Peter looked out at the pool and sighed. “What do you mean?”
“Peter, we came here as a last-ditch effort, and you can barely stand to be in the same room.”
“That’s not true.”
It was true, but she didn’t bother arguing. “I thought we were going to try what my therapist suggested.” Her therapist thought a new environment might loosen some of their old patterns, but here they were, avoiding each other, sprinkled with moments of normalcy.
“Aren’t we?”
Desi didn’t know what to say. “We’ve just drifted so much.”
“People drift.”
She nodded. “They do, but…”
“But what?”
She thought back to the first part of the parade. “Yesterday felt different. Lighter.”
He nodded. “It did.”
She wanted to know why the tenor of their relationship hung on his every mood. She constantly walked on eggshells, and she was tired of it. “With Jules going off to college, I just want to make sure we know what we’re doing.”
He studied her, his face impenetrable. “What do you want to do?”
What a loaded question. “I was hoping this summer would bring some answers, but I feel like we’re running out of time.”
Peter again ran a hand through his hair. “It’s not just on you, Des.”
