Exposing The Groom, page 15
“Third time isn’t always a charm, Scar.”
I softly punch his shoulder. “Aren’t priests supposed to be optimistic?”
He looks away from me, his cheeks going red. “Yeah we’re supposed to be a lot of things, apparently.” He licks his lips. “You never asked, you know, why I became a priest.”
I tilt my head. “I guess it just never came up. After we rekindled our friendship, you were already a priest and I was already broken.”
“You were never broken, just a bit damaged, like a bird who—”
“Loses its wings?”
“Hell, no.” He laughs. “I’m not that cheesy. I was going to say like a sad little baby bird that gets kicked out of the nest and is forced to fly but goes splat over and over again.”
“Encouraging. I can see why your congregation loves you.”
He lets out a belly laugh. “Oh yeah, it’s definitely because they don’t like my good looks. Riveted, they’re riveted.”
“The deep voice helps.” I put my hand on his forearm, he reaches over and covers it with his. It’s warm, comforting.
His eyes flicker down to my mouth.
I don’t know what’s happening, but the firelight under the moon makes it feel dangerous, I start to slide my hand away, but he grips it firm. “We broke up, because I was an idiot, and when I finally got up enough courage to reach out a few months later you were already dating someone else, and then in a whirlwind of announcements you were engaged.”
“I was heartbroken,” I say simply. “And then some rich good-looking guy came along and treated me like glass, which I recently discovered is the worst possible thing ever and people like that should be kicked in the balls.”
“Repeatedly,” he agrees.
“And it felt like a fairy tale, and I was just getting over the darkness, I felt fulfilled and happy, and I wasn’t scared anymore or sad. He treated my family amazingly, and I fell hard and fast. I imagine this is how it feels to be conned? Anyway, he helped me get over you in the way I needed.”
“Wow.” Adrian drops my hand and looks away, then stands and starts pacing. “Are you telling me had I been a few weeks earlier? A month? That we’d be together right now?”
I frown. “Adrian, that’s not how the universe works.”
He kicks the chair next to him and tears at his hair. “Fuck!”
I jump a foot. He has his hands on his hips now and he’s looking away from me like he can’t bear to look at me.
“Adrian?”
He turns abruptly. “You always told me to follow my heart, and I was so fucking heartbroken that I followed my stupidass sister to her church, and I finally felt good about something about a purpose. I went into seminary that next week after graduation.”
My stomach drops. “Are you saying you became a priest…” I can’t say it, I can’t breathe the words out loud.
“Ironic.” He stares up at the sky again. “Wow.”
“You’re angry.”
“Of course I’m angry, Scarlett!”
“Please don’t yell,” I whisper.
“Sorry.” He squeezes his eyes shut. “Sorry, I’m not angry at you, I’m angry at myself, and maybe at the universe and the way it works.”
I stand and walk over to him, grabbing his arm. “Hey, this is how things were supposed to work out, right?”
He stares back down at me, I always forget how tall he is, how muscular. He swallows and shakes his head, and his eyes are lost before they fall to my mouth again.
No. No. I will not lose my best friend.
I slowly back away, but he jerks me against him, chest heaving.
“You made vows,” I whisper. “And I’m with someone else.”
“Vows can be broken, and not for long.”
I jerk away. “That’s cruel. That’s not you speaking.”
“It is.” He jerks up his chin. “It really is.”
“You’re talking out of anger and reacting. The past is in the past. Don’t, please don’t do something that will make me lose you again.”
He grabs my hand and slowly tugs me forward again. “Would it be so bad to love me?”
I smile. “I already do, just not the way you want me to, and not the way you love your job. Even you can’t deny that. You’d resent me. Eventually, you’d leave too. I can’t handle you leaving.” I start to cry. “I can’t imagine you leaving me again.”
“Scar…” Tears fill his eyes. He pulls me against him in a tight hug and starts running a hand down the back of my head, holding it against his chest. “You won’t. You won’t lose me, I’d cut my own heart out before that.”
“Gory.”
“You know how I feel about Scream.”
I laugh against his chest. “Please don’t let this come between us, don’t draw lines in the sand, let me live my present and future, the way you should too.”
“Wise words.” He sighs and draws away from me. “I um, I’m going to go take that walk you talked about.” Tears glisten in his eyes, his smile’s forced. “I’ll be back. Promise I won’t get attacked by a cougar, okay?”
“Pftt, you’d kill it.”
He’s already turned around but calls over his shoulder. “God’s creatures.”
“It probably ate that mouse!” I yell.
He looks over his shoulder and gives me a sad smile, then grabs a pair of flip flops from outside, wraps a blanket around his shoulder, and walks.
My legs are shaking by the time he’s gone around the corner. I can barely stand, I think I might also throw up.
I love him as a best friend.
We were immature when we were together. But we’re the perfect match—as friends now.
Please don’t let someone else walk out. Why can’t anyone stay? Why can’t someone stay by my side? And why do I get ignored when I beg to stay by theirs?
It’s hard to swallow, it hurts to hold in tears right now.
When I’m just about to break, strong arms wrap around me from behind, a chin rests heavily on my head. I know his smell, I know the way his hands feel around my body, the way his body feels inside mine.
“You okay?” he whispers.
I swallow a few times before inhaling his scent and answering. “Maybe. I don’t know. How much did you hear?”
He squeezes me tighter, wrapping the blanket around me warmly. “The man literally went outside without pants. If I have to put on pants, he has to put on pants, so I went searching for the ugliest pair I could find in his luggage which weirdly enough I also own the same pair of, and was gonna knock and just drop them, then I heard some things, and then I stayed, I’m sorry. I just… I got jealous and then I stayed longer because I could hear your heart breaking in the wind and I hated it.”
“You can’t hear hearts break, it’s silent, only painful for the ones experiencing it.”
“You can hear it when you care for someone, like a twig snapping in the distance, like something final,” he whispers. “If you want to be alone, tell me. If you want to watch the stars, tell me. If you want me to hold you, tell me. And if you want me to sing you a song… tell me.”
A tear slides down my cheek as I turn in his arms and whisper, “Sing for me.”
Why does it feel so final? Like this might be the last time?
He nods slowly, and lightly cups my cheeks. “There once was a ship…”
I burst out laughing, I laugh so hard I break apart from him. “You ass! You would start singing Wellerman! You’re the worst.”
“Hey.” He pulls me close against his chest. “In my book, I made you laugh instead of cry, that makes me the best.”
My cheeks hurt from smiling. “Think so, huh?”
He leans down and steals one kiss, then two. He tastes like whiskey and all the bad choices I want to make because somehow everything with him has turned to good. He only draws back a bit. “Yeah, I do think so.”
“She needs to sign a document!” Dustin yells from the sliding glass door.
I don’t even look. “Does he still have ice on his balls?”
Killian nods. “It’s hard to watch. He has wet spots now, making them slightly see through.”
I make a face. “That would kill any erection.”
“His or mine?”
“Ewwwww, everyone’s!”
“Ah well, I have the girl I like standing out with me in the moonlight, I’m not sure what could kill that erection.”
“Dustin?”
“I’ve learned to ignore the screaming.” His forehead touches mine. “Want to go inside or stay out here?”
I look around, my eyes landing on the couch. “I’d actually like to stay out here.”
He starts to pull away, his face falls.
I tug at his hand. “But with you. And a blanket, and wine, and possibly a bit of kissing.”
He spins me in a circle. “You know rockstars have zero self-control.”
I start laughing. “You are the epitome of control these days. Why not just take me up against the wall and have your way with me, dirty little rockstar?” I’m just teasing, well kind of.
But something flashes in his eyes before he picks me up and walks me over to the couch. “Dustin, turn off the lights, look away, nurse your broken dick. I’m about to use mine.”
Dustin sighs and lowers the paper. “They’re all the same, they think the same, oh I’m the talent, I can do whatever I want, just pay them off, just look the other way, just let me do what I want. Who do you work for?”
Killian frowns and looks behind him. “When have I ever said that to you?”
“Oh, not you, you just get mad about the random dinosaur facts and my inability to stop talking when I’m uncomfortable.” He clears his throat.
Killian clears his.
“Have a good night.” Dustin abruptly closes the door, and the outdoor lights are off, all we have is the moonlight and the fire.
I know Adrian’s off on his walk.
And here I am, in this spot with Killian.
I like him. I really, really like him. He’s a man I could love, but I would be too afraid to admit it out loud. That’s like jumping into the nearby gorge and hoping not to drown in the Columbia River.
Killian leans down on his elbows and kisses me. He’s so easy to fall for, I dig my hands into his thick hair. “I like you.”
His smile doesn’t leave his face, it just gets bigger. “I like you too.”
I lick my lips. “Why did you leave so abruptly? Back then?”
His smile falls immediately. “My parents divorced, and I had to go back to the UK with my dad for some things.”
“What things?” I lean up on my elbows. “To help with the divorce?”
He hesitates and then answers. “Yeah, it was hard for him, really hard.”
“And you too.” I cup his face. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”
“Well, you’re here now.”
I wrap my arms around his neck, then press my lips to his pulse. His heart is beating so fast I can feel it vibrate through my lips. That makes two of us. “You can kiss me now, Killian.”
He pulls the blanket back over us and hovers over me. “I guess the big question is, do I have to stop?”
“If I say never?”
“Then I’ll say, give us right now.”
My heart shakes a bit at that answer, but I promise it we’ll be okay this time, so I nod my head yes as his head descends. A few more days and this amazing man won’t belong to me anymore.
No, he’ll belong to the world.
To his fans.
And I’ll have to move on knowing that I at least had a few moments where someone like him held my hand, made me laugh, cry, and gave me memories I’ll never forget.
I won’t beg him to stay either.
I won’t count the seconds, mash them into minutes, hours, days, then stare at the clock when I know it’s time.
Killian ducks his head under the blanket. Before I know it, I’m completely bare to him, he shoves his tongue into me, stars explode in the sky and inside me, he’s carrying me until the end, his hands digging into my thighs, the imprint of his rings on my skin, the feel of his hot wet mouth working me the way I’ve always dreamed of, the pleasure and pain of wanting to jump into the abyss yet wanting to stay in the moment forever.
It feels like the beginning of the end. I move my hips slightly with the rhythm of his tongue and then, his fingertips as he dials my body in.
A tear slides down my cheek.
I ignore it.
Tears will do nothing in this situation.
My body explodes with pleasure then stills when his hands spread me wider until I can’t breathe. His hair tickles the sides of my thighs, I try to reach for his head, to pull him up, to feel him everywhere, but he doesn’t budge, he latches on.
One hand reaches up to slap a hand over my mouth. I’m confused until his other hand replaces his tongue, and I let out a scream that would have most definitely brought on all the mice and cougars. I bite into his palm, legs shaking, he rewards me by biting and then sucking the inside of one thigh, then the other.
I’m panting when he finally removes his hand from my mouth.
I hate that when he locks eyes with me, he looks devastated.
So I grab his face with both hands and pull him in for a kiss. “Maybe we can both be stars tonight?”
He looks up. “You mean like we can both be rockstars or live under the stars?”
I slowly move him off me and push him against the couch then crawl onto him.
His eyes are wild like the wilderness around me.
I tug his jeans down and pull him free.
He curses and squeezes his eyes shut. “No, you don’t have to—”
“Have to do what? I was just giving you some air.”
He opens one eye, suspicious. “Giving my dick some air, huh? Never heard that one.”
“Well now you have.” I grip him hard, sending his hips toward me, and then I lower my head while he watches with anticipation, before I duck under the blanket.
He tugs it away. “No. I get to watch you suck me. I get to see your eyes every time I go too deep, every time you choke on me, every time you pleasure me. I own it, because you’re mine, don’t take it away from me.”
I smile with sadness in my soul. “I won’t.”
He’s so huge I have to focus, and he’s gripping the blanket like he might die from trying not to finish.
I pull up and stare at him, cupping him. “You can let go, you know.”
His nostrils flair. “Easier said than done.”
“With me,” I say. “You can let go with me.”
“And if you leave me?”
“Why would I?”
“Broken people can only be broken so many times, Scar.”
I lower my head again and finish him off, sucking down every last part of him, before locking eyes with him. “Maybe if you find matching pieces in someone else—you’ll be whole again.”
I spend the rest of the night under the stars with Killian holding me, and the universe watching.
And me waiting for a shooting star I can wish on, just so I can stay like this forever.
I don’t see one.
Then realize maybe the star I need to wish on is right next to me. So when he’s sleeping, I press a hand to his chest where his heart is, and whisper, “Stay.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Killian
I get ready for the wedding slowly because I know once their wedding ends, our little impromptu fake vow exchange begins and that seems like the most painful thing that could happen before actually leaving.
I could stay with her for a few days, but she’d want to know more, she’d want to know the reasons I want to run in the other direction, the actual fear I have in my soul. It’s why I write music, to get rid of the pain, to push through the chaos of knowing that you might lose and knowing that if you make that bet, your exact future might be that same pain you’re trying to escape.
Adrian didn’t get back until the morning, he quietly got ready for the wedding, and I quietly put on a nice jacket while Scarlett scrambled around the room in search of her other shoe.
Things definitely escalated last night.
We brought the party from outside to inside, and well, around two a.m., I was like “I need more.”
She pressed her ass against me, and I was gone, so long gone. We had sex two more times before I pretended to go to sleep. At this rate she’ll become an addiction I can’t get rid of, something that stains my soul in a way I want to keep blood red.
I look over my shoulder. Scarlett’s found the shoe and I see a vision of her constantly looking for things in my house, hell, even throwing that shoe at me. I close my eyes and I envision the best-case scenario.
Survival, meaning staying with her, but I can’t give her what she needs, and she doesn’t even know it. That I’m half a man, or at least I feel that way, because that’s what I was told over and over again before I was left.
“Killian, you should have told me before I got invested! How could you do this to us? To me? You know that’s what I’ve always wanted! You lied!”
Tears fill my eyes. “There are options, we can do so much. I just didn’t want to keep it from you.” I finger the ring in my pocket for a bit, a gorgeous three karat princess cut diamond I knew she was staring at earlier. “I just wanted to be upfront with you before—”
Tears stream down her cheeks. “Before what? You lied again? Before you told me it would be okay after years, hearing over and over again that my dream—“ She starts sobbing. “You know how I felt about this, and you still kept it from me this long.”
